Computer Jokes - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

LuciferJones · 04-13-2005, 08:51 PM

The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial. If Gates has to do time, he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly install his "Inmate Explorer."

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer. This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it. So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner.
So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns.
But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard. Of course, the electricity went off.
Satan was furious. When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do?"
Jesus, however, just sat and smiled. He turned his computer back on. The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out.
"How did you do it?" Satan asked.
"Jesus saves."

Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
VRML: Very Ridiculous Marketing Language
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Top 5 reasons why computers must be male

They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment

They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention

They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and never think of it on their own.

After they've invested so much in an old model, some users feel compelled to remain with an obsolete system

They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection

Top 5 reasons why computers must be female

No one but their creator understands their logic

The message "Bad command or filename" is as about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you."

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference

Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

10 Can't stick your head out of Windows '95
9 Fetch command not available on all platforms
8 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit
7 Can't help attacking the screen upon hearing "You've Got Mail"
6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working
5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software
4 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging
3 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard

How can you tell if a blonde has been using your word processor?
There's White-Out all over the screen.

I thought these were kinda funny

Sion · 04-13-2005, 09:21 PM

Can't stick your head out of Windows '95

hehehehehe

questone · 04-29-2005, 06:38 PM

I am going to remember this joke. Thanks.

streak_56 · 04-30-2005, 11:16 AM

How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard

My favorite

student · 05-02-2005, 01:42 PM

what is a computer scientist's favorite energy drink?

red bool

JamesB · 05-02-2005, 05:37 PM

I like the one in my sig. line - I can't recall where I saw it first.

PS: Nice jokes

Martian · 05-03-2005, 08:29 AM

JamesB, I saw that one a bit different. How about

chmod a+x /bin/laden

You sort of have to think it through a bit.

JamesB · 05-03-2005, 08:46 AM

I like the chmod one to "eXecute"

SirLance · 05-04-2005, 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuciferJones

The message "Bad command or filename" is as about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you."

...would be my personal favorite...

LuciferJones · 05-04-2005, 06:05 PM

Glad you guys liked it

04-13-2005, 08:51 PM	#1 (permalink)
LuciferJones Tilted	Computer Jokes The government is closing in on Bill Gates in the Microsoft antitrust trial. If Gates has to do time, he may get a taste of his own medicine when Big Louie in Cellblock 3 tries to forcibly install his "Inmate Explorer." Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing debate about who managed to get the most use out of his computer. This had been going on for days, and God finally had enough of it. So He set up a test: whoever could be the most productive after two hours on the computer would be the winner. So down they sat at the keyboards and began typing. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They uploaded. They made cards. They did every known job and several unknowns. But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightning flashed, thunder rolled, and the rains came down hard. Of course, the electricity went off. Satan was furious. When the electricity came back on he screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do?" Jesus, however, just sat and smiled. He turned his computer back on. The screen glowed, and when he pushed "Print", all his files were still there, printing out. "How did you do it?" Satan asked. "Jesus saves." Useful Computer Acronyms PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN: It Still Does Nothing APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI: System Can't See It DOS: Defunct Operating System BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM: I Blame Microsoft DEC: Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. VRML: Very Ridiculous Marketing Language WWW: World Wide Wait MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs Top 5 reasons why computers must be male They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but won't do more than they have to and never think of it on their own. After they've invested so much in an old model, some users feel compelled to remain with an obsolete system They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a connection Top 5 reasons why computers must be female No one but their creator understands their logic The message "Bad command or filename" is as about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, I'm not going to tell you." The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference Top 10 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers 10 Can't stick your head out of Windows '95 9 Fetch command not available on all platforms 8 Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit 7 Can't help attacking the screen upon hearing "You've Got Mail" 6 Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway you're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working 5 Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software 4 Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging 3 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 2 Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver 1 Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard How can you tell if a blonde has been using your word processor? There's White-Out all over the screen. I thought these were kinda funny

04-13-2005, 09:21 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sion Dumb all over...a little ugly on the side Location: In the room where the giant fire puffer works, and the torture never stops.	Can't stick your head out of Windows '95 hehehehehe __________________ He's the best, of course, of all the worst. Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

05-02-2005, 05:37 PM	#6 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	I like the one in my sig. line - I can't recall where I saw it first. PS: Nice jokes __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

05-03-2005, 08:46 AM	#8 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	I like the chmod one to "eXecute" __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

04-29-2005, 06:38 PM	#3 (permalink)
questone Crazy	I am going to remember this joke. Thanks.

04-30-2005, 11:16 AM	#4 (permalink)
streak_56 who ever said streaking was a bad thing? Location: Calgary	How many Microsoft technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just redefine darkness as the industry standard My favorite

05-02-2005, 01:42 PM	#5 (permalink)
student Crazy	what is a computer scientist's favorite energy drink? red bool

05-03-2005, 08:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	JamesB, I saw that one a bit different. How about chmod a+x /bin/laden You sort of have to think it through a bit.

05-04-2005, 06:05 PM	#10 (permalink)
LuciferJones Tilted	Glad you guys liked it