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Old 04-11-2005, 02:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
little_tippler
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When you hate your friend's boyfriend

So, leading on from the friends for a lifetime thread, here is something that stems from my post there. This is a bit long so, sorry in advance.

I have a very close friend, who I've known since I was 8. That makes 17 years of friendship...wow. I didn't realise it was that long!

We have always got on like a house on fire, she is such an easy-going, open, sweet and kind person, I really love her to bits. She will always have a special place in my heart. When we finished high-school, we each went to different universities. We started seeing a lot less of each other, and I think it really got her down.

She has always been an insecure person, not confident though she seems to glow to everyone, the only one who doesn't see it is her, even though she has always been surrounded by people who love her (at least in terms of friends), she has the best sense of humour and can make me laugh with ease, she is very giving and has the easiest time making friends with people. Mainly her home life wasn't great because her mom is not a balanced person and has always made her feel worthless.

She had her first sexual experience at around 17 with some asshole who had sex with her then dropped her like she was nothing...she thought it would be a proper relationship...and that's where it all started going downhill. She became traumatised by this. She had a string of boyfriends who were not worthy of her, who completely undervalued her, but to me it seemed like she wanted bad men who would confirm she is worthless as she believes she is. Through all this she always had a smile on her face.

Then she met her current boyfriend...this guy used to be in a street gang, we have heard rumours that he raped a girl we know, he is a loud-mouthed obnoxious person...one of those people who makes a scene just to always be at the center of attention, when he drinks it's impossible to be around him, if you have a conversation with him watch out because you will have NO say in the conversation, if you try he just cuts you off, he pushes your shoulder while he's trying to make a point, and if you don't want to be rude then you will be glued to the spot until he decides he wants to talk to someone else! Aaaargh he is awful awful awful. I can't even begin to describe this with accuracy. He also lies left and right, that he knows this and that famous person, and how he had coffee with Peter Gabriel once and really ludicrous stuff...and even when he has known you for a while, he still feels he needs to do this to impress or be at the focus of everything. Even so, he is no longer in a gang and seems to have ammended his "ways" to some degree...but he's still so unpleasant to be around.

The thing is, I know she's not sure. She has broken down a few times, after coming out with me and other friends, that he is very possessive, and he wants them to move in together but she doesn't want to because she'd feel suffocated, she says he sometimes forces her to have sex...and numeorus other things. And worst of all she says, she has thought of breaking up with him lots of times, but she is afraid...of being alone. And nobody else ever wanting her. I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up, this is your life! You are so much better than this...

I hate him. I feel he manipulates her beyond words. She seems to be so wrapped up in him. I LOVE my friend. We live in the same city but I haven't seen her in MONTHS because of this guy. He goes with her everywhere. She loves him to bits. Why...it's incomprehensible to me. I think I will have to let her go. They have been together for ovr 5 years now. And the day she marries him...will be one of the saddest days of my life.

Maybe it's all in my head, but not one of our friends likes him. My boyfriend met him only once, and said he was horrible. Everyone agrees...but it's her choice right? I just feel so helpless watching this happen. We haven't fallen out at all, and I sometimes sacrifice myself and go with her and him to dinner or whatever, but it's so painful. I've come to the point where I don't want to meet him ever again. My boyfriend refuses to go out as couples with them. He says she is lovely, really adorable. So what do I do? In my heart I know it's a case of just letting go, but I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Have any of you been in this situation? As far as I know, this is quite a common occurrence.
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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.


Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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