Sage

I finally got the nerve today to write a letter to my old best friend, K, and now that it's in a little envelope on the desk in front of me, all ready to be mailed with my neat writing on the front, I feel like I'm slightly timid about mailing it. I haven't talked to K in over a year, and we used to be inseperable, but perhaps I'm looking at the friendship through rose-colored glasses and can't see it for what it was. I would like to think that my eloquence will make her swoon and remember how great being friends was, and see her beating down my door to reconnect with me. I suppose I can hope. I feel like I'm unsure whether or not I should even be sending this letter, making this connection after it was dropped a year ago, because I feel like I don't know what the outcome of sending it will be, and if I can deal with it.

K and I used to be very good friends, although I felt like there was always a part of herself she kept hidden and didn't share, but I understood that. Her father died when she was younger, that I know, but I don't know more about the situation. She was never one to complain around me, or cry on my shoulder... actually I don't think I ever saw her cry. But we used to have a lot of fun together, being young and in college, and it really confused and hurt me when she stopped returning my calls. This was about the same time Martel and I were getting serious, so perhaps she saw that as a threat to our friendship and decided to cut her losses before I began to get distant from her, wanting to be with Martel all the time. As I look back on it, I know that was what would have happened, because once Martel and I realized we were in love, it was all either of us could think about. Perhaps I loved Kate too and couldn't admit it to myself, or perhaps I'm applying too much nostalgia to the situation. I do know that I've thought about her almost every day for the past year and a half, ever since she stopped calling. A lot has happened between then and now, for one, I'm married. I don't know what I'm expecting, or wanting really. In an ideal world I feel like I'd want her to come to the door and say "Oh, yes, I've missed you, I always had a thing for you, is that your husband? Gee, he's cute!" and I could have my cake and eat it too, with sprinkles and some whipped cream. But I suppose that's a pipe dream.

I love you guys- I'm glad you'll never stop returning my calls. I feel like I've written K a "Dear John" letter only in reverse. What is going on??