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Gilda · 03-26-2005, 01:54 AM

It's going to be hard. My best advice would be to stay friends with her. If this other guy is as much of a dick as you say he is, then things aren't going to work out with him, and she's going to need someone to lean on when it doesn't, and if you position yourself as her friend, you can be that person. Don't buy into that crap about being in the "friend zone" or ladder theory. Some guys will always be just friends to certain girls--I've seen this with my sister often enough. Others are potential mate material. Based on what you've said here, she already considers you a romantic prospect, just with the wrong timing. Work with that. Keep yourself available as a friend with potential, and be there to catch her when things go bad again.

Here's a strategy that works well in that situation. Do the little romantic things that guys do when they're deep in a relationship, the romantic stuff that isn't sexual in nature. Give her token gifts, like a chocolate bunny on Easter, or something Irish themed on St. Patrick's day--but without the sexual connotations. Build up a bank of relationship points this way without being sexual about it, and you can cash those in later on. This works; I've had it done to me--it's how I got together with my current SO--and I've seen guys do it with my sister.

Here's how the friend thing works. Usually a romantic relationship begins with physical attraction--in other words, lust--and progresses to some romantic feelings, and if you're together long enough, and get to know each other well enough, you develp the same kind of knowledge, the same kind of bond with each other that platonic friends develop. Friendship and a romantic relationship are not incompatable; indeed, the romances that last are those that reach the stage where a friendship is layered on top of the romance. Friendship is actually a deeper level than romantic attraction; that's where most people get it wrong.

Sometimes you get to the friend stage before you explore the romance stage, so it seems like you're taking a step back to go back to the romantic part. You're not; you're just taking things in a different order than usual. If there's going to be something between you, you need to be around for it.

You need to decide; is she worth waiting around for? Is she a good enough person that she deserves the effort it would take for you to be her friend while she's looking for closure with this other guy? If she is, stick with her. If not, don't waste your time on something that will ultimately not work out for either of you.

03-26-2005, 01:54 AM	#2 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	It's going to be hard. My best advice would be to stay friends with her. If this other guy is as much of a dick as you say he is, then things aren't going to work out with him, and she's going to need someone to lean on when it doesn't, and if you position yourself as her friend, you can be that person. Don't buy into that crap about being in the "friend zone" or ladder theory. Some guys will always be just friends to certain girls--I've seen this with my sister often enough. Others are potential mate material. Based on what you've said here, she already considers you a romantic prospect, just with the wrong timing. Work with that. Keep yourself available as a friend with potential, and be there to catch her when things go bad again. Here's a strategy that works well in that situation. Do the little romantic things that guys do when they're deep in a relationship, the romantic stuff that isn't sexual in nature. Give her token gifts, like a chocolate bunny on Easter, or something Irish themed on St. Patrick's day--but without the sexual connotations. Build up a bank of relationship points this way without being sexual about it, and you can cash those in later on. This works; I've had it done to me--it's how I got together with my current SO--and I've seen guys do it with my sister. Here's how the friend thing works. Usually a romantic relationship begins with physical attraction--in other words, lust--and progresses to some romantic feelings, and if you're together long enough, and get to know each other well enough, you develp the same kind of knowledge, the same kind of bond with each other that platonic friends develop. Friendship and a romantic relationship are not incompatable; indeed, the romances that last are those that reach the stage where a friendship is layered on top of the romance. Friendship is actually a deeper level than romantic attraction; that's where most people get it wrong. Sometimes you get to the friend stage before you explore the romance stage, so it seems like you're taking a step back to go back to the romantic part. You're not; you're just taking things in a different order than usual. If there's going to be something between you, you need to be around for it. You need to decide; is she worth waiting around for? Is she a good enough person that she deserves the effort it would take for you to be her friend while she's looking for closure with this other guy? If she is, stick with her. If not, don't waste your time on something that will ultimately not work out for either of you.