mbchills

This is a story, of me and a girl I met at college. she's a year older, i'm 19, she's 20.


ok so we met, and the day after she broke up with her boyfriend of a year and a half, they were pretty close, he was there for her when her dad died.. so yeah she has a deep attachent toward him. hes a dick. he doesnt care about anybody and hes a wast eof life, all her friends hate him, they would constantly break up and get back together. so finally she decided to break up with him for good. she got quickly attached to me, she really likes me, i know that, she would always tell me that, we did move very fast, but i know its alot mor ethen just a fuck friends thing, because of the way she acts, but heres the confusing part. she told me she wants to be just friends because she just got out of a relationship so she doesnt want a boyfriend, she doesnt want a relatioship. and yet she still acts the opposite with me, and so I ask her, and she says she knows, she can't control her self, she really likes me, and so she's very confused. and so i said fine. i don't care about having a relationship either.. where we are right now is fine with me. its been about a month and a half now, just recently she started talking to her ex again, she said they aren't fighting, and that she's really confused. so i asked her are you thinking of getting back together with him, because if you are.. you should let me know. she said she doesnt know, the thought has crossed her mind, i asked what thought.. she said "the thought that ' why delay the inevitable' " meaning. shes bound to get back together with him because of the history they have, and yet she KNOWS its a horrible decision, all her friends hate him, she knows hes not a good person. hes an asshole. clear and simple. so i'm stuck in a dilemma. I'm getting attached, but if I continue this, i will get even more attached, and I have pretty bad odds here. she's not really giving me much security

I kinda feel like I shouldn't involve myself anymore.. I know i should just be a good friend, but how can I do that? what if she picks him over me? i can't be in 2nd place, and still be friends with her, that would never work, not with my type of personality.

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Gilda

It's going to be hard. My best advice would be to stay friends with her. If this other guy is as much of a dick as you say he is, then things aren't going to work out with him, and she's going to need someone to lean on when it doesn't, and if you position yourself as her friend, you can be that person. Don't buy into that crap about being in the "friend zone" or ladder theory. Some guys will always be just friends to certain girls--I've seen this with my sister often enough. Others are potential mate material. Based on what you've said here, she already considers you a romantic prospect, just with the wrong timing. Work with that. Keep yourself available as a friend with potential, and be there to catch her when things go bad again.

Here's a strategy that works well in that situation. Do the little romantic things that guys do when they're deep in a relationship, the romantic stuff that isn't sexual in nature. Give her token gifts, like a chocolate bunny on Easter, or something Irish themed on St. Patrick's day--but without the sexual connotations. Build up a bank of relationship points this way without being sexual about it, and you can cash those in later on. This works; I've had it done to me--it's how I got together with my current SO--and I've seen guys do it with my sister.

Here's how the friend thing works. Usually a romantic relationship begins with physical attraction--in other words, lust--and progresses to some romantic feelings, and if you're together long enough, and get to know each other well enough, you develp the same kind of knowledge, the same kind of bond with each other that platonic friends develop. Friendship and a romantic relationship are not incompatable; indeed, the romances that last are those that reach the stage where a friendship is layered on top of the romance. Friendship is actually a deeper level than romantic attraction; that's where most people get it wrong.

Sometimes you get to the friend stage before you explore the romance stage, so it seems like you're taking a step back to go back to the romantic part. You're not; you're just taking things in a different order than usual. If there's going to be something between you, you need to be around for it.

You need to decide; is she worth waiting around for? Is she a good enough person that she deserves the effort it would take for you to be her friend while she's looking for closure with this other guy? If she is, stick with her. If not, don't waste your time on something that will ultimately not work out for either of you.

mbchills

This is great advice, and thank you. I'm just confused because she acts like she wants more then a friend, saying she misses me,saying she likes me, sex, etc... but then wants to be just friends. How can there ever be a purely platonic relationship when it started out so romanticly ? we had sex 4 days after we met, and a lot of it. and she stil wants more, she says she can't resist. because i've asked her.. aren't we just friends?

so now i'm just at the point where I do have to think and decide

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thalakos315

you've really got to watch out for yourself on this one. let her know exactly where you stand, but don't be pushy, this really is her decision, shes bound to have enough pressure already, without more being added

personally.. i'd be wanting to have a long talk with her. find out if this guy is somebody she can see herself having a fullfilling relationship with. i would suggest against propaganda tactics, ie: commenting on how much you dislike this guy, telling her how wrong he is for her, and generally trying to sway her in any way, it never works and usually ends bad.

its obvious you want to pursue a real relationship with this girl, and yet you told her your fine where things are.. why not be honest? let her know how you feel.

if it were me, i'd suggest the idea of removing the sexual aspect from your relationship, and working towards remaining friends, at least until she doesn't have this looming over her head. then, you would probally have a better chance of keeping your friendship, even if she does end up back with this guy.

if shes sane, she's stressing out in a way you can only imagine. ask her what she wants from your relationship. should things be put on hold till the storm clears? should you break it off now, and save you both a lot of pain? whatever she wants to do, try and support her. a little understanding and empathy can go a long way

just try not to get your hopes up, be yourself, and try to give her as much friendly support as possible
i am of course, not an expert however, so do what you feel is right

dirtyrascal7

hmm... this is a tricky, yet not uncommon situation. i've been the #2 man before and i know how much it sucks... so hopefully i can save you from that fate.

its hard to let go of someone you have history with when you still have hope that things will work out. in this situation, however, i think she also believes that this other guy is the best she can do... probably because he's "brainwashed" her into thinking that over the past 1.5 years. the thing you need to remember is that she won't be able to move on until she overcomes both beliefs about her ex.

in the mean time... you are very close to entering the "friend zone" and it's good you're aware of this. the more you support her and "be there for her"... the more she'll think of you as "just a friend" and the less chance you'll have of dating her. many have tried to become friends first and then make the jump to the dating ladder... but only few have succeeded. do not take this route... the odds are against you.

honestly, if you don't want to become the #2 man, the best thing to do is push her away and keep in touch with her only as a 'casual acquaintence' until she gets over her asshole ex-boyfriend (but keep the sex going if you can/want to). unfortunately, this could take a while because she doesn't know what she wants and so going back to him is easier than going on alone.

i know it sounds shitty to not help her through this rough time... but honestly, this is something she needs to do on her own anyway. teasing, flirting... anything like that is great, but do not talk about her ex and let her dump all that on you. keep things light and casual... positive experiences only. when you do hang out, leave before things wind down... this will keep her on her toes and make her want more.

i wish i could tell you that you don't have to play these games, but that's just not how it works at this stage... she's not mature enough yet.

raveneye

The bottom line is that you're investing a lot of time, energy, and emotion into this relationship. That seems pretty clear by your description.

You need now to decide whether that's a good investment. Are you going to be better off continuing to do this indefinitely, or are you going to be better off calling it a day and concentrating your time and effort into someone else, where the overall payoff is going to be better than what you're likely to get from this girl? (I know this sounds selfish and cynical, but I'm sure she's making the same calculations herself, whether or not she's willing to admit it).

If I was in your situation I would basically pull out of the relationship, giving the obvious reasons in a supportive way, for example "You obviously still love him at some level. It's not emotionally possible for me to have a relationship with you while you still have those feelings, so I can't have an intimate relationship with you any longer. We can still be friends though."

I realize you want to continue the sexual relationship, but you really are playing with fire there. It will end one way or the other, so it's best to end it in a way that is positive and supportive for both of you, that maintains your dignity. Otherwise you will have a triangle situation with her in the middle and the potential for an ugly end. Or in other words, your investment in this girl is probably no longer worth the trouble it's likely to bring you, so you're really better off concentrating your effort on somebody else.

Besides you're both young. There's nothing wrong with playing the field as much as feels right, in fact that's exactly what you should be doing.

Just imagine how good it would be with this girl if she didn't have the hangups with her ex. Then realize that there are probably a hundred girls you could meet tomorrow who fit that description, that you could be having a relationship with instead.

MiSo

i say lay it one the line and sweep the girl off her feet.

you'll be doing yourself a favor by hooking up with a great girl...

plus you'll be getting rid of the guy nobody likes.

mbchills

Thanks for all the advice, i'm still not sure what i'm going to do, but i'll keep you guys posted

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Zeraph

Guess I'll deviate here, I'd say cut off all relations with her, this girl has issues. Youll never really be friends with her or more than friends, just another object for her to play out her issues on. Friendship is a two way street, so unless you are benefiting from being friends with her (which is sounds like you arn't) forget about her.

But this is all cursory advice, take it with a grain of salt (same thing for all the other advice given here) only you know the real deal.

tecoyah

................Get The Fuck Out..................Now

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

macmanmike6100

it seems that you're honestly interested in this girl. i say milk it for as long as possible...but know that she's probably got something wrong in the head. i've seen too many girls with too many issues, and this sounds like one of them.

middy

I've been in this one too as the #2 guy. I let the girl get over the situation and allowed her to work out her issues and finally came back to me after a year plus relationship with a crappy guy. Exact same situation as you are talking about, friends hated him everything. Still by the end, I was hopelessly in the friends zone. Looking back I did exactly what those first posts said. I listen to her issues and tried to provide support, women think they’ll make good on their promises but honestly she wouldn’t be considering going back to him if she truly cared about your feelings (she has to know your into her).

You have one advantage over me; you have had sex with her. I'm not sure if its enough but my situation ended badly. I agree with some of the comments to just get rid of it but honestly it’s going to be tough. You have already fallin for this girl to a certain extent or you wouldn't have posted here. I guess my suggestion would be to make a decision.

1) Try to win her over; don't let her go back to the other guy. Make a move and make it clear she’s choosing between you and him. This will be tough, but think of it as a dogfight and come out swinging.

2) Let her go, stop seeing her and let things play out without your involvement, because if it ends badly with the there guy you don’t want it rubbing off on you in anyway. Tell her to call you back when she figures it out and gets over the other guy. Find another of the millions of women out there looking for a great guy like you who is willing to even consider staying with this girl.

Staying her friend is just not going to be rewarding. The friendship is already built around her needs that will only get worse. Trust me, the heartache and “oneits” you will end up with here is going to be hard to bare.

mbchills

thanks middy, your post really helped

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bubonico

I don't think you should buy in to this whole friend zone thing. I was good friends with my girlfriend for about 6 years before we ever had a romantic relationship. We've been together for about 18 months now and it's great. Besides you're already having sex with this chick so it's obvious that she's interested in you right? I'd say that if you feel like you could handle watching her and being a supportive friend (perhaps even with benefits) while she tries to figure out what she wants then go for it. It could take a very long time though so you may want to be wary of that. I'm not really sure why younger girls are so attracted to the controlling asshole type, but most women seem to come around at some point in their life. I guess the bottom line would be is she worth the time, effort, and possible anguish? Good Luck.

mbchills

I just got off the phone with her, and here's the deal.. she told me she still likes me, but doesn't want to continue anything, she wants to be just friends. so I said i was willing to be just friends, but if thats temporary, she said that she doesn't think it will be temporary. so i don't understand. she likes me yet she doesn't want to pursue it. she will possibly get back together with her boyfriend, and theres no way i could be freinds with her. the reason she doesn't want to be with me is because she doesn't want a relationship, and then she turns around and goes back together with her ex, thats total disregard for me, and i can't do it


she said that she doesn't want me to go, but if thats what will make me happy then fine, she wasn't fighting, she was accepting.


she keeps saying it's "bad timing" she just feels she has no other choice, she can't let go of her boyfriend, and i'm stuck in the middle of it all. sucked in with false hope because of her actions

so after an hour i was like ok i'm gonna go, she said we'll continue this conversation tomorrow, i said theres nothing to continue, will anything change? she said no. so i said alright, goodbye. she said call me tomorrow. i said no. she says bye mike

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Gilda

Sorry to hear that things didn't work out. At least you know for sure now. Good luck with finding someone who will be able to appreciate you; it's difficult but keep telling yourself that it will happen, and keep looking.

dirtyrascal7

there's only one thing to say to that.... good riddens. you're much better off without her, as a friend or otherwise.

IJH

I'm kind of in the same situation, but she absolutely does not want to get back together with her ex. She really likes me, but isn't ready for a relationship yet, because he was a fucking psycho. Swallowed bleach when they broke up and everything. She said as soon as she gets out of this stupid ass phase, she wants to be in a relationship with me. She says she's over her ex, but not over him. I'm not really sure it's that she's not over him, she's just not over what he did.... blah, these situations blow ass.

irateplatypus

bravo.

this girl will bring you nothing but trouble. there must be trust and devotion if a relationship to work. even if you succeed in keeping her away from her ex this time, you'll face the very same issue not too far down the road. she needs to grow up and stop using other people.

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If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.

~ Winston Churchill

mbchills

How should I act when I see her around school? i bought her a shirt last week, so next time i see her I think i'll give it to her, no point in me keeping it, and she will love the shirt, so everytime she will wear it she will remember me, and hopefully realize what big of a mistake she made

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raveneye

Doesn't matter what you do with the shirt, or what you do when you see her around school. She's history.

What you should be doing is forgetting about her, and concentrating on socializing with other girls, playing the field, enjoying your life.

Who cares if she ever realizes she made a mistake? By that time you'll probably be married with 5 kids.

mbchills

i dont think its a matter of how much i like her or anything.. its just a matter of me not wanting to give her up, because i know she will be much happier with me, but she's too blinded and stupid to see that.

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Phant84

i agree with tec.

sorry to be a dick, sounds like she just wanted yours to release some tension.
(sorry if thats already been said.)

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Phant

Irrationality is the square root of all evil

mbchills

I talked with her again, she said that if I just relaxed and didn't push her, we probably wouldn't be in this situation and she would have forgotten about her ex

i guess the only thing I can do.. besides giving up, is to hang out with her when we go back to school tomorrow (its been about 2 weeks since we saw each other) and hope that hanging out with me will make her change her mind

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middy

mbchills, she's making the relationship about what she wants again. It has nothing to do with how you feel. Honestly a relationship has to be 50%-50% for both to get what they want out of it. (At least in most cases)

I don't see her giving the other 50%. To say that it’s your fault is just denial of the situation; SHE is the one thinking of going back to her ex, not you. When you see her or talk to her obviously you treat her with respect and the way you normally do but when she starts talking about making plans with you and returning the situation to something you have already fallin into, let her know that you have no interest in being that kind of a friend with her.

You can be her friend without listening to her issues, saying "hi" in the halls and being cordial is just common courtesy. Just keep in mind that you must get what you want out of the situation, and if she’s not willing to care about your needs then it’s not the right type of women (girl?) for you. Let her mature emotionally before you come back and trust me you’ll know when that happens.

mbchills

I'm confident enough that I know she will come back. I've spoken to her best friend and she says that i am much better suited for her then her ex, but she's just confused and going through a bad time. and I understand that

i know about "if you truly love her, let her go"

I did let her go, but not willingly, because I didn't want to. I know that when she does come back.. i won't care, that's why. and also i know i'm better for her.

but oh well. thanks for all the advice, looks like things just didn't work out, bad timing. I'll get over it.

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c172g

My advice: Run like the wind. Forget her, move on to someone else. This is an unstable chick who has no idea what she wants & is going to fuck with your head as long as you are around her. If she's thinking about getting back together with her old boyfriend, you, my boy are IN second place. Move on, you'll be happier in a month.

danthony12321

All I have to say is, You never know what will happen. A very similar situation happenend to me. A girl had been going out with an asshole boyfriend for 4 1/2 years. She knew he was a dick, they would get in lots of fights, all of her friends hated him, she was just attached to him. Like your girl, he had been there when her father died, etc..

Through a mutual friend we were introduced. Right away, it was like we both were smacked stupid with a brick. I knew I totally dug this girl, neither one of us did anything that first time we met, but she shit-canned her boyfriend the very next day. I didn't know she had a boyfriend that she dumped until after a few real dates. Anyway, we took it slow, both played it cool, even though I knew I was head-over-heels with this girl, and she felt the same about me (but I didn't know it yet). Eventually we both opened up to each other about our love for one another, and 2 1/2 years later we are engaged couldn't be more in love with each other.

So all I am saying is, you never know.

mbchills

A little update. I spoke to her today, nothing changed. She wouldn't let me go when i tried to leave, and hugged me for like a minute, i tried to let go but she just keep hugging for what seems like eternity.

I decided i might as well stay friends with her, instead of completely cutting her out of my life

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