I just read the entire thing. It was interesting, no doubt. But entirely unbelievable. I think this short story could be a small time masterpiece if a couple of things were changed:
The overall writing is sort of "high schoolish." There's a clear difference between this work and professional work. It needs massive editting and sentence reworking. A lot of the descriptions sound straight out Max Payne or Dick Tracy; but this isn't a noir story.
Some of the sentences are "trying too hard." One of the sentences talking about the molotov cocktails going through the window almost made me laugh out loud
This is an excellent story but needs some reworking.
A lot of the story-telling was written in "dialogue." Meaning, words you would use when you are casually speaking to someone were used to describe things. Take those out.
Some unbelievable elements of the story: The bowling match would not have been that close. It was created for suspense I guess; you don't need suspense when the character pretty much dies instantly like that. It just turned it into a cheese-fest.
Also, it seems Dahryl would have been able to crash through a window or something to get out of the burning buildling? He seemed to pass out entirely too fast. Especially in a life or death situation.
The denoument is entirely unsatisfying. Something needs to be reworked there. A couple of sentences about how they fucked everyone isn't going to cut it for something of this length.
A biggy: A lot of the scenes need to be described more. It would create more emotion and vivid imagery, things like that. For instance, the "sun-bathed Tuscan countryside" could have been described more to enhance the mindfuck Dahryl, Kelvin and Scathe had pulled. Something about the ominous clouds or something. But not over the top like Dick Tracy
Also, I think someone would have caught on to the whole scenario. A presidential pardon for Dahryl? Who happened to work for Scathe before? Someone would look into that, and they'd find a lot.
Some examples of sentence reworkings:
"Scathe, Mitchell and Westin had just pulled off the greatest heist of all time, and no one was ever to find out."
Change to:
"John Scathe, Dahryl Parker, and Kelvin Westin had just pulled off arguably the greatest heist of all time, and no one would ever find out."
"Molotov Cocktails showered the small building Dahryl called home, every window was shattered by a beacon of hate."
Change to:
"Molotov Cocktails showered the building Dahryl called home."
More unbelievables: Someone would think in to the fact that a manager at a bowling alley can't win against one of the best Presidents in history. So why did he even run? Why waste the money? Because they were gonna kill the other guy! That's why! It's just too blatant.
Don't take these to harsh, just some feedback
Awesome story that needs work