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Gilda · 03-03-2005, 08:22 PM

Women certainly seem to be more fluid in their sexuality. I had only had sexual relationships with men the first time I experimented with another woman. I had certainly looked at other women, and looking back now I realize it was with more than aesthetic appreciation, but it was a part of my sexuality I had become quite skilled at repressing at the time.

None of the relationships with men had ever been fulfilling. A couple of the guys had been jerks, but the last man I had a relationship with was truly a great catch, just the guy most women think they want. He was a successful young businessman, he cared about me, he was gentle when we made love, and thoughtful when we weren't. My girlfriends were jealous. And it didn't work out. I enjoyed the attention and the companionship, and could tolerate the sex, but I always preferred to give him a blow job rather than have intercourse; it was quicker, it made him happy, and we didn't have to deal with the issue of my needs.

The problem was that no matter how attentive he was, how gentle and caring, no matter how much time we spent, I didn't get anything out of the sex other than the vicarious pleasure of pleasing him, and as I said, I could do that much more quickly and effectively with a blow job. I became quite a talented cocksucker.

And I probably could have been content that way, giving him a daily blow-job in exchange for his companionship and support, with just enough sex to keep him out of other women's beds. I'd never have been happy with the sex part, but I could have been satisfied for quite some time with just the social part of the relationship.

But he grew apart from me. He needed sexual intimacy I wasn't able to give him, and I didn't know why I wasn't able to enjoy sex, but it just didn't do much for me, despite his being a skilled and gentle lover.

My "experiment" with homosexuality occurred shortly after that. I'd had that series of unfulfilling sexual relationships with men, and one of those things I'd put on my list of things I needed to do before I reached 30 was to try sex with another woman, and I met another woman who was bi-curious also. We "experimented" with each other, and I found out why I wasn't able to connect on a sexual level with men. It's not how I was wired. The word "experiment" is in quotes here because, for me, that's not what it turned out to be. My partner tired of it quickly; for her, it was like my relationships with men. It was tolerable but not what she needed. I, on the other hand, had made a discovery about myself. This was what I needed, another woman. Whatever it is in us that makes us who we are sexually was awakened in me in that relationship.

I was very lucky to have found my SO in my next relationship. She's always been sure of her status, at least from the time she understood sexuality, and it's been my great fortune that she's as gentle and caring with me as my last male lover was, and I've found satisfaction and fulfillment with her that I truly don't think would be possible with any man.

So, is it a choice on my part? I don't see how it could be. I did everything I could to choose heterosexuality, and it didn't work. Am I bi-sexual? Perhaps, but if I am, it's with a very strong bias towards the homosexual end of the scale. I think of myself as a lesbian with a tolerance for certain heterosexual activities. We've talked about possibly having a threesome some day. She's not interested in any sexual contact with a man, but wouldn't mind seeing me giving a man a blow job, which is something I think I'd still enjoy if it was the right man. And I doubt we'd have much difficulty finding takers.

03-03-2005, 08:22 PM	#6 (permalink)
Gilda 32 flavors and then some Location: Out on a wire.	Women certainly seem to be more fluid in their sexuality. I had only had sexual relationships with men the first time I experimented with another woman. I had certainly looked at other women, and looking back now I realize it was with more than aesthetic appreciation, but it was a part of my sexuality I had become quite skilled at repressing at the time. None of the relationships with men had ever been fulfilling. A couple of the guys had been jerks, but the last man I had a relationship with was truly a great catch, just the guy most women think they want. He was a successful young businessman, he cared about me, he was gentle when we made love, and thoughtful when we weren't. My girlfriends were jealous. And it didn't work out. I enjoyed the attention and the companionship, and could tolerate the sex, but I always preferred to give him a blow job rather than have intercourse; it was quicker, it made him happy, and we didn't have to deal with the issue of my needs. The problem was that no matter how attentive he was, how gentle and caring, no matter how much time we spent, I didn't get anything out of the sex other than the vicarious pleasure of pleasing him, and as I said, I could do that much more quickly and effectively with a blow job. I became quite a talented cocksucker. And I probably could have been content that way, giving him a daily blow-job in exchange for his companionship and support, with just enough sex to keep him out of other women's beds. I'd never have been happy with the sex part, but I could have been satisfied for quite some time with just the social part of the relationship. But he grew apart from me. He needed sexual intimacy I wasn't able to give him, and I didn't know why I wasn't able to enjoy sex, but it just didn't do much for me, despite his being a skilled and gentle lover. My "experiment" with homosexuality occurred shortly after that. I'd had that series of unfulfilling sexual relationships with men, and one of those things I'd put on my list of things I needed to do before I reached 30 was to try sex with another woman, and I met another woman who was bi-curious also. We "experimented" with each other, and I found out why I wasn't able to connect on a sexual level with men. It's not how I was wired. The word "experiment" is in quotes here because, for me, that's not what it turned out to be. My partner tired of it quickly; for her, it was like my relationships with men. It was tolerable but not what she needed. I, on the other hand, had made a discovery about myself. This was what I needed, another woman. Whatever it is in us that makes us who we are sexually was awakened in me in that relationship. I was very lucky to have found my SO in my next relationship. She's always been sure of her status, at least from the time she understood sexuality, and it's been my great fortune that she's as gentle and caring with me as my last male lover was, and I've found satisfaction and fulfillment with her that I truly don't think would be possible with any man. So, is it a choice on my part? I don't see how it could be. I did everything I could to choose heterosexuality, and it didn't work. Am I bi-sexual? Perhaps, but if I am, it's with a very strong bias towards the homosexual end of the scale. I think of myself as a lesbian with a tolerance for certain heterosexual activities. We've talked about possibly having a threesome some day. She's not interested in any sexual contact with a man, but wouldn't mind seeing me giving a man a blow job, which is something I think I'd still enjoy if it was the right man. And I doubt we'd have much difficulty finding takers.