JACKSONVILLE, FLA- Following last year's mammary-themed half time show, Super Bowl organizers promised us a cleaner, more wholesome set for 2005. The choice of Paul McCartney to headline was a clear signal in that direction, but it now seems clear that the famed singer/songwriter never got the memo. Half way through an acoustic rendition of "Silly Love Songs," Sir Paul decided to put the "X" in XXXIX, pulling out his penis and began waving at the on-field camera.
"I'm sure none of you expected that," McCartney said over a chorus of gasps. "But then again, nobody expects to have their legs blown off by a land mine. See, that's what I'm on about. Let's all join hands and pledge to stop land mine use right now."
The one-time heartthrob then went on to urge the 200 million or so people who had just had their first peek at the ex-Beatle's party crank to join his Adopt-A-Minefield campaign.
At FCC headquarters, it was deja vu all over again. Complaints poured in from all over the world, upset not only at the audacity of McCartney's political stunt but also at the appearance of his shriveled, misshapen member.
"My God," exclaimed long-time Beatles fanatic Ellie Rigby. "All these years of lusting after him I had no idea how horribly scarred and malformed his manhood really was. It reminded me of a small pear left to rot in the sun for a week and covered with tiny insects."
"It's shock value, isn't it," explained the Artist Formerly Known as Walrus at a press conference following the incident. "If it takes a shock to wake people up to the lingering dangers of land mine use and to remind them that I still exist, well that's a price I'm willing to pay."
While McCartney might have been speaking of payment metaphorically, the issue of multi-million dollar fines now looms over Fox. The network had originally planned to comply with the FCC request to run the game on a seven hour delay, but problems with the betting industry caused them to reverse their decision. Thankfully, the federal government has so far not announced plans to fine the Fox network or its hundreds of affiliates for the indecent broadcast.
"The primary difference between these two apparently similar incidents is that Janet Jackson's flashing stunt was sexy," explained outgoing Chairman Michael Powell. "Mr. McCartney's, on the other hand, was as far from it as you could possibly get. In fact, it was about as sexy as a surgery documentary on PBS, and since we don't fine them for that I can't really see a reason to punish Fox. Besides, McCartney is relatively stable person who can still sell a few records while Miss Jackson (if you're nasty) is neither."
Forgotten in the scuffle over the "Hey Nude" incident is the biggest victim in all of this, the Super Bowl itself. When McCartney decided to rock out with his cock out on Sunday, he misled organizers and jeopardized the institution so vital to the beer commercial problem gambling communities.
"He told us he was going to pay tribute to peace and fluffy bunnies," said Super Bowl executive producer Ed Goren. "Mostly, I'm pissed about not having any bunnies."
--staff