Ok, sorry for the late response.
Strange...I still stand by what I said last time. You still need to try not to let yourself wallow in self pity so much...
But I had no idea you had such a hard childhood/past, and I'm really sorry if I was overly harsh. I know how much that can screw you up, and I had abusive parents who threw me out at 16 too, so I definately can relate on some level...although yours seem much worse.
It's really hard to see yourself in a good light after your parents and those around you have dragged you down and made you feel like crap for such a long time. I, luckily, had people who rescued me from my crappy situation, and it only took me a few years to sort of make myself see my own worth. But basically, you just have to start doing good things for yourself and don't let yourself give up, because if you don't give up, one day you'll wake up and feel really good - not only for doing that good thing but because you did it and didn't stop. And each thing you do for yourself, however little, will make you happier as a whole. As you accomplish each thing, you will be a bit happier and more able to tackle the next thing. That's why setting small goals is good.
And focus on the good aspects of yourself rather than the bad.
Seriously, Famous. It's easy to get carried away with the bad stuff and blow them out of proportion in your mind. It's so easy to spot and pinpoint the bad stuff.
But as for your looks - I've seen pictures of you (including the ones in Titled Exhibition) and you're really NOT that bad. Yeah, you do have extra meat on you. You're not some built studly man. But you're nowhere near "fat pig" status either. Fat pigs are disgusting. You're not disgusting. At all. Being fat doesn't necessarily mean disgusting. And the fact that it bothers you is a good thing, because it means you can: a) take steps to change it and b) make sure you don't actually turn into "fat pig" status.
That girl is right. Attractive people come in all shapes and sizes. Not all girls like lean men. Some girls even like meatier men...and as for the rest - if you're a sweet, cool guy, they'll like you. But it's that much harder to find a girl who likes you if you can't even like and appreciate yourself. Your girl will get tired of having to constantly reassure you that you're not that ugly and things are okay.
And you'll find it much easier to meet people if you feel worthy of them in some way.
I really don't think there's anything wrong with you Famous. Even how you look...while you might want to change it, it's not that bad. The biggest thing you need to do is to try to appreciate yourself, and things will get so much easier. Trust me.
Parents can be crap. Just because they got horny with no condoms around doesn't mean they are all-knowing and caring. Obviously, your parents didn't take the time to get to know you or care. You seem like a very sweet, caring guy in a lot of ways, and your parents couldn't see that. Instead, they desensitised you and made you feel bad about yourself because of their own issues.
Your father had no right to do any of those things to you. You were just a child. Don't let what he said or did back then get to you now. You've changed, for one thing, so whatever he said definately doesn't apply anymore. And second of all, everyone else can see that what he said is not the case.
Just because you don't react to things right now doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You yourself...the real you...is not an insensitive person wtih no feelings. The problem is that you have been desensitised. You've been through so much (and still are going through a lot with your emotions) that you've become numb.
When I was going through severe depression (when I lived with my parents and after getting kicked out), I had that a lot too. Just a complete indifference to everything happening in the world around me....even to other things that happened *to* me. But it's not you. It's just the reaction of your mind to so much horrible stuff at once. Because sometimes it's better to feel nothing than to feel what you would otherwise be feeling.
But if you start to deal with the things that are bothering you and figure out a way to make yourself happy and come to terms with your past, I believe you can feel things again. The numbness isn't a life-time thing. It's a defense mechanism.
I know that's a lot of tasks right there, and you don't have to get them all out of the way before a relationship (the relationship could even help you with some of them), but you do need to get them out of the way at some point in your life because you'll be sooo much happier once you do. YOu'll feel like a whole new person, and others will probably see you as such too
.
I think you've probably built up walls because you're afraid of getting hurt again, but you're lonely inside those walls. You want someone to love you, and to be there for you, but you're too afraid of being hurt again to let anyone get too close.
I used to be like that and as a result, everyone I met saw me as an angry person.
But really, I was afraid of being alone and I thought that I'd rather be alone by choice than alone because I was rejected. So I molded my outward persona to be something different than what I was on the inside.
I don't know if you do this as well, but again, you can't think like that, and this also changed for me when I started to become a more happy person.
This part, though, is going to be more important once you're actually in a relationship....because once you're in one, you have to be able to let down some of your barriers when the time is right. And you can't do that if you're still afraid of being abandoned again.
Okay this post is pretty disjointed but I'm going to post it and maybe edit it later. I'm pretty exhausted right now and I'm having trouble being articulate. I hope that everything makes sense.