Sometimes it's too hard to let go...maybe you're not ready yet. Even so, having left for a while may have helped to open your eyes? That perhaps you can do this, with time, be on your own and live for yourself and your dreams? You sound very confused. If you're not sure about either guy, maybe you should learn to face your biggest fear...being alone and actually daring to be happy that way. Good luck to you sweetie 
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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.
Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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