* Republicans finally agree to raise minimum wage to $5.45/hr.
* Supreme Court musters up the rocks to admit Christianity not the only religion in America, science textbooks now 6,011 pages long as they incorporate every religious theory of creation known to man in the chapter about evolution.
* Cigarette company sued for $5.65 billion dollars in class action lawsuit initiated by every smoker in America. Lawyer for Phillip Morris quoted as saying "Is cash acceptable?"
* Government issues millionth decree to Major League Baseball condemning the use of anabolic steroids. Players call accusations of drug abuse "an outrage." Home run record broken for the 19th consecutive year, now stands at 136. Red Sox lose pennant to Yankees for the 24th consecutive year.
* Star Wars VII hits theaters. Star Wars IV-VI re-re-re-re-re-released with new bonus features. Greedo shoots first again.
* Windows 2030 debuts. Presentation flawed by minor technical glitch, both Linux users immediately flood the Internet with a new series of Windows jokes. Windows 2030 sells 453 million copies on release day.
* AOL version 23.0 released. In related news, my mom still using dialup.
* Xbox 5 and Playstation 9 released on same day. Halo 14 breaks sales records. Parent groups condemn Grand Theft Auto: Antarctica.
* Taco Bell unveils the Double Decker Spicy Taco Crunch. Claims team of researchers has spent hundreds of man-hours devising new way to combine frozen lettuce, artificial cheese, and commercial-grade beef.
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