bullmoose

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally kown as California.

* Spotted owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.

* Baby conceved naturally....... scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate hetrosexual marriage.

* Last remaining fundamentalist muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).

* France pleads for global help after being over-run by Jamaica.

* Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2036.

* U.S. Postal service raises price of first class stamp to $17.98 and reduces mail deliverys to wensdays only.

* Government funded, 85-year, 75.8 billion study reveals that diet and exercise are the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of americans drops to 275 lbs.

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they can now photograph a woman with her mouht shut.

* Massachusetts executes last remaining consertative.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 1st.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

* Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

Feel free to add em if you got em.

__________________
Rehab is for quitters.

Delvid

Good stuff. 2029 is sooner than we think.

TexanAvenger

*Long distance runner wins race without using steriods. Suspecting of cheating.
*Microsoft releases Windows WeWantMoreMoney
*Wo/Mankind reaches Mars, claims it in the name of Nike
*I/O ports: the must have accessory of the year
*News from White House: War in Iraqi officially over!

I'll think of more later, gotta run...

cj2112

Child found playing outside, Parents charged with abuse.

Willravel

* Windows finally catches up to Mac OSX released in '99
* Fundamentalist Democrats bomb the Pat Robertson Presidential Library
* Watching movies and listening to music is outlawed by the RIAA
* Moe, Larry, and Curly (the clones of the original three stooges) killing rampage continues. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
* Friends 25 year reunion takes place at some homeless shlter in L.A. David Schwimmer still insists he was "on a brake."
* Dennis Miller dies of sarcasm induced stroke after watching O.J. Simpson marry Jessica Simpson
* Janet Reno wins UFC championchip
* Carrot top put to death by a world court for crimes against humanity
* Jesus returns only to get stuck in customs for 3 years because of anti-terrrorist security
* Tom Seleck is still the only man alive that doesn't look gay with a mustache
* Jay Z's space yacht crashes into his new 38,000 karot necklace. There were no survivors
* Jurassic Park opens without incodent
* Cylon and Garfunkle headline Woodstock '29 (think battlestar)
* Klingon Empire condems U.S. actions in the Middle East
* A national day of celebration was announced after Paris Hilton finally passes the 8th grade
* Haley Joel Osmond turns down the role to be the next James Bond
* Olson twins turn 43. Men still feel like creeps for thinking they are hot.
* Scientists finally discover conclusively that eggs are in fact good for you. Science is officially over.

lyxo

* Arnold Schwarzenegger demands a recount of his run for re-election in 2028 against Chelsea Clinton calling the Democrats "manly women" for not doing it

Stiltzkin

Scientists discover free energy.
First and second laws of thermodynamics disproven.
First landing on the moon (yes, I am one of <i>those</i> people)

__________________
The most important thing in this world is love.

Echodork

* Republicans finally agree to raise minimum wage to $5.45/hr.

* Supreme Court musters up the rocks to admit Christianity not the only religion in America, science textbooks now 6,011 pages long as they incorporate every religious theory of creation known to man in the chapter about evolution.

* Cigarette company sued for $5.65 billion dollars in class action lawsuit initiated by every smoker in America. Lawyer for Phillip Morris quoted as saying "Is cash acceptable?"

* Government issues millionth decree to Major League Baseball condemning the use of anabolic steroids. Players call accusations of drug abuse "an outrage." Home run record broken for the 19th consecutive year, now stands at 136. Red Sox lose pennant to Yankees for the 24th consecutive year.

* Star Wars VII hits theaters. Star Wars IV-VI re-re-re-re-re-released with new bonus features. Greedo shoots first again.

* Windows 2030 debuts. Presentation flawed by minor technical glitch, both Linux users immediately flood the Internet with a new series of Windows jokes. Windows 2030 sells 453 million copies on release day.

* AOL version 23.0 released. In related news, my mom still using dialup.

* Xbox 5 and Playstation 9 released on same day. Halo 14 breaks sales records. Parent groups condemn Grand Theft Auto: Antarctica.

* Taco Bell unveils the Double Decker Spicy Taco Crunch. Claims team of researchers has spent hundreds of man-hours devising new way to combine frozen lettuce, artificial cheese, and commercial-grade beef.

kifferfong

Hahah! Great stuff!

MikeyChalupa

*New Jersey Yankees win 40th World Series title. Payroll reaches $1.5 billion.

*Chicago Cubs swept out of NLCS by the Las Vegas Mets; Title drought reaches 121 years.

*NHL lockout ends.

-Mikey

rickscales

*Duke Nukem Forever and Team Fortress 2 released

/geek

Rdr4evr

LoL, Duke Nukem Forever would be going through its 140th engine change at that point

Homey_V

Windows is officially classified as abandonware as Linux sweeps the desktop market, in other news, Computer errors are localized as a user problem and idiots are banned from all things electronic.

__________________
You did what with a duck?

sadistikdreams

Did anyone find the Futurama reference in the original post?

hoo hoo

__________________
"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials."
-Lin Yutang

hearts, by d.a.

wgheow

haaahaha..i like the japanese 1...the one abotu camera being able to take pic of woman wif mouth shut

Sbudda

Of course. My owl traps are already out...

Amano

*Asteroid MN4 hits earth and wipes out Australia

Hedgehog

Headlines, not diatribes, folks. Short and informative.

"Odin revealed as One True God"
(subheadline: Muslims, Christians - "D'oh!")

"Democrats Gain 4 More Votes In 563rd Recount"
(subheadline: Still 126,949,303 Short)

"Hydrogen Shortage Continues"
(subheadline: USA Cuts Back On Exports of H to Middle East)

"UN Condemns All Western Hemisphere Nations"
(subheadline: China, Iraq Are Last Remaining Members)

__________________
Wait a minute! Where am I, and why am I in this handbasket?

blitz.fenix

Leafs lose in Game 7
-Fans say "Next Year"

War in Iraq deemed on the brink of success
-George W. Bush says "Elections soon to follow"

Oxford releases dictioanry with new words
-ROFLMAO and IMHO out, STFU in.

Shpoop

haha these are aweomse

Acetylene

*Jesus returns, is aborted
-Mother: "Honestly, I didn't fuck anyone!"

*Doubt Cast on 2004 Red Sox Victory
-Fans Wonder, Was It All a Dream?

*Aliens Land on White House Lawn
-Admit Crop Circles Were "Just for Shits and Giggles"

__________________
There's no justice. There's just us.

CShine

"Wal-Mart achieves worst customer service record ever - CEO awarded $87 billion bonus"

"Liberal media is banned - New York Times switches to producing child porn"

"Northeastern Delaware A&M wins the BCS Championship after a 5-6 season"

Fohur2

The future scares me now.

itch vaccine

* George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2036.

LOL at this

wahahaha.~

__________________
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein