Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Confusion as what to do with Parents...What am I supposed to DO?!

raeanna74 · 12-01-2004, 10:30 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My first thought is "Is she getting counseling?"
A serious illness like this is bound to mess with anyone's emotions let alone someone who's aready somewhat unstable. She needs counseling and she needs it NOW. If she refuses to go you have leverage in that she's 'considering' suicide. The government could step in and get her to counseling. She needs this for herself as well as your family.

Your sister also needs some counseling. She needs to learn to distance herself from her mother and not to coddle her despite her illness.

From previous posts I gather that your mother is a bit manipulative and controlling. This illness has only given her another BIG lever of control over her family and it's going to destroy your family unless you combine forces with your Dad and sister and take that lever away from her. If you could get her into the hospital or somewhere else where someone other than your family is responsible for caring for her that will be a big step in taking the control away from her. She may be feeling desperate to gain as much control as she can because the illness makes her feel out of control. That won't help her though. She needs to deal with her own emotions over this and accept what happening. Not to give up but to face it. She's probably going through stages of grief over the illness and one important stage is Anger. She needs to move past that stage though.

I may be coming at this from a harsh point of view but to give you just a tiny bit of background on my experience. My Dad used illness to manipulate his family. He sulked and was angry constantly. It got to the point where one of his medications caused a reaction and he began hallucinating. It was probably the best thing for my family because he was hospitalized for 6 months. I was 12 at the time and hated him for his "illness". Now I see what's happened and I have a good relationship with him. I rarely went to visit him while in the hospital and his Dr (in the psychiatric ward) encouraged me to visit only when I wanted. He said that my Dad needed to NOT be pampered and that he'd learn to quit trying to use illness to manipulate his family. It worked. Took 6 months before they let him out of the hospital but he learned that manipulation wasn't helping him deal with his emotional baggage over the illness. He still struggles with it but he lost that wedge of control that was splitting his family apart. When I hear of your Mom it reminds me of Dad's behavior.

I send you and your family my prayers and well wishes. Good Luck.

12-01-2004, 10:30 AM	#12 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I'm sorry you are going through this. My first thought is "Is she getting counseling?" A serious illness like this is bound to mess with anyone's emotions let alone someone who's aready somewhat unstable. She needs counseling and she needs it NOW. If she refuses to go you have leverage in that she's 'considering' suicide. The government could step in and get her to counseling. She needs this for herself as well as your family. Your sister also needs some counseling. She needs to learn to distance herself from her mother and not to coddle her despite her illness. From previous posts I gather that your mother is a bit manipulative and controlling. This illness has only given her another BIG lever of control over her family and it's going to destroy your family unless you combine forces with your Dad and sister and take that lever away from her. If you could get her into the hospital or somewhere else where someone other than your family is responsible for caring for her that will be a big step in taking the control away from her. She may be feeling desperate to gain as much control as she can because the illness makes her feel out of control. That won't help her though. She needs to deal with her own emotions over this and accept what happening. Not to give up but to face it. She's probably going through stages of grief over the illness and one important stage is Anger. She needs to move past that stage though. I may be coming at this from a harsh point of view but to give you just a tiny bit of background on my experience. My Dad used illness to manipulate his family. He sulked and was angry constantly. It got to the point where one of his medications caused a reaction and he began hallucinating. It was probably the best thing for my family because he was hospitalized for 6 months. I was 12 at the time and hated him for his "illness". Now I see what's happened and I have a good relationship with him. I rarely went to visit him while in the hospital and his Dr (in the psychiatric ward) encouraged me to visit only when I wanted. He said that my Dad needed to NOT be pampered and that he'd learn to quit trying to use illness to manipulate his family. It worked. Took 6 months before they let him out of the hospital but he learned that manipulation wasn't helping him deal with his emotional baggage over the illness. He still struggles with it but he lost that wedge of control that was splitting his family apart. When I hear of your Mom it reminds me of Dad's behavior. I send you and your family my prayers and well wishes. Good Luck. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.