la petite moi

So my mother has breast cancer. They've already removed it and she's going through chemotherapy. She has become obscene with her language, screaming the F-word at my sister just because she won't vaccuum to floor a third time in a row in three days (my mother is obsessive-compulsive). My sister is actively trying to be sugary-sweet nice to my mother, spending time with her, trying to be her friend, and yet my mother is still wallowing in self-pity and misery. She likes to whine about wanting to commit suicide and makes my sister think it's her fault that my mother wants to get a divorce.

She also thinks she should get anything she wants. She has a room and a half to herself, her own pet bird, five closets, and a bathroom...all to herself. My dad has half a room, a closet, a shares a shower with my sister and I. My sister and I share a room and our closet, and have to share a bathroom. She rags on my dad, saying that he does nothing for her, while my dad is at work for twelve hours at a time, making money for the family. She thinks that my dad should do nothing for himself, and instead should take time off to spend with her, since she doesn't work. Now she's even trying to make everyone else do housework. Just the other day, my dad was leaving for work and said 'I love you' to my mom. My mom's reply was: Don't worry, the house will be clean when you get home.

Now, my dad has been extremely patient with this whole thing, and has told me that there are times when he just wants to blow up. Finally, this morning, my mother was going CRAZY at my sister, kicking her and telling her to fuck off because my sister wouldnt vaccuum for a third time in a row in three days (like I mentioned before). My dad came downstairs, trying to tell them to calm down. My mom wouldn't listen, so my dad just started screaming too. My mother continued yelling, and once my dad left, my mother still yelled at my sister, telling her 'Yes I know I'm just soooo self-centred, and maybe your father and I should just get a divorce." My sister now thinks that it's her fault, and I'm shaken up about the whole thing.

I just don't know what to do. How am I supposed to help? I don't want to be their friend because I doin't like being criticised about things I do, but I feel bad for my sister who wants to get along with my mom.

SecretMethod70

Your mom needs professional help. The rest of your family needs to have an intervention and get her to get it. Apparently marriage counseling wouldn't be a bad idea either.

As for your sister, just be there for her. Do what you can to reassure her that it's not her fault. And don't hold back in being candid about your mom to her, so that she realizes that it's NOT her fault.

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:::OshnSoul:::

She is so saddened that this had to happen to her that she is releasing it in anger. Anger is supressed sadness. She just needs to be reminded that's it's ok, and to be given tough love- she'll realize that she's still loved and special.
Cancer can be so tough on a person- she's not taking initiative of her life here- she wasn't prepared, but who can be? Don't give into her weakness and anger, but sternly remind her that everything is okay. What depressed people can't stand is tough love. She will get worried and cave. You can't do anything for her state of mind- that's up to her, but you have to show her that.
I wish you all the best and you all are in my thoughts. Take it one day at a time.

la petite moi

I must add that she's always been very self-centred and forceful to people; however, with cancer, she's just gotten even worse and she can't even hold back her AWFUL language.

Phant84

along with all the other advise, i would say to make sure you and your sister talk about it. dont keep it bottled up inside, unless you want more problems


(very good start by the way. tfp always seems to be the best place for me.)

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Phant

Irrationality is the square root of all evil

ratbastid

It sounds like she wasn't all that stable to begin with, though, right?

Here's the deal: she's had a very serious health scare, and to her, it looks like she's all alone in a world that she has to navigate all by herself. I know that's not the reality of it, but it's how things look to her. At some point in her treatment, she said to herself, "Nobody's here to support me." Maybe even, "They've forgotten all about me and they don't care." And now that's the Truth for her.

Her response to that is to get in everybody's face and be as obnoxious as possible, so she can be sure you don't forget about her. She's causing as much trouble as she can, because it's the only way she can see to be with any of you at all.

It's not healthy. But understanding where she's coming from can bring you and your family a measure of peace.

She needs treatment for the OCD (assuming that was a for-real diagnosis and not a self-diagnosis or daughter-diagnosis ). That's probably behind a lot of this. If she's physically incapacitated and unable to perform the self-regulating acts that OCD sufferers are obligated by their condition to perform, it's going to have a HIGHLY stressful affect on her.

Squishor

I know a lot of people who've gone through interferon treatment for Hep C, and I believe it's the same thing they use for cancer (right?). It's known for making people go crazy and breaking up relationships, seriously. It sounds like she already had some problems before this, plus the illness, then the chemo has likely just been too much for her. Research the medication she's on, and if this is the case, maybe it can be pointed out to her as a cause for her feelings of rage and being out of control; maybe then she can take an active part in doing something about it. Chances are she's not too happy about the way things are going either. Good luck, it sounds hard.

Frowning Budah

I am sorry you and your family are going through this. As the population ages I am afraid more of us will also have to deal with these types of problems.
I know my mother went through a similar situation with her father and it put a major strain on the whole family. I think some professional evaluation is in order. If nothing else talk to your Mother's Doctor to determine if it a medicine related problem and if there are alternative prescriptions they may try.
Take care of yourself and your sister. Get away as much as possible and do nice things for yourselves and each other. It will help you cope.

archer

This may sound harsh, but your mum's lost it, and is a danger to the mental and physical (at least in the case of your sister) health of the rest of your family if she keeps up this shit.
There may be reasons for this behaviour, and no, I don't think she's enjoying herself in the end, but she needs professional help, whether she realises or not.
I've seen this sort of thing happen a few times, and the earlier someone (counsellor or government department) steps in, the better it works out.

bal8664

If you don't mind me asking how old are you and your sister? If your sister is still young (under 15 or so) This could have a longterm psychological effect on her, which would be very bad. I think you should be there for your sister first, who seems to be getting the bulk of the abuse, and yes this is a form of abuse whether its on purpose or not. Protect your sister, and don't ignore this problem, it won't go away.

taylorspl

Sounds like my mom. Probably the reason I don't speak to her anymore and moved out the instant I realised that things would never change. It sucks because she obviously isn't capable of taking care of herself due to her mental state, but its not your responsibility, she's supposed to be the parent.

raeanna74

I'm sorry you are going through this.

My first thought is "Is she getting counseling?"
A serious illness like this is bound to mess with anyone's emotions let alone someone who's aready somewhat unstable. She needs counseling and she needs it NOW. If she refuses to go you have leverage in that she's 'considering' suicide. The government could step in and get her to counseling. She needs this for herself as well as your family.

Your sister also needs some counseling. She needs to learn to distance herself from her mother and not to coddle her despite her illness.

From previous posts I gather that your mother is a bit manipulative and controlling. This illness has only given her another BIG lever of control over her family and it's going to destroy your family unless you combine forces with your Dad and sister and take that lever away from her. If you could get her into the hospital or somewhere else where someone other than your family is responsible for caring for her that will be a big step in taking the control away from her. She may be feeling desperate to gain as much control as she can because the illness makes her feel out of control. That won't help her though. She needs to deal with her own emotions over this and accept what happening. Not to give up but to face it. She's probably going through stages of grief over the illness and one important stage is Anger. She needs to move past that stage though.

I may be coming at this from a harsh point of view but to give you just a tiny bit of background on my experience. My Dad used illness to manipulate his family. He sulked and was angry constantly. It got to the point where one of his medications caused a reaction and he began hallucinating. It was probably the best thing for my family because he was hospitalized for 6 months. I was 12 at the time and hated him for his "illness". Now I see what's happened and I have a good relationship with him. I rarely went to visit him while in the hospital and his Dr (in the psychiatric ward) encouraged me to visit only when I wanted. He said that my Dad needed to NOT be pampered and that he'd learn to quit trying to use illness to manipulate his family. It worked. Took 6 months before they let him out of the hospital but he learned that manipulation wasn't helping him deal with his emotional baggage over the illness. He still struggles with it but he lost that wedge of control that was splitting his family apart. When I hear of your Mom it reminds me of Dad's behavior.

I send you and your family my prayers and well wishes. Good Luck.

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