IndyRogue

I think I'm a horrible person. I started dating this guy back in July... nothing serious and I didnt even take it seriously when it started. I never thought it would last, I didn't even like him much. So why go out w/ him? I am 19. Never had a serious boyfriend, never been in love, never had my heart broken. Before we started dating I told him about another guy. Someone who is very important to me, someone I had never met but was going to fly half way across the world to meet in August. Someone who I've been talking to for almost 4 years, someone who has become my best friend and someone I have grown to love.

My boyfriend was pretty worried before I left for Europe that I was going to cheat on him. I assured him that I wouldn't, but in the back of my mind I was thinking something totally different. I went to Europe, I met this guy and it was just like normal. I wasn't nervous, we got along just fine and had enough things to talk about and we were just like we were in our letters and e-mails and chats. He was wonderful. I messed everything up... I don't know if it was culture shock or being homesick or what but I ended up going home early. After having slept w/ this wonderful friend. After having met his family, and hanging out w/ his friends and walking on the beach and looking into his eyes and being able to see how much he loved me and wanted me. Somehow I made myself miserable..... I was having a wonderful time and I turned everything around and worried about my bf and things not being the same when I got home. I had been planning this trip for more than a year and I ruined it. I don't even know how it happened. This guy is everything I've ever wanted, he knows me and he is the one person I have ever been completly honest w/ yet I left him and came back home early. I guess I don't know what I am wanting from you guys. Maybe to tell me that I am w/ my boyfriend here just because I dont want to be alone... because I want a companion. Because I am scared of having a long distance relationship, of it failing, and having my heart broken. I never told my boyfriend I cheated on him. Lately I keep thinking about it and I keep thinking maybe I will just tell him because that will end everything. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what I feel. How do you ever know if what you are feeling is real?

Please help me out a little...