Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Some issues--Advice?

ratbastid · 10-15-2004, 09:05 AM

First off, we don't roast newbies around here much, especially those posting sincere problems in complete sentences. Welcome!

First things first: it sounds to me like you're not communicating with her about this. Have you spoken with her about your concerns, what it's like for you, and how you wish it could be? You want to do this without blame. It's not her FAULT that it's like this, it's just a situation that's not how you want it.

Second, I think you're dead-on that her rape is at the source of what's going on. Yes, you were pretty naive to think that enough attention or anything else on your part would change things, but that's water under the bridge at this point.

The bad news here is that she's had 30 years to justify and rationalize her attitudes and opinions. It doesn't look like the result of trauma to her anymore, it just looks like how life IS. What's really needed here is some good therapy. The good news is that there are professionals out there who are excellent at helping people recover from exactly this sort of experience.

The bottom line is: she never got over it. She's never recovered from it. She's still that boy's victim, every single day. And in the moments when you're attempting to be intimate with her, she turns you into that boy, and herself into your victim.

10-15-2004, 09:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	First off, we don't roast newbies around here much, especially those posting sincere problems in complete sentences. Welcome! First things first: it sounds to me like you're not communicating with her about this. Have you spoken with her about your concerns, what it's like for you, and how you wish it could be? You want to do this without blame. It's not her FAULT that it's like this, it's just a situation that's not how you want it. Second, I think you're dead-on that her rape is at the source of what's going on. Yes, you were pretty naive to think that enough attention or anything else on your part would change things, but that's water under the bridge at this point. The bad news here is that she's had 30 years to justify and rationalize her attitudes and opinions. It doesn't look like the result of trauma to her anymore, it just looks like how life IS. What's really needed here is some good therapy. The good news is that there are professionals out there who are excellent at helping people recover from exactly this sort of experience. The bottom line is: she never got over it. She's never recovered from it. She's still that boy's victim, every single day. And in the moments when you're attempting to be intimate with her, she turns you into that boy, and herself into your victim.