Some issues--Advice? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

JohnnyCarson · 10-15-2004, 07:00 AM

Let me preface this by saying that I'm a newbie so don't roast me!!! This might get kind of long....

Here is the situation:

Our sex life is pretty much non-existant. The sex has never been great. My wife and I have been married 22 years now. We have sex MAYBE once a month. She has almost 0 desire for sex. Even when we were first married it was maybe a couple times a week at most. I also need to say that she is absolutely perfect in every other way! I think she is the greatest companion a person could have. When she tells people that we have one kid that has graduated college and one that is in college, people are shocked. People are always thinking that she and my daughter are sisters. (Drives my daughter insane!)

She was date raped when she was a 14 year old virgin. I attribute her sexual problems to this. It is a topic she won't discuss with me. This happened almost 30 years ago. I think it is the underlying case of everything. It was one of those deals back in the 70's where the girl doesn't report it because then they are made out to be a slut. Her close friends know about it, but she didn't talk to anyone else about it until we got together. That is the only time she had sex before me.

Here are the issues I have and am looking for advice hopefully

1) The lack of sexual frequency. I am on medication that keeps me from getting an erection, but I have Viagra. As I said above we have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. She has NEVER made the "first move". It is always me and it is a major deal to get her to do it. It's like she is very proud that she keeps her pants on.

2) When we do have sex, there is little foreplay. What there is is me doing it to her. She will reach down to see if I'm hard and that is it on her part. It's like hurry up and get it over with. It is either me on top or her on top that is it. No other positions.

3) She very rarely touches me any other time. I come up behind her and give her hugs, rub her shoulders, etc. but she will just not return it.

4) As far as oral sex goes, she absolutely will not do it. She thinks it is gross and disgusting. She does on occasion let me do it to her, but she tries to stop me first. Then, when I make my way back up she will not kiss me and even turns her head to the side.

5) There is no variety in our sex life...basic missionary. I would love to experiment with other positions but not her. I've tried everything I can think of including trying to get her to watch like "Cinemax" type porn (which she won't, saying it is sick) to trying to get her to go to a "toy store" and find something that might spice things up...nope.

6) She has an "all natural" bush. I've brought up the subject of her trimming it , but her response is that that is perverted.

There is just no physical contact in my life. I guess I knew going in to our marriage that that is how she was, but I thought maybe be me showing her lots of affection, it would change her. Nope. I love her with all of my heart. She is fun to be with and all of that and is the "perfect wife" except for these issues. She just won't talk about it. As I said, she just won't talk about it so I don't think counciling is an option...

It's not an issue of either one of us getting gross or fat as we got older. She is within 10 pounds of where she was when we got married and there is absolutely no reason that I would gross here out. I guess I have let this go on for over 20 years, so it's too late now, but has anyone else had a similar situation and what did you do? I need some advice! What can I do?

ratbastid · 10-15-2004, 09:05 AM

First off, we don't roast newbies around here much, especially those posting sincere problems in complete sentences. Welcome!

First things first: it sounds to me like you're not communicating with her about this. Have you spoken with her about your concerns, what it's like for you, and how you wish it could be? You want to do this without blame. It's not her FAULT that it's like this, it's just a situation that's not how you want it.

Second, I think you're dead-on that her rape is at the source of what's going on. Yes, you were pretty naive to think that enough attention or anything else on your part would change things, but that's water under the bridge at this point.

The bad news here is that she's had 30 years to justify and rationalize her attitudes and opinions. It doesn't look like the result of trauma to her anymore, it just looks like how life IS. What's really needed here is some good therapy. The good news is that there are professionals out there who are excellent at helping people recover from exactly this sort of experience.

The bottom line is: she never got over it. She's never recovered from it. She's still that boy's victim, every single day. And in the moments when you're attempting to be intimate with her, she turns you into that boy, and herself into your victim.

denim · 10-15-2004, 09:33 AM

I wonder if marriage counseling would be appropriate. (I speak as one who has always been single) Physical issues, including sex, are supposed to be significant in a marriage, as i understand it. The fact that she appears to have never worked through her rape seems likely to have to do with the issues you're seeing. Unfortunately, if she refuses to do anything about this, doesn't see the problem, you're not likely to be able to do much about it.

Rinndalir · 10-15-2004, 10:14 AM

This is not what you want to hear but...I was in a similar situation with a girl once, we were together for 5 years. She had tons of other problems on top of the sexual issues, pill abuse, eating disorder, depression, all of stemming from rape at a young age. I eventually left her because I realized she was never going to get over it and be able to enjoy sex, and that baggage she carried caused all sorts of other problems that would never go away without treating the cause. 5 years, 22 years, it doesn't matter, she didn't want to face it and move on. And I felt like a total bastard but I love sex and not having that part of our relationship was killing me, I decided life is too short to be miserable because you feel obligated to stay with someone who makes it that way.

Well I hope I'm wrong, but I learned that all the therapy and loving support in the world won't do shit unless the person is willing to get better. Good luck.

stonegrody · 10-15-2004, 10:29 AM

Sorry to hear this Johnny. It must be tough. Maybe your wife needs a little therapy to help get her feelings out about things? The fact that she has such a negative attitude towards sex probably isn't healthy.

You seem to respect her stance which is great, but this has to be hard on you as well. A marriage is a two way street. Maybe you should talk to her about this and let her know that you would like to have a healthier, happier sex life. Something to be enjoyed and not endured. You seem to be making a lot of comprimise here, maybe she should make some of her own. Not to say that her feelings are not legit. I'm sure what she went through has a lot to do with this but you also have needs of your own. If approached the right way, I'm sure she would consider improving the situation. It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise so maybe it wouldn't be so hard to talk to her about it. It's a touchy subject so tread lightly. Good luck.

txgixxer · 10-15-2004, 12:50 PM

You have just about described my wife to the "T" with the exception of the date rape. I have tried and tried to talk to my wife about this with no change. A marriage with very little or no physical relationship is very frustrating.

I would have to say that give your situiation that perhaps counseling could be a great help. I also agree with the above that a negative and/or passive attitide towards sex is not healthy nor fair to either partner in the relationship.

adam · 10-15-2004, 04:56 PM

I think you should consider therapy -- for her, and possibly couple's counseling as well. Of course, that requires her cooperation. But with a traumatic experience like that, it would seem like something worth doing _regardless_ of whether it helps heal your sexual relationship.

RainbowBright · 10-15-2004, 09:18 PM

I agree with everyone else's statements. Sex/ physical intimacy is an important part of married life. There is no way she will be able to move past this without therapy but she may not be willing to go. Starting with a marriage counselor so you will both be going may help although she's eventually going to have to do some serious one on one counseling sessions. Try to make it about both of you, try not to make her feel like you are blaming her. I can tell you love her and I'm sure she loves you. Tell her how you feel, be honest, make sure she can see how much you love her. If you didn't love her you wouldn't want to work this hard to make your marriage work.

10-15-2004, 07:00 AM	#1 (permalink)
JohnnyCarson Upright	Some issues--Advice? Let me preface this by saying that I'm a newbie so don't roast me!!! This might get kind of long.... Here is the situation: Our sex life is pretty much non-existant. The sex has never been great. My wife and I have been married 22 years now. We have sex MAYBE once a month. She has almost 0 desire for sex. Even when we were first married it was maybe a couple times a week at most. I also need to say that she is absolutely perfect in every other way! I think she is the greatest companion a person could have. When she tells people that we have one kid that has graduated college and one that is in college, people are shocked. People are always thinking that she and my daughter are sisters. (Drives my daughter insane!) She was date raped when she was a 14 year old virgin. I attribute her sexual problems to this. It is a topic she won't discuss with me. This happened almost 30 years ago. I think it is the underlying case of everything. It was one of those deals back in the 70's where the girl doesn't report it because then they are made out to be a slut. Her close friends know about it, but she didn't talk to anyone else about it until we got together. That is the only time she had sex before me. Here are the issues I have and am looking for advice hopefully 1) The lack of sexual frequency. I am on medication that keeps me from getting an erection, but I have Viagra. As I said above we have sex maybe once a month if I am lucky. She has NEVER made the "first move". It is always me and it is a major deal to get her to do it. It's like she is very proud that she keeps her pants on. 2) When we do have sex, there is little foreplay. What there is is me doing it to her. She will reach down to see if I'm hard and that is it on her part. It's like hurry up and get it over with. It is either me on top or her on top that is it. No other positions. 3) She very rarely touches me any other time. I come up behind her and give her hugs, rub her shoulders, etc. but she will just not return it. 4) As far as oral sex goes, she absolutely will not do it. She thinks it is gross and disgusting. She does on occasion let me do it to her, but she tries to stop me first. Then, when I make my way back up she will not kiss me and even turns her head to the side. 5) There is no variety in our sex life...basic missionary. I would love to experiment with other positions but not her. I've tried everything I can think of including trying to get her to watch like "Cinemax" type porn (which she won't, saying it is sick) to trying to get her to go to a "toy store" and find something that might spice things up...nope. 6) She has an "all natural" bush. I've brought up the subject of her trimming it , but her response is that that is perverted. There is just no physical contact in my life. I guess I knew going in to our marriage that that is how she was, but I thought maybe be me showing her lots of affection, it would change her. Nope. I love her with all of my heart. She is fun to be with and all of that and is the "perfect wife" except for these issues. She just won't talk about it. As I said, she just won't talk about it so I don't think counciling is an option... It's not an issue of either one of us getting gross or fat as we got older. She is within 10 pounds of where she was when we got married and there is absolutely no reason that I would gross here out. I guess I have let this go on for over 20 years, so it's too late now, but has anyone else had a similar situation and what did you do? I need some advice! What can I do?

10-15-2004, 10:29 AM	#5 (permalink)
stonegrody Brooding. Location: CA-USA	Sorry to hear this Johnny. It must be tough. Maybe your wife needs a little therapy to help get her feelings out about things? The fact that she has such a negative attitude towards sex probably isn't healthy. You seem to respect her stance which is great, but this has to be hard on you as well. A marriage is a two way street. Maybe you should talk to her about this and let her know that you would like to have a healthier, happier sex life. Something to be enjoyed and not endured. You seem to be making a lot of comprimise here, maybe she should make some of her own. Not to say that her feelings are not legit. I'm sure what she went through has a lot to do with this but you also have needs of your own. If approached the right way, I'm sure she would consider improving the situation. It sounds like you have a good relationship otherwise so maybe it wouldn't be so hard to talk to her about it. It's a touchy subject so tread lightly. Good luck. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality. Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal. All this pain is an illusion. Tool - Parabola

10-15-2004, 09:05 AM	#2 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	First off, we don't roast newbies around here much, especially those posting sincere problems in complete sentences. Welcome! First things first: it sounds to me like you're not communicating with her about this. Have you spoken with her about your concerns, what it's like for you, and how you wish it could be? You want to do this without blame. It's not her FAULT that it's like this, it's just a situation that's not how you want it. Second, I think you're dead-on that her rape is at the source of what's going on. Yes, you were pretty naive to think that enough attention or anything else on your part would change things, but that's water under the bridge at this point. The bad news here is that she's had 30 years to justify and rationalize her attitudes and opinions. It doesn't look like the result of trauma to her anymore, it just looks like how life IS. What's really needed here is some good therapy. The good news is that there are professionals out there who are excellent at helping people recover from exactly this sort of experience. The bottom line is: she never got over it. She's never recovered from it. She's still that boy's victim, every single day. And in the moments when you're attempting to be intimate with her, she turns you into that boy, and herself into your victim.

10-15-2004, 09:33 AM	#3 (permalink)
denim Banned Location: Massachusetts, USA	I wonder if marriage counseling would be appropriate. (I speak as one who has always been single) Physical issues, including sex, are supposed to be significant in a marriage, as i understand it. The fact that she appears to have never worked through her rape seems likely to have to do with the issues you're seeing. Unfortunately, if she refuses to do anything about this, doesn't see the problem, you're not likely to be able to do much about it.

10-15-2004, 10:14 AM	#4 (permalink)
Rinndalir Insane	This is not what you want to hear but...I was in a similar situation with a girl once, we were together for 5 years. She had tons of other problems on top of the sexual issues, pill abuse, eating disorder, depression, all of stemming from rape at a young age. I eventually left her because I realized she was never going to get over it and be able to enjoy sex, and that baggage she carried caused all sorts of other problems that would never go away without treating the cause. 5 years, 22 years, it doesn't matter, she didn't want to face it and move on. And I felt like a total bastard but I love sex and not having that part of our relationship was killing me, I decided life is too short to be miserable because you feel obligated to stay with someone who makes it that way. Well I hope I'm wrong, but I learned that all the therapy and loving support in the world won't do shit unless the person is willing to get better. Good luck.

10-15-2004, 12:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
txgixxer Upright	You have just about described my wife to the "T" with the exception of the date rape. I have tried and tried to talk to my wife about this with no change. A marriage with very little or no physical relationship is very frustrating. I would have to say that give your situiation that perhaps counseling could be a great help. I also agree with the above that a negative and/or passive attitide towards sex is not healthy nor fair to either partner in the relationship.

10-15-2004, 04:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
adam Insane	I think you should consider therapy -- for her, and possibly couple's counseling as well. Of course, that requires her cooperation. But with a traumatic experience like that, it would seem like something worth doing _regardless_ of whether it helps heal your sexual relationship.

10-15-2004, 09:18 PM	#8 (permalink)
RainbowBright Crazy	I agree with everyone else's statements. Sex/ physical intimacy is an important part of married life. There is no way she will be able to move past this without therapy but she may not be willing to go. Starting with a marriage counselor so you will both be going may help although she's eventually going to have to do some serious one on one counseling sessions. Try to make it about both of you, try not to make her feel like you are blaming her. I can tell you love her and I'm sure she loves you. Tell her how you feel, be honest, make sure she can see how much you love her. If you didn't love her you wouldn't want to work this hard to make your marriage work.