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The affair is because the partners are not talking; they have lost touch with each other. The "stepping out partner" is looking for someone to talk with, and the sex is secondary. Or the SOP is angry, and wants to get back at the other. Use sex as a club to the back of the head.
I believe that affairs are totally, completely corrupt and hurtful to all involved.
The "other woman," if she stays with the SOP, gets a man that cheats on his wife. That's basically all that she has to look forward to. The new relationship is born out of corruption and dishonesty. And he gets a woman who sleeps with men who cheat on their wives. What could be more fucked up than that? Love has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with the motivations for those two people to get together with one lying to his/her spouse.
If the marriage is an "open one," then whatever. It's all open and available. But most marriages are not.
The new woman is merely a tool to be used to get out of the marriage, or at least for him to savage his wife in the most personal way. Why the hell would the new woman expect to be treated any better when the relationship has a problem later, as all do?
The measure of a relationship, over time, is how they solve the inevitable problems that come to all of us. When they hit, going out and having an affair is savage, violent, in the most emotional way. It is pure loneliness and anger, walking on the planet.
I know.
So, when the relationship hits bottom, and someone has an affair, I think that the only hope, and I mean only, is to cut off the contact with the outsider, go to a strong joint counselor, commit 200% to 6 - 12 month process. Commit to telling the truth to each other. Ask for forgiveness, and give it freely.
And I suggest that they take a copy of their wedding vows to counseling, and have the counselor walk them through the vows, and talk about each point in them and how it's still, or not, relevant and important.
I have been to several couple counselors over the years and have never had a counselor ask us to bring the vows in.
Hey, I am a California attorney of some years of experience in private practice. We deal with deals, contracts, duties.
The vows are the contract, more special than any other. The affair is a violation, a breach; Only confession, freely and honestly given, and forgiveness, can bring those people back together again into a happy, committed relationship. They have to trust one another again, and to trust that they as a couple have a process to resolve their differences and make their love and bond stronger.
As is probably obvious, the above comments are from my heart and experience. I wish someone had been able to teach me some experience without my having to go through what were the worst 3 years of my life.
Mike
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