danbiles

Wow! A lot of interesting things were said re. my last post. Most of them I already knew. To respond to some of the questions. My wife and I have talked and had counseling. She says it isn't me, she just doesn't have any drive. The sex was just one part of our marriage that is missing. My wife has quit talking to me as well. (at least about important things) I had always said that I could stay in a loveless marriage if it was congenial for the sake of the kids but it gets damn lonely. The affair came from that lonliness and a freind who was there. Since my first post we have agreed to quit the sexual part but we are still communicating. I need to make some tough decisions but the chance of loosing the kids. I know the affair was wrong, and that is why it ended. We both hated sneaking around. I think the worst thing would be to tell her. If I'm ashamed and feel bad, I think I should bear that alone and not hurt my wife with it so that won't happen.

iceburn

DON'T TELL HER! You'll ruin her life. The affair's over already, you can still salvage your marriage. You did a good thing. Good man.

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... and shit.

ShaniFaye

Its gonna be a bitch when she hears it from someone else....and dont assume that wont ever happen

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Cimarron29414

I didn't read the first thread, so I am going off you post above:

1) If you continue to speak with this other person, you will eventually have sex again. This is a fact. Do not fool yourself any more than you already have.

2) Staying in a loveless marriage can hurt children just as much as a divorce. You need to commit to your marriage and fix it NO MATTER WHAT, or you need to leave and allow your wife and yourself to find the happiness and security that each of us deserve. If you think your children won't notice, you are sadly mistaken.

absorbentishe

If she has no sex drive, then she should see a doctor! For a time, my wife lost her drive, but would still do the deed for me. Her doctor perscribed a steriod cream, and when she pu that on, I couldn't keep her off me. So there might be a medical reason why she's not, something to look into. And yes, that was best to break off the extra marrital affair. If you are headed for a divorce, that would be different, but you're trying to work it out. Good luck.

Lockjaw

Don't tell her. She MIGHT find out. She might not. But don't shit on her life because you want to ease your mind. Keep quiet. As long as you don't go back to the well then you shouldn't tell her because you never know things might work out. But if you tell her you cheated out of the blue it's gonna get ugly.

:::OshnSoul:::

PLEASE, DANBILES- READ MY POST WITH UTMOST CONIDERATION!!!!

Ok, first off, I have a BIG confession to make. It's not an easy one, since a lot of you know Moon and I- but recently I did have an affair. I am not proud of it by any means, and I wish I could take it all back- but I can't.
Moon unfortunately found out by something other than me telling him. That is even worse than actually being upfront and honest about the mistake. I could have lost everything. But Moon chose to work things out with me- as I wanted to as well. We are going to marriage counseling now, which I am very thankful for.
Listen- put yourself in her position: Would you rather find out about your SO's affair by them confessing themselves and being honest with what they did OR find out by other means of sources, through the grapevine, etc.?
Would you really be content not telling her? Even though you don't have sex or even talk anymore??? Maybe (and I know this may sound wierd) this is what is needed. For something to break the mold and maybe mend things. It will show you what really is important, and reveal what is to be. DON'T base staying together for the kids. Do it because you're in love and you couldn't imagine being with anyone else for the rest of your life. Do you really want a marriage like what you have now? Ideally? Or would you like to try to fix things- or at least know where you need to go with it. I know it is hard to figure out when you have kids, trust me. But you've GOT to focus on the situation at hand and how it WILL affect things for the worse down the road for you, her, and EVEN your children. Even if you keep things quiet, that subconcious in you will build and will seep into your everyday interactions with your family. Your children DO pick up on these things and it can affect them greatly, without even knowing it.
So don't brush it off, don't let it linger, think about what YOU want ideally, what about your WIFE would want, and know that keeping things from each other will be keeping things from your children as well. Value this relationship for all that it is worth. You both came into each others' lives for a reason- what is that reason? I am saying all of this because I have been in your position and I care.

*The NUMBER ONE cause of an affair? LACK OF COMMUNICATION. Seems to be a pattern. TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, WANTS, and NEEDS because those define the real YOU.

ShaniFaye

Im really glad to hear you two are working on things.....I've always thought of you two as a great couple...well as much as I could not actually knowing you....but I hope you know what I mean. Confessions are not easy no matter to whom you make them or in what way they are made.....you two can go back to square one and hopefully remember what made you great to start with.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

clavus

Look, if my wife had an affair, and she ended it, I wouldn't want to know. If I found out through some third party, I'd be upset. But I wouldn't be MORE upset. I admit, I'd probably throw out a line like, "...and you didn't even tell me! I had to find out about it from that guy in the van by the river!" But the bottom line is - it wouldn't REALLY make me feel worse.

You have guilt. You hope that by telling your wife, you will make youself feel better. Well, I have news for you. You won't. You will [I]hurt your wife. It may even feel good on some level to put her nose in the mess "she caused" by withholding intimacy from you.

But be honest with yourself. What the fuck good is going to come from telling your wife that you had an affair? is she going to thank your for your honesty?

Suck it down. Don't compound your mistake.

Oh, and stay away from the woman you were fucking. Don't talk to her. Don't try to be friends. You have already proven that you can't resist that temptation. Sure it will suck, but you need to keep this situation from getting worse. You have kids to think about.

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

ratbastid

I can't add much to other people's advice, except to say: You know that you CAN post follow-ups to your own thread rather than creating a new thread, right?

uptown

You are going to remain in a totally sexless marriage for the sake of your kids?I'm here to tell you that unless those kids are fairly close to being college bound that it isn't going to work out.

The expectation that you're to go totally without sex till your wife dies and you're a free man again is totally unfair and not realistic.

Your wife needs to see her medical doctor and/or psychiatrist to have underlying medical causes for this problem ruled out/treated.She could also use the help of a therapist to help her to see the harm she's doing to her marriage here.

CaneBay

The affair is because the partners are not talking; they have lost touch with each other. The "stepping out partner" is looking for someone to talk with, and the sex is secondary. Or the SOP is angry, and wants to get back at the other. Use sex as a club to the back of the head.

I believe that affairs are totally, completely corrupt and hurtful to all involved.

The "other woman," if she stays with the SOP, gets a man that cheats on his wife. That's basically all that she has to look forward to. The new relationship is born out of corruption and dishonesty. And he gets a woman who sleeps with men who cheat on their wives. What could be more fucked up than that? Love has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with the motivations for those two people to get together with one lying to his/her spouse.

If the marriage is an "open one," then whatever. It's all open and available. But most marriages are not.

The new woman is merely a tool to be used to get out of the marriage, or at least for him to savage his wife in the most personal way. Why the hell would the new woman expect to be treated any better when the relationship has a problem later, as all do?

The measure of a relationship, over time, is how they solve the inevitable problems that come to all of us. When they hit, going out and having an affair is savage, violent, in the most emotional way. It is pure loneliness and anger, walking on the planet.

I know.

So, when the relationship hits bottom, and someone has an affair, I think that the only hope, and I mean only, is to cut off the contact with the outsider, go to a strong joint counselor, commit 200% to 6 - 12 month process. Commit to telling the truth to each other. Ask for forgiveness, and give it freely.

And I suggest that they take a copy of their wedding vows to counseling, and have the counselor walk them through the vows, and talk about each point in them and how it's still, or not, relevant and important.

I have been to several couple counselors over the years and have never had a counselor ask us to bring the vows in.

Hey, I am a California attorney of some years of experience in private practice. We deal with deals, contracts, duties.

The vows are the contract, more special than any other. The affair is a violation, a breach; Only confession, freely and honestly given, and forgiveness, can bring those people back together again into a happy, committed relationship. They have to trust one another again, and to trust that they as a couple have a process to resolve their differences and make their love and bond stronger.

As is probably obvious, the above comments are from my heart and experience. I wish someone had been able to teach me some experience without my having to go through what were the worst 3 years of my life.

Mike

CaneBay

Read the comments by Clavis about him ending the affair and hiding it from his wife to save her feelings.

I agree: end the affair, immediately. But I recommend asking his wife to go to couples counseling with a strong counselor, and after a few sessions, breaking the news to her in a safe environment and dig down, commit to the marriage and working on the reasons why he had the affair to begin with.

Hey, the relationship was in serious trouble BEFORE he had the affair. Go after the root causes. You cannot kill johnson grass by mowing it: kill the roots, and plant new grass.

imkeen

Here's something I think needs to be said after the good advice above. Give it 200%, give her your heart again, find the spark between you two and if you can both say we HONESTLY put EVERYTHING into it and it still isn't working, end it. You, your wife and your kids will all be happier. It will certainly complicate life, sure, that's inevitable, but your kids will benefit from two happy people than two unhappy people. Kids these days need to find ways to look up to, and find happiness in their parents. And parents need to remember to be happy for their kids, what ever it takes. I if I ended up in a situation where I had to choose between my kids and my wife, it would be my kids every time.

ShaniFaye

Im curious....for all you people who say not to tell her...whats he supposed to do, say they go to counseling and it comes UP? If she asks him if he's had an affair are you advocating the continuation of the lie?

Nothing good comes out of hiding anything.....people find things out...and as a female I'd MUCH rather my guy was honest rather than to have an out of the blue phone call etc telling me what happened.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

iceburn

That's a tricky point Shani. I'm not saying he should deceive her. If she has some kind of sixth sense about it, which I've had before and called a partner out on, if he lies to her at that point, it could make things worse. I confronted said ex of mine with my intuitive allegation and she denied. Later, I received proof in the form of testimony, and she still denied, although I never told her I had the proof. I hated her for it, but I was so totally in love with her that I got all gobbledy gook. If danbiles loves her, and can convince her of that, that can be more important to her than the affair, or the lying about the affair. In that sense, there would never be true understanding between them if he lied to her about his past. If she had proof of the lie, that would compound the sin of the affair. Tough call Shani. Still, an instance of plausible deniability through a tactful deflection would pretty much salvage the whole fuckin marriage, so I'd say the greater good should be the main focus.

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... and shit.

clavus

Maybe this is a male/female difference thing. But I say keep it quiet. He wasn't asking if he should lie to her about it. He asked if he should just tell her.

If "something" comes up? Like what? A direct question? Answer it truthfully. If "something" is a question like "What do you feel guilty about?" Don't blurt out that you were fucking somebody else.

Just my two cents. I haven't been in those shoes.

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Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

ShaniFaye

well umm...I didnt say if "something" comes up....I said if IT comes up and she asks him if he had an affair.

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Lockjaw

I don't think people are saying lie to her or speak a half truth but if it DOESN'T come up there isn't a real good reason to tell her. He's already violated the trust and if he's stopped he's stopped.

Let's say hypothetically that she and he get through this it isn't brought up she doesn't find out and their relationship goes good and they get on with their lives which is very much possible.
Now let's say he sits her down...tells her out of the blue...she's going to get pissed. It's going to push a relationship on the edge all the way over and things will be over and done with over something stupid he did true enough but it was something he knew was wrong and stopped.
His being forthright and honest would have just cost him his marriage and for what really?

If it comes up in an everything on the table counciling session I can't say he shouldn't tell her. But come out right now and say..."Honey...I cheated on you and I'm sorry please forgive me." Not smart at all.

ShaniFaye

and then lets say the woman he cheated on her with suddenly gets vindictive and makes a phone call to her......

or lets say the woman he cheated on her with didnt keep her mouth shut with her friends and one of them decides that she should know....

or lets say that somehow he leaves the computer where she can see this board and know what he's told thousands of strangers but yet couldnt seem to tell the woman that he vowed to hold above all others...


lots of hypothetical things could happen....thats all Im saying

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

iceburn

Yeah, you're right Shani, but to tell you the truth, I'm only saying all that because I heard it on Joy Brown's Radio show one time.

This is my 26th post, everyone!

Yay!

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... and shit.

CaneBay

I think she needs to be told, by her husband, but only in the counseling mode.

Or he can arrange for the counseling, maybe go himself, get advice as to how to approach his wife, and then follow it.

But she needs to be told, as soon as possible.

adam

Secrets are bad; they eventually fester, and damage both of you. I'll vote for honesty every time.

maleficent

Ommission is still a lie.

If I were married, and in counseling with my husband, I'd want to know, yes, it might hurt a helluva a lot, I am not sure what I'd do, or how I'd react, but I'd deserve nothing less than the truth.

If I were the man, I'd feel obligated to tell my wife, not so much to appease my sense of guilt or whatever, but because she deserves nothing less than total honesty from me. Imagine what he'd go thru, to have to hide this secret from her, what happens if it comes out? I'd much rather be the one doing the telling, and giving her my side, than to have a stranger or someone wiht less than honorable intentions telling her.

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:::OshnSoul:::

Ok, seriously- I am fed up hearing that he should keep quiet about it. TAKE IT FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN IN YOUR POSITION. Please!! Who else here has been in this situation? Trust me, I regret with all my heart cheating on him AND not telling him. Lying and hiding it only made things WORSE.

Lockjaw

So at this moment when their relationship obviously isn't at it's strongest he should risk blowing it all up? Sorry I don't see it.
I would like to know how he feels his wife would react to this. Does he think she wouldn't be surprised...does he think she would be able to get over it and forgive him...does he think she would flip out and his marriage would end.
If omiting this will keep his marriage alive at least for now so he can possibly tell her later then I think he should keep his mouth shut. But if they are going to lay it all out then yeah I guess so but if this is just a "Honey I know things have been rough around here so I cheated on you." I think we will be seeing a "Well getting divorced." thread in a not too distanct future.
Oh well guess this should be a lesson to people not to cheat...see the kind of situations you get yourself into as a result. Damned if you do damned if you don't.

Jizz-Fritter

Things done in the dark will eventually come to light.

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"Principle is okay up to a certain point, but principle doesn't do any good if you lose." Dick Cheney

CaneBay

Right on, Jizz-Fritter. Nothing can remain private from a spouse or long time partner. The light always comes on, eventually.

If you have to keep it private, you are basically out of the relationship, or at least the best intimate part of it?

Actually, that would make the start of a great thread: how much privacy should we all have from our spouses? What don't we tell them? Conduct? Thoughts? Feelings? You know, those views of ours that we keep really really private.

The affair is just one aspect of privacy, and trust.

Mike