klep

hello,

i dont know if this sort of thing is allowed but i'd quite like to just type about all the crap ive had the past month or so.


so a month ago my grandma died. my other grandma on my mother's side died when i was like 5 so i never knew her (she died in a fire when she dropped a lit cigarette when she fell alseep in bed smoking it) making this the first proper family death to have affected me. the grandma on my dad's side who died a month ago had breast cancer about 9 years or so ago. she got rid of it but never got better really. i dont understand why. she never stopped being depressed and was always on varius drug combinations. She went from being very youthful for her age to very old and frail. a month ago my parents got a call saying she had collapsed and to go to the hospital. they thought it was just one of her panic attacks but still, they left promptly. mum came home about an hour and a half later crying. i asked what was wrong and she said that my grandma had had a stroke and died. i sat with mum for 5 mins then went in my own room and cried for 15 minutes. then i slept 2 hours and i felt better.

fast forward to the evning of that same day. i talk to my girlfriend about it. she is very supportive but is obviously upset. it seems odd she'd be upset about a woman that she has never met so i ask what's wrong. she tells me that she doesnt think we're going to work out when we go to uni (in 2 weeks time) and that she thinks it may be better if we break up. we've been going out for 3 years 4 months so it's a big deal.




over the next 2 weeks my girlfriend continues to have doubts about us working out at uni. i'm seriously thinking we're going to end (there's a post i made about this in the sexuality forum). i'm seriously bummed about it but totally hoping we will work out. we decide to give it a go. a good month or so at uni to see if it will work out.

mean while in these 2 weeks i had my grandma's funeral. never been to one before and it wasnt pleasant. good thing was i got to see cousins who i get on very well with but dont see often.

so summary of the 2 weeks leading up to uni:
grandma dies
girlfriend shows first reservations about not wanting to be with me when we go to uni
attend grandma's funeral (not all bad but still depressing)
girlfriend shows even bigger doubts about working out at uni.



so now i actually go to uni. i got in to the one i wanted (kent in Canterbury) and did it with good grades (ABB at A-level) so im happy im going to the right place. all my guyfriends came out with me to town for a last time in quite a while before i went so that was cool. we all got merry and went our seperate ways. i'll miss them all but leaving friends behind is something everyone has to go through so i guess i cant whine about this too much but still, it's not cool leaving them all behind.

4 days in to my first week at uni my girlfriend phones and compltely ends it with me. ilove that girl and to be told she doesnt want to be with me anymore is the most depressing thing in the world. i spend 40 mins cryin to my sister about it. i'm 5 hours from home and havent made any decent friends. my friends back home are busy and not on the net to talk to. i feel very alone. i feel far worse than when my grandma died than when my girlfriend left me (i dont knwo if that is wrong or not really). atleast when my grandma died i thought it was best for her and everyone else but when my girlfriend dumped me i just think its the worst decision ever made. it feels so wrong.


the past week i've not beem in contact with exgirlfriend. her phone broke and she didnt have the net so coudlnt contact me. ive been trying to move on. today she finally got in contact via msn and all my feelings i had the night she broke up came flooding back and i said alot of nasty shit that i wish i didnt.



to conclude
in the past month my grandma has died and ive been to her funeral
ive left all my friends behind and gone to a uni far from home
my girlfriend broke up with me after going to uni so i had very few people for support
have had a subsequent fight with girlfriend and am finding it very hard to get over her



now what i guess im asking is whether im being a pussy about this. i know everyone loses people close to them when they pass away, i know everyone has harsh break ups and i know everyone loses friends when they go to uni so am i crying about all this for no good reason? i'm just so down at the moment because it's all happened in such a short time frame i think and unfortunately this is the time when i need to be very happy and outgoing to make new friends but it's so damn hard. im sure if all this went on when i was at home id be fine as i had friends for support butnow im here i cant talk to people abotu this stuff.


anyway, reply telling me i need to quit whining or whatever, or dont reply. i dont really knwo what i expect in reply to my post but it was kind of therapeutic typing it.

cheers