Rlyss

First of all, I think this belongs in Living rather than Sexuality, since it's about much more than my partner. I apologize for the length of this post, but I'm getting very, very worried about some things. I'd really appreciate some help if people can be bothered reading the whole thing. I put it in paragraphs, hopefully that helps!

I realized yesterday that I'm a total loser. I'm almost 21, I live at home, I'm unemployed. I am in my final semester of getting a Bachelor of Arts degree but I'm having serious doubts about my ability to pass this final, crucial semester. I lost the few friends I had at university years ago through a breakup with my then-girlfriend, and I'm ashamed to admit that I haven't made any effort at all since then to get to know anybody at my university.

I have no friends anymore, I'm not exaggerating. Many months ago my girlfriend and I were having problems, she thought that I was spending too much time with my friends and ignoring her. Her friends were also my friends and I hated the gossip and the sidings, and the fact that if we had a fight, my friends were forced to choose between comforting her or me. I ended up pretty much ignoring my friends, didn't contact them, haven't been on MSN Messenger for a few months because I thought that hanging out with them caused too many problems between my girlfriend and I. Big mistake there, I know. It means that every single friend I've made in the last six years is now gone, and I'm not part of that anymore.

My girlfriend's been hanging out with those friends a lot more and doesn't tell me about it, I find out in round-about ways, like she is vague about what she did last night, if I call her and she's out she won't be able to talk, etc. I've been studying my ass off because I really want to graduate, so it means I've had to see her less than usual. She says that I spend too much time studying, and that I'm secretive, and that I never have time for her. She just called me to say that she doesn't want this anymore, that maybe once I graduate, if I have time for her, I can give her a call, but for now she doesn't want somebody like me, who is too "independent." I don't know whether my girlfriend should have stuck by me in the most stressful and scary time of my life, or if I pushed her away and unloaded all my stress onto her. I'm not looking for blame, but for some sort of understanding. I've been calling her all day and she ignores her phone, the one time she did pick up she told me what I said above, that she didn't want this anymore, she wanted someone who has time for her, and that she didn't want to talk about. I know the value of communication, but obviously it's too late, she refuses to listen to me.

I'm two months away from being a university graduate with a useless degree, no job, no girlfriend and no friends.

I feel like there are only a couple of things I can control:
- Stop smoking, stop drinking. I know I can do this easily, I'm not addicted. (But please nobody tell me it'll be harder than I think, because I know that I'm not addicted, I get no cravings, etc.)
- Applying for lots of jobs. I know there isn't much else I can do except for apply everywhere, take initiative, make contacts, etc.

Basically... what the fuck do I do now? I'm really, really freaking out about this. I've never been in this situation where I have NO plan. Every other year of my life I've known what's around the corner - 10th grade, senior year, starting university, etc. But now, the minute I graduate I'm fucking stranded, I've got nobody, I haven't received an e-mail or a phone call from friends in months because of my own stupid actions. I don't want to make friends with them again because they're all her friends, and the whole year and a half since she's been my girlfriend my insecurities have affected everything, and I've been worried that they're better friends with her than with me.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? Crawl back to all my old friends again which I (am incredibly ashamed to admit) I ditched? Do I say 'Fuck them all, they can have her' and create a new life? How the fuck does a twenty one year old guy make friends? Do I crawl and beg and plead for her to take me back? I told her time and time again that I hate that I put all my stress from uni and the future on her. I believe that she's been a rock for me, that I need her to help me get through this shitty time, but she (rightfully so?) believes that she's just been a punching bag.

I'm really freaking out about this. I'm struggling not to make it a self-fulfilling prophesy, that I'll end up with absolutely nothing. When I look to the future, even the next few weeks or months, I can't even comprehend it, it's just a huge, black empty nothing. I know I'm the only one who controls my future, that the 'nothingness' will fill up on its own. I know if I want a future then I should make it myself, but this is all getting way over my head.