wilbjammin

Faith in myself... knowing that everything going on around me can be in utter disarray or is completely absurd can't crush my will - I won't let it. If you feel like you need something that you don't have, you'll always be at a loss. When you realize that you don't need God, or anything, and that when you die that everything keeps going on without you makes you feel small, but, at the same time, it puts things in perspective. Living in spite of not knowing is the height of absurdity... but just think if you knew for sure. Would you want to know why you existed? Would that actually give you meaning?

It is just as absurd to know why you exist as to not know why. And because of this, we can certainly live with passion in rebellion to our paradoxical existence. We are built to live, and I have yet to find a single reason to give up on living even in this world of absurdity.

Now, to address your situation more directly, it sounds like you need something of your own to hold onto. If you don't feel like you have much of a say or a strong hold on your own life, you will be searching for things outside of you. None of those things can make up for that sense of ownership and responsibility for one's own existence.

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Innominate.