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My expectations are, as always, extremely low. I operate under the simple theory that if I expect the worst, things will go easier. If the worst does happen, I'm prepared for it. If it doesn't? More the reason to celebrate. Rather a half-assed or just plain sad way to go through life, I know, but it's saved me a lot of pain over the years. Kept me from a lot of joy too I suppose. Water under the bridge friends, water under the bridge.
I know this experiance will probably be the most painful thing I've ever had to go through, even if it works out. I am reminded of two seprate song lyrics that I heard on my way home today that sum things up pretty well. The first by Bon Jovi - "You can't win, until you're not afraid to lose" is dead on except for the part where I'm scared to death. Oh well, brave face to the front and all that. The second is Allison Krauss - "To you the next best thing to playing and winning is playing and losing" says it all. Even if she rips my heart out and throws me into the grips of massive depression...I'll always have the time we spent together, and I'll always have her in my memory. Bad or good. Win or lose. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me. Not even becoming the worst thing that ever happened to me could change that.
Love, they say, fades. Passion dwindles and the shine wears off of everything eventually. I disagree with those that would group those two things together. Passion may fade, but it doesn't take love with it. If you find that love left on the same bus as lust, then love was never really there. Love isn't found in a romance novel or a soap opera. Love isn't confined to the bedroom. True love doesn't walk out when all the other emotions have left the party. No, love stays and helps clean up. It holds your hair back over the toilet the next morning. It lives with you in silence and in rage. It stays by your side through the good times and the bad. Why am I saying all this? To try to put into words how I feel, and why I can't walk away. Here goes.
I know I love this girl. I knew it when I didn't have sex with her. That may sound stupid, but I never claimed to be smart, eh? Here's the deal. I wanted to spend time around her. It's as simple as that. Merely being in her presence makes me happy. I fucking well helped her fold clothes as she packed. I sat on the couch with her while she played the Sims. I went with her to wash her truck. I had ZERO chance of sex with her seeing as she had just started her period, and neither of us is down with that (once was enough, another story for a different time). I was ok with that. I skipped two parties where I know for a fact that I could've gotten laid. I skipped them to help her wash her truck. Now as I type this I'm realizing it sounds kind of stupid, but for me...Well, I guess you'd have to know me to realize how big a deal that is. Beside the point, moving on. What I'm getting at is this. I knew she was leaving. I knew I wouldn't get anything physical out of it. I knew if I pursued a relationship it would be extremely hard and probably painful. I know all of this and I still have to try. Why? I've already said it. I HAVE to. My heart is leaving me no choice in the matter.
Meh. I'm not very good with words, but I think that helps paint some more of the picture.
As always, thank you for your advice, and most of all your honesty.
Oh yeah. The 3 1/2 years thing isn't time spent in Iraq, that's service time left. Sorry, wasn't clear on that.
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It begins and ends with this...You simply can't care what the answer will be.
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