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Talon Valdez · 08-05-2004, 08:00 PM

So I'm new here, lurked a bit but this'll be the first real post. Figured I'd wait until I had something worthwhile before wasting space with it. Oh well, close your eyes and jump right?

Advanced warning - I type like I talk, so this will be laced with profanity. We're all 18+ here, but some people dislike that, I apolgize in advance if so. Onward and upward.

So I'm 21, 22 at the end of the month. I've cruised through life with a fair amount of ease. Had my troubles, but hell, who hasn't? Decent job. Good hair. Good friends. Fair to middling sex life. Yippe kiyi aay and all that happy horseshit.

The thing is, I'm a heartless bastard. I just really and truly don't care about people. Sure to an extent, and there are exceptions. But mainly I just couldn't care less. Everything's fair game if I don't know you, and sometimes even if I do. Girlfriend get run over by a bus? I will indeed joke about it in front of you. You like me and think we should go out? Yeah sure kid, now get out of my apartment so I can go to work. Don't call me, I'll call you. Thus it has been for a long time. I was ok with that. I'd accepted that. Acceptance was a big part of my life.

Acceptance...That I'd die alone and largely unloved. That I'd go through life not feeling love for anything or anyone. That'd I'd never be, well, normal, I guess. I was A-O-FUCKING-K with that. Hell, I LIKED it. Emotional invulnerability is great. Family dies? Meh, another day another dollar. Girlfriend of two years cheats on you and leaves? No big deal, I was ready to end it a long time ago, just was easier to wait. God, I was an asshole. If you haven't guessed by all the past tense usage, things changed.

Shelly.

One word. One person. Eleven days. That's all it took to bring my safe secure little emotionless ice fort crashing to the ground.

Shelly is a friend of my best friend. They went through EMT school together. She used to have a thing for him, he didn't reciprocate so she moved on, but they still hung out occasionally. Hence when we were running out for a bite to eat after an arduous afternoon of system link Halo, it wasn't a big surprise when she called him up to say she was in town and wanted to hang out. No biggy, you can meet us at the resteraunt. Standard stuff. I get to finally meet this Shelly character that I've occasionally heard stories about. Whoopee.

Whoopee indeed. Dinner was standard issue for me. Joke around, mild flirting (Or the guy equivalent of the word flirting, whatever. Moving on.) So on and so forth. We go back to her Dad's place afterwards, since she's just in town for a little under two weeks and is just crashing there. More standard tomfoolery commenced. Jokes, "get to know new people" conversation about music, movies, work etc. etc. The night comes to a close because I have to play my part of the perpetual DD and drive Nick home, seeing as he's a wimp and can't hold alchohol. Goodbyes are said in the driveway. I'm still running in "I will never see this girl again" mode, and offer up a hug which lasts for long enough to upgrade to "I might see this girl again, once" mode. This is confirmed and upgraded again when the kissing starts and I am informed that I "should really come up and see her again". Yippee. Horny women are not on my hate list. I am now happy, but feel somewhat odd...Nerves I tell myself. I'm running on forty some odd hours of no sleep and a long day at work. Just nerves.

HAH!

Smooth sauve me takes her to the movies and leaves with the same "nerves" minus a plausible weariness related explanation for it.

Hah Hah Hah

Date three. Sex is now a definite. Except that doesn't happen. Instead I'm up until three AM talking to her. Telling her shit I haven't told anyone before. Partially because nobody's ever cared to ask, or I haven't cared to give an honest answer. Finding out all sorts of things about her, her past, her dreams...Shit I would normally tune out and commence daydreaming about Neve Campbell if I heard it from anyone else. Our little two person party breaks up due to fatigue and I drive away with a kernel of knowledge wedged securely in my head. Knowledge of the fact that I am now, well and truly, FUCKED.

Dates 4-6 I am now scared shitless of something for the first time in my life. It's shorter than me, has brown hair that looks great down, and has a face that is amazingly lit up by a rare genuine smile. I am now officially fucking terrified of this woman. She represents a complete reversal of everything I believed, expected and depended on. My armor doesn't so much have a hole in it, or hell, it could, I wouldn't know because I don't know where it is exactly. I am now prepared to live the life that I have dreaded, mocked and hated. Wife, kids, dog, house. It's all there. It's there and it mocks me like I once mocked it. I am fucked, because if there is any justice in the universe, I will marry this woman.

Justice? A call for Justice? FUCK YOU AND YOUR REQUEST FOR JUSTICE!

So she's a combat medic assigned to the 101st. She shipped out to Ft. Campbell monday, and will be going to Iraq for 18 months starting in November...As a combat medic...Who have something like a 90% casualty rate if they're frontline. Pull out a medpac or a stretcher and you now have your very own bullseye. GOOD FUCKING GAME LIFE! Good fucking game. I fall completely, hoplessly in love and now that love has to go through the minor test of three and a half years of long distance relationship bullshit, and what else? Oh yeah the ever looming threat of violent death.

SON OF A BITCH

That's it, I'm done. Twenty-something angst over. It feels good to get that out. In any event...Relationship advice, long distance or otherwise, would be happily accepted, for I this is all so sadly new for me. Otherwise, hope I didn't bore you too close to death.

08-05-2004, 08:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
Talon Valdez Upright Location: Georgia	Maybe venting will help. So I'm new here, lurked a bit but this'll be the first real post. Figured I'd wait until I had something worthwhile before wasting space with it. Oh well, close your eyes and jump right? Advanced warning - I type like I talk, so this will be laced with profanity. We're all 18+ here, but some people dislike that, I apolgize in advance if so. Onward and upward. So I'm 21, 22 at the end of the month. I've cruised through life with a fair amount of ease. Had my troubles, but hell, who hasn't? Decent job. Good hair. Good friends. Fair to middling sex life. Yippe kiyi aay and all that happy horseshit. The thing is, I'm a heartless bastard. I just really and truly don't care about people. Sure to an extent, and there are exceptions. But mainly I just couldn't care less. Everything's fair game if I don't know you, and sometimes even if I do. Girlfriend get run over by a bus? I will indeed joke about it in front of you. You like me and think we should go out? Yeah sure kid, now get out of my apartment so I can go to work. Don't call me, I'll call you. Thus it has been for a long time. I was ok with that. I'd accepted that. Acceptance was a big part of my life. Acceptance...That I'd die alone and largely unloved. That I'd go through life not feeling love for anything or anyone. That'd I'd never be, well, normal, I guess. I was A-O-FUCKING-K with that. Hell, I LIKED it. Emotional invulnerability is great. Family dies? Meh, another day another dollar. Girlfriend of two years cheats on you and leaves? No big deal, I was ready to end it a long time ago, just was easier to wait. God, I was an asshole. If you haven't guessed by all the past tense usage, things changed. Shelly. One word. One person. Eleven days. That's all it took to bring my safe secure little emotionless ice fort crashing to the ground. Shelly is a friend of my best friend. They went through EMT school together. She used to have a thing for him, he didn't reciprocate so she moved on, but they still hung out occasionally. Hence when we were running out for a bite to eat after an arduous afternoon of system link Halo, it wasn't a big surprise when she called him up to say she was in town and wanted to hang out. No biggy, you can meet us at the resteraunt. Standard stuff. I get to finally meet this Shelly character that I've occasionally heard stories about. Whoopee. Whoopee indeed. Dinner was standard issue for me. Joke around, mild flirting (Or the guy equivalent of the word flirting, whatever. Moving on.) So on and so forth. We go back to her Dad's place afterwards, since she's just in town for a little under two weeks and is just crashing there. More standard tomfoolery commenced. Jokes, "get to know new people" conversation about music, movies, work etc. etc. The night comes to a close because I have to play my part of the perpetual DD and drive Nick home, seeing as he's a wimp and can't hold alchohol. Goodbyes are said in the driveway. I'm still running in "I will never see this girl again" mode, and offer up a hug which lasts for long enough to upgrade to "I might see this girl again, once" mode. This is confirmed and upgraded again when the kissing starts and I am informed that I "should really come up and see her again". Yippee. Horny women are not on my hate list. I am now happy, but feel somewhat odd...Nerves I tell myself. I'm running on forty some odd hours of no sleep and a long day at work. Just nerves. HAH! Smooth sauve me takes her to the movies and leaves with the same "nerves" minus a plausible weariness related explanation for it. Hah Hah Hah Date three. Sex is now a definite. Except that doesn't happen. Instead I'm up until three AM talking to her. Telling her shit I haven't told anyone before. Partially because nobody's ever cared to ask, or I haven't cared to give an honest answer. Finding out all sorts of things about her, her past, her dreams...Shit I would normally tune out and commence daydreaming about Neve Campbell if I heard it from anyone else. Our little two person party breaks up due to fatigue and I drive away with a kernel of knowledge wedged securely in my head. Knowledge of the fact that I am now, well and truly, FUCKED. Dates 4-6 I am now scared shitless of something for the first time in my life. It's shorter than me, has brown hair that looks great down, and has a face that is amazingly lit up by a rare genuine smile. I am now officially fucking terrified of this woman. She represents a complete reversal of everything I believed, expected and depended on. My armor doesn't so much have a hole in it, or hell, it could, I wouldn't know because I don't know where it is exactly. I am now prepared to live the life that I have dreaded, mocked and hated. Wife, kids, dog, house. It's all there. It's there and it mocks me like I once mocked it. I am fucked, because if there is any justice in the universe, I will marry this woman. Justice? A call for Justice? FUCK YOU AND YOUR REQUEST FOR JUSTICE! So she's a combat medic assigned to the 101st. She shipped out to Ft. Campbell monday, and will be going to Iraq for 18 months starting in November...As a combat medic...Who have something like a 90% casualty rate if they're frontline. Pull out a medpac or a stretcher and you now have your very own bullseye. GOOD FUCKING GAME LIFE! Good fucking game. I fall completely, hoplessly in love and now that love has to go through the minor test of three and a half years of long distance relationship bullshit, and what else? Oh yeah the ever looming threat of violent death. SON OF A BITCH That's it, I'm done. Twenty-something angst over. It feels good to get that out. In any event...Relationship advice, long distance or otherwise, would be happily accepted, for I this is all so sadly new for me. Otherwise, hope I didn't bore you too close to death. __________________ It begins and ends with this...You simply can't care what the answer will be.