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lurkette · 08-02-2004, 06:54 AM

To borrow a tired concept from the self-help genre, recognizing that you have a problem is the first step.

Actually, I'm gonna change my mind mid-post after having re-read your initial statement.

I think you need to recognize that you DON'T have a problem. Every one of us could look at him- or herself and see the root of all evil. I, for instance, am thoroughly self-centered, lazy, jealous and manipulative. I am also human, and these traits are kind of hard-wired into humans. Left to our own devices (i.e., without the intervention of our "higher selves," the super-ego, if you like, or the part of us that knows better) we're all like that.

So step one is actually just realizing that you're no different than the other 7 billion people on the planet, except that you have just had a very valuable insight into your own character. Beating up on yourself for being normal is not going to be productive in terms of creating changes in behavior.

What's been useful for me is looking at my values, and then looking at where my actions don't match up with those values. It's a lot easier to change actions than it is to change impulses. I still am, at heart, self-centered, lazy, blah blah blah, but the difference is I can see those impulses and choose not to honor them. I can act in a different way. One really small example is that I'm committed to enviromentalism. So I traded in my car for something that got better gas mileage, I'm investigating biodiesel conversion, and I started taking canvas bags to the grocery store. Little things, but every time I walk out of the store with a canvas bag on my shoulder, I feel like I am ME, and not my lazy self who would have forgotten the canvas bags and then felt guilty for walking out with plastic ones.

So take a look at your values. How do you WANT to be? Where are you not being that? Then make a conscious effort to take actions that are consistent with your values. Like maleficent said, it's going to take time, and you'll find that you backslide. Don't beat yourself up for that, either: just notice where you've lapsed, and get back on the horse, so to speak.

I think it's great that you've seen this about yourself. But don't let the self-loathing be an excuse to do nothing.

08-02-2004, 06:54 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	To borrow a tired concept from the self-help genre, recognizing that you have a problem is the first step. Actually, I'm gonna change my mind mid-post after having re-read your initial statement. I think you need to recognize that you DON'T have a problem. Every one of us could look at him- or herself and see the root of all evil. I, for instance, am thoroughly self-centered, lazy, jealous and manipulative. I am also human, and these traits are kind of hard-wired into humans. Left to our own devices (i.e., without the intervention of our "higher selves," the super-ego, if you like, or the part of us that knows better) we're all like that. So step one is actually just realizing that you're no different than the other 7 billion people on the planet, except that you have just had a very valuable insight into your own character. Beating up on yourself for being normal is not going to be productive in terms of creating changes in behavior. What's been useful for me is looking at my values, and then looking at where my actions don't match up with those values. It's a lot easier to change actions than it is to change impulses. I still am, at heart, self-centered, lazy, blah blah blah, but the difference is I can see those impulses and choose not to honor them. I can act in a different way. One really small example is that I'm committed to enviromentalism. So I traded in my car for something that got better gas mileage, I'm investigating biodiesel conversion, and I started taking canvas bags to the grocery store. Little things, but every time I walk out of the store with a canvas bag on my shoulder, I feel like I am ME, and not my lazy self who would have forgotten the canvas bags and then felt guilty for walking out with plastic ones. So take a look at your values. How do you WANT to be? Where are you not being that? Then make a conscious effort to take actions that are consistent with your values. Like maleficent said, it's going to take time, and you'll find that you backslide. Don't beat yourself up for that, either: just notice where you've lapsed, and get back on the horse, so to speak. I think it's great that you've seen this about yourself. But don't let the self-loathing be an excuse to do nothing. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France