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Sappen123 · 05-07-2003, 12:50 PM

Funny, I just had a related conversation with a long time friend of mine last night (after many martinis at fine little bar).

We were talking about the "special status" of sex (I know that's not what you're talking about, but trust me this is related). Anyway, the conversation went along that the jealousy problems of sex are really about bonding. Sex happens to (often) be an intense experience that creates a bonding experience of which another partner can be jealous. However, that other partner would likely be just as jealous if you went on an exotic adventure vacation for a month with another friend, even if they knew for a fact that there was no physical contact.

There are a bunch of subtleties and caveats (this was a looong conversation), but I won't go too far down this tangent. Anyway, eventually we extended down the other axis. Jealousy over a bonding experience with a third party is not only restricted to a "Partner". Your friends are all just varying degrees of "Partner" with the same base emotional bond issues and should be recognized and dealt with as such, and given validity (don't repress emotion, just understand it).

I brought this up, becuase it is easy to feel defensive about being "jealous" of another friend because it feels so juvenile, as you indicated in your description. However, it is important to not trivialize the emotion, as it is very primal and very powerful. Bond issues can lead to murder and domestic violence in extreme cases, so don't underestimate or ignore that feeling in yourself or others. The juvenility (is that a word? ;-) is in denying the feeling and dealing with it poorly (as denial and/or misunderstanding so often causes poor reactions).

Your friends are dealing with it poorly and need to just recognize it and you likely need to be sensitive to their feelings by being aware of your actions in this context. The best approach (I think, but depends on your nature), would be to talk about jealousy as a theoretical subject as above, validating any such feelings, and then relating it to your current perception of what is happening creating a fairly neutral, non-accusatory dialogue.

This is exactly what I did with my friend mentioned above, and she admitted (without my prompting) that she was jealous of her very good (and mutual) friend spending so much time with me (since this other mutual friend had become my capital 'G' girlfriend). The conversation was very good then on for both of our relationships.

I tried to keep this as short as I could but these are some complicated social questions you're asking about that I have a lot of opinions about ;-). Sorry for the length... (left to my own devices, this message would be 30 pages long ;-).

05-07-2003, 12:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sappen123 Upright	Funny, I just had a related conversation with a long time friend of mine last night (after many martinis at fine little bar). We were talking about the "special status" of sex (I know that's not what you're talking about, but trust me this is related). Anyway, the conversation went along that the jealousy problems of sex are really about bonding. Sex happens to (often) be an intense experience that creates a bonding experience of which another partner can be jealous. However, that other partner would likely be just as jealous if you went on an exotic adventure vacation for a month with another friend, even if they knew for a fact that there was no physical contact. There are a bunch of subtleties and caveats (this was a looong conversation), but I won't go too far down this tangent. Anyway, eventually we extended down the other axis. Jealousy over a bonding experience with a third party is not only restricted to a "Partner". Your friends are all just varying degrees of "Partner" with the same base emotional bond issues and should be recognized and dealt with as such, and given validity (don't repress emotion, just understand it). I brought this up, becuase it is easy to feel defensive about being "jealous" of another friend because it feels so juvenile, as you indicated in your description. However, it is important to not trivialize the emotion, as it is very primal and very powerful. Bond issues can lead to murder and domestic violence in extreme cases, so don't underestimate or ignore that feeling in yourself or others. The juvenility (is that a word? ;-) is in denying the feeling and dealing with it poorly (as denial and/or misunderstanding so often causes poor reactions). Your friends are dealing with it poorly and need to just recognize it and you likely need to be sensitive to their feelings by being aware of your actions in this context. The best approach (I think, but depends on your nature), would be to talk about jealousy as a theoretical subject as above, validating any such feelings, and then relating it to your current perception of what is happening creating a fairly neutral, non-accusatory dialogue. This is exactly what I did with my friend mentioned above, and she admitted (without my prompting) that she was jealous of her very good (and mutual) friend spending so much time with me (since this other mutual friend had become my capital 'G' girlfriend). The conversation was very good then on for both of our relationships. I tried to keep this as short as I could but these are some complicated social questions you're asking about that I have a lot of opinions about ;-). Sorry for the length... (left to my own devices, this message would be 30 pages long ;-).