Jealous Friends? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

sierra2774 · 05-05-2003, 10:19 AM

I have two Friends that are both extremely Great Friends. They both would do anything for me and I would do the same for them.

The Problem? They are very jealous of each other and I am constantly battling to keep them happy.

If I go and do something with one Friend, the other gets mad and vice versa....I almost feel like not telling them sometimes, just to keep the peace. Now when we all do something together, they both are wonderful and couldn't be happier.

One Friend I have known for about a year, but we became very close in that year...I can tell her anything and know it will stay between us. The other, I have known about 12 years and feel the same way about.

But they are driving me crazy! Not to mention, I am 29 and they are both in their 30's! Sounds like High School stuff, doesn't it?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

bigoldalphamale · 05-05-2003, 12:43 PM

why is it that you all cant hang out together more often. is there seperation because of scheduling conflicts? if not, then all three of you just need to hang out more. and tell them to stop being such typical femmes.

sierra2774 · 05-05-2003, 01:02 PM

Well, the one, I see everyday because weboth take our Sons to school together...The other lives in a different town, not so far away, but we only get together once a week or so. But to be honest, I think they have become so jealous of each other, that there would be tension if we all hung out together.

We do go out to Karaoke once or twice a month together and have a great time.

I dont know, just is very frustrating to me lately and stressful....I am trying to please everyone, yet nobody bothers to try and please me.

bigoldalphamale · 05-05-2003, 01:09 PM

interesting. well, my newest philosophy is to be proactive on everything. take the initiative before you get taken. so tell them to knock thier shit off because you're tired of it.

sierra2774 · 05-05-2003, 03:30 PM

I know that is what I should do, I am just trying to find a tactful way to do it, because that is just how I am.

Sappen123 · 05-07-2003, 12:50 PM

Funny, I just had a related conversation with a long time friend of mine last night (after many martinis at fine little bar).

We were talking about the "special status" of sex (I know that's not what you're talking about, but trust me this is related). Anyway, the conversation went along that the jealousy problems of sex are really about bonding. Sex happens to (often) be an intense experience that creates a bonding experience of which another partner can be jealous. However, that other partner would likely be just as jealous if you went on an exotic adventure vacation for a month with another friend, even if they knew for a fact that there was no physical contact.

There are a bunch of subtleties and caveats (this was a looong conversation), but I won't go too far down this tangent. Anyway, eventually we extended down the other axis. Jealousy over a bonding experience with a third party is not only restricted to a "Partner". Your friends are all just varying degrees of "Partner" with the same base emotional bond issues and should be recognized and dealt with as such, and given validity (don't repress emotion, just understand it).

I brought this up, becuase it is easy to feel defensive about being "jealous" of another friend because it feels so juvenile, as you indicated in your description. However, it is important to not trivialize the emotion, as it is very primal and very powerful. Bond issues can lead to murder and domestic violence in extreme cases, so don't underestimate or ignore that feeling in yourself or others. The juvenility (is that a word? ;-) is in denying the feeling and dealing with it poorly (as denial and/or misunderstanding so often causes poor reactions).

Your friends are dealing with it poorly and need to just recognize it and you likely need to be sensitive to their feelings by being aware of your actions in this context. The best approach (I think, but depends on your nature), would be to talk about jealousy as a theoretical subject as above, validating any such feelings, and then relating it to your current perception of what is happening creating a fairly neutral, non-accusatory dialogue.

This is exactly what I did with my friend mentioned above, and she admitted (without my prompting) that she was jealous of her very good (and mutual) friend spending so much time with me (since this other mutual friend had become my capital 'G' girlfriend). The conversation was very good then on for both of our relationships.

I tried to keep this as short as I could but these are some complicated social questions you're asking about that I have a lot of opinions about ;-). Sorry for the length... (left to my own devices, this message would be 30 pages long ;-).

TrollInvestigtr · 05-07-2003, 01:01 PM

I think you should try to have a threesome.

analog · 05-12-2003, 10:24 PM

sounds like highschool bullshit. you sound like a smart person, get some more mature friends, for christ's sake!

Slims · 05-13-2003, 12:40 AM

Just ignore the jealousy. Hang out with each friend as you see fit regardless of the others whining and they will probably get used to it after a while.

sierra2774 · 06-01-2003, 08:36 AM

It is high school bullshit...the sad thing is, I am the youngest of the three and way more mature then them both.

I really don't understand the jealousy....They both have other Friends and I could care less when they are with them...It has gotten worse lately, that is why I am hoping to get some more advice to this thread.

One of them wants me to go away for a "girls" weekend and I have no desire to go, so I told her I couldn't go and she thinks it is because of the other Friend that I won't go...It is crazy!

I feel better venting about it....I just wish they would grow up because I am about to just be done with them both!

rogue49 · 06-01-2003, 09:00 AM

nah, cut to the chase.

Just get pissed off, and ask them straight out.
This is not fair to you, get it out in the open.
Show them how unreasonable they are being.
I hate the petty shit.

WhoaitsZ · 06-01-2003, 10:50 AM

siera: I've always lived by a friend code:

if you don't like my friends, fine, i'll be your friend anyhow. if you ask me to not be a friend with someone, I will fucking walk out and never speak to you again.

one thing you should do is tell both that you will not tolerate such childishness (which is reserved for other silly thins) and you want them to STFU.

maybe put them in the same room. with whips.....

take a camera?

sierra2774 · 06-01-2003, 06:57 PM

whoaitsz....

That is wonderful advise...If I decide to do the whip thing, I will take my camera.

cdwonderful · 06-02-2003, 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by TrollInvestigtr
I think you should try to have a threesome.

now this could be a solution...........

Shades · 06-02-2003, 09:38 AM

threesome++

Double D · 06-02-2003, 03:03 PM

They are jealous because they are both insecure. This is something that comes from within each of them. It has zip to do with you and it is not neccesarily due to immaturity, as some of us can feel insecure until our dying day.

The advice rendered here for you to have a frank, non-threatening discussion with each of them, is probably the best route if you want to stay friends. Telling them to grow the fuck up will do nothing but hurt their (insecure) feelings, tho' it would probably solve your problem, as they most likely would tell you to take a hike.

05-05-2003, 10:19 AM	#1 (permalink)
sierra2774 Addict Location: Northeast Ohio	Jealous Friends? I have two Friends that are both extremely Great Friends. They both would do anything for me and I would do the same for them. The Problem? They are very jealous of each other and I am constantly battling to keep them happy. If I go and do something with one Friend, the other gets mad and vice versa....I almost feel like not telling them sometimes, just to keep the peace. Now when we all do something together, they both are wonderful and couldn't be happier. One Friend I have known for about a year, but we became very close in that year...I can tell her anything and know it will stay between us. The other, I have known about 12 years and feel the same way about. But they are driving me crazy! Not to mention, I am 29 and they are both in their 30's! Sounds like High School stuff, doesn't it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

05-05-2003, 01:02 PM	#3 (permalink)
sierra2774 Addict Location: Northeast Ohio	Well, the one, I see everyday because weboth take our Sons to school together...The other lives in a different town, not so far away, but we only get together once a week or so. But to be honest, I think they have become so jealous of each other, that there would be tension if we all hung out together. We do go out to Karaoke once or twice a month together and have a great time. I dont know, just is very frustrating to me lately and stressful....I am trying to please everyone, yet nobody bothers to try and please me. __________________ "Every tomorrow brings new opportunities, challenges we must address...A chance to affirm all our wishes and dreams, to seek beauty and true happiness."

05-05-2003, 03:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
sierra2774 Addict Location: Northeast Ohio	I know that is what I should do, I am just trying to find a tactful way to do it, because that is just how I am. __________________ "Every tomorrow brings new opportunities, challenges we must address...A chance to affirm all our wishes and dreams, to seek beauty and true happiness."

05-13-2003, 12:40 AM	#9 (permalink)
Slims Eccentric insomniac Location: North Carolina	Just ignore the jealousy. Hang out with each friend as you see fit regardless of the others whining and they will probably get used to it after a while. __________________ "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill "All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

06-01-2003, 08:36 AM	#10 (permalink)
sierra2774 Addict Location: Northeast Ohio	It is high school bullshit...the sad thing is, I am the youngest of the three and way more mature then them both. I really don't understand the jealousy....They both have other Friends and I could care less when they are with them...It has gotten worse lately, that is why I am hoping to get some more advice to this thread. One of them wants me to go away for a "girls" weekend and I have no desire to go, so I told her I couldn't go and she thinks it is because of the other Friend that I won't go...It is crazy! I feel better venting about it....I just wish they would grow up because I am about to just be done with them both! __________________ "Every tomorrow brings new opportunities, challenges we must address...A chance to affirm all our wishes and dreams, to seek beauty and true happiness."

05-05-2003, 12:43 PM	#2 (permalink)
bigoldalphamale Loser	why is it that you all cant hang out together more often. is there seperation because of scheduling conflicts? if not, then all three of you just need to hang out more. and tell them to stop being such typical femmes.

05-05-2003, 01:09 PM	#4 (permalink)
bigoldalphamale Loser	interesting. well, my newest philosophy is to be proactive on everything. take the initiative before you get taken. so tell them to knock thier shit off because you're tired of it.

05-07-2003, 12:50 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sappen123 Upright	Funny, I just had a related conversation with a long time friend of mine last night (after many martinis at fine little bar). We were talking about the "special status" of sex (I know that's not what you're talking about, but trust me this is related). Anyway, the conversation went along that the jealousy problems of sex are really about bonding. Sex happens to (often) be an intense experience that creates a bonding experience of which another partner can be jealous. However, that other partner would likely be just as jealous if you went on an exotic adventure vacation for a month with another friend, even if they knew for a fact that there was no physical contact. There are a bunch of subtleties and caveats (this was a looong conversation), but I won't go too far down this tangent. Anyway, eventually we extended down the other axis. Jealousy over a bonding experience with a third party is not only restricted to a "Partner". Your friends are all just varying degrees of "Partner" with the same base emotional bond issues and should be recognized and dealt with as such, and given validity (don't repress emotion, just understand it). I brought this up, becuase it is easy to feel defensive about being "jealous" of another friend because it feels so juvenile, as you indicated in your description. However, it is important to not trivialize the emotion, as it is very primal and very powerful. Bond issues can lead to murder and domestic violence in extreme cases, so don't underestimate or ignore that feeling in yourself or others. The juvenility (is that a word? ;-) is in denying the feeling and dealing with it poorly (as denial and/or misunderstanding so often causes poor reactions). Your friends are dealing with it poorly and need to just recognize it and you likely need to be sensitive to their feelings by being aware of your actions in this context. The best approach (I think, but depends on your nature), would be to talk about jealousy as a theoretical subject as above, validating any such feelings, and then relating it to your current perception of what is happening creating a fairly neutral, non-accusatory dialogue. This is exactly what I did with my friend mentioned above, and she admitted (without my prompting) that she was jealous of her very good (and mutual) friend spending so much time with me (since this other mutual friend had become my capital 'G' girlfriend). The conversation was very good then on for both of our relationships. I tried to keep this as short as I could but these are some complicated social questions you're asking about that I have a lot of opinions about ;-). Sorry for the length... (left to my own devices, this message would be 30 pages long ;-).

05-07-2003, 01:01 PM	#7 (permalink)
TrollInvestigtr Crazy	I think you should try to have a threesome.

05-12-2003, 10:24 PM	#8 (permalink)
analog Banned	sounds like highschool bullshit. you sound like a smart person, get some more mature friends, for christ's sake!

06-01-2003, 09:00 AM	#11 (permalink)
rogue49 Loser	nah, cut to the chase. Just get pissed off, and ask them straight out. This is not fair to you, get it out in the open. Show them how unreasonable they are being. I hate the petty shit.

06-01-2003, 10:50 AM	#12 (permalink)
WhoaitsZ Crazy Location: right behind you...	siera: I've always lived by a friend code: if you don't like my friends, fine, i'll be your friend anyhow. if you ask me to not be a friend with someone, I will fucking walk out and never speak to you again. one thing you should do is tell both that you will not tolerate such childishness (which is reserved for other silly thins) and you want them to STFU. maybe put them in the same room. with whips..... take a camera?

06-01-2003, 06:57 PM	#13 (permalink)
sierra2774 Addict Location: Northeast Ohio	whoaitsz.... That is wonderful advise...If I decide to do the whip thing, I will take my camera. __________________ "Every tomorrow brings new opportunities, challenges we must address...A chance to affirm all our wishes and dreams, to seek beauty and true happiness."

06-02-2003, 09:38 AM	#15 (permalink)
Shades Insane	threesome++

06-02-2003, 03:03 PM	#16 (permalink)
Double D Junkie Location: Chicagoland	They are jealous because they are both insecure. This is something that comes from within each of them. It has zip to do with you and it is not neccesarily due to immaturity, as some of us can feel insecure until our dying day. The advice rendered here for you to have a frank, non-threatening discussion with each of them, is probably the best route if you want to stay friends. Telling them to grow the fuck up will do nothing but hurt their (insecure) feelings, tho' it would probably solve your problem, as they most likely would tell you to take a hike.