Here's the rough draft:
An Audacious Proposal<p>
One of the great problems of our times is the exponential rate at which the world’s population is swelling. There are
a little more than six billion people living today (and in this case, “a little more” means three hundred million), and that
number is steadily increasing (US Census). Fifty seven million square miles of inhabitable land (Enchanted Learning) on the
surface of the earth are parceled out among these masses. Breaking it down further, one hundred and five people per square
mile -- or fifty square feet of land for each person living on the earth. To get a feel for how much space this is, imagine a
room with each wall measuring seven feet in length. This room, though to call it a room is to exaggerate, is exactly
forty-nine square feet of floor area. The truth of humanity: every man and woman stamped and catalogued, each stowed away in
a dismal seven-by-seven drawer -- “A place for everything, and everything in its place” (Samuel Smiles). How do we escape
this dire situation, this ultimate imbroglio? There is no easy fix, to be sure. Experimental legislation in China that limits
each husband and wife to a maximum of one child has fallen short. I doubt very much that it would fare any better as a
population stifling agent in other regions of the world. Colonizing nearby planets, another possible solution, is a
fantastical idea that would only be able to be put into effect many generations from now. Seeing results would take several
more generations -- by this time the earth’s population will have nearly quadrupled. The walls of our drawers are shrinking,
perpetually caving in; ready to bind us. Man has failed. We must turn now to the tender mercies of God. <p>
We cannot, however, deal with the kinder, gentler God that we have all come to know and love -- the God who
organizes grandmother’s Friday night BINGO game and the annual bake sale. No, we must coax Him into the rash ways of His
youth. Gone are the days when the good old angel of death would sweep across the land in a green haze, murdering the first
born of every house (while Charlton Heston hunkers down in his bungalow, snacking on matzah and droning out cryptic hymns).
Alas, parenthood changes everything. But what we need now, in order downsize the population, is some of that Old Testament
medicine -- a smiting of the first degree! “But why would God return to his old ways after two thousand years?” you ask. The
answer is simple: a mid-life crisis. Middle aged men, longing for a return to youth, do things like buy sports cars, ride
motorcycles, and go skydiving. But when you’re omnipotent, Harleys and Lamborghinis must be pretty lame. So what would God do
in the midst of a mid-life crisis? Get back to smiting the wicked, that’s what he’d do! Finally, a real solution to
overpopulation! The only complication is speeding the holy crisis up -- time is pressing, my friends. “What can I do to
help,” you want to know? Well, for starters, when you pray, be sure to slip in little comments like “was that your hair at
the bottom of my tub this morning?” or “you could really stand to lose a few there, big guy” or “dude, God, you were such a
party animal back in the day -- what happened?” Feeding on insecurities is a surefire way to hasten God’s return to the
wrathful ways of His divine boyhood. I can see Him now, standing in a celestial bathroom, staring at His love handles in the
mirror, thinking to Himself, “I used to be in such good shape… Am I still cool? … Is that a gray hair!?” Finally, He’ll
snap.<p>
When He snaps, He’ll notice all the smite-worthy affairs we’ve been carrying on down here for the past two millennia.
Acts of the utmost abhorrence. “People wearing cloth of two threads -- cotton-polyester blends, the outrage! (Leviticus
19:19). Governments conducting censuses -- infuriating! (First Chronicles 21:1). And the coup de grace, working on the
Sabbath! (Exodus 31:14). The only possible atonement for these sins is death!” Says God. He will then ascend from the
heavens, bearing His favorite weapons with Him: pestilence, famine, and plague (and of course enlisting the help of his
buddies in Israel to take care of the war part). Sure, it’ll be hard for a while and most of us will probably die in some
horribly painful fashion, with all the “burning ague that shall consume the eyes…” and such going on (Leviticus 26:16), but
what’s important is that we’re solving the great problem of overpopulation, a most worthy cause to sit upon the edge of
Eschaton for. We shall finally be delivered from the creeping cinch of the vice. The walls of our drawers shall become as the
walls of Jericho, and crumble to ruin. With the task of thinning the human population complete, the mid-life crisis will come
to an end, and God will go back to His home in that great sacrosanct suburbia in the sky, reassuming the gentle, New
Testament disposition that we hold so dear. <p>
Though there will be much suffering and death by taking this route, I believe that it is now the most feasible option
that we have in facing the issue of overpopulation, as more conventional methods have failed. I urge all that read this to
fill the quiet spaces in their prayers with little hints at God’s increasingly “over-the-hill” appearance and behavior, as we
must take action immediately. A long road is ahead of us, brothers and sisters, but think of your children and grandchildren:
we’ll be making their drawers much roomier. So pray long, pray hard, and don’t forget to stock up on lamb’s blood.