Valentina

Bingo.

Prince, are you pretty sure that she's so uptight that she'll be shocked or disapproving? Are you afraid she'll have jealousy issues re: you looking at/desiring other women? Is it standard porn or does it involve fetishes that you think might freak her out? Do you know anything about her fantasy life?

I just find it hard to fathom that people enter into the lifelong commitment of marriage when they haven't discussed something as basic as what kind of stuff gets them hot and what images they get off on...that's just me, though. I've used porn since I was a kid--but then, I doubt that any guy who'd known me in the Biblical sense would think for a moment that I was the kind of girl from whom he'd have to hide his porn. I'm assuming you have some reason for thinking that your wife wouldn't appreciate your little stash--or are you just working from some assumption that women (or maybe "nice girls" like your wife) don't get off on porn?

Have you ever broached the subject? Do you know her feelings on porn in general? Need more info before I can advise...

rlynnm

You worded this so wonderfully. Thank you for adding your insight.

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Prince

Shocked, no. Disapproving? To a degree. I'm 96% sure she wouldn't tell me to get rid of my porn, but she wouldn't exactly approve of it. I subscribe to Stuff and Maxim, and she is alright with it, but I can tell that the fact that I enjoy these magazines bugs her at least marginally, as she always makes a point of making fun of the contents of the mags. I've asked her before if she is alright with me getting these mags and she said "yeah, it's not like they're Playboy or something". To me, Playboy isn't exactly hardcore.

I don't know about fetishes, but I prefer porn that features young adult females, around the 18-20 range. You know, cheerleader stuff. These girls are thin, perky, etc. She's not the cheerleader type, but she is the most gorgeous woman to me. However, underneath women never seem to fully grasp this. She's always had her share of insecurity issues about her looks and weight, as have I about mine. As for her fantasy life, I can't say I know much about it. According to her, she doesn't fantasize as such, mostly dreams as she sleeps. She will tell me about any erotic dreams she's had. Her views regarding sex are more conservative than mine.

She never got into porn. She never watched porn out of her own accord. I was her first partner, and boyfriend. There wasn't a whole lot, from her side, according to her, to share. I am at a loss as to what sharing sexual fantasies with her in detail would benefit me, if those fantasies are more likely to upset her than not. I am all for being as open as possible in a relationship, but some things are, at times, best kept to oneself. Or am I totally wrong about this as well?

Yeah. She doesn't care for porn. According to her she doesn't get anything out of it. The few times I've subjected her to a clip I've had on the computer, she hasn't remarked at all at anything she found the least bit arousing; au contraire, she would laugh her ass off on how ridiculous it all looks. I like to look. She doesn't get off on the visual.

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raeanna74

This sounds just like my response to porn before I was assured of my husbands enjoyment of my body. I felt in competition, jealous even, and my reaction was to belittle the skinny bodies that were younger, thinner, and more lithe than mine. He was very attentive to reassure me of my attractiveness to him. Once I got past that I was able to enjoy it and even get off while looking at it with hubby. Until I got past it I would get off in secret after looking at it.

Hubby hid it from me for a little bit. I was suspicious and caught him one with it on his computer. It was then that we started looking at it together. He doesn't hide it from me now. We just try to hide it from our kid.

I was concerned at first when I found it. Almost more concerned BECAUSE he was hiding it. When I told him that I felt like I was in competition with those women that he was looking at he calmed my fears by explaining how he felt about it. He told me that NOTHING could beat the real thing and that he LOVED me while he just enjoyed looking at the pictures of annonymous women.

The hiding will probably be more of a problem than the looking. Ask her how she feels about porn. Tell her that you like to see porn but that she's the real thing.

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Valentina

Heehee. No, not to me, either. When she "makes fun of the contents" of Maxim and Stuff, is she making fun of the hot chicks? The poses they strike? The general vapidness of the articles? The abominable writing? I'm just curious, because if she's making fun of the chicks (or their outfits/poses/facial expressions), then I'm pretty sure that her objection to porn stems from feeling threatened by the thought that you enjoy looking at younger, thinner women...If she makes fun of the articles and the writing, maybe she has more of an intellectual objection to porn...

No, no, you're definitely not wrong about that. I agree that just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you have to share every single thought that crosses your mind...

It's just that hot sex has always been a really important facet of a relationship to me; I like to know my partner's fantasies, so that I can help him realize some of them...See, for me, the solution to the cheerleader thing is to go out and find a good cheerleader outfit, or break out the short plaid skirt, the white knee socks and the mary janes (or the 7" plats, whatever he prefers)...Make a few ground rules, and have at some serious roleplay. I love that shit. Okay, so I'm not 16 anymore. But we can put the hair in pigtails and pretend, right?

But everyone's different. I've had a really vivid fantasy life since I was very young, and I'm happy when I find a guy who gets off on hearing about it...but I've also been with guys who I didn't think could handle it (my fantasies tend toward the twisted). I've been with guys who didn't seem to have a particularly active fantasy life themselves, or whose fantasies (and former girlfriends) were so tame that stuff like a quality BJ or mutual masturbation seemed kind of edgy or novel to them...

I guess I was hoping that maybe your wife had some secret fantasy life, or had shared some fantasies with you, that might give you some opening, some crack in her armor to introduce a little porn to her that she just couldn't help but get off on...Like, I love that story of the guy whose wife just lost it when he showed her the lesbian porn...(that was hot! Keep workin' on her...she definitely has some freak potential. )

I mean, I guess all women don't have to like porn. I just think it greatly enhances a relationship when you can explore the further reaches of your sexuality together, and porn can help facilitate that kind of exploration. But I realize that some people just aren't up for that kind of adventure...

Hmmm....I think reanna74 offered some really good insight in her post. I'm pretty sure that the barrier to enjoying porn for most women is insecurity. My relationship to porn is a little different, perhaps, because I've worked in the sex industry myself...

Of course, all the studies say it's true that men tend to be more visual in this regard. I admit that visual images can get me going, but I prefer really filthy stories--i.e. well-written hard-core erotica. (ok, it doesn't have to be that well-written. But the Beauty books by Ann Rice are a good example.) Maybe she'd enjoy some tasteful erotica, without the pictures of 18-year-old cheerleaders to make her think more about diets and botox than sex?

Based on what you've said here, though, it sounds like there's nothing terrible about declining to share your porn collection with your wife. I mean, I'm a biologist and a birder...but if I'm with a guy who could care less about birds, I'm not gonna force him to look at my field guides...I mean, I'm not gonna hide them, either...but if your wife's just not interested in porn, why force it on her? Why share?

It seems that something about hiding the collection is bothering you, though, or you wouldn't have posted the question. I still hold out some hope that maybe you can find a way to share some porn/erotica and use it to improve your sex life....

redsfan11

My wife is not into porn, so I don't own up to my small collection. She is too concerned that the kids would find it.

Valentina

^Well, I admit: I found my parents' porn and look what happened to me.