Jesseboy

I am very interested to see what advice you folks can offer me regarding this situation...

Unfortunately, I do not like drinking with my girlfriend at all. If I had a choice between going out with my girlfriend to a bar and drinking the night away or having my fingernails removed with pliars, it would be a tough choice.

The problem, however, is that I wish I didn't feel this way - and I love her very much.

I suppose I should give a bit of background information to help you understand where I am coming from. First of all, I am not averse to drinking in general - I myself go out to the bars usually once a week. Typically, I do get drunk, although I honestly don't believe I am the typical drunk male. I am still pretty quiet, and still have complete control over myself. I don't drink and drive, and always take a taxi home. I don't get black out drunk or act belligerant, I simply kick back and have a good time.

Getting on to the main topic, I have my reasons, which I hope are justified, as to why I don't like drinking with my girlfriend. I'll also try and provide examples, that way I can get some objective opinions and hopefully find out if I am overreacting.

First of all, and this is my most major concern at this point - my girlfriend is very petite, and on top of that, she has a very low tolerance. This is likely attributed to the fact that she doesn't drink all that often. I recently discovered - New Year's Eve - that after a relatively nominal amount of alchohol, she blacks out. I never knew this before, and only recently found this out because while discussing what we did only a few short hours after it happened last night she didn't even remember what bars we visited, or who we talked to. She honestly believed that I was messing around with her when I told her we went to a particular bar, and only after I specifically described what we did there and who we talked to did she recollect that we even went there.

Additionally, another big concern for me is what she wears. I like to think that I am not the jealous type, although after reading this you may disagree - but she normally wears very revealing clothing when she goes out. I understand that this is pretty typical of young adults our age, but it bothers me. I have discussed this with her several times - I would never take the role of saying what she can or cannot wear, but I was curious as to her reasons behind it. Originally, she denied that she specifically wore revealing clothing (which is blatently false) and basically said that she feels she looks "nice." I agree wholeheartedly - she looks smoking hot. Hell, if I didn't know her, I'd definately hit on her if I saw her in a bar - which is what many guys do, even when I am sitting next to her. Whenever I leave (to go get a drink, to go take a leak, etc) when I come back, there is almost always a guy talking to her. I don't mean to give you the impression that she is unfaithful, but I feel her choice of clothing definately attracts additional attention - and she knows it. However, she dresses the same both when she goes out with me or when she goes out with her girlfriends, which will play a role momentarily. After giving it some thought, I figured that she was likely attracting the attention of other people simply to boost her self esteem - after all, it is flattering to know that you are wanted by other people. The next time we had a conversation about it, I brought this up as a possible reason. She said that that was a part of it, but she also was dressing like that for me as well - she thought that I would like the fact that other guys would be jealous of me. To be honest, I really don't care one way or another, but I suppose I can understand where she is coming from. However, like I said before, this can't be all that big of the reason simply because she dresses like this whether I am there or not.

Re-reading what I just wrote, I'd like to clarify a few things. I believe there is a very small chance of her ever cheating on me - and I'd say none at all, but alchohol is involved. The reason this bothers me so much isn't simply because guys are hitting on her - I realize that can't be helped, especially because she is so cute. However, a lot of these guys that hit on her get the wrong impression, and are total fucktards. They'll grab her ass, say the most horrible things, and all around treat her like a slut. I spend most of my night just waiting to defend her from these assholes. It's difficult for me to watch people treat her like a piece of meat - worse, she seems to enjoy it for the most part.

Yet another reason I absolutely dislike drinking with her is she doesn't know when to stop. I feel like I am always ruining her night when we do go out, because I'm always the one that says it's time to go. Granted, you'd think that she'd realize that if she can hardly walk it would be time to stop drinking, but when she's hammered she just wants to continue. Not only that, but because she is so small and has such a low tolerance, pretty much every time we drink she gets hammered. Most of the time when we go out, when we get home, she has to spend the next few hours trying not to vomit because she has "the spins" It isn't really all that great of a way to end an evening out... nearly every time you go out.

Additionally, often time when she gets drunk she gets very sexual - and makes stupid decisions. I have actually had to stop her from unbuckling her pants so someone could take a photo of her ass. I imagine that she dances with guys in a manner I wouldn't really approve of when I'm not out with her (although don't take that as fact, as I don't know for certain) but other examples include her flashing people, running down the street naked, etc. I understand that it is relatively harmless fun, but I am not comfortable with it at all. Other people seeing her naked, or having her grind her ass on some guys crotch isn't appealing to me at all. In fact, nearly every one of our major fights have been about something that happened while she was drinking. Granted, we argue about stupid little things occasionally, but every relationship threatening fight that we have had has typically had to do with her actions while she was drinking. The one major fight that doesn't fall into that category was a trust issue.

Another reason I don't like drinking with her is because she gets extraordinarily emotional when she is drunk. Very, very seldom she fall asleep after a night of drinking without crying about something. Although I have definately attributed to it some evenings, she'll usually find something to cry about. For instance, one time I told her I didn't really like her shoes (they were just obnoxious. Mainly, every time she takes a step half a dozen LEDs flash rapidly for a few moments) and she took such offence to it and was hurt so much by my comment that she cried for several hours. I had no idea that it was a big deal. I didn't make the comment to hurt her, and had no idea on the effect it was going to have.

I think the root of the problem is she almost seems to idolize drinking. She seems to think that it will automatically be much more fun if alchohol is involved, and that there aren't any consequences if she has been drinking. To be perfectly honest, I think she believes that every night we go out the evening should resemble something similar to what you would see on MTV.

I find it very, very difficult, or maybe even impossible, to go out and relax and have a good time. Whenever we are out, I don't drink very much simply because I feel as though I need to protect her from the assholes that approach her - something I would much rather do sober. It has never gotten physical, but it has come very close on a couple of occasions. Please don't get the impression that I am looking for a fight or think that every guy that approches her is an asshole, but sometimes some people take it to the extreme. Making a comment about her is one thing, but actually grabbing her is another.

I don't mean to give the impression that our relationship is on the rocks at all, we typically get along just fine and we both love each other very much. However, if it were up to me, alchohol would be eliminated from our lives completely - it seems that whenever alchohol is present, trouble in our relationship is soon to follow, and I'd hate to lose her over something so stupid as drinking.

Does anyone else feel this way with their S/O? Am I being an overprotective boyfriend, or just an asshole myself? Are my reasons justified, or am I just a stick in the mud? Any ideas on how I can feel differently about the situation?

Any help or advice you can offer would be much appreciated...

Sultana

I have to say it sounds to me like she may have a alcohol problem. Not so much for her behavior when she's drunk, but because she still is drinking, even though what she does bothers you and she knows it and still wants to booze it up. Does *she* think that her behavior is bad, or does she think you are being overly protective, or something?

Have you brought up the possibility of going out without drinking at all, just once? I'd be interested in her reaction to that proposal...

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SecretMethod70

In addition to what Sultana said, it sounds to me like the two of you are maybe just on different levels in terms of maturity. I don't know if there's a way to "fix" that.

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Le temps détruit tout

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Jesseboy

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure how she feels about her actions. In several of the... situtations... that we "discussed" - her response to why she did it was "I was just having a good time." I am unsure if she thinks her behavior is bad, but I am almost certain that she thinks I am being overprotective. I am not really satisfied with her response, because normally when she says that she was "having a good time" it typically involves nudity or something else distasteful. If I had to guess, I would bet that in the back of her mind she may know that her behavior is "bad" - but would probably never admit it to herself, and never admit it to me.

In fact, one thing I neglected to mention when we were talking about her blackout - she said she was embarrassed that she blacked out. I told her it was nothing to be embarrassed about, but it is definately a problem. She then made quite a revealing comment as to why she was upset. It wasn't because she blacked out, it was because "It justifies why you (me) don't like to go out with me"

I have never really even thought about going out and not drinking, Sultana. I'm not sure if she would go for it, but it would give me insight as to whether she goes out for the alchohol or for the scene in general. That's something I would have never thought of - I appreciate it, and will let you know what she says when I do bring it up

Jesseboy

Although this may be true (hopefully it isn't) I should explain a bit more. Certainly, some of the things that she has done were (at least in my opinion) very immature - however, we were younger then. We have been dating since we were in high school - and some of the situations (flashing, running down the street naked) took place back then.

Unfortunately, those events so long ago still have an impact on my current hesitation to drink with her. I suppose that's part of the problem of having such a long term relationship, but I find it difficult to forget that it ever happened.

shesus

Jesseboy, you could have described me to a tee. I have made many drunken mistakes in the past. I would feel very embarrassed the next morning and swear never again. But the next weekend there I was out with a friend or JJ making a fool of myself again. It took awhile (12 years) for me to learn to control my drinking and once in awhile I'll still slip, especially if drinking a new drink. However, you will not be able to change her. She will have to want to make the change herself. It may be, like in my case, that something bad will happen that will 'scare' her to her senses. Or it may be just as Secretmethod said a maturity thing that she will grow out of.

Blackouts are very serious and a sign of alcoholism. I've never had those, but I know many people who have and most of those people have drinking problems. She should do some research and look into her family past. Alcoholism is genetic, which is another reason I have to be very careful about drinking.

As for the clothes, that's just a non-issue. The alcohol lowers her inhibitions, the clothes aid to that, but are not the factor. I used to think that clothes made a difference. While they can make people look at you in a slightly different way, it doesn't matter if she's wearing a bulky sweater or a tank, if she's pretty and flirtatious, the guys will be attracted. Of course, that is my experience and I may be off-base here...I'm not a guy obviously.

My advice is to keep communication open. Let her know what bothers you and why you are concerned. Understand that it takes time and she may not be willing to change. Then you have to decide what you will accept and go from there.

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SecretMethod70

I Should clarify, when I said there may be a gap in maturity I meant how she is addressing the situation. It doesn't sound like she's being very responsive to your feelings and is unwilling to compromise a little for the health of your relationship. But, it's hard to tell things like that off of a couple posts on a message board, just a thought.

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

eribrav

You did an excellent job describing your feelings, and how this all impacts you.

How about printing out a copy, and sharing it with her in a non threatening way, when the two of you are getting along well and having fun without the influence of alcohol?

Daniel_

so -

she dresses up to go out

she goes out to go drinking

she drinks to get drunk

she flirts when she's drunk

she gets hit on by guys when she flirts

she makes bad choices about nudity when she's flirting

Sadly, I don't think we have to draw you a diagram of how this might end up.

The frightening thing is that she's not going to be able to recognise the guy in the lineup after he sexually assualts her.

__________________

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And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

ngdawg

Since she doesn't see a problem, I suggest something a bit unusual. Videotape her one night when you've gone out. Go home, turn on the cam, start talking back and forth, honestly. When she sobers up, play the video.
It doesn't matter what you could say, humans have a great capacity for denial when confronted with less than stellar behavior. Seeing it from the outside, knowing that's her in all her drunken glory, might give her pause.

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Jesseboy

Agreed, Blacking out is by far the most disturbing point for me. What makes it exceptionally terrifying is how she had relatively little to drink and how much more sober she was than she typically is.

I am not sure if it is possible for her to be an alchoholic - simply because she very rarely drinks. She probably goes out on average of 1-2 times per month, and she vary seldom drinks unless she is out. However, I firmly believe that the reason she goes out that seldom is based soley on the fact that she has to work a lot of weekends, and not because she only wants to go out that often...

Although I may not be considered the typical guy, I would argue this point with you. If I see a very attractive girl dressed in non-revealing attire my reaction is entirely different (as well as my perception of her) than seeing that same girl wearing very revealing clothing. Especially in the case of the revealing attire, I imagine that the guys think even less of her as a person, and more of a girl as a sexual object.

This is a tough one for me. We communicate relatively well otherwise, but she always gets very defensive when we talk about alchohol in general. I never would want to be the type of boyfriend that would say "You can NEVER _______", nor say anything that could be interpreted in that way. I feel like since she knows my feelings, the ball is in her court, and she continues to do nothing about it...

Jesseboy

Well, to be fair to her, I don't really know of any situation that would be a comprimise between us. I really dislike drinking with her, in fact - I don't really like her drinking at all. So, I don't really know where to even begin comprimising, with I suppose the exception being that neither of us drink - which I have offered to do.

Jesseboy

This is my biggest fear. Obviously, I don't want her cheating on me, but if she does and it was her choice it is a whole different world than her getting wasted and something terrible happening to her.

I am not sure if this is fair of me or not, but another thing that bothers me about the blackouts is the fact that whenever she goes on vacation (Cancun, Music Festivals, etc) she drinks excessively typically for the entire week. In light of her blacking out, I wonder if maybe something did happen and she doesn't remember. I don't really have any evidence of that nor any reason to believe it - I think it may just be my fear of something like that happening that makes me uncomfortable right now...

Jesseboy

Although I do like the unconviential manner you suggest, I think that it may, in fact, backfire - she may get even more wild if a camera is around. I don't think we have ever run into that situation before, but I wouldn't really be that surprised if that was the end result...

jusolson00

Well I think ngdawg's idea of video taping her is the way to go. Maybe having a friend take some footage from afar without her noticing and then set something up when you get home. It is true, at least for me anyways about reverting to denial when being confronted. If she could see herself and her actions in a sober state, it might be all you need to knock her back to her senses. A "self relalization" moment if you will. As for your end of the deal, I do not think you are being the asshole or stick in the mud. You are simply looking out for her well being. If guys are indeed grapping her and making lude comments then you have every right to step in and say something. It doesnt sound as she has been unfaithful or given you much reason that she would be, so my advice to you would to try to be a bit more trusting, but keep one eye open so to speak when she's out and involved with alcohol. Its a shitty feeling no doubt, but if she can realize what her behavior is doing to you and make changes to help, then you both will come out closer and better off.

Jesseboy

This is what I struggle with - I don't think I can be objective enough to really rely on my decision at all. I am not sure if I am being protective of her, overprovtective/overbearing, or just a downright jealous asshole.

I know this sounds cliche, but I trust her - I don't trust the other guys. In any normal situation I'd trust her 100%, but with alchohol involved one can never know for certain. However, my main concern has nothing to do with my trust in her - it has to do with my concern for her well-being. I feel like giving guys the wrong idea about her just compounds the chances that something bad may befall her. A real eye opener for me is when a girl was raped and killed locally - the rapist/murderer picked her up from a bar that we frequent. There have been several scandals as of late regarding the bars around town - including one where a bar owner would slip young ladies drugs and videotape himself raping them. I knew three of the girls that he did this to, and it isn't like we live in a high crime city.

As far as her being unfaithful to me, with the exception of a couple of grey areas, it is true that I should trust her very much. One of the grey areas that I speak of involved her "being kissed" by some guy while she was in Cancun. As the story goes, she was at a bar in Cancun and one of the bartenders was going around pouring shots of tequilla into girls' mouths and kissing them afterward. Apparently, she would have prevented him from kissing her but "she was laughing too hard and suddenly the guy just shoved his tongue down her throat." I'm not so nieve to actually believe this - I imagine that she was drunk, saw what he was doing, and did nothing to prevent it, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. I do have to commend her on being honest with me, though - I am not one to stand for cheating. I suppose in my mind I justified it to myself by thinking that although any dope could see that the entire thing wasn't true, he was just an employee of the club she was at. I know that I should be questioning if even that is true, but it is really the only way I could continue to stay with her, and I'm sure that if we do end up getting married someday that we'll have much larger hurdles to get through than her getting kissed by some guy years ago.

Wow, I'm beginning to ramble....

I look forward to more replies

Dael

I don't think you're sounding cliche here at all, personally. The whole 'trust' issue came up between me and my GF too, and I always tried to explain this to her too, so i know exactly how you feel.

Ladies out there, please try to understand. IMHO, more than 90% of the actually decent guys out there are going to have what you think are 'jealousy' problems for this very reason: we know what men are capable of. I've had all kinds of friends and acquaintances that were not decent guys towards women, and it is for this reason that it may seem sometimes that we don't trust you. But believe me, we do: it's the creeps unable to keep their hands off you and/or their lewd comments to themselves that we aren't impressed with.

ShaniFaye

how about just not going out to drink?

and yes Im being serious...you said yourself she hardly ever does it, so cutting it out shouldnt be that much of a problem....who says you have to have alcohol when you go out?

and just to add...Im not against drinking at all...I do it myself when at a party or out to dinner (cant abide the bar scene so I dont do it) but....Im perfectly capable of going to a party or out to dinner and drinking sweet tea or dr pepper all night long (and this is coming from someone who's clothes are allergic to most all forms of alcohol ESPECIALLY tequila...this is one reason I curtail the drinking in public and save it for at home with dave lol)

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Jesseboy

To be perfectly honest, Shani, I have no qualms with this at all - in fact, I would probably find this the most preferable solution. Obviously, if she decided not to drink any more, I wouldn't either out of respect for her.

Unfortunately, time and time again has proven that drinking is very important to her - "a good time" has on several occasions come before our relationship.

Mantus

Next time she goes shitfaced have her find a pentagram carved into her chest.

wraithhibn

My gf used to be that way. Then one night she went out with her friends and kissed one of her guy friends. He was like, "no you have a boyfriend" and after that she knew she had a problem. Now she won't go out drinking unless shes with me. Something has to jolt her to realize it can be a problem in your relationship. In your situation, good luck.

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insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

shesus

Shani makes a good point. I typically only drink at home now unless it's a party where we have to go out. There are good reasons for this. It's cheaper and a safer environment. She can still have fun because you can invite your friends over. This is also safer because then there will be no driving involved. Then if she gets naked, she'll be close to the bed or at least only around you or close friends.

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I heard you sold it

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Elphaba

Jesse, from what you have described it is possible that she has a physical intolerance to alcohol. (This has little to do with alcoholism per se, but one may lead to the other.)
She has a moment of social fun which reinforces future behavior, and can't remember what follows with the next drink.

I would ask Pan to chime in with his thoughts.

Nimetic

Have you tried doing your drinking over dinner, ie in a restaurant situation. It's not something perhaps that you would have done when you were younger... But it's fairly common. It also fits the convention of "go out have good time".

Advantages as I see them include:

- a generally less threatening situation
- food slows the drinks down
- romantic (potentially) and chance to chat
- less emphasis on "dressing to impress"
- less emphasis on getting drunk
- Speaking for myself only, I find that I can have a drink over dinner
and be fine to drive later - some may disagree...
- if she has a drink over dinner and becomes amorous, you can head home
immediately, perhaps leading to a good outcome for all concerned.

ngdawg

That's kind of the point-how 'wild' or out of control could she get? Then seeing herself sober acting in that manner....a 'hidden camera' might do more harm, really. Knowing it's there, she's drinking and loosened up reveals more than when inhibitions are in control.
As Shani said, just don't drink or put yourselves in the situation that there would be free flowing alcohol, but then again, if she's old enough to buy booze, you can't stop her.

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tec-9-7

With alcoholics, it isn't how much they drink; it's how they react to it. After much experience with alcoholics on a number of levels, I really believe that their bodies process alcohol differently than non-alcoholics. Be very cautious here.

MageB420666

That statement right there confirms one thing: She has an addiction. And not necessarily to alcohol.

She is willing to put drinking and partying(cause that's what it is) before the relationship, and her own well-being. Blacking out in a bar with strangers hitting on her is not safe at all. If she keeps up that kind of behavior, it is very likely that at the least she will cheat on you, or at the worst wind up brutally raped and murdered.

Just because she only goes out drinking occasionally does not indicate that there is no addiction, frequency doesn't have as much to do with addiction as dependance does. If she feels dependant upon alcohol to have a good time, then she has become addicted to it.

IMHO, you are not being jealous or over-protective, you have very real concerns and fears that seem to be well justified. If she is more concerned about going out and "having fun" then she is about you, then you may want to think long and hard about this relationship. It may take more of a wake-up call than you would like to think to get her to stop drinking. But I doubt that a more "desirable" option will do it.

Oh, and video taping her without her knowledge would be a very, very bad decision. It would likely just get her pissed off and defensive about the whole situation, and bring up even more trust issues. If you do decide to tape her drunken behavior, I would strongly suggest letting her know before hand. And setting up a situation to make her do something stupid seems just as bad to me. Just my opinion though.

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SERPENT7

She might have an actual alergy (extreme sensitivity) to alcohol.

pan6467

Jesse,

As an alcohol/drug addictions counselor, I can give tell you what I think from what you have written. Take it as you want..... (My legal disclaimer is at the end.)

First, blackouts are total loss in memory of a period of time, there is ABSOLUTELY NO, "I remember .... but then I forget..... then I remember and I forget...."

It's all or nothing. In other words, when you say, "I remember bits and pieces but not everything" that is not a blackout, that is selective memory, the memory is there it's just blocked. When you say, "I remember going here and I cannot remember a damned thing until now" that is a blackout.

99.9% of the people I deal with when they have blackouts are in a very serious stage of alcoholism. The next stage is tolerance break and that means you're freaking liver is done.

Now, can binge drinkers be alcoholics? YES, in fact they are the absolute worst to treat and have the lowest recovery rates. Why? Because they refuse to see they have a problem. "I don't drink every day, Hell I only drink 1-2 times a month...... " But when you drink how much do you drink and for how long?

Also, these are the cases where noone but those closest to the person in that situation (like a spouse, very close family and friends) actually see it, everyone else would say "there's no problem there."

These "Binge drinking" types of alcoholics are also the majority of the skid row alcoholics and the ones who die from it faster than the ones who drink everyday. These are the types who refuse to see their pattern of use as anything more than "FUN", yet, they lose family, friends, jobs, etc. faster because of that "FUN" and their blackouts than those who drink everyday. These are also the types of alcoholics that tend to get very abusive, tend to have more car accidents and have far far more problems in life.

Also, given that you state:

That suggests to me she sees no problem to what she does. It is also a very bad sign because how does she know she is having "fun" when she blacks out?

Alcohol is also a depressent, and can bring up those bad feelings that it seems she has "when she cries after drinking" (paraphrased). That tells me she has some serious inner issues that may need attention.

Now, the blackouts can also be caused by other drugs she may be on, past head trauma, or a bad liver from other issues she may have and doesn't even know it. However, in all these cases it would appear that alcohol makes her condition worse and should be stayed away from.

As for her behavior, I would venture to guess she looks to alcohol as a release of "what she truly wants" and that is "fun". A characteristic of early alcoholism, "I don't drink that often but man when I do I cut loose and am out to have a great time." However, again if the evening ends with her puking and crying, and with blackouts.... she definately has issues.

My feeling, get her to go to counselling (go with her at first if that's what it takes), have her liver tested (this would be extremely important esp. if she truly has blackouts), and then tell her that you want to go for a period of time without either of you drinking and see what happens.

Like I said I am a professional in the field, and not knowing the case only from what you wrote, I just tried to share some facts with you. If they apply maybe they can help, if they don't .... they don't. (My disclaimer, I do not know your case and am only commenting on a hypothetical that COULD be. IT very well MAY NOT be the problem. I make no claims to the validity of any advice concerning the person in question. Any advice garnered from the above was based on my own OPINION and not on any facts, pertaining to this individual, what so ever.)

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Jesseboy

We have, and it isn't nearly such an issue. However, drinking over dinner is typically quite the pain in the ass because I am so strict with no drinking and driving...

Jesseboy

Agreed - video taping her with her consent is one thing, but I cannot even fathom purposefully setting her up to do something stupid. To me, that doesn't even seem like I am trying to prove my point, it almost seems malicious...

Jesseboy

It is difficult for me to say after only just noticing it if it is a true blackout or not. It very well could be "selective memory" - I just don't have enough information at this point to determine for certain.

Unfortunately, she had never even noticed that she had "blackouts" prior to New Year's eve. I would look at it as an isolated event, but I would rather error on the cautious side. Even on New Year's Eve, she didn't notice until I pointed it out, so it wouldn't surprise me in the least if it has happened before and she hasn't noticed.

When she does drink, she drinks typically for about three to four hours at a stretch when she goes out with me, when she goes on vacation (about once a year) she drinks non-stop for a week. When she is with me, she'll typically have a total of about 6-7 1oz servings of alchohol if we are out for four hours. When she is on vacation, I couldn't even guess - from the stories she tells, it seems like she is drinking mixed drinks/shots from the moment she gets up until when she passes out...

I'll be curious as to see if you classify her as a binge drinker after you see how often she drinks and how much she drinks...


Again, I honestly believe that she had no idea that she was blacking out until very recently...

Agreed, and I think most of the issue stems from self esteem related problems. I try and work with her on helping that....

Well, I can say with near certainty she isn't on any other drugs, with the exception of the occassional over the counter headache medicine, allergy medicine, or Midol. As far as head injuries go, the only one that I can really think of happened when she was very young and to my knowledge was checked out by a doctor at the time...

I'm not sure if this makes a difference or not, but she typically isn't vomiting, she just has the "spinning room" effect. She does normally spend the next few hours trying not to vomit, though...

I suppose we could arrange couseling (providing she's agreeable) but I'm not sure as to what for... Alchoholism? Just general counseling? Please clarify...

As far as going for a period of time without either of us drinking, I don't think that is going to be a problem - I imagine she'll be agreeable to that. However, and this is providing she doesn't have an issue with alchoholism, I'm looking for more of a life-long solution (a change in her behavior, a change in my attitude) than a temporary fix.

I appreciate your expert advice very much, and I cannot thank you enough for your help. I will be interested in what your diagnosis is - I understand that it is not given with certainty, as you only know what I tell you, but it will hopefully give me at least an idea as to where she stands. If you need any additional information, please let me know.

Jesseboy

Does anyone know if there are any additional signs that I could look for? As far as I know, her sesitivity comes from her petite size and weight, but this certainly could be a possiblity...

kylie

if she say that alcohol makes it fun , may be you two can drink at home? would she like that idea ? then you dont have to drink and drive . and see if she totally into it with you or just because you two are out there are people that flirt with her make her feels she is having fun ? it is not good if she enjoying when other guys out there treating her like a piece of meat even when you are around. i thought she at least respect you to say here is my bf , nice to meet him ? it doesnt matter how small and tall are you . i think is the condition that she is in. if she is not good with alcohol she should be able to notice and not herself get all the way drunk till blackout. what fun is it if you dont even remember what you did. if she loves you very much she would care for you and try listen to you and understand you are not forcing her to do anything. i hope things work out with between you two. she should be glad she has you to care about her so much

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愛是恆久忍耐

d*d

I don't see a problem with her here, this sounds like your own basic insecurity. She gets drunk and has a good time, so what the problem here is that you are having difficulty handling seeing her enjoying herself with other men - theres a huge double standard at work here and attitudes like this

are stupid and harmful, it's back to the old she was asking for it because of what she was wearing argument.

Your girlfriend is young and enjoying both her youth and her body.

skier

I think you should consider showing her this thread, and reading it together.

The only thing is that these are opinions from your side of the story- if you feel you've described the situation as objectively as possible, I feel you should have her read this and discuss the situation amongst yourselves as openly and honestly as possible.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

SecretMethod70

Recognizing that certain situations and decisions put one in harms way is not the same as saying someone was asking for it because of what they were wearing. The former is no different than saying one should not walk in a dark alley alone in the middle of the night because it unnecessarily increases the likelihood of something bad happening, the latter is taking the blame off the assailant and placing it on the victim. If something were to happen to her, no one is saying it would be her fault, just that she is putting herself in harm's way, and that's true no matter how you want to look at it. People can be idealistic all you want and say that women should be able to do whatever they want - and it's true, they should - but the fact remains that some decisions are not smart, such as walking in a dark alley alone at night. It doesn't mean the woman is to blame in any way whatsoever, or that she was asking for it, but it does mean that a better decision could have been made which may have put her less in harms way. This is the same thing that was being said before.

(If you'd like to get into a discussion about this, however, it'd be best to start a different thread - don't want to threadjack this one)

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Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

Sage

I can't make you take my advice, nor can I make you take the advice of all the people on this forum.

You say you love this girl... but does this girl love you? She is letting something get in the way of your relationship, and has been letting it get in the way for a very long time (I'm assuming you guys are at least 21, and if you've been dating since HS... that's at least three years). She is not respectful of your opnions, and is choosing to ignore your input into the relationship. Got that? If you love someone, you listen to what they say. You have patiently listened to her, suggested things to her, shared yourself with her, but for years all you've gotten back is "I like to drink, I'm not going to change, deal with it." That is a very disrespectful way to be towards a serious partner.

Is this the first serious girlfriend you've ever had? Have you ever been "in love" before you started dating this girl? Are you continuing to date her because it's comfortable? Have you dated her exclusively throughout your relationship with her? It seems like you two are so comfortable with each other that you are being with each other simply because you can, and not because you love each other. I don't know what your relationship is like when she's not drinking... but this drinking thing is HANGING OVER YOUR HEAD the entire time, like a guillotine ready to drop.

Your girlfriend has a problem. However, it's not just drinking. She's disrespectful to you and your wishes within the context of your relationship. Ask yourself- would you like to marry her knowing that she's going to have this same sort of behavior for the rest of your lives? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with her if this issue would go unresolved? YOU can only do so much, Jessieboy. At some point, she's going to have to start putting effort into your relationship. Good relationships require constant input and respect from ALL people involved.

She's damaging herself AND you. Your relationship has some major issues, along with the fact your girlfriend is acting like an immature sot every time she gets near a bar. You can do one of three things:
1) Don't do anything. Keep babysitting her when she goes out and letting her cry on your shoulder for the next fifty years.

2) Break up with her, distance yourself as much as possible from her. Find a nice girl to date, one that doesn't act like an extra from a Girls Gone Wild video.

3) Sit down, talk to her, tell her everything you've told us. If she refuses to listen, and you decide you care enough about her to save the relationship, drag her kicking and screaming to counseling. Call her parents, her friends, everyone she's ever known and get them on the bandwagon to help her. I don't think she's just being "young and enjoying both her youth and her body." She can't be enjoying it that much if she doesn't remember it.

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Jesseboy

Let me preface my response by saying that this thread has certainly taken quite an unexpected turn. I originally thought, maybe even hoped, that most everyone on here would tell me that I was just being overbearing and to stop it - the responses I have received have been quite different.

I want to say that I appreciate everyone's input, and will try and keep an open mind in listening to all your responses.

I agree with you. What is especially difficult for me is that in nearly every other aspect of our relationship things are exceptionally good. Because she does drink so rarely, it doesn't play much of a role in daily life.

I had one serious girlfriend prior to her, although I wouldn't really say that I was "in love" with the other girl. We have dated exclusively, with one exception. During our Senior year of highschool, I was so busy with school and two jobs that we rarely saw her - it didn't help that she lives nearly an hour away and didn't have a car at the time. We broke up for about a month and had no contact with each other. During the time that we were no longer together, she did date someone else for a brief period, but we ended up getting back together. As far as the drinking thing "Hanging over my head, like a guillotine" - I couldn't have come up with a better analogy. Every time we go out, I just wait for the next problem to arise - which I'm sure attributes to my not enjoying being out with her at all.

Although it may be true that she is disrespectful to myself in our relationship, perhaps I haven't been clear. Although she knows how I feel about her drinking in general, I can't say that I have ever - or even would want to - say "You CANNOT drink and be with me" As far as our other issues are concerned, I believe she puts forth some effort into our relationship. Admittedly, and perhaps I'm not very objective on this, it seems like often times I am the one putting for more effort, although I don't mean to belittle what she does try to improve. Sometimes, it almost seems like she is content with what we have, whereas I try to improve it. Please don't misunderstand that comment and think that I am generally unhappy with our relationship, I just firmly believe that you can always get closer.

Well, to be fair, she didn't know that she had issues with her memory - at least to my knowledge. However, I can't dismiss the possiblity completely because if she did have an inkling, it is very likely she wouldn't mention it to me for fear of me have yet another reason to not like her drinking.

To be honest, I think that if I said something along the lines of "Don't drink anymore" she would stop, but I hesitate to do so for a couple of reasons. First of all, regardless of my assessment of her inability to drink and control herself, she obviously doesn't have a problem with her actions while she is drinking. Secondly, I don't want to be a controlling boyfriend. Thirdly, I suppose that I hoped that it wouldn't come to that. In my mind I had this fantasy where she would change her habits just knowing how I felt about it - change them because she wants to and for us, not because I force her. Finally, I don't think I would feel very comfortable telling her what she can or cannot do - I believe in her being able to make her own choices, I just wish she would make the ones more agreeable to me.