Non-monogamy and kids, careers?
 

Our umfriend D is about 7 weeks pregnant (and she's got giant boobies! They were huge to begin with but now they're ginormous!) and though it'll be a few years before the kid's able to talk and understand such things, she's already worrying about how to keep any sexual relationship we have at that point under wraps. She's not so much worried about warping her child, I don't think, as much as having him/her blab something in public. She and her husband are both teachers, and having it known in the wrong circles that they have an unconventional marriage would be pretty disastrous.

It's not like we live together, but we are over at their house all the time, and vice versa, and we like to all sleep (really sleep, not "sleep") together sometimes in various configurations. I imagine it'll be pretty easy to keep our "dates" under wraps when she and I get frisky, but casual affection and flirting just kind of sneak out.

So, for those of you who've been through this, how do you keep your kids from spilling the beans? I know some things will naturally have to change, but I'd like to keep the close relationship we have, and I don't want them to get in trouble because a four-year-old tells someone's mommie about Aunt Lurky staying overnight...

Back when I was a young teenager, I used to babysit in the evening for the parents of many of the young kids... Key parties were a big thing in this town, now at age 11 or 12 I had no idea what a key party was, I just knew that the dude that the momma left with wasnt the dude that the momma came home with...

I'm not sure it's the kids you have to worry about - it's the babysitters that knew everything and had all the really good dirt.

So long as you aren't fucking on the dining room table with the neighbours, the kids aren't going to even begin to figure out anything is "odd" until they are maybe 8 or 9, IMO. At that point, there must be a decision made, because she won't be able to keep it from them forever. She'll either give up the "lifestyle" or be pretty open about, explaining to the kids that this is the way she lives her life, there's nothing wrong with it, and to respect the way things are.

Our daughter is 1, we're not begining to be concerned about such things.

They will know....eventually. Long before 8. I recommend honest answers to quiestions......but wait till they ask. Once the situation is relatively clear to kids....tell them its a VERY important secret. If you attempt to hide it, or lie to them....it becomes taboo, and no kid in this world can resist such things.

Highthief has it and Tecoyah has the answer.

Most kids aren't even aware of sex until they are somewhere around 8 or 9. They will be aware that sex is going on.

We live in a very small house. We either wait for a our son to be very much asleep (I don't worry about our daughter yet) or on a sleep over. Sleep over means we can get a bit loud of kinky.

It's just the way of it.

Now, if you have a larger house and the bedrooms are further apart, then you just need to worry about waiting for the kids to go to sleep. Of course, as you guys aren't going to have kids, then I guess you will just have to split babysitter money once the kid is a little older, so you can have sex at your place.

In the end, you are really just going to have to explain the scenario as honestly as possible to the kid.

this made me curious...
this brought up a question for me and maybe you can give me the answer since i don't have children and i ask this not in any way judging, but purely because i'm curious.

I was always under the impression that kids keeping secrets = Bad

Isn't what you're doing teaching a child that keeping a secret, esp. about something sexual is a good thing and something they should do?
Is it fair to have your child keep such a secret?
We spend so much time telling kids not to keep secrets, because secrets can often be unhealthy and for kids to be open about themselves and be proud of themselves and their family, how do you tell your children not to keep secrets about other things but yet in tandem have this one important thing they can't tell anyone? I know life isn't black and white and there are many grey areas, but how can a child diferentiate between a a healthy secret to keep and one they need to speak about?

thanks,

Sweetpea

Well, lurkette, we are in a similiar sitch as well. We DO have a five year old, and when we go out, we have to find a sitter. So far, it's not been an issue. In a few years when she starts understanding a little more about the "facts of life," that may be a bridge we have to cross. Some of our lifestyle friends just tell their kids, and that is the end of that. They obviously tell them to keep it hush-hush, and go from there. I personally wouldn't care if our daughter knew.

As for jobs, they DON'T know, and the won't. They tease me about it some already, even though they don't know.

Not that I'm in that particular situation, but, just a thought:
May I assume that when the kids are up and around, mom and dad aren't necking and groping in the living room with Auntie and Uncle? I would think that it's not much different than when parents had friends over for drinks and porn tapes-kids are either in bed or not home, no?
As far as sleeping over, etc., kids that grow up within a certain lifestyle take it in stride-it's second nature. I suppose one could explain to them that, like certain other things in life, some people just don't like hearing about this or that, so letting the kids know it's no one's business(plus it's not polite to talk about others anyway) seems a bit more diplomatic than saying to them to 'keep the secret'.
Edit: actually, I just had a thought after hitting 'submit'-my kids know I do 'naked pictures' and have websites, but have never seen them nor do they talk about them-it's just something mommy does and they know when my door is closed, find something to do and don't disturb. Kids are resilient, I wouldn't over-worry a hell of a lot.

Basicaly you will have to change the overt behavior if you want to keep this secret form the kids, but for now you have a good number of years before the kid will have any clue. Once they hit about three the sleeping (true sleeping) together should be out and any overt flirting and touching in their presence should be toned down. Treat them like you would treat any vanilla friends when their child is around.

If you really want to keep it secret, once the child is 7-8 I wouldn't do ANY playtime while they are home, asleep or otherwise. I remember being that age, and when my parents had friends over my sister and I would often hang out at the top of the stairs listening, kids hate going to bed when company is over. I'm sure seeing my mom 69ing 'uncle' Bob or whoever woulda been sort of 'scared for life' material.

The problem with the truth is that kids like to talk, kids like to be important, kids like to show off to their friends, and kids are horrible at keeping secrets. Unless you don't care if others know, I'd never tell a child.

We have a winner - this sums up what I wanted to say but couldn't articulate correctly. I think the best play is for them never to know. Lots of people can't keep secrets; kids especially can't keep them.

I think also you have to think about what a child will believe to be "normal"- whatever home life s/he grows up with. Kids think that whatever their home life is like, that's the way everyone's home life is.

It all seems to boil down to how much you want to disclose to your kid. Figure out what kind of moral system the child will be raised with- would any of your activities conflict with it? If the grandparents are taking your child to church every week and s/he's learning about moral standards that conflict with your way of life, then it could be a problem.

Personally, I'd want to tell my child, but I'd spend the first oh... six years of their life figuring out how. Surely you're not the only person in the world that has had this problem- I'd suggest googling the topic and seeing if there's any good advice on it. Also, check out the book section at JT's Stockroom: www.stockroom.com

[QUOTE=Ustwo]

Given that I can remember doing that exact "hanging out on the stairs" thing, I will very much agree with the "scared for life" LOL

If you really want to keep it secret, once the child is 7-8 I wouldn't do ANY playtime while they are home, asleep or otherwise. I remember being that age, and when my parents had friends over my sister and I would often hang out at the top of the stairs listening, kids hate going to bed when company is over. I'm sure seeing my mom 69ing 'uncle' Bob or whoever woulda been sort of 'scared for life' material.