Can you be driven to cheat?
 

Maybe this should be in philosophy... because it's the philosophy of sex... but whatever.

My question:

Can you be driven into the arms of another man/woman because of a neglectful boyfriend/girlfriend? Or is the onus of responsibility fully on you, because it was your choice to cheat instead of ending the relationship?

I have a friend who is guilt ridden because his girlfriend cheated on him multiple times, then convinced him it was his fault because he neglected her.

Thanks!

Personally? Absolutely not. It is against my nature to be unfaithful. Can I understand how others cheat? To some degree, yes. Of course, I can also understand to a point how people kill. Just because I understand something doesn't make it right.

Edit: Infadelity cannot be excused with accusations of neglect. She was wrong, and she aparently isn't remorseful.

Bullshit, she cheated because she wanted to and just used him as an excuse. If she was feeling so neglected, she could've said something or simply broken up with him.

I was neglected by 1 of my exs. I didn't cheat on her. We simply broke up

People who cheat, no matter what their reasons are for cheating, are 100 percent to blame.

A person's reasons for cheating could be varied as the daily stressors of life (I think that was the excuse a friend of mine used), feeling neglected, feeling undesirable... whatever... But instead of talking about whatever the problem is with the person is they are cheating on.. the take the easy way out and cheat.

Cheating with justification in one's head is still cheating... and it's solely on the person who did the cheating..

I could definitely use the excuse that I was driven to cheat on my last boyfriend because he turned neglectful and uncaring and constantly lied and blah blah blah... but I do believe it was my responsibility to end the relationship when it turned this way instead of cheating on him. Even the mere urge to do things with other people should've been a sign that I probably didn't want the relationship anymore anyway.

I've definitely learned form what I've done in the past. I now believe there is absolutely NO excuse for cheating on your significant other. No one "drove" me or "forced" me to cheat, I made the choice -- I have no right to blame another person for that choice.

I would love hear an argument for that case :lol: She must have pulled one hell of a mindfuck on him.

My case is this:
One is driven to a point where one is forced to make a choice. The morality of that choice is clear. No matter what may push this girl to her possition, when she makes that choice, she is aware of breaking a social code.

Though I would hazard a guess that solving this argument wont help your friend. The girl probably critisized and censured this poor guy in every way possible so he's lost his self-esteem and worth.

I hate when this kind of shit happens, it's really tough on everyone.

[edited for really poor gramar]

Easy question for me to answer..


Can you be "driven" to no longer desire your partner? Certainly, that's the nature of relationships.

Can you be "driven" to cheat? Certainly not, that's a personal choice and a personal reaction to a situation. Their behavior doesn't determine whether you follow the moral high ground and end it, or be a lying cheater. Only you do.

Wow. That's some serious mind manipulation there.

Saying something like that is just an excuse for her to absolve herself of the guilt she felt. She needs to take ownership of her own feelings and not blame others for her feelings. If she was unhappy, fix the problem or walk away. It's simple. You don't have to cheat.

Cheating is despicable.

Ace, she's trying to have it both ways. If the relationship sucks, she should leave; but she doesn't want to for some reason. So she cheats _and_ stays in the relationship, and justifies it because he wasn't treating her right. And _still_ stays in the relationship.

A real person addresses the problem with his/her partner, if there is one, or just leaves. They don't use a problem as an excuse to misbehave, or _make up_ a problem so they have an excuse to indulge themselves. Tell your friend to drop her like a red-hot turd.

No one can be driven to cheat. That responsibility lies solely with the cheater.

Wow, your buddy really needs to drop this chick. She sounds like a real wack job.

Your buddy should show his gf this thread. Maybe she'd change her tune.

My husband had an affair because he was getting more attention elsewhere. Many years later, I did the same thing for the same reason.

Cheating is cheating, always... and there is no excuse for it.

(Please note that I don't include couples that are in an open relationship and do not deceive their partners)

That "you drove me to it" excuse is simply a crutch. Those that lean on it do so at the expense of a very hurt partner.

Thanks. My personal answer is, no, by definition, the parameters of my relationship make "cheating" an extraordinarily unlikely thing, and it certainly couldn't happen because of a lack of attention from my partner. For me to "cheat", I'd have to consciously and deliberately choose to deceive and hurt her.

Your buddy's girlfriend's excuse is a cop-out. I'm not saying there's nothing for him to be responsible for, but she's lying to him and herself to say her cheating was his fault.

Cheating is a choice. You can't be forced to make that choice. Your partner can drive you away and make you no longer desire them or want to be with them, but cheating is still cheating, and it's still a choice. So no, you can't be "driven" to cheat.

That girl is pulling a fast one on your buddy. He needs to drop her, fast...

Ahahahahahaha! The infamous "see-what-you-made-me-do" ploy! See JinnKai's response for my own view...

About 5 1/2 yrs ago I was dating a guy. Going into it I told him that I was not looking for a long term relationship, I was basically looking for regular sex. I told him this straight up. After about 4 months, he told me that he loved me, and I started to hardcore flirt with other guys when he wasn't around. That is when I realized that I should break up with him. I didn't cheat on him, I broke up with him before I would have and hurt him even more. I figured that as soon as he said that he loved me, I should break it off before he got any more attached to me, since I was never gonna love him in return.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you are unhappy in a relationship, don't cheat, just break up with them. It saves a lot of heartache in the end.

cheating is about convincing yourself that its 'alright'. everyone knows its not ok to cheat, but its even worse when you convince your partner that he screwed up and is to blame.. wtf?

It takes two to tango.

Confucious say: spouse who cheat playing in rigged game.

Cheating is cheating no matter what. The choice lies with the person who does the cheating, but you can look at what caused the person to cheat. Perhaps lack of attention, no desire, etc.

I've never cheated, but was close, and choose not to. After our 4th was born, I had been working 2 jobs (well for at least 4 years of working 2 jobs). But even before that, my wife had shown little to no attention to me, even though I was working 65 - 70 hrs a week. I thought looking for some sex was the answer, no strings attached sex. My wife wouldn't have ever known if I did, working the long hrs I did, she wouldn't have even guessed. She didn't appreciate what I was doing, nor even care that I wanted to make love with her, so I thought looking for casual sex was the answer. But in reality, it wasn't. Getting closer with my wife, and telling her who I was feeling was the answer, and she understood. I have never mentioned that I thought about it.

So in a nut shell, it's not the partner that causes you to cheat, it's the cheater that makes the decision to do it.

I agree with all the above. Cheating is not something that can be blamed on another person. It is a personal response and is the sole responsibility of the person who made that decision. Relationships can only work when you are able to talk things out instead of running into the arms of another person. It is a cycle that will just end up repeating itself in the life of the cheater. Then, pretty soon, they're all alone in a crappy apartment with child support payments and no one who loves them anymore. I know someone like this.

Only weak people can be driven to anything.

So you're saying that every single person on the planet is weak.

Everyone makes their own decisions.

Wrongful doing is simply that. Cheating, which I would assume to fall under this category shouldn't be given any special status, unless one's life depended on it. Somehow, I find that highly doubtful. Most of what we do functions out of having choices. Even if the relationship you are currently involved proves to be fruitless, you still have the option to leave. The choices and potential end results may not be favorable but granted, they are still choices.

Can someone FEEL driven to cheat, sure. Any unhappy relationship inevitably leads to a desire to fulfill what's missing. Can someone BE driven to cheat? The answer is no. (unless you have a gun to your head, at that point, I think you've got bigger problems than just this moral dilemma). You have options, it is your right and duty to exercise them as "morally correct" as possible.

People like to think that, yes. It's also the most pragmatic way of considering decisions on a small scale, but really only a teeny tiny part of what's actually happening.

You can NOT be driven to cheat. You can only be driven to no longer care for your SO. If that is the case, the cheater is the cowards way out, and the person with a shred of dignity, bravery, and balls, just comes right out and breaks up with the person.

True that... true that.
:thumbsup:

If you've been neglected and mistreated for a long period of time there is no quicker way to find your self esteem again than having a fling or cheating.

Get yourself absorbed into a 'false' situation of warm and fuzzy, but don't for one minute think that it's your ticket to freedom and righteousness... at some stage you'll have to face yourself and the others involved.

I was in a long term relationship for 5 years in college. We would have our good times, we would have our bad times. We broke up twice for like 3 days at a time the whole time we were together. Both times it was over some BS, and both times it was her breaking up with me and getting right back together with me.

We finally broke it off for good and I found out a long time later that the two times we broke up, she went and fucked my roommate. I guess her justification for it was that we were broken up at the time, do I still consider her a dirty whore for it, yes.

I always thought people were nuts when they said once a cheater, always a cheater. People can change, blah blah blah… I knew about my girlfriends past (she had cheated on every one of her boyfriends and one point or another) and I still trusted her.

Tell your friend to get out now.. don’t pass go, don’t collect $200. The pain he is going though now is just going to happen again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Nope. Not at all. If it got to that point, then you either face your SO and break it off, or face them with your issues of neglect.

With my very first girlfriend, I had such a chance. I was horribly mentally abused by this girl, neglected, and made to feel like shit all the time. Her best friend, who was way hotter than her, was all over me- not touching me, but flirting mercilessly. It was bad. She knew my weakness (boobs) and exploited them. Thinking back on the scene she made, I still get goosebumps- that's how good she was, and how bad it was for me. But, despite that, and my feelings of (my SO) "needs to be taught a lesson", I still could not bring myself to cheat.

On that note, if I could have called my SO on the phone and broken up with her right then and there, I could have railed her hot friend like there was no tomorrow. Since I was still officially tied, i couldn't do it.

Side note: My mind also briefly wandered over into "I don't have to let her know we're broken up the moment I decide it... as long as I know the tie is cut, that's enough." Since this seemed specious at best, I still couldn't do it. Damn my morals.

When you've been in a relationship as long as I have, 23 years.
It is on you if you cheat. You love your partner very much but,........
One of you still wants sex 5 times a day and the other partner wants it once a year. :( Got news for you. You won't be happy with the the compromise
after talking to your partner and they promise to love you twice a year.

Sooo you stray then hate yourself but you keep exploring the forbidin.
You clean up nicely and live your double life.

Or, Remember your vows and take them seriously (for better or worse)
And live depressed! :eek:
Love and sex can become separate over time and not be the most important issue.
:cool:

like most people are saying, cheating is inexcusable. But it is understandable. People are weak...break up before it happens, if you want to shag someone else then you shouldn't be in that relationship! (Unless you have an open relationship).

That's the way to put it!

Technically, I disagree with every reply to this thread but really I'm just saying the same thing everyone else said.

People can be driven to doing anything, even cheating. She claims she felt neglected in the relationship and was driven to do something.. She was presented with choices like talking to him and trying to fix things, break up with him, and cheating. he obviouslly didn't choose the best option, multiple times. She's totally to blame, but it doesnt change the fact she was driven to making a choice.

Often though, when you are neglected, you feel as if you are not worthy of being treated with respect. You wouldn't necessarily have the self-esteem to challenge your feelings of neglect... the acceptance of another (cheating) says that you are worthy of respect, you are worth something to someone.

As you have pointed out, the problems you fix by cheating creates a different one altogether... the compromise of your self respect and honour. Analog, you obviously retained your self respect in your situation, kudos to you :)

To regain your self-esteem at the expense of your self respect is a "false" fix. That was my point.

I think if you don't like your relationship, or the person that you're with, you will be more likely to *want* to cheat, but the choice is still 100% yours. You can always control your impulses.. or not.

As I was reading this thread, and everyone said the same thing, I tended to agree. There are very few absolutes in this world where you have *no* choice. Shit happens, and you'll often be presented with a situation, in this case- neglect. But you always have that *choice*. The choice to cheat, to break up with them, etc. Having this choice means if you cheat, it was 100% you- despite the circumstances that led you to the situation.

Seeker does raise an interesting point though- what if at that fatal turning point, you don't see that you do have a choice? If your self-esteem is so horribly damaged that you don't have the ability to make that choice (the choice to call them on it, and either break up or try to resolve the issues in the open), is it still your fault? At that point, I would have so say yes, you can be driven to cheat- but only if you were so weak that you did not realize you had that choice. Your fault then, would be weakness of character, not necessary evil in cheating. I'm not trying to support those that cheat, but I think I do understand where one might truly feel they were driven to cheat.

There are those that cheat in order to make the other feel terrible.

There are those that do it whom think they won't get caught.

There are those who don't care about either of the previous.

In the end it comes down to one thing; choice. One can be driven to cheat I guess but it is eventually that person's own willpower, or lack there of, which pushes them to cheat or not to cheat. So in answer to your question.. It's a choice.

And key, in answer to your question. If you allow your self-esteem to be so damaged that you can't tell weither or not you're making a choice then you've already made a choice; you let someone else run your life or degrade you into a point in which being around them isn't worth your time. At this point you would end the relationship. It's all about choice life ,is full of choices. Life is choices.

We don't need to be driven to it to cheat. Our species is promiscuous by nature. Our divorce rate is something like 50% now and I imagine it would be more like 80% if every time someone cheated there was another divorce. Your friend's girlfriend should admit her promiscuity and stop trying to give him a guilt trip or at least he should recognize it for what it is.

yaboho is the only person that touched on this point of being stuck, and having only but 2 alternatives.. What happens when you've tried endless times to find common ground with your wife/husband, and you get nowhere? What happens when the love is really gone, and two people hate eachother, but have been married for 20 years and have a kid of 22? If you separate, you ruin the kid's life, and if you stay, you are eternally depressed. So how do you deal with that? What are you supposed to do?

i believe it is your own choice. sure the other half that who is there that you cheat with is tempting. but if you really into one person , you wouldnt even look at them twice ? or thinking going beyound then just look at ?
you cant blame your partner because they are not good enough. you should of leave them then i think. or let them know " hey since you are this bad i am gonna go with someone else?
i would understand sometimes you dislike your partner and want to go out find other, but that's not a solution to make yourself happy

I don't think it makes sense. If you are going to cheat on someone, you should just tell them that you don't love them and end the relationship. Because, if you are cheating, that is what you are honestly feeling I think.

what about the quote that someone mentionned earlier?

"It takes two to tango"?

.......Huh?

Are you saying that if someone cheats, it's the SO's fault? Or do you mean the "other" person in the cheater's life?

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being "the other person". You're just enjoying a good time- you're not the one being unfaithful or adulterous. Now, if you know a person is faithful, and intentionally try to get them to cheat, then I think that might be a little dirty.

jebus, if the kid is 22, he's no longer a kid, he's an adult... and if his parents' divorce over their loveless marriage RUINS his life, well... darwin.

My parents divorced when i was 17, after having a loveless marriage for the previous 5 years of their 27 year marriage. My point of view: it was about freakin time.

Jesus taboo, is this the reason he gave you for not leaving his wife for you? And you fell for it. Or is this the reason that you choose to believe to allay the guilt you feel for assisting him in causing trouble to his marriage?

I think your post infers a lot of action on taboo's part... it may or may not be true... perhaps a little more tact is in order?

taboo - I disagree for several reasons.

First off, is it better for the kid do you think if two parents who don't love each other stay together? Or is it better for them to go their seperate ways? Would it be better for the kid if the spouse who's being cheated on found out and the divorce happened that way? Is it worth the risk?

Kids are very resilient and are able to cope with these things. I grew up in a single parent home without my father. For all that it caused me some hurt, I still think it was better for them to do that than to try to stay together on my account - my mum did what was best for her at the time without using me and my sisters as an excuse and in the end it made for a much healthier environment growing up than was likely to have resulted if she'd stayed.

Aside from that, kids are much more observant than most give them credit for and usually know when their parents don't love each other. You're not fooling them, so why use them as an excuse to continue lying?

The fact of the matter is that if you do love someone you will work it out and if you don't you and the other party deserve better than being lied to. A long marriage or kids don't change that.

Martian, you're right, I agree with you.
It's a difficult choice however you put it.

Someone mentionned that being the "other" person
in a cheating relationship is "ok". How do you justify that?

It takes two to tango, but its only one to let go. Cheating is a conscious choice that is made. I don't believe it's possible to justify it by saying that a person has driven you to do it. Things like food and drink and shelter people can't live without. But to me, sex is a priviledge. Of course, I like to think that that brain in our heads makes us better than animals ;)

Well, I do not think it is right to blame cheating entirely on the other person. Or maybe, blame shouldn't be placed at all. The point is, I think it is far more likely for someone to cheat because they are unhappy in their current relationship. As far as ending the relationship, this is the preferable choice. But sometimes people are too scared to end it and be completely alone. They may have a fuck buddy..but there are many different parts to a relationship and just sex does not constitute a relationship. And sometimes, lack of willpower...impulsiveness, might lead people to act in a way they wouldn't usually. I guess I just mean that while it is much more likely that someone will cheat in an unsuccessful relationship they are unhappy with, I do not think it is right to place blame on the significant other.

No, I personally couldn't be driven to cheat by a neglectful girlfriend. I would dump a neglectful girlfriend and start dating a woman who was more appreciative of me, but I absolutely would not cheat.

I do think that other people can be driven to cheat by a neglectful significant other. While I'm sure that it must feel rotten to be neglected, I don't believe that it justifies infidelity. If you would rather be with someone else, break up with your current significant other.

This is not to justify cheating in any way at all, but I imagine, if it were easy to just dump your neglectful SO then more people would be shifting partners left and right..The reality is, however, that people stay in these relationships hanging on to the good times. They cling on to the hope that maybe there is a legitimate reason for the neglect. The begin to excuse their SO's lack of attention, and hope that maybe tomorrow the situation fixes itself. Rarely is this the case.

Nothing justifies cheating on an SO, but on the other side of things, just leaving a current SO to venture into the unknown has never been the easiest of tasks.

it's solely the cheaters responsibility, if they aren't happy cause of something their other did or is or isn't doing they should speak up or divorce not fuck other people behind their back. very juvenile

I love the moral high ground that everyone takes on cheating... like cheating is the most vile thing a human can do...

I've never cheated either, and I suppose it's not a very nice thing to do, but I don't treat someone who cheats worse than someone who commits any other socially unacceptable crime...

Cheaters are people and people are weak. Everybody fails sometimes.

Cheating is a violation of trust and respect for the person that they claimed to have loved... while not the most vile thing someone can do -- it's pretty high on the list.

Everyone has their own reasons for cheating... Just because they can justify it -- doesnt make it right. People can find justifications for pretty much any behavior.

To blame someone else for their own actions is inexcusable. Part of being an adult is accepting responsibilty for one's actions. People screw up all the time... but the burden of that screwing up falls solely on the person who did the screwing - no one else.

[QUOTE=maleficent]Cheating is a violation of trust and respect for the person that they claimed to have loved

People can find justifications for pretty much any behavior.

[QUOTE]

I agree with you 100%. Very well put.

I just always find it funny how secular society formulates their morals...

Everyone seems unanimously agreed that cheaters are jerks. But again, who's to say that cheating is wrong???

Who are YOU to tell me I CAN'T cheat on my wife? Don't pass your baseless judgement on me! You can't tell me what to do! There's no moral code that I have to abide by that tells me that I can't or shouldn't cheat.

That's true, you may say, but it's still wrong... Wrong? Compared to what?
What does wrong mean? Just not acceptable to you...

this is interesting.... :hmm: :)

more thoughts on cheaters....
 

People who cheat show a complete lack of integrity. I know sometimes it can be circumstancial, never to be repeated, but I think it comes down to character.
And frankly, if you lack integrity you're likely to do it again.

How can you claim to care about someone if you knowingly do something to hurt them? And what's the excuse the next time....?

Most people cheat.

Statistically proven fact.

Remember the question wasn't can people chaet. It was can people be driven to cheat. Can someone else's actions and not your own make you be unfaithful?

Yes, and probably not very hard. There's a girl I've been infatuated with for 5 years, and I'm pretty sure if she said "Take me now" I'd be like "Girlfriend who?"

I doubt it would be based on a neglectful girlfriend. It depends. Lots of variables; can't be too neglectful but you can't be too needy and all that. Both are turn offs. I don't think I would cheat based on neglect or what's going on in what relationship, but prior feelings for some one else, and even then it might be iffy.

I've never cheated, and doubt I would, but with that certain girl...

One is "driven" to cheat in the same sense that someone is "driven" to rob a bank, commit murder or sexually assault another individual.

In all cases someone will argue about extenuating circumstances (e.g. "They made fun of me in school", "Mom didn't breast feed me", "I have no self-confidence" etc.).

As long as you're an adult you're responsible for what you do ... don't blame someone else.

You are asking the wrong question. The question to ask is not why girlfriend did what she did, or who is responsible. The question to ask is why your friend would even want to be in a relationship with someone who would treat him like that.
Lindy

It's your choice to cheat. I could think of ONLY one reason that could ever possibly drive me to cheat, and that's an old girlfriend whom I love dearly; but honestly if she came back I'd end it with a current girlfriend instantly.

note 1 - to avoid any debate on the inclusion of the word laws, for purposes of this discussion the definition was meant as [The popular collection of rules passed by the majority of people living in an area]

-tenchi

hmmm... I would find myself coming accross this quite interesting.

I suppose you could ask what is neglectful. Such as ignoring her/not doing anything with her. Or is it more of an excuse to cheat? That she finds certain situations that could be used in her arguement and takes it to the extreme? And I also think your buddy might be blaming the wrong person. Shes just trying to make herself feel better because she feels guilty about what she did and blames him. People get blamed because it's hard for someone to take responsibility for their actions so its easier to blame.

Personally, I don't think anyone could be conciously driven to cheat. I think its more of a last ditch effort to change something or it could be to gain the attention of someone else. More of the last reason than anything IMO.

Exactly.

We cheat cause it's fun.

It's the thrill of the new body, unfamiliar territory, pleasure calling, sliding off those panties for the first time and beholding heaven's gate.

It's really quite simple. Sex is pleasurable. People enjoy thrills. Sex with a new partner is thrilling AND pleasurable.

Most men who cheat have no intention in the world of leaving their wife / GF.

Women however, are probably on the verge of leaving their husband / BF when they cheat.

You can have a guy who is in a completely satisfying marriage in every way shape and form. She's beautiful, smart, horny as hell, a good mother, great cook, good job, you name it, the list is endless and her husband will still have sex with another female if the opportunity presents itself.

Reminds me of Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction. He had it all, but he still wanted to fuck Glenn Close.

I personally believe that cheating is a choice. The person cheating may cite reasons to justify their behavior to themselves and others. This may be to save face or to make it "ok" with themselves, but when it comes down to it, the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the person who made the choice to cheat.

Sometime you can not see the neglect for what it is.

I am proud to say that I would not cheat if presented with such a catch :D. Then again .. I am the one being dumped all the time :lol:.

I unfortunately can say that I have strayed, but I take full responsibility for my actions ......... how on earth could I blame my husband?!

I learnt a very valuable lesson.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would or could.

I love my husband - did not want to end our relationship, but something was obviously missing from my life. We don't always choose the best avenues.

But it was Glenn Close...SHE'S A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR!!!!

Anyways...

The last relationship I was in, I thought was great..until I found out he was pretty much sleeping with the entire gay population of the city, while I was working 2 jobs, going to school and barely had time to sleep. He tried to say it was all my fault, for working too much and going to school full time to better myself and pay for what turned out to be all his drug use. Yeah he was a keeper!

The worst part, for me, was the fact that I didn't even see that it was going on. Well that and the fact that he blamed me for it, and for a minute I believed it.

sorry if my grammar is a bit crappy...it's late and I'm sleepy.

>>>I have a friend who is guilt ridden because his girlfriend cheated on him multiple times, then convinced him it was his fault because he neglected her.>>>

Your friend is at fault 100%. When you are in a relationship and you say I love you, that means that you show it. If your friend started neglecting her, then he should have broken up with her first. Her cheating is just karma for his neglecting.

Jonathan

Interesting take... it's not the girl's fault at all? You make it sound like it's ok to cheat as a revenge tactic.

No. They are just trying to hide their own lack of judgement behind an excuse.

And the fact that she was in a relationship and obviously didn't care for the guy means nothing? Why couldn't she have broken up with him if she was unhappy with being neglected? Which, btw, is what SHE said, possibly not what actually happened. If he did neglect her and she was put off enough to cheat then I'd assume she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, so why couldn't she have just told the guy? I'm surprised you would put all the blame on the guy solely based on her justification for cheating.

*shrug* But I’m rather biased against cheaters.

Man I was so close to cheating on my wife so many times over the years it's crazy. It had a lot to do with how she treated me and didn't take care of me....BUT I always did the right thing and stayed faithful the entire time.

Finally I decided that if the opportunity to cheap came along again I would take it...it was a concious choice. Then I decided not to harm my personal integrity and told her that we had to split up or I was gonna cheat on her.

We split...now I can do as I please with a clear concience.

The one thing that is certain in life is that other than in situations of coercion, we are all responsible for our own acts.

The route to cheating has many, many chances to say "no!" - right up to the moment of copulation.

Honestly- I've been there. Of course I felt neglected by my then husband....my self esteem was so shot, I had never been so down and depressed in my life. But I can't give blame to my bad marriage for what I did. I made a poor choice. I basically acted upon wanting what I wasn't getting in my marriage. But- it always makes it worse, not better. Not worth it. I've learned from my experience and told myself that I am better than that and promised myself I would never stoop that low again.
So the girl has a valid point, but cheating is DEFINATELY not a way to make their relationship better. She was doing it to feel better and to get his attention. But I am pretty sure nothing good has come out of that. Sucker for staying with her.

If my spouse doesn't want me, why should I stay sexless ?

lol, if a person has a low sex drive and doesn't value the experience or think it important to a relationship why should they care if their partner gets it elsewhere ?

You could always-- I dunno'-- Find out why your partner has had a sudden decrease in his/her sex drive instead of running out and finding someone else. Besides, I'm a strong believer in karma; What comes around goes around.

Anywho, if you asked me this question a few months ago I would have said that you can be driven to cheat, but I'm not that naive anymore. Unless someone holds a gun to your head and forces you to cheat, then it's a conscious decision to do so. If you're relationship is going that badly, then you should be responsible enough to end it before going out and sleeping with someone else.

I had "karmatic paranoia". I was so afraid and honestly expecting it to happen to me. But I know that karma doesn't always have to be an exact repeat of what you did- it's an experience that will definately remind you of your past choices, though.

I think if there is something missing in your life, I think you would want to find a way to fullfill it. However, if it is sex or no communication in a relationship, shouldn't you work on that first?

I don't know. I guess I look at things in a simple way or from my simple mind! :D I'd first work out the problem and if it couldn't be fixed....and you have exhausted your resources, end it.

But, I'm sure that was too simple! :lol:

I love my partner and do believe he loves me.Our sex life however is the total pits imho and steadily getting worse as time goes on.We've talked over the issue many times, he denies any issues with me that might be impeding his desire levels, he had a physical and everything checked out fine. All talking things over seems to do is to make things even more strained in the sexual arena.He has quite the eye for and appreactes viewing younger women and porn, he obviously likes sex and all things sexual, just as long as they don't involve me.

The problem here is that the other aspects of the relationship are good and would probably be excellent if there weren't sexual issues.At this point I'm considering proposing that we simply eliminate sex from our relationship entirely, both parties free to find their own outletsbe it masterbation, cyber sex or actual discrete extra marital partner sex.Masterbation is a lot better than sex that feels like obligatory,rote mercy sex imho.

I have no intention of cheating and will honor my promise and remain sexless save for masterbation but I now really understand why people cheat.

What you call revenge, I call justice. Lessons need to be taught that you can't neglect someone you said you love. Yes it takes two to tango. I don't know all the details of this situation, but it sounds like he did the neglecting first and that's a big sin in my book.

Jonathan

Men will long to cheat because we are men. If you do or not is up to the man in question. Some will always cheat, others will never, but the desire for polygamy is in our genes, after all we can have a couple of kids a day and we are decended from men who cheated.

This isn't an excuse, murder is also a natural inclination of males and we don't condone or allow that to go unpunished.

Women will cheat if they feel that there man is somehow inferior. Cuckholding is a way to have the security of a pair bond while mating with a superior male. Its having your cake and eating it too.

If through inattention a pair bond is weak it can drive either sex to seek out their own nature and cheat. Also if a male low status or the female 'lets her self' go physically, this too can trigger the desire to cheat. Finally some people are of such character that they will cheat reguardless, this is more true of men than women.

Very interesting thread.
My wife cheated on me 22 years ago, with my brother. I decided (after long thought) to try to save our relationship. We went to counseling and after a handfull of visits I was told it was my fault. Needless to say that was the end of counseling.
We worked on things, we argued and we cried. We managed to save our relationship.
I was so devastated at the time that I am still not able to find adequate words to describe the pain and anger.
Over the years we "rebuilt" our relationship and are approaching our 26th anniversary.
Here's the the deal. She knew she was wrong and paid a very high price emotionally and physically. Anorexia brought on by guilt that almost killed her. She wasn't "driven" to it. It was partially due to drugs (which he supplied her) and not really thinking about the actual implications of actions.
So here I am all these years later and have started counseling because these memories started coming back and have me severely depressed.

At any rate, I do not believe you can be driven. It is still a choice, judgement may be impaired but it's still a choice you have to take responsibility for. As for the "once a cheater always a cheater" folks, I don't buy that. I've lived through it.
Sorry for rambling on.

Peace