We don't need to be driven to it to cheat. Our species is promiscuous by nature. Our divorce rate is something like 50% now and I imagine it would be more like 80% if every time someone cheated there was another divorce. Your friend's girlfriend should admit her promiscuity and stop trying to give him a guilt trip or at least he should recognize it for what it is.

yaboho is the only person that touched on this point of being stuck, and having only but 2 alternatives.. What happens when you've tried endless times to find common ground with your wife/husband, and you get nowhere? What happens when the love is really gone, and two people hate eachother, but have been married for 20 years and have a kid of 22? If you separate, you ruin the kid's life, and if you stay, you are eternally depressed. So how do you deal with that? What are you supposed to do?

i believe it is your own choice. sure the other half that who is there that you cheat with is tempting. but if you really into one person , you wouldnt even look at them twice ? or thinking going beyound then just look at ?
you cant blame your partner because they are not good enough. you should of leave them then i think. or let them know " hey since you are this bad i am gonna go with someone else?
i would understand sometimes you dislike your partner and want to go out find other, but that's not a solution to make yourself happy

I don't think it makes sense. If you are going to cheat on someone, you should just tell them that you don't love them and end the relationship. Because, if you are cheating, that is what you are honestly feeling I think.

what about the quote that someone mentionned earlier?

"It takes two to tango"?

.......Huh?

Are you saying that if someone cheats, it's the SO's fault? Or do you mean the "other" person in the cheater's life?

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being "the other person". You're just enjoying a good time- you're not the one being unfaithful or adulterous. Now, if you know a person is faithful, and intentionally try to get them to cheat, then I think that might be a little dirty.

jebus, if the kid is 22, he's no longer a kid, he's an adult... and if his parents' divorce over their loveless marriage RUINS his life, well... darwin.

My parents divorced when i was 17, after having a loveless marriage for the previous 5 years of their 27 year marriage. My point of view: it was about freakin time.

Jesus taboo, is this the reason he gave you for not leaving his wife for you? And you fell for it. Or is this the reason that you choose to believe to allay the guilt you feel for assisting him in causing trouble to his marriage?

I think your post infers a lot of action on taboo's part... it may or may not be true... perhaps a little more tact is in order?

taboo - I disagree for several reasons.

First off, is it better for the kid do you think if two parents who don't love each other stay together? Or is it better for them to go their seperate ways? Would it be better for the kid if the spouse who's being cheated on found out and the divorce happened that way? Is it worth the risk?

Kids are very resilient and are able to cope with these things. I grew up in a single parent home without my father. For all that it caused me some hurt, I still think it was better for them to do that than to try to stay together on my account - my mum did what was best for her at the time without using me and my sisters as an excuse and in the end it made for a much healthier environment growing up than was likely to have resulted if she'd stayed.

Aside from that, kids are much more observant than most give them credit for and usually know when their parents don't love each other. You're not fooling them, so why use them as an excuse to continue lying?

The fact of the matter is that if you do love someone you will work it out and if you don't you and the other party deserve better than being lied to. A long marriage or kids don't change that.

Martian, you're right, I agree with you.
It's a difficult choice however you put it.

Someone mentionned that being the "other" person
in a cheating relationship is "ok". How do you justify that?

It takes two to tango, but its only one to let go. Cheating is a conscious choice that is made. I don't believe it's possible to justify it by saying that a person has driven you to do it. Things like food and drink and shelter people can't live without. But to me, sex is a priviledge. Of course, I like to think that that brain in our heads makes us better than animals ;)

Well, I do not think it is right to blame cheating entirely on the other person. Or maybe, blame shouldn't be placed at all. The point is, I think it is far more likely for someone to cheat because they are unhappy in their current relationship. As far as ending the relationship, this is the preferable choice. But sometimes people are too scared to end it and be completely alone. They may have a fuck buddy..but there are many different parts to a relationship and just sex does not constitute a relationship. And sometimes, lack of willpower...impulsiveness, might lead people to act in a way they wouldn't usually. I guess I just mean that while it is much more likely that someone will cheat in an unsuccessful relationship they are unhappy with, I do not think it is right to place blame on the significant other.

No, I personally couldn't be driven to cheat by a neglectful girlfriend. I would dump a neglectful girlfriend and start dating a woman who was more appreciative of me, but I absolutely would not cheat.

I do think that other people can be driven to cheat by a neglectful significant other. While I'm sure that it must feel rotten to be neglected, I don't believe that it justifies infidelity. If you would rather be with someone else, break up with your current significant other.

This is not to justify cheating in any way at all, but I imagine, if it were easy to just dump your neglectful SO then more people would be shifting partners left and right..The reality is, however, that people stay in these relationships hanging on to the good times. They cling on to the hope that maybe there is a legitimate reason for the neglect. The begin to excuse their SO's lack of attention, and hope that maybe tomorrow the situation fixes itself. Rarely is this the case.

Nothing justifies cheating on an SO, but on the other side of things, just leaving a current SO to venture into the unknown has never been the easiest of tasks.

it's solely the cheaters responsibility, if they aren't happy cause of something their other did or is or isn't doing they should speak up or divorce not fuck other people behind their back. very juvenile

I love the moral high ground that everyone takes on cheating... like cheating is the most vile thing a human can do...

I've never cheated either, and I suppose it's not a very nice thing to do, but I don't treat someone who cheats worse than someone who commits any other socially unacceptable crime...

Cheaters are people and people are weak. Everybody fails sometimes.

Cheating is a violation of trust and respect for the person that they claimed to have loved... while not the most vile thing someone can do -- it's pretty high on the list.

Everyone has their own reasons for cheating... Just because they can justify it -- doesnt make it right. People can find justifications for pretty much any behavior.

To blame someone else for their own actions is inexcusable. Part of being an adult is accepting responsibilty for one's actions. People screw up all the time... but the burden of that screwing up falls solely on the person who did the screwing - no one else.

[QUOTE=maleficent]Cheating is a violation of trust and respect for the person that they claimed to have loved

People can find justifications for pretty much any behavior.

[QUOTE]

I agree with you 100%. Very well put.

I just always find it funny how secular society formulates their morals...

Everyone seems unanimously agreed that cheaters are jerks. But again, who's to say that cheating is wrong???

Who are YOU to tell me I CAN'T cheat on my wife? Don't pass your baseless judgement on me! You can't tell me what to do! There's no moral code that I have to abide by that tells me that I can't or shouldn't cheat.

That's true, you may say, but it's still wrong... Wrong? Compared to what?
What does wrong mean? Just not acceptable to you...

this is interesting.... :hmm: :)

more thoughts on cheaters....
 

People who cheat show a complete lack of integrity. I know sometimes it can be circumstancial, never to be repeated, but I think it comes down to character.
And frankly, if you lack integrity you're likely to do it again.

How can you claim to care about someone if you knowingly do something to hurt them? And what's the excuse the next time....?

Most people cheat.

Statistically proven fact.

Remember the question wasn't can people chaet. It was can people be driven to cheat. Can someone else's actions and not your own make you be unfaithful?

Yes, and probably not very hard. There's a girl I've been infatuated with for 5 years, and I'm pretty sure if she said "Take me now" I'd be like "Girlfriend who?"

I doubt it would be based on a neglectful girlfriend. It depends. Lots of variables; can't be too neglectful but you can't be too needy and all that. Both are turn offs. I don't think I would cheat based on neglect or what's going on in what relationship, but prior feelings for some one else, and even then it might be iffy.

I've never cheated, and doubt I would, but with that certain girl...

One is "driven" to cheat in the same sense that someone is "driven" to rob a bank, commit murder or sexually assault another individual.

In all cases someone will argue about extenuating circumstances (e.g. "They made fun of me in school", "Mom didn't breast feed me", "I have no self-confidence" etc.).

As long as you're an adult you're responsible for what you do ... don't blame someone else.

You are asking the wrong question. The question to ask is not why girlfriend did what she did, or who is responsible. The question to ask is why your friend would even want to be in a relationship with someone who would treat him like that.
Lindy

It's your choice to cheat. I could think of ONLY one reason that could ever possibly drive me to cheat, and that's an old girlfriend whom I love dearly; but honestly if she came back I'd end it with a current girlfriend instantly.

note 1 - to avoid any debate on the inclusion of the word laws, for purposes of this discussion the definition was meant as [The popular collection of rules passed by the majority of people living in an area]

-tenchi

hmmm... I would find myself coming accross this quite interesting.

I suppose you could ask what is neglectful. Such as ignoring her/not doing anything with her. Or is it more of an excuse to cheat? That she finds certain situations that could be used in her arguement and takes it to the extreme? And I also think your buddy might be blaming the wrong person. Shes just trying to make herself feel better because she feels guilty about what she did and blames him. People get blamed because it's hard for someone to take responsibility for their actions so its easier to blame.

Personally, I don't think anyone could be conciously driven to cheat. I think its more of a last ditch effort to change something or it could be to gain the attention of someone else. More of the last reason than anything IMO.

Exactly.

We cheat cause it's fun.

It's the thrill of the new body, unfamiliar territory, pleasure calling, sliding off those panties for the first time and beholding heaven's gate.

It's really quite simple. Sex is pleasurable. People enjoy thrills. Sex with a new partner is thrilling AND pleasurable.

Most men who cheat have no intention in the world of leaving their wife / GF.

Women however, are probably on the verge of leaving their husband / BF when they cheat.

You can have a guy who is in a completely satisfying marriage in every way shape and form. She's beautiful, smart, horny as hell, a good mother, great cook, good job, you name it, the list is endless and her husband will still have sex with another female if the opportunity presents itself.

Reminds me of Michael Douglas in Fatal Attraction. He had it all, but he still wanted to fuck Glenn Close.

I personally believe that cheating is a choice. The person cheating may cite reasons to justify their behavior to themselves and others. This may be to save face or to make it "ok" with themselves, but when it comes down to it, the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the person who made the choice to cheat.

Sometime you can not see the neglect for what it is.

I am proud to say that I would not cheat if presented with such a catch :D. Then again .. I am the one being dumped all the time :lol:.

I unfortunately can say that I have strayed, but I take full responsibility for my actions ......... how on earth could I blame my husband?!

I learnt a very valuable lesson.

I never in my wildest dreams thought I would or could.

I love my husband - did not want to end our relationship, but something was obviously missing from my life. We don't always choose the best avenues.

But it was Glenn Close...SHE'S A FAMOUS MOVIE STAR!!!!

Anyways...

The last relationship I was in, I thought was great..until I found out he was pretty much sleeping with the entire gay population of the city, while I was working 2 jobs, going to school and barely had time to sleep. He tried to say it was all my fault, for working too much and going to school full time to better myself and pay for what turned out to be all his drug use. Yeah he was a keeper!

The worst part, for me, was the fact that I didn't even see that it was going on. Well that and the fact that he blamed me for it, and for a minute I believed it.

sorry if my grammar is a bit crappy...it's late and I'm sleepy.

>>>I have a friend who is guilt ridden because his girlfriend cheated on him multiple times, then convinced him it was his fault because he neglected her.>>>

Your friend is at fault 100%. When you are in a relationship and you say I love you, that means that you show it. If your friend started neglecting her, then he should have broken up with her first. Her cheating is just karma for his neglecting.

Jonathan

Interesting take... it's not the girl's fault at all? You make it sound like it's ok to cheat as a revenge tactic.

No. They are just trying to hide their own lack of judgement behind an excuse.

And the fact that she was in a relationship and obviously didn't care for the guy means nothing? Why couldn't she have broken up with him if she was unhappy with being neglected? Which, btw, is what SHE said, possibly not what actually happened. If he did neglect her and she was put off enough to cheat then I'd assume she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore, so why couldn't she have just told the guy? I'm surprised you would put all the blame on the guy solely based on her justification for cheating.

*shrug* But I’m rather biased against cheaters.

Man I was so close to cheating on my wife so many times over the years it's crazy. It had a lot to do with how she treated me and didn't take care of me....BUT I always did the right thing and stayed faithful the entire time.

Finally I decided that if the opportunity to cheap came along again I would take it...it was a concious choice. Then I decided not to harm my personal integrity and told her that we had to split up or I was gonna cheat on her.

We split...now I can do as I please with a clear concience.

The one thing that is certain in life is that other than in situations of coercion, we are all responsible for our own acts.

The route to cheating has many, many chances to say "no!" - right up to the moment of copulation.