Strange drama in my life, someone set me straight - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Camstyn · 11-08-2005, 11:52 AM

Warning, this may be long winded..

There's a girl (J) I've known for about 5 years or so, friend of a friend. I first met her while she was briefly dating one of my friends (A).
When I first met her I felt there was a bit of sexual tension between us, she liked to flirt and tease me but I never made any moves as at first she was dating my buddy, and after that, well, partially out of respect for him and partially because she went on to date someone else almost immediately after they ceased.

So she's been 'one of the boys' since then in my small circle of close friends. I've always had a bit of a thing for her but as we became closer friends, her flirting stopped and that was that. We've been pretty close for a while now. She's had several boyfriends in the mean time.

After she broke up with one of her boyfriends, a couple of years ago, we slept together. Nothing romantic or sexual, although I would have liked that. It was out of convenience, and we shared a bed one night. I made a couple small advances to test the water and was met with cool response so nothing happened.

This never really changed anything in our relationship, although I thought it might be worth mentioning.. Because she knows that I wanted there to be something more, but was content with the way things were. I wasn't sure of what kind of message she was sending by sleeping with me, and still don't get it. But I digress..

Fast forward until a few months ago. She was having personal problems so I invited her to come with me on a boating poker run, which included a big fancy dinner, awards ceremony afterwards. She wanted to come so I bought her a ticket. On the weekend that this was on, a friend who used to hang out with us and had since moved an hour away, was back in town to visit. They visited on Friday night, and Saturday she came with me on the boat.

Everyone was having a good time, but on the way back on the boat, she acted as though I had not informed her of the dinner banquet, and this was a problem because this other friend was returning home later this day. Now I could have sworn I told her about all of this. I played it cool and offered to her that I could have sworn I told her about this, and if I hadn't it was becaues I assumed she knew, since my other friends and I had talked a lot about this day while in her company.

So anywho.. I told her that she can do whatever she pleases, she's welcome to come to the banquet but of course she's not my prisoner and she is free to do as she likes. At this point she turned it into a fight, told me that I was calling her a liar, and she wasn't coming now because I'm being an asshole. This baffled me as I can swear to you, I was being completely nice about it and hiding my frustration deep down inside. Now this really irked me, and I basically said, "I can't believe you would ditch me like this. We had plans. You knew about them. This is complete bullshit, I don't deserve this." etc. etc. She called me some names, so I told her she was a bitch, and blah blah blah, big fight. It blew up big time. The day was shot and so was our relationship at this point, I couldn't believe she would act this way. I dropped her off at her car and told her to have a nice life, and good luck finding some other chump that she can ditch.

I was fuming mad after this.. I couldn't believe how selfish and self-serving she was.. It made sense with a lot of things she had done to other people up to this point but I thought she had more respect for me than to do this. It all started to add up and boil and I began to realize how wrong I was about her. I was very upset about this to the point of tears, as I thought she was a good friend and this is how I get treated for trying to do her a favor, trying to bring her out of her emotional funk.

Later that night I hung out with A, who has long been one of my best friends and also has been hers, after the two of them didn't work out romantically. I needed someone to talk to.. He told me that he was talking to her a couple of days earlier and she had mentioned to him that she was not sure if she wanted to go anymore.. He had told her that I paid a lot of money for her ticket, and that there was a big banquet and everything. So now I confirmed that she knew all along and the BS on the boat was just that, BS. I was happy to hear that it was confirmed I was not incorrect in this fact, but it made my blood boil even more about her.. Why would she lie about it, why did she turn it into a fight rather than just excuse herself from the banquet, etc.

So I was angry and upset for a few days. At one point, after thinking about it too much, I decided to send her a text message, telling her to have a nice life, I didn't want to be a part of it for any longer, that I'd miss the friendship that I once thought we had and I was a changed person from this.

Now this is no bull, this whole scene made a real mess out of my life for a while, emotionally. I learned a lot from this experience and I'd have to say I'm changed from it.. A little wiser but a lot more jaded.

So I don't talk to her for about three months. I'm not upset about what happened anymore, I figure it was a good lesson learned and now I know the real her. I'm no longer upset, just angry. Now Al starts trying to get us to be friends again, by inviting both me and her out with him to go for coffee, etc. It was like I told him, I don't care if she is there, I'm not going to be immature and hide from her, but I have nothing to say to her. That's how it's been.. I've seen her a few times now and basically give her the cold shoulder but not to the point of completely ignoring her. She's not one of my friends anymore as far as I'm concerned, so I treat her like an associate that I have ill feelings towards, which is the way it is for me.

Now on the weekend, A wanted to go for dinner and then go over to our buddy S's house to watch the hockey game. J came with him. This was fine, I just wanted to get out of the house and do something social. So we do this, and she's sitting between us on the couch watching the hockey game after dinner, and whenever she'd get up and sit back down close to me she'd try to joke about "oops, sorry, that's way too close" etc. No big deal just being sarcastic and making light of the tension between us.

So after the hockey game we come over to my place, and drink beer in my shop with a couple of other friends, BSing. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that I felt some sexual tension between us again like there was when we first met.. She was flirting and teasing a bit, and made reference of sleeping with me again, seemingly only half joking.

Now this seems foolish, but I think that perhaps by me shutting her out after what she did, she may have gained some respect for me. That seemed to be a big part of her problem, not having the respect she should for her close friends and thinking she could walk all over them. My buddy A is partly to blame for this because he lets her walk all over him, she's got him completely pussy whipped and he acts like a fool in love, while they simply share a friends only relationship. I think he's still in love with her although has 'settled' for what he's getting.

Now to get to the point.. The recent sexual tension. If all our mutual friends weren't there I think something could have happened between us the other night. Let me just set it straight, I don't have any desire to have a friends only relationship with her again. Not with the way she treats most of her friends. On the other hand she seems to treat her boyfriends on a whole other level.

What should I do? I see my options as:

a) keep her shut out of my life

b) try to get in her pants

As I said I'm not interested in calling her up just to go hang out. I'm still angry with her. There's a lot of repair that needs to be done before I would be her friend again. I think if option B were successful it might do a lot to resolve my problem with her, since it would be new territory between us and it would kind of change everything.

option A seems like the smart thing to do..

Now I don't understand how women's brains work. Were her most recent actions an invitation for me to consider option B? Or is she just playing games and should I forget about it? Or is it another ploy to manipulate me?

@#$#@%

Glory's Sun · 11-08-2005, 11:58 AM

what should you do??

option B then A

WillyPete · 11-08-2005, 12:00 PM

I think it's time for a little tit-for-tat.
Some words of wisdom I once heard:
"Bend her over a chair and shove it up her butt, she'll thank you for it later."

Just kidding.
If it's reciprocated and you KNOW you're not gonna get hooked, then treat it as sex for sex's sake.

The other option is you saying you don't want anything to do with her. If it were really the case, you wouldn't even consider b as an option.

Face it, you like her, at least on the physical level. Anything else is denial.

Camstyn · 11-08-2005, 12:05 PM

You're right, I like her, but I'm bitter towards how she treated me before. It's like they say, 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.'

I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman if things were different from how they were before.

But, I have no intentions of making myself vulnerable to being taken advantage of by her again.

WillyPete · 11-08-2005, 12:25 PM

No, you ARE vulnerable right now.
You are facing insecurity and doubt about yourself and her. That, my friend, is vulnerability.

I'm not saying you should be all "My will be done and the rest be damned!" about it, just decide what you can expect from her.

Take what she offers at its face value. If she wants more than just a physical relationship, well, she'll have to convince you and build up some trust.

Truth be told, you're fretting so much about it that she'll pick up on you acting unnatural and nothing will happen.

c172g · 11-08-2005, 12:31 PM

Go for the sex. Revenge sex is fantastic! As long as you can walk away from her when it's cleanup time, you'll be good to go. Do not attempt it if there is any chance you're going to desire a relationship. She has a lot of growing up to do.

WillyPete says face it, you like her...I somewhat agreee, but I also think you can be sexually attracted to someone & desire sex without anything beyond that. I'd love to nail a lot of hot actresses & models, but after hearing an interview with a few of them there's not much upstairs to work with. Go for the sex, get as down & dirty as you can & call it a day. If that doesn't happen, you've lost nothing anyway.

Camstyn · 11-08-2005, 12:43 PM

Hold on, just to clarify..

I don't think I have any insecurities or doubt about myself at all. The only thing I'm insure of, factually, is what her intentions are in regards to her recent flirting. We were a bit drunk at the time. My opinion of her changed when our friendship imploded but it hasn't waivered since, including now.

From what I've gathered, she needs to get fucked, hard. I think she knows that with the tension between us I'd drill her six ways from sunday. I think I'm going to dangle the carrot a bit, so to speak, and see if she goes after it.

Now I just fight with myself a little bit about if I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking she could have it.. But I guess the better thing to do, if I want to continue to be bitter, is to stuff her like a thanksgiving turkey and then send her packing.

Bill O'Rights · 11-08-2005, 01:39 PM

Or...is she the one dangling the carrot? Who's going after what?

All I'm saying here is; she bats her eyelashes, and you seem ready to drop your drawers at the drop of her hat. Consider...she could be pulling a power play, and she has the most powerful "weapon" of all.

Camstyn · 11-08-2005, 02:01 PM

Good observation Bill, that's what I've been thinking too.. And it very well may be, but I question whether or not I'd be serving my own best interest by not banging the bajeesus out of her, or a revenge fuck as someone else so eloquently put it. I would have served that up on a platter before but I've had no other reason to contact her, and now the opportunity appears as though it may have arisen. It's not like I wouldn't have fucked her a month ago but would now, now that she's being 'back'.

Now I tend to agree with what you suggest, but batting her eyelashes at me isn't going to make me forgive or forget anything.

rsl12 · 11-08-2005, 02:12 PM

Why would you want a girl like this as a girlfriend? You say that she treats boyfriends differently than regular old friends, but why in the world would she? Seems to me that she assumes her friends are gullible idiots who believe blatant big lies. You're saying that she wouldn't think her boyfriend was as gullible, just by virtue of being a boyfriend? It makes very little sense, based on what you've described.

Now then, you're sexually attracted to her--fine. The best thing, if you ask me, is to take a very honest approach. Next time you're flirting and you manage to find yourselves alone for a few minutes, you might want to bring it up--say something along the lines of, "you know J that I find you really sexy, and I've love to nail you on this table right now." See how she responds--if it's generally in a favorable way, you can then add, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that that's all I really want--no strings. You hurt me really badly, you know."

If you're really bent on being a boyfriend and not a regular friend, you can change that second line to read, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that I can only do so if we're together in a relationship."

Yakk · 11-08-2005, 02:14 PM

I'd suspect she's just seeing if she has power over you.

If your history is accurate (and, be honest -- is it? Memory is tricky, it is hard not to make yourself look better/worse), then I have a model of this lady. It may be wrong. But...

The lady puts on a play. She likes to look good in this play, and make others look bad.

Two acts in this play are above.

In the first act, she got upset at you for calling her a liar, and pressuring her into going to a banquet that she never knew about. Note that you being a liar and her being the innocent harrassed victem makes her look good and you look bad.

In the second, incomplete, act, she flirts in a completely deniable fashon, induces you to make a move, then rejects you. This turns your rejection of her into her rejecting you.

She's bad mojo.

Stay away from bad people if you have the choice. There are many good, decent, nice people out there.

rsl12 · 11-08-2005, 02:18 PM

Good point Yakk. On that note, if you take my advice, be prepared for rejection--be prepared to say, "Well, you are really beautiful to look at. Sorry I misread you."

Camstyn · 11-08-2005, 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rsl12

Why would you want a girl like this as a girlfriend? You say that she treats boyfriends differently than regular old friends, but why in the world would she? Seems to me that she assumes her friends are gullible idiots who believe blatant big lies. You're saying that she wouldn't think her boyfriend was as gullible, just by virtue of being a boyfriend? It makes very little sense, based on what you've described.

It doesn't make much sense to me either, but I can tell you she doesn't play the same games with her boyfriends as she does her other friends. I suppose it's more of how she treats our friend 'A' who allows her to walk all over him. I see this a lot because quite/most often I am with the two of them together. She never really did anything like that to me until the boating incident, I guess she misjudged me and thought I might be like 'A'. I don't know if she was testing the waters or what but I've never been one to tolerate getting taken advantage of.

Quote:

Now then, you're sexually attracted to her--fine. The best thing, if you ask me, is to take a very honest approach. Next time you're flirting and you manage to find yourselves alone for a few minutes, you might want to bring it up--say something along the lines of, "you know J that I find you really sexy, and I've love to nail you on this table right now." See how she responds--if it's generally in a favorable way, you can then add, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that that's all I really want--no strings. You hurt me really badly, you know."

If you're really bent on being a boyfriend and not a regular friend, you can change that second line to read, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that I can only do so if we're together in a relationship."

I'm not bent on being her boyfriend at all.. I'm just not interested in going back to becoming one of her 'friend' friends.

Yakk, I can understand if I'm being truthful with the history that I described. I can assure you 100% that I have not exaggerated anything to make her look worse or myself look better in the events that happened. I can't recall exactly word for word what our exchange were but it was definitely very close to what I said, and the exact order of events as well. It's like I told 'A' after it happened.. She may very well conjure up a different side to the story, considering how she just proved herself a liar to me. I wasn't going to ask anyone to take my side, and their friendship with her is between them and what happened with us shouldn't change anything with theirs. In fact, she did conjure up some unbelievable "details" about what happened that actually never did happen. I know I am not dilusional or insane and I know what happened, and I have no reason to stretch any aspect of the truth.

Now I very much agree with your comment about staying away from bad people, and that's why I have shut her out for this long. I guess I still have a bit of a hard time discerning if she is a bad person, or just made a mistake. I always thought she was a very good person up until she betrayed me.. But you're quite likely right, maybe I just was seeing her through rose colored glasses before.

Thanks for the advice guys, I definitely don't want to put myself in the situation that gives her power over me, even if in the form of rejection.

Mantus · 11-08-2005, 03:47 PM

Yah, I would pick both B and A

WillyPete · 11-08-2005, 03:50 PM

Tell her you'll call her in the morning.

They always fall for that one.

Redlemon · 11-09-2005, 07:09 AM

I don't see the point in using sex as a weapon. Either be her friend, or ignore her, but don't fuck-n-dump her. If a fuck-n-dump makes you feel better about yourself, check your priorities.

tooth · 11-09-2005, 07:21 AM

A

She's bad news. She flat out lied to you, and started a fight about it. She's playing big time games with you. Make it a point not to ever socialize with her.

Jinn · 11-09-2005, 07:44 AM

A little B.. some B... B..B..B...B....B B B B B B B BB.... A.

I'm voting no-go too, actually. She sounds like a trickster and a tease, and just becuase she flirted with you does not mean she'd be easy to "get in her pants.." Back away slowwwwllly...

snow wombat · 11-09-2005, 10:29 AM

You said that she was the same way with her other previous numerous boyfriends. It basically destroyed you by what she did to you once (not multiple occasions). Are you prepared for more of the same? Or did it really hurt you that much?? Would tha no-sex fact have more to do with your anger with her?

Camstyn · 11-09-2005, 11:59 AM

I think you misunderstood me snow wombat, I've never seen her do something like that to anyone, except (to a lesster extent) to our mutual friend 'A' who doesnt seem to mind putting up with that kind of abuse.

Bottom line is, before she did that to me, I thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. She'd walk all over 'A' but he lets her so thats partly his own fault.

I'm not prepared for more of the same at all, I refuse to let that happen to me again. It did hurt me that much. I forgive but I don't forget, so I wouldn't say I'm angry with her anymore, just disillusioned.

Thanks for the comments everyone I appreciate it, I'm learning many different viewpoints from yall that I hadn't thought of before.

Slyboots · 11-09-2005, 12:39 PM

She reminds me a lot of my ex girlfriend.When we broke up during the summer, she spent 3 months trying to get me to come back but I just ignored her. Few months later we started talking again. She became a big tease and would keep telling me she loved me. I found this pretty hard to belive since she moved on to a new guy. We decided to talk to each to other in person. I just found her to be more of a bitch than ever. She just wanted me to want her. She like the feeling of other people wanting her and I wasn't just about ot give it to her. Since then I have not talked to her. She had sent me emails, telling me she loves me I know its all a lie.

IMO, she is bad new dude, just leave her be and go on with you life. If you want some sex, then go for it but don't stay with her. You would regret it.

skier · 11-09-2005, 01:13 PM

Lemme see if I got this right:

You meet her. You're friends. She shows sexual interest. You take the bait (because usually that just means an invitation). You sleep together- but she's proved to herself she's in control and loses interest. Nothing happens, except you think there's potential for more between you two. Time passes.

You're still interested and offer to take her on this trip to cheer her up because of her problems (I don't know what these problems are, but if she's the kind of girl I think she is, it was a big dramafest that everyone knows about). She accepts your offer.

Now, this is just my interpretation, but this is why I don't think you should have anything to do with her. After accepting the invitation, she goes through some screwed up thought process- this would cost alot of money, why is he doing this for me, he must want me bad but just to get in my pants, why else would he spend money on me? what a prick, I don't really want to go anymore.

Personal opinion? This girl has issues. Low self-esteem knuckled with a sense of high value in attractiveness- she wants the validation guys give her by buying her gifts or showing interest but doesn't escalate because 1. Feels she's not worth it 2. She doesn't want to lose the control she has.

Now, you've acted the gentleman all evening. There's nothing logical for her to be angry about. She's lost control of the situation. So she makes up a problem and puts you on her bad side so that you'd have to make it up to her in some way. You see through it and just get pissed at her, throwing her out of your life. (way to go)

Time passes. She never did get control back. You have backbone, a spine. Hot. Maybe he's worth going after, after all. Times passes, small house party. She shows interest, and it's returned (sexual tension). And here you are.

My opinon: As soon as she gains control over your relationship, she'll lose interest. And she is going to TEST you, all the time. Not just big stuff, but subtle things like body language and (friendly) put downs. She thinks she's not good enough and too good for you at the same time. Not worth your time.
You could either:
a) act like a jerk, putting her down all the time while giving her tidbits of validation.
b) Act like a normal person, and get sucked into her cycle of attraction/rejection
c) Suck up and give her all the validation she can take.
d) Stop interacting with people that live off drama and validation.

denton · 11-17-2005, 02:04 AM

If you can get her to make the first move, by all means. But then move on. You don't want to be hangin out with people you can't trust. Sooner or later they will burn you, and then try to see if they can get you again.

The fact that she ditched you for that banquet (and tried to turn the whole thing around on you) really should tell you what sort of respect she has for you.

Toaster126 · 11-17-2005, 07:56 AM

This chick seems incapable of telling the truth (manufacturing a fight to get out of the banquet). The scenerio sounds more like an insecure chick who has no respect for you trying to play power games to me.

Run. I don't think anybody needs sex enough to debase themselves by going back to her.

11-08-2005, 11:52 AM	#1 (permalink)
Camstyn Upright	Strange drama in my life, someone set me straight Warning, this may be long winded.. There's a girl (J) I've known for about 5 years or so, friend of a friend. I first met her while she was briefly dating one of my friends (A). When I first met her I felt there was a bit of sexual tension between us, she liked to flirt and tease me but I never made any moves as at first she was dating my buddy, and after that, well, partially out of respect for him and partially because she went on to date someone else almost immediately after they ceased. So she's been 'one of the boys' since then in my small circle of close friends. I've always had a bit of a thing for her but as we became closer friends, her flirting stopped and that was that. We've been pretty close for a while now. She's had several boyfriends in the mean time. After she broke up with one of her boyfriends, a couple of years ago, we slept together. Nothing romantic or sexual, although I would have liked that. It was out of convenience, and we shared a bed one night. I made a couple small advances to test the water and was met with cool response so nothing happened. This never really changed anything in our relationship, although I thought it might be worth mentioning.. Because she knows that I wanted there to be something more, but was content with the way things were. I wasn't sure of what kind of message she was sending by sleeping with me, and still don't get it. But I digress.. Fast forward until a few months ago. She was having personal problems so I invited her to come with me on a boating poker run, which included a big fancy dinner, awards ceremony afterwards. She wanted to come so I bought her a ticket. On the weekend that this was on, a friend who used to hang out with us and had since moved an hour away, was back in town to visit. They visited on Friday night, and Saturday she came with me on the boat. Everyone was having a good time, but on the way back on the boat, she acted as though I had not informed her of the dinner banquet, and this was a problem because this other friend was returning home later this day. Now I could have sworn I told her about all of this. I played it cool and offered to her that I could have sworn I told her about this, and if I hadn't it was becaues I assumed she knew, since my other friends and I had talked a lot about this day while in her company. So anywho.. I told her that she can do whatever she pleases, she's welcome to come to the banquet but of course she's not my prisoner and she is free to do as she likes. At this point she turned it into a fight, told me that I was calling her a liar, and she wasn't coming now because I'm being an asshole. This baffled me as I can swear to you, I was being completely nice about it and hiding my frustration deep down inside. Now this really irked me, and I basically said, "I can't believe you would ditch me like this. We had plans. You knew about them. This is complete bullshit, I don't deserve this." etc. etc. She called me some names, so I told her she was a bitch, and blah blah blah, big fight. It blew up big time. The day was shot and so was our relationship at this point, I couldn't believe she would act this way. I dropped her off at her car and told her to have a nice life, and good luck finding some other chump that she can ditch. I was fuming mad after this.. I couldn't believe how selfish and self-serving she was.. It made sense with a lot of things she had done to other people up to this point but I thought she had more respect for me than to do this. It all started to add up and boil and I began to realize how wrong I was about her. I was very upset about this to the point of tears, as I thought she was a good friend and this is how I get treated for trying to do her a favor, trying to bring her out of her emotional funk. Later that night I hung out with A, who has long been one of my best friends and also has been hers, after the two of them didn't work out romantically. I needed someone to talk to.. He told me that he was talking to her a couple of days earlier and she had mentioned to him that she was not sure if she wanted to go anymore.. He had told her that I paid a lot of money for her ticket, and that there was a big banquet and everything. So now I confirmed that she knew all along and the BS on the boat was just that, BS. I was happy to hear that it was confirmed I was not incorrect in this fact, but it made my blood boil even more about her.. Why would she lie about it, why did she turn it into a fight rather than just excuse herself from the banquet, etc. So I was angry and upset for a few days. At one point, after thinking about it too much, I decided to send her a text message, telling her to have a nice life, I didn't want to be a part of it for any longer, that I'd miss the friendship that I once thought we had and I was a changed person from this. Now this is no bull, this whole scene made a real mess out of my life for a while, emotionally. I learned a lot from this experience and I'd have to say I'm changed from it.. A little wiser but a lot more jaded. So I don't talk to her for about three months. I'm not upset about what happened anymore, I figure it was a good lesson learned and now I know the real her. I'm no longer upset, just angry. Now Al starts trying to get us to be friends again, by inviting both me and her out with him to go for coffee, etc. It was like I told him, I don't care if she is there, I'm not going to be immature and hide from her, but I have nothing to say to her. That's how it's been.. I've seen her a few times now and basically give her the cold shoulder but not to the point of completely ignoring her. She's not one of my friends anymore as far as I'm concerned, so I treat her like an associate that I have ill feelings towards, which is the way it is for me. Now on the weekend, A wanted to go for dinner and then go over to our buddy S's house to watch the hockey game. J came with him. This was fine, I just wanted to get out of the house and do something social. So we do this, and she's sitting between us on the couch watching the hockey game after dinner, and whenever she'd get up and sit back down close to me she'd try to joke about "oops, sorry, that's way too close" etc. No big deal just being sarcastic and making light of the tension between us. So after the hockey game we come over to my place, and drink beer in my shop with a couple of other friends, BSing. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except that I felt some sexual tension between us again like there was when we first met.. She was flirting and teasing a bit, and made reference of sleeping with me again, seemingly only half joking. Now this seems foolish, but I think that perhaps by me shutting her out after what she did, she may have gained some respect for me. That seemed to be a big part of her problem, not having the respect she should for her close friends and thinking she could walk all over them. My buddy A is partly to blame for this because he lets her walk all over him, she's got him completely pussy whipped and he acts like a fool in love, while they simply share a friends only relationship. I think he's still in love with her although has 'settled' for what he's getting. Now to get to the point.. The recent sexual tension. If all our mutual friends weren't there I think something could have happened between us the other night. Let me just set it straight, I don't have any desire to have a friends only relationship with her again. Not with the way she treats most of her friends. On the other hand she seems to treat her boyfriends on a whole other level. What should I do? I see my options as: a) keep her shut out of my life b) try to get in her pants As I said I'm not interested in calling her up just to go hang out. I'm still angry with her. There's a lot of repair that needs to be done before I would be her friend again. I think if option B were successful it might do a lot to resolve my problem with her, since it would be new territory between us and it would kind of change everything. option A seems like the smart thing to do.. Now I don't understand how women's brains work. Were her most recent actions an invitation for me to consider option B? Or is she just playing games and should I forget about it? Or is it another ploy to manipulate me? @#$#@% Last edited by Camstyn; 11-08-2005 at 11:56 AM..

11-08-2005, 01:39 PM	#8 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Or...is she the one dangling the carrot? Who's going after what? All I'm saying here is; she bats her eyelashes, and you seem ready to drop your drawers at the drop of her hat. Consider...she could be pulling a power play, and she has the most powerful "weapon" of all. __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt. Last edited by Bill O'Rights; 11-08-2005 at 01:42 PM..

11-08-2005, 02:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
rsl12 On the lam Location: northern va	Why would you want a girl like this as a girlfriend? You say that she treats boyfriends differently than regular old friends, but why in the world would she? Seems to me that she assumes her friends are gullible idiots who believe blatant big lies. You're saying that she wouldn't think her boyfriend was as gullible, just by virtue of being a boyfriend? It makes very little sense, based on what you've described. Now then, you're sexually attracted to her--fine. The best thing, if you ask me, is to take a very honest approach. Next time you're flirting and you manage to find yourselves alone for a few minutes, you might want to bring it up--say something along the lines of, "you know J that I find you really sexy, and I've love to nail you on this table right now." See how she responds--if it's generally in a favorable way, you can then add, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that that's all I really want--no strings. You hurt me really badly, you know." If you're really bent on being a boyfriend and not a regular friend, you can change that second line to read, "I would love to be physical with you, but you should know that I can only do so if we're together in a relationship." __________________ oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

11-08-2005, 02:14 PM	#11 (permalink)
Yakk Wehret Den Anfängen! Location: Ontario, Canada	I'd suspect she's just seeing if she has power over you. If your history is accurate (and, be honest -- is it? Memory is tricky, it is hard not to make yourself look better/worse), then I have a model of this lady. It may be wrong. But... The lady puts on a play. She likes to look good in this play, and make others look bad. Two acts in this play are above. In the first act, she got upset at you for calling her a liar, and pressuring her into going to a banquet that she never knew about. Note that you being a liar and her being the innocent harrassed victem makes her look good and you look bad. In the second, incomplete, act, she flirts in a completely deniable fashon, induces you to make a move, then rejects you. This turns your rejection of her into her rejecting you. She's bad mojo. Stay away from bad people if you have the choice. There are many good, decent, nice people out there. __________________ Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

11-08-2005, 02:18 PM	#12 (permalink)
rsl12 On the lam Location: northern va	Good point Yakk. On that note, if you take my advice, be prepared for rejection--be prepared to say, "Well, you are really beautiful to look at. Sorry I misread you." __________________ oh baby oh baby, i like gravy.

11-08-2005, 11:58 AM	#2 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	what should you do?? option B then A

11-08-2005, 12:00 PM	#3 (permalink)
WillyPete Addict	I think it's time for a little tit-for-tat. Some words of wisdom I once heard: "Bend her over a chair and shove it up her butt, she'll thank you for it later." Just kidding. If it's reciprocated and you KNOW you're not gonna get hooked, then treat it as sex for sex's sake. The other option is you saying you don't want anything to do with her. If it were really the case, you wouldn't even consider b as an option. Face it, you like her, at least on the physical level. Anything else is denial.

11-08-2005, 12:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
Camstyn Upright	You're right, I like her, but I'm bitter towards how she treated me before. It's like they say, 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.' I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman if things were different from how they were before. But, I have no intentions of making myself vulnerable to being taken advantage of by her again.

11-08-2005, 12:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
WillyPete Addict	No, you ARE vulnerable right now. You are facing insecurity and doubt about yourself and her. That, my friend, is vulnerability. I'm not saying you should be all "My will be done and the rest be damned!" about it, just decide what you can expect from her. Take what she offers at its face value. If she wants more than just a physical relationship, well, she'll have to convince you and build up some trust. Truth be told, you're fretting so much about it that she'll pick up on you acting unnatural and nothing will happen.

11-08-2005, 12:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
c172g Crazy Location: Michigan	Go for the sex. Revenge sex is fantastic! As long as you can walk away from her when it's cleanup time, you'll be good to go. Do not attempt it if there is any chance you're going to desire a relationship. She has a lot of growing up to do. WillyPete says face it, you like her...I somewhat agreee, but I also think you can be sexually attracted to someone & desire sex without anything beyond that. I'd love to nail a lot of hot actresses & models, but after hearing an interview with a few of them there's not much upstairs to work with. Go for the sex, get as down & dirty as you can & call it a day. If that doesn't happen, you've lost nothing anyway.

11-08-2005, 12:43 PM	#7 (permalink)
Camstyn Upright	Hold on, just to clarify.. I don't think I have any insecurities or doubt about myself at all. The only thing I'm insure of, factually, is what her intentions are in regards to her recent flirting. We were a bit drunk at the time. My opinion of her changed when our friendship imploded but it hasn't waivered since, including now. From what I've gathered, she needs to get fucked, hard. I think she knows that with the tension between us I'd drill her six ways from sunday. I think I'm going to dangle the carrot a bit, so to speak, and see if she goes after it. Now I just fight with myself a little bit about if I shouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking she could have it.. But I guess the better thing to do, if I want to continue to be bitter, is to stuff her like a thanksgiving turkey and then send her packing.

11-08-2005, 02:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
Camstyn Upright	Good observation Bill, that's what I've been thinking too.. And it very well may be, but I question whether or not I'd be serving my own best interest by not banging the bajeesus out of her, or a revenge fuck as someone else so eloquently put it. I would have served that up on a platter before but I've had no other reason to contact her, and now the opportunity appears as though it may have arisen. It's not like I wouldn't have fucked her a month ago but would now, now that she's being 'back'. Now I tend to agree with what you suggest, but batting her eyelashes at me isn't going to make me forgive or forget anything.

11-08-2005, 03:47 PM	#14 (permalink)
Mantus lascivious	Yah, I would pick both B and A

11-08-2005, 03:50 PM	#15 (permalink)
WillyPete Addict	Tell her you'll call her in the morning. They always fall for that one.

11-09-2005, 07:09 AM	#16 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	I don't see the point in using sex as a weapon. Either be her friend, or ignore her, but don't fuck-n-dump her. If a fuck-n-dump makes you feel better about yourself, check your priorities. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

11-09-2005, 07:21 AM	#17 (permalink)
tooth Addict	A She's bad news. She flat out lied to you, and started a fight about it. She's playing big time games with you. Make it a point not to ever socialize with her.

11-09-2005, 07:44 AM	#18 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	A little B.. some B... B..B..B...B....B B B B B B B BB.... A. I'm voting no-go too, actually. She sounds like a trickster and a tease, and just becuase she flirted with you does not mean she'd be easy to "get in her pants.." Back away slowwwwllly... __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

11-09-2005, 10:29 AM	#19 (permalink)
snow wombat Upright Location: The Great White North	You said that she was the same way with her other previous numerous boyfriends. It basically destroyed you by what she did to you once (not multiple occasions). Are you prepared for more of the same? Or did it really hurt you that much?? Would tha no-sex fact have more to do with your anger with her?

11-09-2005, 11:59 AM	#20 (permalink)
Camstyn Upright	I think you misunderstood me snow wombat, I've never seen her do something like that to anyone, except (to a lesster extent) to our mutual friend 'A' who doesnt seem to mind putting up with that kind of abuse. Bottom line is, before she did that to me, I thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. She'd walk all over 'A' but he lets her so thats partly his own fault. I'm not prepared for more of the same at all, I refuse to let that happen to me again. It did hurt me that much. I forgive but I don't forget, so I wouldn't say I'm angry with her anymore, just disillusioned. Thanks for the comments everyone I appreciate it, I'm learning many different viewpoints from yall that I hadn't thought of before.

11-09-2005, 12:39 PM	#21 (permalink)
Slyboots Tilted Location: Newbury Park, California	She reminds me a lot of my ex girlfriend.When we broke up during the summer, she spent 3 months trying to get me to come back but I just ignored her. Few months later we started talking again. She became a big tease and would keep telling me she loved me. I found this pretty hard to belive since she moved on to a new guy. We decided to talk to each to other in person. I just found her to be more of a bitch than ever. She just wanted me to want her. She like the feeling of other people wanting her and I wasn't just about ot give it to her. Since then I have not talked to her. She had sent me emails, telling me she loves me I know its all a lie. IMO, she is bad new dude, just leave her be and go on with you life. If you want some sex, then go for it but don't stay with her. You would regret it. __________________ "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

11-09-2005, 01:13 PM	#22 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	Lemme see if I got this right: You meet her. You're friends. She shows sexual interest. You take the bait (because usually that just means an invitation). You sleep together- but she's proved to herself she's in control and loses interest. Nothing happens, except you think there's potential for more between you two. Time passes. You're still interested and offer to take her on this trip to cheer her up because of her problems (I don't know what these problems are, but if she's the kind of girl I think she is, it was a big dramafest that everyone knows about). She accepts your offer. Now, this is just my interpretation, but this is why I don't think you should have anything to do with her. After accepting the invitation, she goes through some screwed up thought process- this would cost alot of money, why is he doing this for me, he must want me bad but just to get in my pants, why else would he spend money on me? what a prick, I don't really want to go anymore. Personal opinion? This girl has issues. Low self-esteem knuckled with a sense of high value in attractiveness- she wants the validation guys give her by buying her gifts or showing interest but doesn't escalate because 1. Feels she's not worth it 2. She doesn't want to lose the control she has. Now, you've acted the gentleman all evening. There's nothing logical for her to be angry about. She's lost control of the situation. So she makes up a problem and puts you on her bad side so that you'd have to make it up to her in some way. You see through it and just get pissed at her, throwing her out of your life. (way to go) Time passes. She never did get control back. You have backbone, a spine. Hot. Maybe he's worth going after, after all. Times passes, small house party. She shows interest, and it's returned (sexual tension). And here you are. My opinon: As soon as she gains control over your relationship, she'll lose interest. And she is going to TEST you, all the time. Not just big stuff, but subtle things like body language and (friendly) put downs. She thinks she's not good enough and too good for you at the same time. Not worth your time. You could either: a) act like a jerk, putting her down all the time while giving her tidbits of validation. b) Act like a normal person, and get sucked into her cycle of attraction/rejection c) Suck up and give her all the validation she can take. d) Stop interacting with people that live off drama and validation. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

11-17-2005, 02:04 AM	#23 (permalink)
denton Crazy	If you can get her to make the first move, by all means. But then move on. You don't want to be hangin out with people you can't trust. Sooner or later they will burn you, and then try to see if they can get you again. The fact that she ditched you for that banquet (and tried to turn the whole thing around on you) really should tell you what sort of respect she has for you.

11-17-2005, 07:56 AM	#24 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	This chick seems incapable of telling the truth (manufacturing a fight to get out of the banquet). The scenerio sounds more like an insecure chick who has no respect for you trying to play power games to me. Run. I don't think anybody needs sex enough to debase themselves by going back to her. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)