Willravel

I have serious soncerns about a relationship between a formal molester, even with serious counciling, and someone who was molested. While your therepy may have helped you to confront the emotions and reasoning behind your actions, there is nothing to prevent them from reemerging. Am I suggesting that you will become a molester if you stay together? Not necessarily, but are you willing to take that chance? I say settle down with a nice woman who hasn't been molested.

katie_ann1031

the way I look at it, you were young and did something stupid. We've all been young and done stupid things. Granted, this is a subject more otuchy than most, but still what was done was done,a nd you've obviuosly moved on. Now, this girl you are seeing has some issues with molestation, so personally, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. I've always been a big fan of"what you don't know can't hurt you" but I also get the impression, Cerebral, that you feel guilty for not telling her. If that is the case, then you can't go through with this relationship and not tell her, because you'll make yourself nuts. That didn't help at all, did it?

Anxst

That's exactly what I was trying to say in my post, said better than I think I could have. Well said, Ratbastid.

__________________
Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

Psycho Dad

I was thinking about this a bit today. I was thinking that if you just break it off with her as some have suggested, then the relationship most certainly is not going to go any further. That is not what I believe you want. On the other hand, if you just tell her either before or after the time is right it MAY not go any further. Finally if you tell her when it is the time that it should be told, and I think many agree that it is before the relationship turns sexual the relationship quite possibly will work.

The hard part (and the part that I don’t know that anyone here can help you with) is determining when the right time is going to be.

__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

JumpinJesus

I've been giving this some thought, and I keep getting 4 scenario's in my head about how this can go.

1. She freaks, dumps you, then proceeds to tell everyone about it in a state of emotional desperation. People turn on you and the "punishment" you believe you deserve becomes a little more than you can bear.

2. She freaks, dumps you but keeps it a secret out of respect for you.

3. She freaks, talks it out with you and decides to give the relationship a chance and it works out well.

4. She freaks, talks it out with you and decides to give the relationship a chance. Some time later you break up and out of spite, she tells everyone what happened.

This is an incredibly tough situation and I honestly don't know how to handle it. From what you've been saying, keeping this a secret is tearing you up. In that sense, if you do keep it a secret from her, you'll spend your time with her terrified she'll find out. The guilt of keeping it from her could consume you if this happens.

I really don't envy you right now because it seems like you might have found someone special to you, but you run such a high risk of losing her.

Personally, I couldn't keep the secret. I wish you the best with this, though.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

infamous13

You do have to remember if you tell her she might tell the coworker who hooked you up. this could screw up alot more than just a relationship.

Cerebral

Thank you all again for your opinions. It has helped greatly in trying to weight out my options.

Now for the conclusion. So we got together last night, 10:30 PM we both have second shift jobs, as we had planned since before I started this post. I tried to keep a bit of distance, but it didn't really work since we have been a very touchy feely couple ever since we met. We went for a walk around a lake nearby and then watched a movie. After the movie was over I could tell she wanted to pick up where we left off on saturday. So, I decided I had to tell her then. I had built up a ton of nervous energy and could barely get the words out to start the conversation and as it progressed it didn't get any better. So after I got through telling her what happend she stared at me shocked for a minute or two and told me that it didn't matter. She accepts it as a mistake in my past, but it really means a lot to her that I able to tell her this. Not only did it boost the trust in our relationship, but it also gave her a better insight into my past and why I am the person I am today. After a good deal of talking she still wanted to pick up where we left off. I just got back from walking her to her car and thought I should share.

Honesty is the best policy....or maybe I just got lucky as hell, but either way I appreciate everyones help. Thanks you all.

Psycho Dad

I'm glad it worked out for you and welcome to TFP.

__________________
Don't always trust the opinions of experts.

maleficent

Well done...

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ratbastid

It would be nice to hope that she thinks the way you do, but it doesn't seem likely to me. First off, she's clearly more damaged (or perhaps just more militant) than you are. Sounds like it MORE than "bugs" her. Second, while I agree completely that he was a child when it happened--a confused, hurting child, trying to make sense of things bigger than him, it's eminently understandable and... well, not forgiveable, exactly, but... It's in the past, anyway. The issue isn't what's logical or sensible here. The issue is, what's the girl going to make of it. And it's not likely to be logical or sensible.

When I was a senior in high school I briefly dated a girl named Rebecca. She was amazing. If it had worked out, I'd totally be married to her right now (and so on some level, thank God it didn't, though I didn't feel that way at the time). I'd been her friend for three or four years, and dating her was the fulfillment of years of fantasy for me. She was great. Gorgeous girl. Awesome kisser.

Then one night I touched her breasts. I was sort of half on top of her. I didn't notice anything at the time, I just thought we were having fun, but she told me later that she had been molested as a child, and that when I did that, she went back to that time in her life. She felt trapped, like she couldn't escape. just like when she was a little girl. And now that this had happened between us, she couldn't date me anymore.

Was it logical or sensible? Hell no. She knew it. She apologized for it. To tell the truth, she was a wreck about it. But it followed a sort of internal logic unique to those victimized in their childhood--a pattern had been etched in her brain that all future intimatcy and sexuality was channelled into. For her, sexual arousal EQUALS threat and fear. I haven't talked to her in several years, but I really hope she did what I asked her to and got into therapy, because the way she was headed was for a life of isolation and misery.

ratbastid

EXCELLENT work! Just excellent! Congratulations.

Anxst

Woohoo!

I'm glad everything went well, and I'm glad that open communication worked for you...especially since I was one of the ones suggesting it.

__________________
Don't mind me. I'm just releasing the insanity pressure from my headvalves.

little_tippler

you must have a really great girl there...good for you. Wow.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

raeanna74

Thanks for filling us in on the results. I'm so glad that she handled this so well. You both have a lot of potential in this relationship since you were both able to face something you feared. I hope you can continue this open communication and work through this as well as it has started. Koodos for taking that leap of faith. It took a lot of courage to do what you did.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

snow wombat

I am glad to hear her reaction to your honesty, but I would ask you to keep us informed on how things go in the future with her. Let's see how she reacts after some quiet thinking and time alone. if she comes back to you then you have a very special person and relationship going. Don't let it slip away!

tooth

+1
Good job. Glad it went so well.

doncalypso

I am pleasantly surprised and glad she didn't freak out or go nuts on you when you told her your childhood secret.

I don't want to be the devil's advocate or the angel of death, but I think you definitely ought to keep your eyes wide open for the next few weeks (or months or years, depending on how long this relationship lasts) to see if her actions towards you confirm that she's really accepted this as a part of your past and that she won't use this as a weapon against you.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Cimarron29414

Cerebral

I hope that her acceptance is a way for you to find closure with this issue. One thing I did not get from your posts was whether your behavior was a single event or multiple occurrences.

When I was 15, I worked in a drug store. I stole a box of condoms from my job because I was too embarrassed to purchase them. Now, I am much older. When I interview with new companies, I do not tell them in the interview "Before you hire me, I think you should know about my past....." The fact is, I *was* a dumb kid that made a dumb mistake. I know it is wrong now, and I don't behave that way anymore. So, there is no use labeling myself a "thief" for the rest of my life.

Assuming that the answer to my first question is "only once," you do not have to label yourself "child molester" for life. Your debt was paid through this girl. You told her the truth, and she was very likely to place you in the same category as her ADULT stepfather. She didn't, so now you have to let it go.

Have you ever considered looking up the girl you touched and writing a letter of apology? You might not get forgiveness, but it might help her to know you acknowledge your mistake and feel deeply sorry for it. If you were to ever do this, you need to let someone else find her and give it to her. You definitely don't want to just mail it to her because it could do more harm than good, as if you were stalking her.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

Dragonknight

You have a VERY understanding girl there Cerebral. One that you should cherish for an extremely long time. You did what to me, would take an insane amount of courage to do. For that you are a good man. I would also suggest to take doncalypso's advice and keep an eye on her. Not to say that she's an untrustworthy person, but more as a precaution in case she has a bad day and starts to think dark thoughts. Also don't be terribly surprised if you get into a large argument and it comes up. Hopefully it doesn't happen at all but the chance for it is very much there. Remember people say some of the dumbest things out of anger, even the Best people.

Poppinjay

That was incredibly brave, Cerebral. And a good result.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Cerebral

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but were you horribly hurt by someone you cared for in the past? Every post you have put up has seemed like you think I should be afraid to even try and trust her. Living in fear of trusting people you are close to will only keep them distant.

I do see what you are saying though and I thank you for trying to warn me. I'm usually very good at reading people which is part of the reason I thought I could trust her. But if I start to get a weird vibe or her attitude change I'll keep this in mind.

Cimarron, as part of the counseling we had to write apology letters, but they didn't want us to mail them even through a secondary source. They said the letter may only end up causing the victim more pain. And to answer your first question this was an isolated event.

SirLance

So you have something in your past you're ashamed of and don't want to reveal to someone you might become romantically involved with?

There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYONE. We meet at the bar on Friday nights...

I think you want to tell her because you want to punish yourself. I think you don't want to tell her because you don't want the pain of losing her. Quite a quandary.

My advice: seek an expert opinion. Go to a counselor and get professional help making this decision. If you decide to tell her, make sure it's because you are doing it because it is the right thing to do, and not because you want to get beat up for the guilt you still obviously carry.

And, if you do decide to tell her, a counselor can help you find a way to do so that doesn't traumatize her, which I'd think would be pretty important to someone you care about.

By the way, my opionion: leave it in the past. It was a one time incident when you were 14. It will only harm her to tell her, and it will only make her believe that everyone who is nice to her is a molester.

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

Cimarron29414

That makes sense. Again, I think you should forgive yourself for this isolated event. Making a "big deal" out of it by torturing yourself in her presence will only cause her to dig up her own dark memories and project her hurts onto you.

__________________
Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

abaya

Honesty, honesty, honesty. Coupled with good communication, you can't go wrong there.

I think you are incredible for saying what you said. Wow. There are not many men or women who would pony up and tell the truth like that... most people would see it as not being in their own self-interest. But would you want to be with a woman who could not forgive the unforgiveable in your past? And now you both know more about each other's integrity and capacity for love and forgiveness than you might have ever known, had you never told her. Awesome.

That takes AMAZING maturity and courage. Rock on, man, and enjoy the ride.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Mantus

Wow, Cerebral talk about playing Russian roulette. Glad you won this one. My best wishes to the two of you.

tec-9-7

I'm glad you had a positive result from this! Hope the relationship works out for the two of you.

abaya

Seems to me that a good relationship HAS to be like playing Russian roulette, for both people... the risk is something that is beyond calculation. The payoff is everything, and if you lose, well, you lost well.

it's something that Ratbastid has said around here before (in another thread), which I've been thinking a lot about... that you have to give 100% and expect nothing back, or it isn't love (as long as it is a healthy relationship overall). I am always so impressed and humbled when people actually take huge risks like this... the integrity and sheer courage it takes to put EVERYTHING on the line. I am not very good at it, myself. Still learning.

I applaud you again, Cerebral... and thank you for sharing here. You are off to a great start.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Mantus

If one never risks anything one can never win anything.

PredeconInferno

If you truly love this woman, keeping things hidden is not honorable.

If you wish to be completely loyal to her, she must know. Only then can she really decide if she wants to be with you. If you dishonor her by not telling her the truth, then she may find out... and then the situation will be much worse.

In order to be loyal and treat her with honor, she must be told.

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Samurai in Training
Knowledge is power. Guard it well.

JumpinJesus

Cerebral,

Along with others I want to say I'm glad things worked out. Now, I think you are both extremely lucky.

She is lucky because she's found someone who can be this honest with her.

You're lucky because she's willing to accept you regardless of your past.

Now, go forth and be happy together; after making it over this hurdle you both deserve it.

__________________
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses

Scrub0

i wouldn't have told her. in that case she didn't have to know, and given her past, telling her was pretty risky.

Sorceress

Thank the gods! Congratulations! I am so happy for you that it all worked out for you!

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Born of mist and dreams, chapters from an alternate mind.

Redlemon

OK, everyone, read the full thread before responding. Cerebral already told her, so don't offer advice on whether or not he should tell her.

Cerebral, I hope we didn't cause you to worry too much. I hope that it helped you to prepare just how to approach this. You are a brave man.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

tooth

But, they won't see this either then. Will they?

ibis

You were 14, man.

Don't tell her and don't pursue the relationship.

There's plenty of other fish out there.

Redlemon

Apparently not.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

tooth

LOL

It happens. Especially in a long thread like this. There's too much to read, when all you want to do is throw your 2 cents in.

ibis

He asked for advice, I gave mine. I don't really have time to read 20 other responces.

When situtions change, the poster should edit the first post with the new information.

loganmule

Sounds like you aren't really over the trauma of your own childhood indiscretion, which will make it tough for you not to blurt it all out to her at some point, and doing that will make it public knowledge, unless she is keeps things to herself...and you are WAY short of being in that place. I agree to go way slow with her, if you feel you must explore the possiblility of a relationship. Depending on how that pans out, and whether you have really put the incident behind you (in which case your telling her about it would not benefit her), the decision to disclose or to remain silent can be made.

lampajoo

God, what horrible advice these "yes" people gave! as to the conclusion: just because doing something dumb doesn't result in misfortune doesn't mean it's not dumb. If you've got an awful secret like this and it's, as others have said, no longer an active issue then why would you tell someone? You're telling them because YOU want to feel better about what you did. You're taking it out on them. Just because an act, such as this, is self-sabotaging doesn't mean it's selfless. Be a man and keep your secrets to yourself.