Cerebral

I met this wonderful woman about a month ago. She was the friend of a co-worker and seeing as how we were both single my co-work decided to set us up. We went out on our first date about two weeks ago and since then have been out on five more times. She is very easy to talk to and we both greatly enjoy eachothers company. We've spent 10+ hours just hanging out and talking multiple times. The last time I saw her was friday night/saturday morning. She came over after work and we walked around the local campus for about 4 hours just talking and getting to know eachother. When we got back to my place at 3 am, all my roommate were asleep or gone which is rare since on weekends they've been known to stay up for days on end. Before this we'd kissed goodnight on the last two dates, but nothing more. So, sitting in our empty living room we start to make-out and about 3 hours later we decide to stop making out and go to sleep since she has to work the next day. She is too tired to drive home and ends up sleeping with me in my bed, both fully clothed. When we both wake up four hours later we resume talking about our lives and that is when she tells me that part of the reason it was so awkward the night before was because he stepfather had molested her for a couple of years when she was younger. I'd known for talking to her earlier that she had a strong hatred for child molester, but didn't know why until she told me this.

Here's where the problem begins. When I was 14, I was babysitting my cousins and a neighbor girl and after they were all asleep, I molested the neighbor girl. There are many reason this happened, but it's something I deeply regret doing. I went through multiple years of counseling to help me figure out why it happend and how to move on. In the end I feel it has made me a way better person at the expense of that little girl. Very few people know about the incident, my parents, my sister and a few aunts and uncles. It is doubtful that she would ever hear about it, but I just feel wrong not telling her. On the other hand knowing what a strong hatred she has, I don't want to lose her over something that could stay buried in the past.

So my question is, should I tell her about what happened or should I just keep it buried and try to forget?

Thought I should add, I'm 24 and she's 25. She was molested when she was about 10 years old.

doncalypso

If you tell her, just know that she will dump you.

If you don't tell her, she might somehow find out and dump you, or else, if things ever progress further between the two of you and you choose to take this relationship to the altar you'll have to tell her and she'll dump you then.

My recommendation would be for you to not pursue anything with her and to slowly back off. If she asks you why then make the judgment call as to whether you ought to tell her, but if you do tell her know that she will dump you over this.

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skier

Yeah, I wouldn't expect a "logical" reaction from her if you told her. Picturing in my mind a horrified expression then bolting. It doesn't really matter what's happened since you were 14 and how you've changed- if you tell her all she's going to see in you is her child molesting stepfather.

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Cerebral

That was the exact reaction I was expecting and the reason I didn't tell her right away. We went and got some lunch and then she went home to get cleaned up for work. I took a nap and when I woke up I felt like shit for not telling her.

Anxst

I say tell her.....but, wait until she's gotten to know you a bit better. Judging when will be the hard part. She has to have gotten to know you well enough so she can see you as something other than a 'nasty man'.

It still might go very very poorly, but that's what you have to live with based on what happened in the past. If you feel strongly enough to feel guilty about not telling her, though, you really NEED to tell her at some point.

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feelgood

Hoo boy, this is one of those fine cases where past conflicts with the now issue.

I'm gonna side with not telling her. Why? Simply because there is no reason to tell her at the moment. A month of dating is not enough to prove to her that you're not the same guy who molested the neighbour girl.

I think most of the tfpers here are gonna tell you not to reveal your dark secret to her, at least, not yet. But you're gonna have to make the choice on your own when the time has come when the relationship between you and her has matured enough for both of you to reveal intimate and dark secrets to each other. Even we can't tell you when the time has come.

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shesus

I don't think that you should tell her. She obviously went through a very traumatic situation and will never fully recover from it. If you want a future with this girl at all, you should keep that part of your past to yourself. The way I see it is that you don't always tell your partner everything that you did in the past before you met. I know that there are things that I haven't told my husband and that he hasn't told me. That is fine because it doesn't affect our relationship. Honestly there is some information that I wouldn't want to know. You can't go back and change your actions from the past. Telling this woman will just push her away.

I guess you need to ask yourself if you've told other girlfriends or if you will tell future girlfriends. If your answer is no, then you don't need to tell this one. I think that the only reason you are considering bringing it up is because she has experienced it. That is the worst reason to tell her. She hates molestation and she will hate you. I'm guessing that you don't do that anymore and will never do it again. Keep it buried and dead.

/end of my two cents

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SERPENT7

I agree with anxst.
There are several things girls fear more than death. One is getting old/unattractive. The other is rape.
You will need to lay alot of groundwork before broaching this topic, my friend.

MEAD

I think you need to tell her soon, I'm fighting to tell you to wait becuase I think big secrets should be shared once you've ogtten to knwo each other better, but in this case I think it might be bad. If you told her after sometime she might feel really betrayed that you had decieved her for so long and on such an important thing to her. I dont know man, this is going to be hard no matter when you tell her,

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doncalypso

Cerebral... in the name of all that is holy, and for the sake of your sanity and your heart, please slowly break off everything with her. Be a good friend to her, but don't get romantically attached to her.

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canuckguy

Well I am not sure if you should tell her or not. I would have to say that I do lean to the don't tell her side, if that action was in your past and is not part of your future then I say don't tell her. We all make mistakes when we were young. I get the sense that since you share this type of connection you feel the need to tell her. Almost like its the only thing you can think of while your with her.
Up to you to say anything, but be warned that if you did tell her some very bad things might could/might of it. Such as if she feels the need to tell all your friends and co-workers about your past. If you run into her in public and your dating someone else, will she come up and get into your face and scream "molester!"?. You never know. Good luck on whatever choice you make.

Cerebral

We are already romantically attached. I can tell from the way she act and also the fact that my co-worker tells me how she is feeling. I didn't really know her before we started dating and it will be very hard if not impossible to be just friends.

ngdawg

I certainly wouldn't go breaking it off, so on that I disagree. As time goes on, if there's a good connection being made, easing slowly into the more detailed of your past would probably be the route to take, ie: 'I have some things I did as a kid I'm not proud of. Someday maybe I'll be able to talk about it'.
The emphasis is 'kid'. And you took steps to confront your wrongs, something not everyone does, so that's a positive and shows more maturity than if you tried to ignore or justify it.
We all make mistakes, some worse than others. While I certainly sympathize with the feelings of being molested, I think anyone worth having in my life is worth the time taken to know and understand and given a chance. Do YOU think you're worth the time to get to know?

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Cerebral

I think I've turned into a great person over the past 24 years. Everyone who meets me seems to say the same thing.

I'm normally a very intoverted person. Don't really share much about myself, don't date often, and definately don't have a problem keeping my personal life personal, but with her I feel like I can talk about anything, except maybe this. I want to tell her and sooner or later I will end up telling her, but I don't want it to seem like I was hiding it from her until she is too attached to break up. I've never had a problem lying or omiting details that I thought didn't need to be know and now all the sudden with her the thought of it makes me sick.

doncalypso

The problem is not whether you're a good/great person... It's a given that you've grown up and matured since you were age 14.

The problem is whether she can handle that piece of information. Judging from what you've written and my gut feeling (I must admit that I generally do not trust my gut feeling on anything) it would seem to me that she would definitely not handle it well no matter what angle you used to bring about the issue.
While intellectually she might be appreciative of the fact that you want to open up to her and confide in her about something that is a part of your past, the truth is that she will not react well emotionally.


Will being so open with her raise her interest level in you? Hell no.

Will she blow a fuse if you tell her about this? Most likely.

Will she use that piece of information as a potent weapon against you in the future when you have a major argument (all couples have at least one or two major arguments at one point or another)? Most definitely.


If you really love her, care about her, and don't want to lose what you have with her, then your best bet is to never under any circumstances bring up that detail about your past.

And if you're a Christian or believe in a higher power you better pray to God that she never signs up on TFP and reads this thread or else she might make you regret the day you were born.

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spindles

I lean towards the don't tell side. How does it help your relationship to tell?

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canuckguy

I agree spindles, not sure how it would help. Telling her might make you feel better cerebral, but it is not going to make her feel better.

Psycho Dad

I wouldn't think now is the time to tell her. But before the relationship gets too far along, I would imagine that you would at some point have to let her know. Did you have to register as a sex offender? If so, finding out from someone else is not how you would want her to find out.

And as ng said, you were 14. This is not something that just happened yesterday. To say you have to break it off with her over this is not the right move. At some point you will have a relationship (either with this woman or another) where this is going to come out.

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5757

I see no reason why you should tell her. You were 14 years old. You were a lot younger then. You were young and curious. You are an adult now. Obviously you wouldn't do that now, or would you? I think the only reason you should tell her something like that is if you still have that problem. Leave it in the past. You touched a neighbor girl, not your child. Your situation is different from hers. She was molested by an adult she is related to. It's different. So like I said, unless you still feel the urge to molest other people, I see absolutely NO reason why you should tell her.
All you're going to do is chase her away. I don't know, to me this kind of seem like a rhetorical question. Common sense kind of tells you that you should keep this to yourself buddy.

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Cerebral

I did not have to register as a sex offender. The only people who know, besides the people who I was in counseling with, are my parents, my sister, and a few other relatives. It's not the type of thing that would be just brough up out of the blue, but who really knows what someone might accidently say. If she were to find out from someone else it would seem like an even bigger betrayal. It would seem like not only could I not be honest with her, but also that the one thing that hurt her most was something I done to someone else and was hiding from her.

Psycho Dad

During counseling was there any light shed on why you did this? Were you yourself a victim of some sort of sexual or other abuse? You seem to have a pretty good handle on this (as far as I can tell by reading a message board post) so the counseling seems to have been a benefit.

And I expect in time, someone who has been molested themself will post here with a point of view worth listening to.

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ngdawg

Does it count if one wasn't a child at the time? I was, more than once. I would want to know about the person I'm spending a good part of my life with, but it's not necessary or serves a purpose to include the darker aspects of one's life with their intro. Better to have a modicum of honesty than to find out someone you care about lied or withheld an important part of their life.

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Psycho Dad

No. What I was trying to say is someone that may have experienced something such as this may have better advice than most of us just giving opinions that may not help the OP.

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Cerebral

[QUOTE=Psycho Dad]During counseling was there any light shed on why you did this? Were you yourself a victim of some sort of sexual or other abuse?[QUOTE]

This stems from peer pressure (thinking that everyone else my age was having sexual encounter so I should be too) and sexual naive (I was curious as to what the big deal was and hadn't learned these things from my parents or school). As for abuse, my parents give us everything we needed, food, clothing, a roof over our head, but they were never there. Some of this was probably a cry for attention. I was in trouble a lot as a kid. This was the first major thing, but they didn't have time for us unless there was a major problem. Even after this happened, they would drop me off at counseling and pick me up, but never really spent time trying to help me through it.

But I can't blame them. In the end it was just a bad decision on my part that was due to a lack of respect for other people. I didn't really see who I was hurting until it was over and then it was too late to go back and change things.

lurkette

You're going to have to tell her sooner or later. I vote for sooner. I can only imagine the sense of betrayal and violation she will feel if you end up dating for years and THEN you tell her this, knowing the whole time how she felt about molesters. It's difficult to know how she will react, but imagine what you would want if you were in her position: to know now, or to know after months/years of having this hidden. I don't think not telling her is an option if a long-term relationship is what you have in mind.

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tec-9-7

I would agree with this. I can't help but think this is one of those things that will eventually come out.

tooth

You can tell her and let her decide the fate of the relationship. Or you can keep it to yourself and kindly break things off with her. There is no way that you should continue this relationship in good conscious without telling her.

Definitely DO NOT sleep with her if you haven't told her first!!!

Psycho Dad

I think that is a very good point. Before the relationship gets to that point she needs to be told.

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analog

...ditto. Very much so, indeed.

Let it slow down, let the space settle in, and let this one go. Some people will just never be ok together. This is one of those cases.

This could only end badly, or very badly. I'm normally very supportive of relationships, and only see breaking up as last resorts... but we're talking about the feelings of a good person. This is also good since she's a friend of a co-worker... you don't need her knowing this information for no reason. If it's truly behind you, and you're all healed up and whatnot, there's no reason it needs to be common knowledge at your job. If she's worth risking everything for, then give it a shot... but know your chances of it coming out ok are worse than winning the lottery. Twice. While standing on your head.

ratbastid

Absolutely goddamn right.

If you're interested in a relationship with this woman, you have to tell her. I don't think saving the relationship is out of the question here. I think it's possible that, with full honesty on your part, this could bring you both to a new level.

You've got to lay some foundations for the conversation. You've got to open with how afraid you are to tell her--prepare her to hear it. DO NOT just drop it on her. On the other hand, don't tease her with it. You might say something like, "Listen, there's something I feel like I have to tell you but I'm really afraid to. I'm afraid of what your reaction might be. It'd be completely justified for you to react badly to this, but I don't feel like I can have a relationship with you and keep this secret from you. This is something that hardly anybody knows about me, because it's really hard for me to admit to and talk about, but I just don't feel like I can keep it from you."

At this point, I guarantee, you'll have her complete, undivided attention, and she'll be as ready and open as she's ever been to hear what you have to say.

I can see that, after a period of turmoil, she might come to realize something new and valuable about her own experience. Through you, she might start to have some compassion for the confused, hurting person who hurt her. She might start to be able to forgive, which I guarantee would be good for her. You need to be prepared for some turmoil, though.

maleficent

^^^ listen to ratbastic^^^

That was said much more eloquently and with far fewer typos than I could ever manage...

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little_tippler

I have to say that I think this relationship is impossible. You will always feel guilty if you don't tell her. She will hate you if you tell her. I doubt she will be able to get over that fact, no matter how wonderful a person she may be. I'm sorry to be blunt, but as it has been said by some already in this thread, this relationship just sounds like it will never work. Even if you guys are great together without that incident between you. It happened, and you can't erase it. From your mind, or hers, if you decide to tell her. I'm sorry for your troubles.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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BigBen

I was going to post this.

You have to think about what the future will bring if everybody knows. Will you still have a job? Will your friends leave?

I think that there is a reason you have kept this quiet. You know what society thinks about child molesters. You are in an uncommon position of being a child at the time of your offence, and I don't think society (and me personally) really knows how to judge someone in your position.

Welcome to the TFP; we hold no court here. You will not be judged by anyone here, and we pride ourselves on this fact.

It happened 10 years ago. That is a long time. I would do what Ratbastid says, and be prepared for the worst. Be sure that you are comfortable with the possibility of everyone finding out at work.

If this is the girl of your dreams, then go for it. I would give it more time and slow down. Slow waaay down.

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Cerebral

Thank you all for your opinions.

While I find myself wishing I could just walk away from this, that really doesn't seem like an option. If it were I'd already be out the door. The thought of trying to keep this buried for as long as I know her seems like not only an impossible task, but also very wrong. Even if it stays buried, it will always be something stands in the way of us becoming closer. So, as I see it my only real choice it to tell her and let her decide where we go from there. If she can not get past it then I will be very hurt, but maybe it's karma. I have to take responsibility for my actions even though I was only a child at the time and if losing her and/or my co-worker finding out is part of my 'punishment' then so be it. So far besides the guilt and regret, I haven't really been punished for what I did. The counseling was more of a benifit than a punishment. I can't change the past, I can only hope that she is able to see me for more than my childish actions.

5757

That's the fucking point I'm trying to make. You were a child! Does nobody else in here realize that?????????? Hello people!!! Open your eyes. He was a fucking child!
I honestly don't understand how this has anything to do with what she experienced. Did you continue molesting little girls or something?? Was the neighbor girl not the 'only' girl?? Are you having thoughts about doing this as an adult??
Okay, somebody needs to help me out here because I honestly do not see what this has to do with chick he's with. She was molested by her father. Her father!!
A little personal info here: I was molested by my father as well. I remember it. It bugs me. But if I met a man who touched some little girl when he was a little boy, that would hardly bug me.
Won't this female friend of yours think that you still have a problem NOW if you tell her NOW. Isn't what you did as a child something that should have been left back with your childhood??
I think you would be making a big mistake by bringing something like this up.

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maleficent

14 isn't a child... if he committed murder, he'd be more than likely tried as an adult.

You said that you haven't been punished for this... Do you want to be punished for this? If she ends it with you, would you see that as your punishment. the amateur shrink in me (who honestly has no idea what I'm talking about m ost of the time) but it sounds like you've got some unresolved issues with it. Have you made peace with yourself and forgiven yourself for what you did...

The problem as I see it, it will always be at the back of his mind, and unless he tells her the truth, I think he's going to have a tought time getting true intimacy with her, because there's always going to be something that he hasn't told her.

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denim

Man, do I agree with this. That's why I'm more in agreement with those telling you to let her down slowly. If she asks why, then tell her. I doubt she'll argue with you at that point, but if she does, well... maybe you two have a future after all.

OTOH, making up her mind for her isn't totally fair, is it?

From experience, I suspect that most of the women here have been molested or raped at some point. If you're looking for a woman with that point of view, I'm CERTAIN she's here.

5757

So he should tell her for the sake of 'getting it off' of his mind? I don't see how that could help him in any way.

A 14 year old murderer may be tried as an adult, but a 14 touching another child will certainly not be tried as an adult.

I guess if a man decided to tell me that he had "problems" having to do with molestation when he was younger, I would think the reason he needed to bring it up is because it is still a current problem.

Maybe there is acutally a women out there who will think that the "confession" is relevant to the relationships progress and needed or something.

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raeanna74

I also would not just break it off without telling her. That may affect her self-esteem, thinking that you don't like her. If you decide it would be better to break it off then you need to be honest with her and tell her that you are afraid you want her to know something before she decides if this relationship is going to go on very long.

Do not wait till the last moment before sex because it would appear to be an afterthought.

As much as relating your situation to her could cause her to be fearful there's also the hope that you're telling of the tale could be a step in the right direction for both of you. It forces you to put her first and increases your expression of respect for her. It also gives her a chance to face her fears or walk away. It shows her that you value her feelings more than your desire for a girlfriend or sex. I believe the honesty is the most valuable reason here.

You might want to hide this as it's something in your past BUT since the issue matters so much to her I think that you should not pursue a long term relationship and should not even approach the sexual side of the relationship until you tell her. If you two engage in sex, or end up at the alter and THEN you tell her there will be a lot of bitterness to work through and I would be surprised if you could repair the damage then.

Don't wait too long either. If you let her get too attached emotionally it will be more painful for you. Saying that you want her to get to know you first doesn't fly either since she has seen that you can show restraint already. She does know you enjoy her as a person in a friendly way. Much more and it begins to appear like you are trying to get her attached before opening up to her. A molester does not start out by telling the person of his goal - the molester often builds some sort of repore before any attempts. She will see it as thus if you wait.

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snow wombat

If this was done a long time ago, you had counseling, never did this again and felt bad about it and moved on and put this behind, I would say don't tell her. Do we tell all the things we did in the past when we meet someone? What if you did something stupid in the past, do you have to say everything? I don't think so. Only if it kills you not to. But then if you really put that behind, why bring this up 10 years later?

But if you are not sure about yourself doing it again, you should then tell her.