bubonico

I considered putting this in my thread about my girlfriend withdrawing from problems, but it’s pretty much a new topic.

For about 3 weeks she's been more distant than she's ever been. Yesterday she wrote me an email saying she has feelings for another guy and she wants the opportunity to see other people. She loves me but she just can't do the long distance thing, it's too lonely. Also she's 19 years old and feels tied down with me. I guess she needs to explore the waters so to speak.

I called her and we talked for a long time. I handled the situation in the most mature manner I knew how. She kept saying how much she loved me and she couldn’t believe how understanding I was. I basically told her that I want her to be happy and if she needs to see other people then that's what she needs to do. I downplayed my pain to the greatest extent that I could so she wouldn't feel bad. After much relationship type discussion we talked just like normal and I was very happy. She said she still wants to talk to me a few times a week and email every day or so, and at the time it seemed like a grand plan. After we got off the phone though I crashed hard.

I just wrote her an email and said basically that I love her and because of that I want her to be happy however that is. She deserves to be held and touched and loved in the physical manner that I just can't provide right now. She doesn't deserve to be in a lonely relationship. I felt like she did need to know how much pain I was in though. Like her dating another man is really not something I’m okay with, so I also said that the idea of her pursuing a relationship with another man is very painful to me. I told her I need time to heal and maintaining correspondence with her right now is not gonna help that. I'm already aching to talk to her though.

What should I do. Should I keep trying to talk to her and keep being her friend with the hopes that she'll realize how much she loves me or that she's still in love with me. Or do I let go and begin to mend my heart, and see where things are between us in a year. I don't really care how much pain I feel between now and then. I just want to be with her in the future, and I guess truly more than anything I want her to be happy.

I’ve heard the saying that goes like “if you love her let her go, if she comes back to you she’s yours”. How exactly does this work though. What exactly does letting her go entail. She still loves me and wants to talk to me. Do I do that, or do I sever communication. What exactly is letting her go. I get the gyst of it, but the specifics are hard.

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guthmund

I hate....hate to sound like an asshole because you seem like a nice enough fellow...

If it were me, and it's not, but if it were, I'd probably just end things and leave it at that.

That whole area of 'I love you, but...' just leaves a very bad taste in my mouth. This particularly reeks of convenience and selfishness. Look, I don't know you or your girlfriend from Adam and Eve, but it seems to me from what I've read that your relationship from her perspective just isn't 'convenient' any more. She still loves you, but she needs someone closer to home. She still loves and wants to see other guys, but she still wants to talk a couple of times a week and e-mail you every other day. She still loves you, but not enough to keep herself away from this other fellow she has feelings for. She still loves you...you're just not 'convenient' right now.

Of course she's amazed at your 'understanding' nature. She gets to have her cake and eat it too...with your blessing even. Relationships are hard. They require work, communication, compromise and sacrifice. It doesn't mean they get carte blanche to walk all over you when things aren't to their liking.

I hated writing that, believe it or not. I just hate reading stories like this more. Like I said, you seem like a nice enough guy and I hate to see nice folks get jerked around like this.

Maybe it's because I've been there before. Maybe I'm just a natural born cynic, but that's my advice and my reasoning. Take it for what you will, after all, in the end, I'm just some guy on the internet, eh?

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denim

You've done the "let her go" bit. Now you probably shouldn't push her away, though. It'd prevent her from coming back when she's ready.

Meanwhile, you should look for local prospects, I say.

dlish

id hate to say it too but i think guthmund is right.

think about it..she already has feelings for some otehr guy while shes in a relationship with you..albeit a long distance one. she doesnt love you, but she sure does feel guilty and bad for it, and your letting her walk all over you.

just think about it mate...you guys hadnt broken up but shes already thinking of another guy, and wants your validation and blessings. id be pissed as hell if i were you. no amount of 'i love you but.." would suffice.

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tecoyah

Let her go.....and push the love from your mind as much as possible. Unless of course....you enjoy Pain.

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Daniel_

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Sadly there's no right way to feel or behave. Take each day at a time.

How about every time you want to say something to her, you write it down, and each few days you edit that down into an email?

It migt sound soft and new age, but if you keep a diary of how you feel, you'll probably realise that you don't need to contact her as much as you thought.

Leave her be as much as you can - if you realy will be friends in future then start behaving a bit more like it now, and don't be a stalker.

Also - when she's in town - give careful thought (befreo it happens) towhether or not you are prepared to be "the other man" at the end of her NEW long range relationship.

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nightstuff

The thing you need most is the thing you want least of all, and thats time away from her. Time heals, and its what will give you that necessary emotional distance so that you can deal with the situation in a way which is best for YOU and not just HER.

So cut the cord for a few weeks. I guarantee you that you will feel better at the end, and be in a better position with her and yourself. Will hurt like hell the first days, but less for each day that goes. Then at the end of this you'll have new perspective, and can share some laughs with her and be more relaxed about the whole thing, instead of being a martyr about it like you are now. Dont make it some tearful goodbye, just say "i need to do this now", and stop calling and writing her for some weeks. you'll feel better for it, you'll see.

MEAD

I've been reading your other thread, man, and it seems as if this is the best thing for you. I know, because love is incredibly stubborn, that you will not think it now or want to believe it, but she was only causing you heartache even when you were "together."

I'm not a fan of long distance relationships by a long-shot, mostly because I have been in your shoes and recently too. After some months, everything makes much more sense, and you can really understand that this was the best choice for both of you. Right now your "understanding" is just love working as hard as it can to be unconditional with the hope that she will come back soon. There is no way you truly understand and accept this now. Don't even consider that for a few months.

You are going to end up talking to her because you will be weak. Shit will go wrong, and you'll get upset over and over even when you thought you were better, but eventually you'll get over it. You'll find who you are without being attached to her. It's really cool actually, you get to put yourself back together, all the better for being strong in a difficult relationship, and go out to find a sweet girl who's even better for you.

*A man cannot truly be a man till he's had his heart broken damn well by a woman.

But have faith that you will end up with the right woman at the end of the day, because that's all you want. If you can find someone who loves you better and who you love more fully than this one, then, fuck, will you be glad you and this other girl arn't together anymore.

For now, buy Beck's Sea Change (Interchange with some Dylan if you wanna go the more angry route) if you don't have it and listen to it on repeat a few times, be moody and angry. Just sit back and relax because it's going to all take a while.

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zensheep

This is almost scary how similar your situation is to mine. My girlfriend told me almost the exact same thing about 3-4 weeks ago. My thread is here http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=95898 in case you want to peruse it and see what advice people gave me and maybe apply it to your situation.

I completely understand your pain and your indecision about whether or not to keep in contact or cut it off as I've been debating the very same thing ever since this happened to me. I know that it is in my overall best interests to limit contact as much as possible but I'm just not able to do that right now. I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle that rift between us, at least not yet.

Unfortunately I can't really give you much advice at the moment as I'm still struggling with the situation myself, but hey, if you want to talk about it PM me and we can help each other out. The best thing I can tell you is to keep busy, try and go places where other girls are, and socialize. I know that doing that is harder than you want it to be as I'm in that position right now, but hanging out with friends and playing video games or going to parties really does help ease the pain.

analog

Gotta weigh in with the "I know it sucks, but let her go" crowd. If something CAN happen in the future, it might... but you can't make a dying flame last forever... just let the healing start and see who else is out there. Again, yeah, it sucks, and i'm kinda going through a similar disconnect myself, but it's really the only way.

doncalypso

Dude... she just sold you a whopper the size of Texas and you bought it... All her talk was bullshit Womanese talk and she really means that she has no interest level in you anymore and she wants to fuck other guys.

If she did love you she wouldn't even think about seeing other guys. She's just feeding you this crap in order to prevent you from buying a 9-millimeter automatic and blowing your brains out.

She doesn't need to "explore the waters"... She wants to go have lots of wild and crazy sex---with other men. This woman insulted you big time and you took it.

Why did you have a long phone conversation with her? You can't take her word for it on the phone. The telephone is one of women's greatest weapons (other than witholding sex). What you ought to have done was talk to her face-to-face so you could've compared her body language to her words.

Damn... you shouldn't have written her an e-mail. Face-to-face conversations. And you shouldn't have professed your love to her through an e-mail message. If you want to show a woman how much you love her do it through your actions. You show a woman you love her; you don't tell her.


Give it up... her interest level went south of the border. No matter what she may say she'll never want to consider getting in a relationship with you again.
You're better off meeting other women, having some wild and crazy sex, and totally forgetting about her. If after a year she decides to come back to you would you really want to take her after she left you to go have penty of wild and crazy sex with other guys? Would you really want to take her back a year or two from now knowing she's probably been purposefully hooking up with guys you hate or guys you would hate just to spite you?


She does not love you!!! If she loved you she wouldn't want to see other guys to begin with. She has no more interest in dating you but she's sugar-coating things because she doesn't want you to go buy that 9-mm automatic and waste yourself (because she doesn't want your suicide on her conscience).

Cast off all ties with her... you're better off totally erasing her from your life.

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onodrim

Wow, you have some serious issues with women. What she did was be honest and upfront with her boyfriend about what she was feeling. She could have gone behind his back and never told him and being in a long distance relationship gotten away with it, but instead she chose to communicate with him in a mature way. People grow apart, it doens't make them a bad person or turn women into spiteful sex crazed liars like you seem to think.

As to the original intent of this thread - I agree with what everyone has said here already. She is wanting to have the freedom to move on, date other people, and you're only setting yourself up for more pain if you let yourself keep believing she will come back to you. It's possible that she might after having had the chance to see what else is out there, but the harder you try to hold on the more she is going to want to push away. Secret and I have been in a long distnace relationship for many years already. There was a time when I met another guy and was strongly interested in him. I didn't love Secret any less, I just needed the freedom to explore that possiblity and he gave it to me. Ultimately it made me realize how much I did love Secret and it made our relationship stronger. Regardless of how it all ends, giving her your support to make that decision is the best thing to do. Take this opportunity to see other people yourself. It may be a permanent break for you two, or it may be the refreshing time apart that some people need. Either way, the best thing for you to do right now is simply give both yourself and her the freedom to see other people right now.

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tec-9-7

Personally, in my experience is, this is not true. I loved someone and set them free. They came back (many years later) and it still did not stick. Never hold someone you are with currently up against a fantasy; they will NEVER measure up. Just my experience.

skier

I find this kind of stuff annoying. You love your SO. You love your family. Does loving your family take away from the love you have for your SO? no. It's not a limited quality you parcel out to those people close to you.

And it's not conditional either. If your girl/boyfriend falls for another, you still love them just as much. You feel hurt, betrayed, and maybe even afraid but these feelings are there because you care about that person. You can't just flip love off like a light switch because you don't like what your SO did.

bubonico, I just want to say, don't shut this girl out of your life because she "needs to figure things out". There are two results from this situation:

1. She realizes how great things are with you and comes back after a few lousy tries with other people

2. She finds something she feels is better, and you find someone you can love just as much or more than she.

Either way, your life is your own to make. Stay open to the possibility of getting back together with her, but don't ever put your own life on hold because of her.

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bubonico

Thanks everybody for the advice. Doncalypso I want to hurt you.

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doncalypso

I was not out to insult you, but that's how you want to take it it's your call.... I'm just tellin' it like it is.

I just want to make sure you don't make some mistakes I've done in the past. I've taken some major crap from women and I sure as hell wouldn't want to see it happen to you. Getting your heart shred to pieces is not fun, and I wouldn't want to see you go through what I've been through. But if you feel like like hurting me for that then go ahead and give it your best shot.

Just remember this... If a woman truely loves and respects you she'll do everything to make it work and won't be telling you that she loves you and at the same time telling you that she wants to see other people.

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Blackthorn

Well there's not much else to add to this other than this: If she claims to have feelings for another guy ... face it ... she's seeing another guy.

Because you've obviously made a pretty good impression on this lass she's letting you down easy. It's time to move on.

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Funnel

If it was me i would definately let her leave. If she does come back it will be a nice surprise and things will hopefully work out but you can't afford to sit around waiting. I have been in a situation like that and it was just too much to sit around and wait. When i no longer waited and let it go i finally got past it and then the wait ended. Giving it up can't be much more painful than hoping and waiting.

SecretMethod70

Problem is, this isn't true. As onodrim mentioned already, she and I basically have gone through the same thing. About two years ago, she met a guy that she was interested in (in fact, I was her first boyfriend too). The fact she was interested in this guy and wanted to explore the possibility didn't mean she loved me or respected me any less - it just meant that she was interested in another guy too. Like someone else already pointed out, love isn't a limited resource. In fact, we ended up getting back together after a little while later. Why? Because the fact she was interested in another person had nothing to do with how much she loved me.

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nightstuff

Telling a forum poster you want to hurt them seems over the top to me, especially when he was offering advice he considered "for your best". He was't saying that to be a jerk, but to give you a chummy kick in the ass that he thought you needed. So chill out with the threats if you want people to be honest and open with you.

bubonico

Sorry about that doncalypso. Your post seemed a tad on the harsh side. I guess you were just saying things I didn't like about somebody I love. But those very well may be the things I need to hear, and your input is appreciated.

I am in Iraq and will have no means to talk to her face to face for a couple of months at least. I don't think she's worried about me buying a 9mm, I carry a weapon everywhere I go I do believe that she will consider having a relationship with me in the future. Perhaps I'm blinded by love. We shall see.

Just as an update for everybody I'm still talking to her, pretty consistently actually. We talked on the phone twice yesterday and when I got in today she had written me 6 emails. There is no doubt in my mind that this chick loves me guys. She is confused about what she wants right now though.

We are officially broken up at this point and I'm trying to create some space between us. I've been following daniels advice and writing emails but not sending them. After one day it seems that she's already showing much more interest in me. I think perhaps the relationship just got stagnant and we needed a big issue to break through it or something.

We will see where it goes. I am optomistic at this point. Perhaps I shouldn't be, because I don't really want to have my heart broken over and over again. But I think it's worth the risk. It may be true that I should sever all communications for a while so we can both figure out what we want, but I don't want to drive her away.

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guthmund

Well, now.. I'm glad to see that it's working out for you. It's been my experience that that usually isn't the case, but I'm glad to see an exception to the rule.

Good luck

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Sue

I feel bad for you bubonico. To be in Iraq and be broken up with over e-mail? It's one of those Dear John letters. I feel terrible hearing about when a soldier (assuming you're in the service) gets one of those when they're overseas. My guy's getting deployed in December, but we already live in different states, so staying with him while he's overseas won't be as big a difference to me; I just won't get to hear from him as often.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Perhaps it is for the best, perhaps not. Just wanted to let you know I can see it from your perspective, somewhat.

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