Not enough sex... what would you do??
 

I have been married for 17 years, with the same lady for 25 and love her. She also loves me, but her sexual drive is down. It could and must be hormonal because the only time she wants it is when ovulating. But for me once per month is not enough! We talked about it and she sees nothing wrong. I am going nuts. Should I find someone to fill the need with someone looking for the same. Looking for sex, not more? Sounds bad, but that is what is happening!

What would you all do?

well first off, finding someone else to fill the need spells the immediate demise of your marriage. Unless she's okay with it, but 95% of the time they wont be (and even if they say they're cool with it).

Beyond that, youll have to wait for more advice from elsewhere. But i'd nix that option, people will end up hurt, youll end up lonely, and trust me, even sex wont fill that void.

Have you explained that once a month is not enough for you? Remember, women like to be hugged and kissed as well as the intercourse . Maybe plan a romantic night and see what happens, you know flowers, dinner maybe a massage and let her know that you do love her, no matter what. I think looking for it, especially if she is unaware and without her consent is a one way trip into a very unhappy marriage. If all else fails see if she is interested in couples counselling, that may help

I have to agree.



If you honestly love her, you will communicate with her. Worst case, go to counseling with her. Cheating is THE worst solution here.

Cheating is not the solution here, unless you want your marriage to end. Communicate with her. Ask her what her wants and needs are.

Remember, she does want sex, her drive is just lower. That means you have to help her build up desire. Find out what will currently help her build up that desire throughout the day and start building on it. Don't be pushy, she'll most definitely NOT be turned on by that. Just have a talk about it, and find out what she wants, and see if she'll trade what you want for it. You'll most likely find you both want the same thing, you just have different ways of receiving those goals.

Talk to her about it... If that doesn't work see a doctor to find out whether her lack of libido is due to a hormonal imbalance. If there is no medical reason and she's just holding out on you then you have the choice of accepting the fact that you won't be getting much sex, or else divorce her.

Whatever you do, please do not cheat on her. If she's holding out on you then kick her to the curb, but don't cheat on her.

I'm going through a very similar situation. My wife and I are working through it with some real honesty & some upcoming counseling.

DON'T CHEAT! You will END your marriage by doing so.

If nothing else (and at the risk of seeming vulgar), seek out some pictures on the intarwebs & go on a date with Rosie Palmer & her five sisters.

Awesome point. When I (as a girl) know a guy im with is lusting for nothign more than sex, its a big turnoff. *click* game over turnoff. If the passion is missing, is the romance? trying introducing romance back into it, becuase romance tends to lead to more. ANd i dont mean you have to buy big bouquet of roses or anything, but make sincere comments to boost morale and leave little notes and gifts and just thoughts to keep you in her mind throughout the day. Go dancing, go to ice cream, go see a movie. Spend time together in that kind of way and perhaps it will lead to more.

You can always do the initiating, but that doesn't mean shes going to want it too! What I would do... is totally set up a little romance in your house! Make it special and make her feel wanted. Make her feel beautiful and that you miss have that physical part of her. Let her know. Communication is key and also have an emtional side to everything.

DO NOT CHEAT!!! You've been with her for so long... is it worth it? HELL NO.
Good Luck! :)

Oh man, no! Stay away from the thought of other women until you have exasted all possibilities. Infact just the idea that you jumped to this conclusion already kinda scares me.

scottkuma's got the right idea - if all else fails just beat the meat. All the satisfaction of sex, none of the complaints about a headache!

Seriously, sit her down and have a frank discussion with her. Explain to her that you need more sex than you're getting and tell her that you may need to take matters into your own hands if she's not able to provide the amount of sex you need. It's very rare for two people to meet who have exactly the same sex drive and even if they do that can change. It's perfectly normal for individuals in a commited relationship to masturbate regularly and a much better solution than parking the car in another garage. As has been said, even on the chance that she says she's okay with it she's probably not and it will come back to haunt you. Think about her self esteem; if you feel the need to have sex with someone else, what does that say about her and how attractive you find her? I know and you know that isn't the motivation, but that's how she'll see it.

All that said and being the worst case scenario, there's every possibility that she just needs the romance rekindled. Send the kids over to an aunt's house for the night and pull out all the stops; candle-lit dinner, horse-drawn carriage, maybe a bed and breakfast. Hell, rent a cheap motel room, go in seperate cars and 'hook up', that can be very exciting. Whatever you think she'll go for, do it and you'll likely see her desire rekindled.

Women and men both experience a decrease in sex drive as they get older. As you have been together for 25 years I have to assume you're in your forties, it's not uncommon at that age for things to dwindle a bit. The best answer is for you to make her want it. Seduce her; as to the best method, you know her best and what will get her fire going, I'm sure you can come up with something.

Try a little romance. Back rubs, foot rubs, suprises, flowers, weekend getaways. Sometimes it takes a little time. Don't make a nice evening all about getting some, she'll know that's the main intention. Sometimes women just lose... that feeling sometimes I think... and then start to feel like an inflatable doll.

I'm hoping I'm not crossing any lines here but... if you're thinking of cheating on her, than obviously you're not giving her your all. Start over, aim to please her, give her everything you can as her husband, there's nothing sexier than that.

Lots of good advice here already, but no one has discussed the possibility that it's at least partly a hormone thing. If so, appropriate hormone replacement therapy can do wonders. At a minimum, this should be ruled out. Either way, communication and letting her know that you'll work through it with her is key.

Try the random flowers/dinner/wine/flattery route if you haven't already. You may temporarily have some positive results. Honestly though you shouldn't be expected to make a huge production every time you want a little nookie. And we all know that romantic favors will quickly become unromantic if it becomes as common as your libido demands.

If you really feel you have exhausted your possibilities to a reasonable degree it's time to start looking for someone else. I recommend cheating as this will give you romantic exposure to someone else, something you haven't had for 25 years. Also if you're careful your wife won't notice at all . She'll probably be relieved that you're not pestering her twice a day for a blowjob. You may very well find that although you can probably easily find a better match sexually, you won't be able to stand the person on any other level.

It's not the first thing you should try, but yep cheating is sometimes the answer.

I think Logan has it right.
If you have been seeing each other for 25 years, that means she is about 40-ish? That is a little early for menopause, but not by much.
Also, have you thought about going to the gym? (In other words, do YOU look good naked?)Give her something to get excited about, and see what happens. You'll feel better just by getting into shape, and spending regular time away from each other might help to take the edge off of the routine feeling. (I could be projecting there, though!)

Just another thought:
Dissatisfaction w/ sex might be a banner issue for discontent w/ her/the relationship in general.

Ok, everyones been over the don't cheat thing so I won't go into that. Go back to the times when you first started dating, did you remember doing those romantic things for her? Remember taking her places she loved, having fun with her, enjoying her company.

If she doesn't spark up to these things, somethings wrong, talk to her, go somewhere where you two can be alone, ask her what's been happening and if counselling is needed then your best chance is to go and seek some.

Women don't like to be chased after, well they do, but not when just sex is the issue. Give us an update on how things are going :)

NO!
 

Don't go outside of your marriage!!! Talk about it with her. Clear communication is the key! There are sex therapists you can go to, there are pills she can take that can help her sex drive, lets see, there is alcohol, etc.
:lol:

Seriously though, this is not a laughing matter. Honesty is the best policy. You've got to communicate your feelings to her.

Give updates!

Communication
Initiation
Masturbation

No Frustration

In That Order

If she hasn't been to the doctor lately, she may need to have her thyroid checked. When that shuts down, all the fun parts become very sensetive, but not in a good way.

If that's the problem, it's treatable.

Thanks to you all for your kind advices. I have started talking to her 2 years ago on the subject. Wrote her letter, letft her poems, put notes in her clothes. As she always like to watch me masturbate, I even taped myself doing it and gave it to her to watch when I am traveling. I talked to her about hormonal check. She laughed at the last one! Every time I try something to get us closer and that it doesn't fall during her day of the month, she tells me that I am a pain with this. I really don't want to get another wife. I love her and want to make love to her so much. Going to someone else is not my first choice, but masturbation goes so far!

As for the shape, I am no Brad Pitt, but have no problem with what I have to offer. I have always kept in great shape. It just plainly doesn't interrest her!

Don't get down on yourself... I'd be willing to bet that it's not you or her attraction to you at all.

I'm not sure you mentioned your ages, but if you've known her for 25 years, I'm gonna guess she's might be in her late 30s/early 40s.. She might very well be peri-menopausal which can wreak havoc with hormones and sex drive. This can effect women in their late 30s to early 40s, simple diet changes can alleviate some of the symptoms from it.

Her lack of sex drive is something she should discuss with her doctor, but unless she sees it as a problem that might not come up.

maybe some other antics.. a blow up doll perhaps... im pretty sure they can make dolls that are 'near human' these days..and to whatever specifications you want.. i can even bring in a pic..im serious.... i saw it on tv a few weeks ago :)..really.. i did!

that way u can make love to your wife when shes not in the mood or has a headache.. and that once a week lucky dip..and mrs palmer ever now and then, and your all ok!

Any of you guys / ladies with the same problems?

Have some girls I talk with online that complain that their boyfriends dont seem to like sex. She wants it everyday, where as he's satifisied with a paltry few times a month. And yes, this flips me out.

You know what sucks though? Its what would happen if you left her for a woman with a supposedly higher sex drive. Hypotheticly speaking, lets say your now ex-wife got together with a new man. Lets be honest here...what kind of sex drive would she exhibit with her new man in those first months? And why?

If you want to rekindle her libido, then its up to YOU (no, the both of you, but you'll get faster effect if you take responsibility) to make things more exciting. You have to find ways to break the pattern of monotony. Get kinky, play games, Roleplay, whatever. Plenty of literature on the subject, so start looking. But one things for sure, if you dont do something to jumpstart your sex life, you will end up getting a divorce, or resolving yourself to a marriage where sex is more like a holiday (thanksgiving).

Nighstuff,

I agree with you. If you go back on what I wrote earlier, I tried so many things that I am now almost of ideas. As for changing wife, I know I am looking for the wrong thing, but I would be looking for someone with the same problems and needs. Basically a sex partner... I know it sounds bad, but it is the only way can see it!.....

Damn man, that really does suck. I was together with a woman for 5 years that had a dead libido, supposedly due to a sex hangup. Everything else with our relationship was fulfilling: the friendship, the tenderness, the compassion. One morning she comes home after being away all night to tell me that she had finally found passion, but with another man. Just like that, her hangup was fixed. I learned alot from that experience...just a shame it ate 5 years of my life.

I sincerely believe that the only way you'll change things is through a traumatic experience. Someone needs to drop a bomb on your marriage, laser guided to strike at the sex part. I honestly feel that such a bomb would be threat of divorce. She needs to know at the core of her being that you WILL get divorced if something doesn't happen. What you do next is up to you. I suggest you drop the bomb, then leave to stay with friends/family. Take time away to give things perspective. THEN arrange for talks and marriage counseling. Then put your heart into saving the marriage, and stay faithful, for your future sanity's sake. With luck and hard work, things might just turn around.

Wow. Yeah that'll make her just horny as hell won't it. If you want to increase her sex drive, threats and anger aren't the way to go about it. Work through it with her. It's not like she's doing it just to upset you - she wants to make you happy just as much as you want to make her happy. Work through the problem as a couple, not by "dropping bombs" on her.

You havent payed enough attention to the thread Shakran. I first suggested he work on the sex drive through changing the behavior (read: making things more exciting again).

He replied that he had tried just about everything he knew, without results. How longs he supposed to beat a dead horse. If he's come so far in his throught process as to consider an affair, then something BIG needs to happen.

I don't believe in making threats either! She is not being this way to piss me off. I strongly believe that it is the lack of desire period. She knows and has told me that she wants it only for a short period of time. We used to have sex very often. It was great. So I was thinking of ways to fill the need in some other ways until my own desires start to decrease with time and age. I know I am not 25 anymore (just turned 43) but feel the same desire as before!

Really, Truenorth, strong sex drive becoming weak sex drive=visit to the doctor to make sure things are operating correctly.

What exactly would be enough sex for you? Is she willing to meet you half way on your requests. (and if she says that you are being a pain, it sounds like you are coming dangerously close to whining about not getting nooky... whining about anything can get tiresome...)

Well let's say that once per month is not exactly much. Although I would go for more, once per week would be OK. I am a starting to be a pain after 3 weeks. Can you call this whinning?

Good god man! NO no no... do you realize how pathetic you sounded saying that? Repeat after me: "I deserve better". <Dr Ruth voice> you deserve good sex, and she does too. Don't settle for anything less. Stand up for whats important to you, because its your responsibility.

Biggest problem behind the sex therapy and improvement thing is the simple fact that you want more sex but she doesn't give a shit. Until she wants to change, you'll only be spinning your wheels. Something BIG needs to happen.

Gentlemen... if your wives are refusing to give you sex and you've done everything in your power to help them get in the mood (i.e. take them on dates, be "romantic," attempted to meet all of her emotional and psychological needs, etc) and they're still being frigid towards you and you don't want to remain sexless for the rest of your days then DIVORCE them.

Why should you stay in a sexless marriage when you've taken the vow to forsake all others and be true to that one person if they deny you constantly?

If they want to remain sexless then they should join a convent and become nuns. They shouldn't submit their husbands to such torture.

Ummmm, no. There's more to a marriage than sex.

Yo are right about this. That is why I want to work it out and have tried many things. Sex is not the only thing in marriage, but one of the things.

...
 

I don't know about the divorce advice. I would never suggest that. I think this is a problem that can be fixed.
First of all, one piece of advice that I would like to give is Make Sure you don't get hung up on porn. It will just cause more problems. I understand that you have to 'take care' of things yourself a lot, but still don't get so caught up in it. You will become more preoccupied with it than your wife.

I wonder if this period thing is a reason for her to let go. Like alcohol for some women. You know how some women can be so shy while sober, get a few drops in them and BAM. They're a sex freak. Maybe she doesn't feel confident while off of her period. She has an excuse while being on her period to let go and feel sexy and . . .have sex! It's a long shot I know. It's just that some women feel like acting out just simply isn't what they do. They need an excuse to.

Has she gone to the doctor at all? Will she?

Show her this thread.

save some money and take her to the strip club
make her jealous a bit


or ask if she's cheating on you.. :shrug:

This happens all the time. For males, quality of one's sex life is the number one predictor of marital satisfaction. If it were me personally, i'd get myself out of any sexless marriage.

I've been looking back at your previous posts, and I was interested in the types of threads that you have started here:
It seems that you have been searching for the answer for a while, but perhaps asking the wrong questions.

You're right that there's more to sex than marriage, but a spouse should never deny sex to their partner because part of the deal in a monogamous marriage is that you won't go have sex with other people and that you'll remain faithful.

Rather than be tempted to cheat because your spouse is denying you sex it is wiser to pull the plug on the marriage and be freed up to meet other people.

Masturbate more, obviously. Just be sure to heed 5757's advice about the porn. It can really jade you so I'm told.

absolutely. But there should be an equal give and take as well.

cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat















But you'll regret it.

Don't think its been suggested yet but have you and your wife have considered "parnter-swapping"? I don't know what's the proper term (swinging?) but it might be able to jumpstart your sex life again with other women plus, from stories of some couples, it can make the marriage stronger.

Again, I'm just suggesting what the others have experienced, not what I've gone through. I'm only 21 for christ's sake :P

Yeah, I dunno about masturbating more... I mean, to fulfill your own needs, sure. But if you aren't solving the root of the problem, which is the change in her sex drive, then more masturbation and porn-gazing will only make you more bitter, distanced, and unhappy in the long run... because you're MARRIED, man. Sex is not everything, but if you are incompatible in any way in a marriage (emotionally, spiritually, sexually, etc), then no amount of self-pleasure is going to save you.

Have you said to her,

"I feel hurt when you only want to have sex with me once a month."
"I feel like you don't find me attractive anymore when we don't have regular sex."
"I feel rejected when you don't want to have sex with me more often."
"I feel like you care less about our marriage, because you aren't willing to work on this problem with me."

Then, if she replies positively...
"Would you be willing to see a doctor/therapist/etc? We can go together."

etc. etc.

ACK! Do we ONLY get married to have a convenient sex partner, or is it because we LOVE the person whom we're marrying?

Divorce gets you out of the sexless marriage, but doesn't help the one person whom you've pledged to help above all else. Part of the problem with this is the fact that divorce is completely and utterly selfish. The wife's lack of libido is more than likely NOT a selfish act - something's wrong.

It may be physical, psychological, or something in the relationship, but if you fix what's WRONG, you fix the problem.

Now, if you go through counseling, check her out medically, make sure everything's alright...do weekly dates, make things more romantic, THEN she's still not getting her libido back... Then and only then would I even suggest considering divorce.

It is for men like yourself that Massage Parlours and Escorts exist.

Definatley follow the advice that everyone here has given you about talking to your wife, treating her well, romancing her, etc. True happiness and success will be had only from your marriage.

Avoid the complication of an affair. You do not want to go down this road for all the reasons that have been detailed above.

Go to a massage parlour (euphemistically known as a rub and tug). Do your research and find a clean one. Sex for money will give you relief from the stress you are experiencing from the lack of sex from your wife. It also is the ultimate, no strings attached sex. It sounds crass but what you are paying for is not really the sex (you can get that for free) you are paying for the woman (or man) to leave when you are finished.

Just remember, this is not love sex, it is really only a step up from masturbation.

There will be many who will denouce me for this post but for some men it is the ultimate solution to a sexless (but not loveless) marriage.

If you do not have love, you probably shouldn't be married at all.

I'M 53 AND SHE IS 43.WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 16 YRS AND SHE HAS HAD THE SEX DRIVE OF A TURTTLE SINCE" I DO" 6 YRS. AGOAND SHE SWITCHED TO CHOCOLATE.ANNOUNCED I WAS LOOKING AND THINGS GOT A LITTLE BIT BETTER LIKE AFTER SHE FOUND RESPONSES FROM SEX SEARCH.COM/ADULTFRIEND FINDER ON THE PUTER.THERE ARE MARRIED LADIES OUT THERE WITH THE SAME PROBLEM.

REGARDLESS I'M STILL HANGING WITH BIG MAMMA AND IT'S GETTING BETTER.

PS-THE CANDY HAS BECOME ABOUT A 50 LB WEIGHT ADDITION THAT HAS NOT HELPED EITHER OF US.

GOOD LUCK(SORRY FOR THE CAPS ,TOO MUCH MASTURBATION GETTING TO MY EYES)

Respectfully, RB, this is also illegal in many jursidictions. If caught propositioning for sex, you may be subject to arrest, impound of your vehicle, and public trial.

To the OP - ask yourself this: "If I get caught, does it help or hurt my marriage?"

I did pay attention to the thread. But that doesn't change the fact that if I go up to a woman and essentially say "bitch, fuck me or get out" it's not going to accomplish the stated goal.

There's still plenty of options available to them without "dropping bombs."

Move to Canada. It is legal here.

NICE. Canada's appealing to me more & more lately (and NOT necessarily b/c of political/Presidential reasons).

It is beautiful in the Great White North. The Truenorth!...

I do not post on here very often, more of a browser. :) However, I have been cheated on before. The no sex-drive pointed me to this conclusion and it was true. I hope for your sake it is not. But I can tell you this, DO NOT cheat. You will only destroy any chance you have at being happy with her if she is not already cheating on you.

This message has been deleted.

as much fun as that sounds to some people, unless its liked by her you will have more than lack of sex to deal with. youll have an angry wife and a potential lawsuit. "take what is rightfully yours" is incredibly subjective nad thus an invalid way to go about dealing with the situation.

ummm... that's called RAPE! 'rightfully yours'?? I don't mean to sound rude, but my first thought when i read that was "you're sick." Do you know that is the reason that most rapists give?? not a good lot of people to be aligned with....

seriously, be a little more sensitive when giving advice... such advice would lead to a Divorce right away... and also probably a criminal case.

As to the original poster..

Communicate your needs... if your needs aren't important to her... Then leave the marriage and find someone more suitable.

Also... have you tried sexual couseling?? it works wonders for some couples.


What would i do personally?? My husband and i have talked about this before... i have a very high sex drive and so does he... If our marriage were to start being sexless, i know that it would end in divorce. Life is too short to not have passion in your life.


Sweetpea

Such a difficult place. Sounds like you're very loyal if it has taken you this long to figure out if you want to look elsewhere. Hate to say it, but I'm going to have to go with those who recommend sitting down and having a frank discussion, including asking if she is cheating. Find out what options she wants to give you. One day a month has to be painful. See if she would be ok with you seeing someone else to meet your needs. Even suggesting something as drastic as that might just be the "bomb" to show her it's a real issue.

Sounds like you're trying to be romantic and encouraging. That's good to hear. Find out what issues are going along with this limited sex drive. Ask often if she would be willing to see a doctor or a counselor about this. Show her it's about her health as well as your own. Is she on some sort of new religious kick that encourages abstinence? Is she cheating on you? Does she enjoy torturing you? Does she just not realize how challenging this is for you?

Good luck.

lol way to go charlatan! it what everyone was thinking but afraid to say.. at least charlatan had the guts to finally say it.

besides its probably cheaper than a date :D

Hehe, actually, I think he's talking about bondage when he says "tie her up". It can be a huge turn on for some (actually i dare say most enjoy it some form...being tied up and teased can be niiiice), and definately rocket fuel for a sex drive. Doesnt sound to me like you've really tried it to know.

seems this relationship has plenty of love and tenderness, but what it might not have, when it comes to the sex part, is excitement. Experimenting with kinky things like bondage could be the answer.

But looking for sex elsewhere is a one-way ticket to divorce lane if you ask me. Id rather get tough with her than cheat. Maybe im a "jerk" and make threats and demands to make things work, but I dont cheat on my girl.

Unfortunately what Guccilvr has said has crossed my mind too :|

Sounds to me like you've tried everything...and she just isn't interested. At least you know where you stand and that gives us a starting point.

Part of the problem might be the lack of "affection" instead of lack of "sex". For instance, when you try to initiate sex, how does she reject you? Does she simply ignore you, push you away, tell you to stop, get angry/hostile, or what? Let her know that there's a good way to reject you and a bad way.

You're going to have to come up with some guidelines that work for you, but as a start let her know that if she doesn't want sex, to: touch you, hold you, kiss you, and say something like, "Sorry honey, but I'm just not in the mood right now. I hope you understand that I still love you." The point is, "how" she rejects has a lot to do with what you're feeling.

Women talk a lot about how their needs are "different"...and they're right. But this also means that men are different too. Men need sex in almost the same manner that women need emotional attention. Ask your wife how she would feel if you only talked to her once a month and the rest of the time ignored her. Eventually she would feel unloved, her self esteem would suffer and she would start thinking about getting out of the marriage because she feels unwanted. Obviously you're feeling the same way right now. You need to communicate "how" this situation makes you feel, in a manner that she understands.

"Cheating" on your wife will work in the short term, because you'll start to feel needed again and you'll be having sex. However, from what I've read in this thread, you show all the classic symptoms of simply wanting attention. You probably want to have an affair so that you'll get caught. When she finds out about the affair and the shit hits the fan, even the negative attention you'll get from your wife is better than no attention.

If you communicate these things to your wife and she still doesn't respond, that puts us into another area altogether. At that point, you're going to have to sit down and prioritize your needs. If this truly has been going to for a few years and she doesn't respond to the suggestions above, it's not good for either of you. If we were sitting across from each other, I'd hand you a calendar and a big red marker and tell you to "Pick a day when your leaving, and let's start planning backwards to make this work."

MoJo

Dude! Don't be deceived by her darling screen name, I'm rather certain sweetpea has plenty of experience in a variety of...endeavors. :crazy:

I'd encourage you to not suggest that folks don't truely know about something if they have a different viewpoint, at least not until you get to know them better.

That's all.
:)

are you serious? you're right thats horrible advice

and how could it have worked for you? If you go by "biblical thinking" in deciding its rightfully yours....you have to be married for that to be so.....I didnt think you were married yet :confused:

*wrinkles nose* hmm... yeah ok, you got me.

Didnt mean it like that though Sweetpea. Just used that line to emphasis my point that it was unfair to assume he meant marital rape, though I agree he sounded a bit creepy with his phrasing. For all i know, you've got a well-oiled dungeon in the basement :p

TrueNorth - As a girl who loves booty, but is dealing with low hormones/drive issues... You have to have that talk. And you have to ask two-maybe three- questions.

One: Is it me?
Two: Are you cheating?
Three: If those are no, then please, please, please, let's go to the doctor and get you checked out. Especially since you used to have a strong sex life.

You clearly love her, and are trying to do the right thing. Don't give up. I'm betting on hormone changes ala peri-menopause, as was mentioned earlier.

I have to disagree with Charlatan only because even if you're paying for it, it's still cheating.

hehe no worries.

I'm into bondage myself and practice it in my own marriage.

I was pointing out that there is a difference between doing bondage together as part of a loving relationship and using bondage wrongly to "solve" a problem of not getting enough sex. That was what i was objecting to. Bondage won't solve anything for a situation such as this... only communication and being open about one's needs will.

back to the op, How is it going TrueNorth?? Have you discussed things with your wife?? We're all here if you still would like to talk about it.

Sweetpea

Two things.
 

1. If you have discussed this with her and she is okay with not fulfilling your needs (within reason) than you have a bigger problem then sex. Does she no longer feel the need to be initmate with you in other ways? How much time do you get to spend with her? Is she overworked?

2. Masturbate. It's less tiring, and in a technical senses it provides better direct stimulation, and you can look at other women while you do it! She get's to blow you off, you get porn! Win win scenario ;-)

No question. It is definately cheating. The reason I suggest it is because IF you are resolved to find sex outside of your marriage, it is the better way to go.

An affair with another person is not fair to that other person. Emotional attatchments with another person can lead to a more trouble than you started with (it's like the old lady that swallowed a fly...).

If you are happy in all other aspects of your marriage AND you feel you have done everything in your power to solve the issue of sex that lies between you and your partner and you are resolved to find sex outside of your marriage... sex for money is the lesser of two evils.

In the end, it is one step up from masturbation. If a man was used to his wife giving him massages or foot rubs on a regular basis and then she just lost interest in giving them, no one would bat an eye if he started going to a Massage Therapist or a Reflexologist. As soon as the issue of orgasm enters into the calculation it suddenly becomes a "really big issue".

While I respect the reasons why people feel this way (we tend to place a lot of our self worth in how our partners veiw us sexually and if they get sex elsewhere, it appears to diminish us -- have I not read, many posters here say that a relationship is more than just sex? If so, it has to cut both ways) I just don't understand why it has to be this way.


So again... yes it is cheating BUT it is the physical act of sex he craves not the emotional attachment of another lover. He apparently gets this from his wife already.

In an ideal world, a woman who doesn't really want sex with her husband should encorage he man to seek out professional help.

I never really thought of it like that before. I guess I am guilty of making it a "Really Big Issue" when sexual contact is concerned. Hmmmm.
/start joke
Would these sessions be covered under the Provincial Health Plans? They should be! As a matter of fact, a province could use that as a marketing slogan: "Prince Edward Island, where your sexual release is covered! Come for the sex, stay for the food!"

Oh, wait. I think Ontario already has a plan: It fucks its citizens on a weekly basis.
/end joke

But I understand what you are saying, Charlatan. As a matter of fact, I think I might agree with you. I don't condone prostitution, as I am told it comes with some really severe social problems. I have never been exposed to it, so I don't know first hand. I am not one of those posters who is all "My sister was a prostitute so that makes me an expert in the subject". I am just saying what I have heard.

I am going to have to think about this alot more.

Ben... I seem to remember a push in Germany to make visits to prostitutes deductable... I think it was a loop hole in their system that has since been plugged.

As for the social problems, I think like many (some) things that fall under "vice", the social problems are more an aspect of the illegality of the activities.

I would think there would be a big difference between a woman working on the streets (crack whore or being pimped, etc.) and one that works from her own apartment, for herself. I maybe naive but I don't think so.

After all the reading... and thinking...I have to tell you that I have found someone..... My wife... With all that she means to me and gives me, I guess that although the sex is kind of important, it is not the most important thing.

Thank you all for your advices....

Have you considered inviting her to TFP? It would be interesting to hear her side.

I was thinking the same thing as Redlemon. She'd learn a lot as i imagine you already have.

I was wondering why I was feeling more satisfied lately! :lol:

But to address Charl's strategy, how do you explain the Visa bill to your SO?

** oh, do you know any good locations along the Danforth?

I would imagine it is all cash transactions... not that I would know. Same for the Danforth...

Good for you.....and wise.

Now that you have said that.....lemme tell you a little story:

There was once a man (Call him "T"), who was married to a frigid woman for many years. Sex was rare, and there was no love to be found in it."T" tried talking about the issue with her, and even went to councelling with his wife to try to get to the underlying issue.
Years of drought passed before he realized the woman he married had major sex issues, instilled in her by her mother. One night....seven years into the marriage "T" was trying one last time to be romantic, massage, dinner, ego building....and he was met with this simple statement.

" I suppose it is my wifely duty"

They never slept together again....and were divorced three months later.


No Matter What....you need to try, make the attempt to "Fix" what is wrong in a relationship. But there may come a time, when the effort simply shows you the brick wall behind the door you finally open.

This message has been deleted.

Truenorth, great choice mate :thumbsup:
But as Tecoyah summed up in his story there, if you truely aren't happy then there's not much point hanging around, especially if you've tried every other possible means >_<