longdistance problems - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

randomness · 10-19-2005, 03:42 AM

Hey. I'm in a relativly new long-distance relationship. He is 8 years older than me (I'm 20). He dropped 'the L-bomb' (as I have seen it referred to here) the second night. He talks about the future an immense amount. He's got the next 4 years planned. I can talk to him about everything and we have discussed his use of the word 'love' and his reasons for planning but b/c he likes me to such an extreme extent more than I like him it's making the whole thing kind of lop-sided and I don't know if it's healthy for either one of us. I'm not saying I don't like him - b/c I do - it's just he is so much more intense with the feelings. A lot of this has to do with the fact that he's 28. One of the reason he plans so much is that it'll be 3 or 4 years until we are living in the same place (b/c of my school and my comfort level). There was some random talk about him moving out to where I live but I think it's been decided that that is a bad idea. I am not comfortable having sex with him and the timeline for that activity is 4 years. He says that if it's not a problem for him now it won't become one. Is that realistic? I don't know. I don't know really what the point of this random post is - but if you can help or offer any advice that would be appreciated. Thanks.

maleficent · 10-19-2005, 03:51 AM

Guys who get too serious that quickly make me nervous, his intentions might be completely honorable, but I've seen others use it as a control mechanism.

Stick to your guns and do what's right for you and what makes you feel comfortable.

Because it's dealing with you, and no one can tell you if it's right or wrong. Why the 4 year timeline on having sex with him?

Some questions for you... Just cuz I'm a busybody... How far apart are you location wise. How'd you meet him? How often do you get together in person?

Good luck with wherever this takes you

shesus · 10-19-2005, 03:57 AM

From the information you've provided, it seems as if he has shared a lot of information with you about his feelings and expectations, but you haven't shared anythig. I am not saying that to attack you, it is just the way I read it. Seems to me that if you want this relationship to work, you need to be opened and honest with him. It is not fair for either one of you to drag this out it you have different expectations. I also don't know about his promise not to have sex for 3-4 years. Maybe, but I doubt it.
OK, my advice, tell him how you feel. That it's going too fast, you don't feel as strongly as he does at this point in time, etc. Age is a huge factor for most people because of maturity and what-not. You are only 20 and have a lot of time ahead of you. You should be enjoying yourself, not strapped to a guy who wants a relationship if you aren't ready.

randomness · 10-19-2005, 04:11 AM

Maleficent - He's in Ontario and I normally live in Saskatchewan. I met him during a work thing this summer. This is my first real relationship and I have some personal issues. I am also merely not comfortable with sex. I want to make sure that we are real before I start into that and the only way for me to tell if it's real is if we were living in the same town and that won't happen until 3 or 4 years down the road.

ohh-shesus - Thanks for your insight. We talk about everything and I've told him and explained to him how I feel about everything. We really have a good communication - which you have to have when it's all long distance. I told him yesterday in fact, that I was amazed at how close and intense our relationship has gotten in the past couple of weeks merely by talking. I haven't seen him. As for being 'strapped' to a guy. That's not how I look at it at all - I never wanted a relationship. I was really happy being single and then I met him. I like being in a relationship with him - I'm just confused and scared at all the possibilities - possibilities of pain and tears as well as for joy.
Thanks a lot - now I'm even more confused! : )

cptgreedle · 10-19-2005, 07:32 AM

I have two words for all people in LDRs (long distance relationships):
Avoid them!

I have seen nothing but trouble from them. Either one of them gets way to serious, or they just get moody and depressed and end up splitting up anyways.
Never try a sexual/love relationship over the internet.
As for your situation, tell him to slow down. Tell him he is going to fast and you don't want your life planned out like that right now. If he knows how you feel about your relationship, and he remains serious about you, he will do what he can to make your relationship for comfotable for you.
Not being comfortable with sex is not unusual, and it is not a problem. My fiance and i decided to hold off on sex as well when we first got together because we wanted to make sure we were right for each other. Now we are just going to wait till our marriage. Abstenence can lead to nothing bad, (no std, no unwanted pregnency, etc), but sex with someone you aren't sure about can.
If he says he will wait 3-4 years for you, give him the benefit of the doubt. I know it seems like guys can't hold off from sex nowadays, but there are guys out there who are trust worthy and can resist temptation 9at least to some degree).
LDRs are really hard, and i doubt anything I said really helped...
Good luck

randomness · 10-25-2005, 06:48 AM

He came up last weekend to see me. I am so glad that he did. It really but alot of my worries behind me and it opened up some lines of communication as well. We do have really good communication - which I am glad about. The long distance thing really sucks but if you are both committed to making it work - in therory, it shouldn't be a problem. I just get randomly worried about stuff - but if I talk to him about it - it prevents my insane worries from becoming actual problems. It was so great to see him this weekend. meh.

5757 · 10-25-2005, 08:44 AM

So, I'm curious as to how you feel about it being lop sided N all. I am in a similar situation. I am 20 years younger than the guy I'm 'talking' to. He is getting very serious very quickly. I don't want it to go any further partly because of how quickly his feelings have grown. It's scary to me. Obvioiusly you have some type of strong feelings for this guy of yours. What do you think will happen between the two of you?
I just think the age gap feels naturally wrong in some situations. You don't feel this way at all do you?
Give an update from time to time!

Sugar&Spice · 10-25-2005, 10:45 AM

He said he loved you on the second night you two had been together? Personally, that would scare me a lot. It seems like he has already decided in his mind that you two are going to get married and spend the rest of your lives together. I would want him to slow down a lot! You seem to be happy with it, so just take it one day at a time and see what happens.

nightstuff · 10-26-2005, 06:44 AM

If a girl told me she loved me after two nights together, and started laying down 4 year plans with me, I'd be oh-so-flattered, but definately a bit creeped out. How could I ever trust such endearments? I might very well still want to "have a taste", but there would still be this deeply seated mistrust which might cause issues down the road. Hehe, I'd probably just haul ass out of there, actually...

LDR's can be such agony and bliss, in that you've found someone that really feels right, yet can't be with them enough. How can I turn my back on someone I click with, if it might be her thats "the one". The hell with whats right and wrong, I want her. Love doesnt know limitations, those we (try to) set ourselves.

5757 · 11-03-2005, 10:05 AM

Hello! Can we have an update? That would be cool. By the way - I ended it with the creepy old guy I talked about. I Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

randomness · 11-03-2005, 03:49 PM

Sorry. It's going okay. We had our first 'fight' the other day. That was kinda stressful only because it was over the phone and it took a while longer to deal with than if we were in the same room - if you are in the same room you can just kiss and make up. But it's good. He's coming up again on Nov 11 to see me. We both can't wait and miss each other terribly. We are totally 12 about the situation - we have to talk to each other every night, even though we have nothing to say. and we constantly talk about mauling.
I think I love him.

5757 · 11-04-2005, 02:39 PM

Thanks for the update. You know, I think the reason this last relationship I had failed is because of the fighting and inability to resolve it. I agree that it's just impossible to make up when you can't look eachother in the eye. Well good luck with your honey. I hope everything turns out okay for you two. Just remember to watch how you speak to eachother. When all you have is eachother's voices, you have to really watch your tones.

randomness · 11-07-2005, 03:59 AM

Hey, 5757, I agree with the idea of the tones of voice and told him about it - he agrees and says that that makes sense. We were fighting like every other conversation and it was becoming not fun anymore. I had previously said that I don't care where this relationship goes as long as it's fun - and when it becomes not fun then I'd have to think about it. I think he was scared that I was gonna leave him as well - which probably added to the problem. But, the last 5 or 6 conversations have been nothing but fun - which is great. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know that he's coming up this weekend as well and hopefully we'll get a lot of mauling in. lol.

Anyways, I'm sure I'll revive this thread when problems arise but for the moment. Thanks.

One other random question: We are not having sex or anything close to it (no bj's, pants remain ON) but I was wondering if anyone could suggest another random thing I could do for him sexually. I just feel like he does stuff to give me pleasure and I wanted to reciprocate. I asked him about it and he says he's happy when I'm happy but still...

Anyways, Thanks.

10-19-2005, 03:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
randomness Upright	longdistance problems Hey. I'm in a relativly new long-distance relationship. He is 8 years older than me (I'm 20). He dropped 'the L-bomb' (as I have seen it referred to here) the second night. He talks about the future an immense amount. He's got the next 4 years planned. I can talk to him about everything and we have discussed his use of the word 'love' and his reasons for planning but b/c he likes me to such an extreme extent more than I like him it's making the whole thing kind of lop-sided and I don't know if it's healthy for either one of us. I'm not saying I don't like him - b/c I do - it's just he is so much more intense with the feelings. A lot of this has to do with the fact that he's 28. One of the reason he plans so much is that it'll be 3 or 4 years until we are living in the same place (b/c of my school and my comfort level). There was some random talk about him moving out to where I live but I think it's been decided that that is a bad idea. I am not comfortable having sex with him and the timeline for that activity is 4 years. He says that if it's not a problem for him now it won't become one. Is that realistic? I don't know. I don't know really what the point of this random post is - but if you can help or offer any advice that would be appreciated. Thanks.

10-19-2005, 03:51 AM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Guys who get too serious that quickly make me nervous, his intentions might be completely honorable, but I've seen others use it as a control mechanism. Stick to your guns and do what's right for you and what makes you feel comfortable. Because it's dealing with you, and no one can tell you if it's right or wrong. Why the 4 year timeline on having sex with him? Some questions for you... Just cuz I'm a busybody... How far apart are you location wise. How'd you meet him? How often do you get together in person? Good luck with wherever this takes you __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

10-19-2005, 03:57 AM	#3 (permalink)
shesus Fancy Location: Chicago	From the information you've provided, it seems as if he has shared a lot of information with you about his feelings and expectations, but you haven't shared anythig. I am not saying that to attack you, it is just the way I read it. Seems to me that if you want this relationship to work, you need to be opened and honest with him. It is not fair for either one of you to drag this out it you have different expectations. I also don't know about his promise not to have sex for 3-4 years. Maybe, but I doubt it. OK, my advice, tell him how you feel. That it's going too fast, you don't feel as strongly as he does at this point in time, etc. Age is a huge factor for most people because of maturity and what-not. You are only 20 and have a lot of time ahead of you. You should be enjoying yourself, not strapped to a guy who wants a relationship if you aren't ready. __________________ Whatever did happen to your soul? I heard you sold it Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

10-19-2005, 07:32 AM	#5 (permalink)
cptgreedle Upright Location: Earth	I have two words for all people in LDRs (long distance relationships): Avoid them! I have seen nothing but trouble from them. Either one of them gets way to serious, or they just get moody and depressed and end up splitting up anyways. Never try a sexual/love relationship over the internet. As for your situation, tell him to slow down. Tell him he is going to fast and you don't want your life planned out like that right now. If he knows how you feel about your relationship, and he remains serious about you, he will do what he can to make your relationship for comfotable for you. Not being comfortable with sex is not unusual, and it is not a problem. My fiance and i decided to hold off on sex as well when we first got together because we wanted to make sure we were right for each other. Now we are just going to wait till our marriage. Abstenence can lead to nothing bad, (no std, no unwanted pregnency, etc), but sex with someone you aren't sure about can. If he says he will wait 3-4 years for you, give him the benefit of the doubt. I know it seems like guys can't hold off from sex nowadays, but there are guys out there who are trust worthy and can resist temptation 9at least to some degree). LDRs are really hard, and i doubt anything I said really helped... Good luck __________________ Once I stopped to think, and forgot to start up again.

10-25-2005, 08:44 AM	#7 (permalink)
5757 Insane Location: Vegas!!	... So, I'm curious as to how you feel about it being lop sided N all. I am in a similar situation. I am 20 years younger than the guy I'm 'talking' to. He is getting very serious very quickly. I don't want it to go any further partly because of how quickly his feelings have grown. It's scary to me. Obvioiusly you have some type of strong feelings for this guy of yours. What do you think will happen between the two of you? I just think the age gap feels naturally wrong in some situations. You don't feel this way at all do you? Give an update from time to time! __________________ Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

10-19-2005, 04:11 AM	#4 (permalink)
randomness Upright	Maleficent - He's in Ontario and I normally live in Saskatchewan. I met him during a work thing this summer. This is my first real relationship and I have some personal issues. I am also merely not comfortable with sex. I want to make sure that we are real before I start into that and the only way for me to tell if it's real is if we were living in the same town and that won't happen until 3 or 4 years down the road. ohh-shesus - Thanks for your insight. We talk about everything and I've told him and explained to him how I feel about everything. We really have a good communication - which you have to have when it's all long distance. I told him yesterday in fact, that I was amazed at how close and intense our relationship has gotten in the past couple of weeks merely by talking. I haven't seen him. As for being 'strapped' to a guy. That's not how I look at it at all - I never wanted a relationship. I was really happy being single and then I met him. I like being in a relationship with him - I'm just confused and scared at all the possibilities - possibilities of pain and tears as well as for joy. Thanks a lot - now I'm even more confused! : )

10-25-2005, 06:48 AM	#6 (permalink)
randomness Upright	He came up last weekend to see me. I am so glad that he did. It really but alot of my worries behind me and it opened up some lines of communication as well. We do have really good communication - which I am glad about. The long distance thing really sucks but if you are both committed to making it work - in therory, it shouldn't be a problem. I just get randomly worried about stuff - but if I talk to him about it - it prevents my insane worries from becoming actual problems. It was so great to see him this weekend. meh.

10-25-2005, 10:45 AM	#8 (permalink)
Sugar&Spice Psycho	He said he loved you on the second night you two had been together? Personally, that would scare me a lot. It seems like he has already decided in his mind that you two are going to get married and spend the rest of your lives together. I would want him to slow down a lot! You seem to be happy with it, so just take it one day at a time and see what happens. __________________ -Speak your mind even if your voice shakes

10-26-2005, 06:44 AM	#9 (permalink)
nightstuff Tilted Location: where polar bears walk the streets	If a girl told me she loved me after two nights together, and started laying down 4 year plans with me, I'd be oh-so-flattered, but definately a bit creeped out. How could I ever trust such endearments? I might very well still want to "have a taste", but there would still be this deeply seated mistrust which might cause issues down the road. Hehe, I'd probably just haul ass out of there, actually... LDR's can be such agony and bliss, in that you've found someone that really feels right, yet can't be with them enough. How can I turn my back on someone I click with, if it might be her thats "the one". The hell with whats right and wrong, I want her. Love doesnt know limitations, those we (try to) set ourselves.

11-03-2005, 10:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
5757 Insane Location: Vegas!!	Hello! Can we have an update? That would be cool. By the way - I ended it with the creepy old guy I talked about. I Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan. __________________ Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

11-03-2005, 03:49 PM	#11 (permalink)
randomness Upright	Sorry. It's going okay. We had our first 'fight' the other day. That was kinda stressful only because it was over the phone and it took a while longer to deal with than if we were in the same room - if you are in the same room you can just kiss and make up. But it's good. He's coming up again on Nov 11 to see me. We both can't wait and miss each other terribly. We are totally 12 about the situation - we have to talk to each other every night, even though we have nothing to say. and we constantly talk about mauling. I think I love him.

11-04-2005, 02:39 PM	#12 (permalink)
5757 Insane Location: Vegas!!	Thanks for the update. You know, I think the reason this last relationship I had failed is because of the fighting and inability to resolve it. I agree that it's just impossible to make up when you can't look eachother in the eye. Well good luck with your honey. I hope everything turns out okay for you two. Just remember to watch how you speak to eachother. When all you have is eachother's voices, you have to really watch your tones. __________________ Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana

11-07-2005, 03:59 AM	#13 (permalink)
randomness Upright	Hey, 5757, I agree with the idea of the tones of voice and told him about it - he agrees and says that that makes sense. We were fighting like every other conversation and it was becoming not fun anymore. I had previously said that I don't care where this relationship goes as long as it's fun - and when it becomes not fun then I'd have to think about it. I think he was scared that I was gonna leave him as well - which probably added to the problem. But, the last 5 or 6 conversations have been nothing but fun - which is great. Anyways, I just wanted to let you all know that he's coming up this weekend as well and hopefully we'll get a lot of mauling in. lol. Anyways, I'm sure I'll revive this thread when problems arise but for the moment. Thanks. One other random question: We are not having sex or anything close to it (no bj's, pants remain ON) but I was wondering if anyone could suggest another random thing I could do for him sexually. I just feel like he does stuff to give me pleasure and I wanted to reciprocate. I asked him about it and he says he's happy when I'm happy but still... Anyways, Thanks. Last edited by randomness; 11-07-2005 at 04:15 AM..