Married but looking
 

In a relationship but looking also apply.

I'm 32, male, got married for 1st time last November. Been in short-term relationships all my life, short-term = 2yrs or less.

I'm just wondering if other people who are in relationships find themselves thinking about hooking up with other people. I can't stop. All day, half the night I'm thinking about pursuing someone else. Not sure if its the chase/challenge, grass is greener on the other side, maybe i'm not cut out for a monogomous relationship, or what? I haven't been faithful in my last 3 relationships and not in this marriage either. I love my wife, don't want to hurt her, but unless something changes she doesn't need me messing up her life any worse or causing her pain thru either not treating her w/ respect, her finding out about my infedelity, or otherwise.

Do others have these feelings, but are able to contain them?

Are monogomous relationships "dieing"...b/c I don't see them working for me and alot of others I know?

Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, however I did go into it with the best intentions and hopes for things to work out. I used to think that getting married would "tame" me down and make me happy at the same time, ya know, getting the white picket fence and all.

Signed,

Not proud, looking for feedback

P.S. Bash away (unless funny), but I need serious thoughts.

Hi
I've never cheated on a girlfriend yet and will marry soon. I intend to be loyal to my wife for the rest of our lives. Yet there are billions of other ladies out there aren't there? How can I do this?
Cut down on porn and lusting over other women. I'm always going to know this lady I love has given me her heart forever to love and protect. I'm never going to break it. I'm better than that. She is trusting me for life and I won't repay that trust with infidelity. I've got self control. Sure if I need to I can imagine other women. I've got a history and can think of previous g/friends. I can imagine whoever I want when we are making love but that's not my plan.
Why would I want to have sex with someone else when I could catch a disease, give it to my wife, break her heart, break apart our marriage, leave our children in another broken home? I take my marriage vows very seriously. I'm a one woman man and proud to be. All the things we do for one another when married and in love, no one else can replace this with some fun in bed. If anyone offers I'll politely explain I'm married. End of discussion.

If you see the most beautiful girl who is 15 and gives you the come on I'll assume you won't go after her. So you can stop yourself, stop seeing other women as available because you are not.

I'm not a prude and if anyone wants an open marriage fair play to them.
My future wife does not and nor do I. Good luck!

Dude... you are 10 months into a marriage and you have already cheated? How does this happen? Where's the little voice on your shoulder saying "Wait, I'm married, I shouldn't do this"? Sure, I think about other women a lot, but I don't act on it. If you can't help but stray, either get out of the marriage, or stay out of situations where the opportunities present themselves.

"Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, however I did go into it with the best intentions and hopes for things to work out. I used to think that getting married would "tame" me down and make me happy at the same time, ya know, getting the white picket fence and all."

If this is why you got married, you got married for the wrong reasons. I don't think monogamy is 'natural', but it is a choice one has to make on their own. If your choice to marry was to 'tame you down' and get the 'white picket fence', you will never be totally happy in your situation. One of our very wise members has this on their wedding program and I think it holds very true:
"you don't marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without'.
I do know people who 'fool around' with at least partial knowledge of their SO's because those SO's would rather share than lose entirely. If you are not married to such a person, I think it's time to re-evaluate why you're married and if the inherent risks of stepping out are worth any loss. Do it now before kids, mortgage, the everyday ruts of life overcome you.

My honest opinion is that these are contradicting statements. It is as simple as this - If you love your wife, keep it in your pants.

If you aren't happy with your current relationship, that's fine - but why hurt the woman you "love?" Talk to her and tell her the truth. Own up to it like a man and divorce her if you are going to continue cheating on her.

This is all, however, based on the fact that she would react like many of the women that I know and not be happy with you cheating on her, nor be alright with having an "open marriage" Does she feel the same way? If so, maybe you could work something out with her - but lying to the woman you love - especiacially this early into the marriage - doesn't bode well for a bright and cheery future...

No bashing, but here's your mistake. I won't go into it further, because you already know that.
Look...we're all tempted. Hell, I'm tempted daily. It's what we do with that temptation that is character defining.

Hey Tim - Interesting question. As I'm sure you know, there are all sorts of people in the world. Some go to Baskin Robbins and want to try every flavor, and some go and get chocolate every single time and will until the day they die- in other words for some variety is the spice of life and for others it has to be the old tried and true. It's good to know which kind of person you are before you make major life decisions so you can accurately gauge whether or not you'll be able to fulfill the requirements of whatever role you take on, and so you can try to avoid situations that might be a temptation to you in an area in which you know you might have a weakness.
I find monogamy hard - I always have - but I've kept my vows, mostly because I like my life the way it is and I know fooling around would pretty much wreck everything and I don't want to do that because I really do love my family and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.
But yeah, I'm one of those people who like variety - so I know what you're talking about. Like Mr. Honest, I've just weighed the pros and cons and have decided I'm not able to risk everything I have for sex - and honestly- I'm not the type who could just engage in purely recreational sex anyway - it would get emotional and very, very messy. So I just always keep that in mind, and have filled my need for excitement in other ways. I could never pull it off anyway - I'm not a good liar and I feel really, really bad when I hurt someone or do something I know is wrong. It sounds like you do too...
It's good you're thinking of your wife's feelings - and if I were your wife, I'd appreciate you being honest with me at this point. You might just lay it out to her as you have here, and honestly tell her what your intentions were when you married her, and what you have found the reality to be. If I were her, I'd appreciate having the facts so that I could make an informed decision about what I was going to do with the rest of my life- and if she's anything like most women, she could probably forgive you the infidelity - but would have a harder time forgiving an ongoing deception that might make her feel like her whole life with you was a lie.

But whatever direction you decide to take, you should definitely do it before any children are involved. I hope it all works out- good luck to you.

PS- Does anyone know if people are less monogamous these days? That would be an interesting piece of information to have - as well as to ascertain what cultural factors either support or inhibit monogamy now as compared to in the past.

How very eloquently put - nice job Bill :D

~~~ Get Divorced ~~~

Some people aren't meant to be married, there's nothing wrong with that, just let your wife go then and be a bacholar, you'll probably be happier that way.

Sweetpea

Seriously. Man. I couldn't say it better.

Look, let me expand the discussion a little here. Monogamy is NOT the only viable lifestyle choice, but honesty is the only workable option in any sort of relationship. In my opinion, cheating isn't the physical act, it's the lie or withheld communication. Said another way, if you can't tell her about it, it's cheating. Said yet another way, the problem isn't the sex, it's the lying.

On certain rare occasions, I have sex with people who aren't my wife. On certain occasions, she does too. We both know all about it, and it's fine. It gives us an opportunity to bring our relationship to a new level. We're clear we're together by ongoing, moment-by-moment choice, and nothing else. There's no need or ownership in our relationship. (I mean, except when there IS. We're still human beings and we'll still have all those very normal human emotions. But we're clear we're bigger than them, and we're committed to being something larger than an emotional response with each other.)

My point is, marriage doesn't have to limit you. It can be the platform from which you live, not the ball and chain keeping you down.

I'm not going to repeat a lot of what's already been said, nor waste time telling you that your actions might not be for the best. You're looking at a potential train wreck, and you know it. I find the above statement to be intereting; I think you'd be best to figure out why you have this need to "commit" to relationships you can't actually commit to. It sounds to me like you need to determine what it is that you want out of a relationship, then either augment your current relationship to match your expectation, or bump out of it and go find what you want. Either way, you're not being honest, starting with being honest with yourself. What do you think will happen if you tell your wife about this?

In some ways i feel i got married b/c that is what I'm supposed to do, so says society. I also said, i got married b/c i thought it would "tame" me down and make me happy w/ the white picket fence and all. Both are true statements, i feel.

And b/c i felt this way I don't think getting married was a mistake.

If i were all happy right now, i would say i married her b/c i love her. But i'm expressing why i'm not happy.

So, if i'm the guy who has to try all 31 flavors at the ice cream shop, why did i get married. I didn't know i was that guy, I'm finding that out now. Perhaps looking at my history it would appear obvious, all i can say to that is hindsight is 20/20. If i had a crystal ball I wouldn't be on this site.

I have spoken to my wife and told her that i don't think I'm "marriage material". I didn't get into infidelity, as that would end it, but I did express my feelings that i thought getting married would make me happy and "tame" me down. Her response was "do you want me to leave". Yes and NO, i want my cake and eat it too. I can't continue with that, and I won't.

The bigger question for me is monogomy, when can it work for me?

Am I part of an ever growing group who find they can't be with only one person sexually? That i've done but remember all my relationships have been less than 2 yrs.

Or am I part of a group who can't be in long-term relationships that require monogomy?
Or I am the guy who can't settle down yet?
I love her, but i gotta bang someone else for a while.

If i was married to someone who was open to the idea of an "open" marriage, would i be hear now? Not sure. That one would seem to solve my problem here tho. BUT, she couldn't sleep with other men. Yes, its a pig like statement, but I can mess around, she can't.

So, one-sided, sexually yes I am. Other ways I'm not, she spends the money, drives the nicer vehicle, and frequently gets her way (I'm not saying thats bad, I just don't care what color the bathroom wall is).

I think I'm just a guy who likes to try all the flavors, but wants the same one in the freezer at home. Not gonna work, not with this woman.

So, can I change? Dunno.

Now, I've rambled a bit, but blow me the fuck up, i read all statements.

There is nothing inherently wrong with an open marriage, in my opinion. But there is something wrong (again in my opinion) with making an open marriage at the expense of the person you profess to love. Time to grow a couple balls and explain the truth to her, take your lumps, and likely move on. From what you have expressed here, it seems relatively obvious that you are not ready to commit to a woman, and instead still need to play with the girls a bit.
Good Luck....and wear a cup.

Tim, you're very well spoken and I find dilemmas like this very very interesting. It's true that sometimes you need to fuck up big time in order to clearly see the error in your ways. I think we've established that monogamous marriage is not for you right now. The only thing remaining to be answered is.. what IS for you?

Do you even want a commitment? Now, there ARE people who will be with you and let you be with others (and require the same for themselves) just as long as you come back to them at the end of the day. Would you want that? Or would you rather just play it solo from here on out?

You gotta answer these questions for yourself, then start on your quest to reach your goal.

...
 

I agree. It sounds like you're not supposed to be married yet. You should get a divorce before you are married too long. It will hurt her to know that you won't be together anymore, but it would hurt her even more to know that you stayed married to her and cheated the whole time. I bet if you were honest with her, she wouldnt want to be married to you anyway.
If you got a divorce and then realized later on in life that you are truly ready to settle down, maybe you guys could work it out.
Its not fair for her to think that you BOTH are being honest with eachother. You * are * not!

I read a book on this once. The advice that the marriage counselor gave was: From this point on, dont cheat anymore. Dont get a divorce either. Try to be faithful and love your wife. Be honest with her. Think about her reaction if you were to tell her the truth. If that doesnt keep you from cheating, then you do need to be honest with her. So, basically, if you can't stay faithful, let her know.

All of us are tempted from time to time. I agree with the person that said cut back on porn. You will see other females in public, thats a given. But, dont go out of your way to look and fantasize about other chicks. :D It will make it worse.

There's alot in there I agree with, I went through the same stage with my girlfriend, was doing things on webcam she didn't appreciate. I do love her, I told her the truth, she decided it was time we moved on. We seperated for abit and are now back together. I had time to think about what I wanted and what I didn't want. Perhaps this is what you need.

I agree on telling your wife the truth, this is the woman you said your vows with, I'm sure being faithful to each other would have popped up in there somewhere. As everyone else has said it seems you got married for the wrong reasons. If you get married to someone you get married because your love surpasses everthing else, including temptation. You have cheated, you should tell her. Explain indepth why you have done this, if she cannot handle being with you then so be it.

Why are you cheating? Is it that you are getting bored with the 'flavour' as you have put the synonym. But how are you having the flavour? In a plain ice cream cone? There's many many different ways to dress ice cream, and even more ways that sex can come about, perhaps you need to start exploring more.

I still agree whole heatedly that you need to tell your wife, if the guilt (if you're feeling any) doesn't eventually get to you, then she might find out another way. There are many ways to do this, but I personally would just say that you would like her to sit down so that you can talk, perhaps tell her this is going to hurt alot, ask her to prepare herself for what you are about to say then start from the beginning. Just don't make excuses and answer any questions that she's got if she has any.

Whatever happens I hope it all works out for you :)

Talk to your wife about your feelings.
Figure it out from there.
True and lasting love is something that develops over time and struggle. If you want this marriage to work, let her know and see how (if) you can work things out. See a professional marriage counselor. If monogamy is a goal for you, make it a priority. If it isn't, make sure your wife knows and won't be emotionally distraught. For all you know, she might be interested in living a similar lifestyle.

To look is to be human. Anyone who tells you they don't look is a liar. There are great looking people everywhere you go. People with great rumps, people with big racks, whatever it may be.

But to cheat, is to lie. Is to go back on your vows, is to humilate your supposed life partner. Save her the hurt and get out of the marrige. No one cares about you, it's her that is going to feel the hurt.

I think this is your main issue: figuring out what love means to you. There are those who can love many people, and IF their partners are okay with it, then that's cool. But if your partner is not, and if you're too selfish to be okay with her banging other people, then I'd say your idea of love is a bit fucked up, man.

Does it mean you "gotta" bang someone else, that you don't have control over your own sexuality? It seems that way, either that or you just don't WANT to control it. If so, then you really shouldn't be settling down until you KNOW you're getting married because you WANT to.

Getting married in order to "tame" yourself is pretty selfish (in addition to getting married because it's expected by society). You didn't get married out of love for the other person, but because of a selfish desire to impose self-control on something that you essentially aren't able to do on your own.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I went through this whole debate with an ex boyfriend and it was very painful for both of us. In the end, he was honest about his inability to commit, and I could not blame him since he 'fessed up. However, even if I got over it, I still knew he was the wrong person for me. He really is one of those non-monogamous types, and as a result he is staying as far the fuck away from marriage as possible. I suggest you do the same until you know that you WANT one woman for the rest of your life, no exceptions.

Saying "I'm just not marriage material" or "I'm the kind of guy who has to try everything" is a cop-out, IMHO. Our personalities are not set in stone. You may lean one way or another, personality-wise, but in the end what defines us are the choices we make, and it sounds like you've made some questionable ones.

Bottom line: do you want to be married to your wife? Is being with her worth doing what it takes to make her happy?

If the answer is yes: do what it takes. Period. Choose it now, then choose it tomorrow morning, choose it when the 19-year-old hottie flirts with you, choose it every day. It might take you some counseling to see why you have a problem with comimtment and faithfulness.

If the answer is no, do yourselves both a favor and call it quits. And don't "commit" to another relationship until you're ready to actually commit to that person, FOR that person, and not for the hope that it'll "cure" your wanderlust.

And, you might be a person for whom monogamy doesn't work. There are lots of such people. But it sounds like monogamy per se is not the problem; faithfulness and communication are. Even if you're not having a monogamous relationship, you still need to manage whatever relationships you are having with honesty and openness, and it sounds like those are where your problems lie.

Here's my advice Tim, and I advise you take it to heart: The morality that everyone in this thread is trying to push on you is pure garbage. You don't need to listen to one single word that people are saying to you.
If you want to cheat on your wife, do it. It's your decision. Your life. Nobody can or should tell you what is 'right' or 'wrong' because surely by now we've all learned that those terms do not exist, except in our own minds.

The mantra of the world is "do what you feel like", closely followed by "Look out for number 1". Don't let anyone tell you different. So far every person on this thread has told you that what you're doing is wrong, with the exception maybe of Ratbastid. But, really, WHO ARE THEY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE WRONG? What gave them the right to be judgmental? You look after yourself, and do what you feel is best. If that means adultery, so be it.

So what do you think, fellow TFP'ers? Is that good advice? Am I wrong to give that advice??

I partially agree with you Daoust, but he did ask for feedback.

I agree he can do what he wants but people that have been in the same situation (or know someone who has) know the hurt that it can cause and therefore try to warn against it.

Although I understand that we have differing viewpoints, I don't really think that it is right for you to call nearly all of the previous replies "moralistic garbage"

Obviously he doesn't have to listen to anyone - but he asked for people's thoughts and opinions, and he got them.

I know I didn't say what was right or wrong-indeed, I said I don't think monogamy is natural, it's a choice. However, not being open about it to his wife is the wrong way of going about things, but at least he 'sort of' opened up.
The problem appears to be that he wants it both ways, and while in some cases, it works, in most it does not and he seems to be in a situation where it will not.
He didn't tell of the infidelity because 'that would end it'. He knows the answers.
Even those that have an 'open marriage' have to face certain jealousies and emotions at times. While I hold to the belief that monogamy is a choice, we are creatures of deep conscience and giving ourselves, even in fun, carries a risk of emotional upheaval that has to be dealt with. You can love one person fully and not be 'faithful'; unfortunately, we are taught that sex, love and marriage comes as a package of possession.
I did not see much in the way here of saying he's out and out wrong-what we have said is his handling is and his reasons for marriage are.

I would say you should keep cheating. Try to have your cake and eat it too. BUT (and there's a big but here) be prepared for the consequences of your actions.

I felt compelled to reply to this thread, being someone on the other side of it. Honesty is very important in any relationship and communication is key. I wish my husband of 11 1/2 years would communicate and be honest with me. I have no proof that he has had sex with anyone else, but he chats, flirts and probably cybers with other women. I know this for a fact (computer history does not lie). I have been trying not to blame myself for this, but it is difficult to do. If I knew why he was doing this, maybe it would be easier to deal with.

In my opinion, you should be honest with her now, so that 11 years and 2 children later, she is not wondering and doubting, and not trusting.

I have several 'friends' who fit the description you give of yourself.

I see the way they convincingly lie to their wives/girlfriends and think to myself, how can I trust this person?

The answer is, I can't and I treat them accordingly.

Depends on what you want? Stability in your life? I don't think that one's personal relationships are going to be tremendously stable, nor will one find much loyalty from others, if you just "do what you like" in the most extreme case, regardless of the feelings / reasonable expectations of others. If a person says they will do "x", and they don't do "x" - there's going to be very easily foreseeable problems down the road, more than likely. If that doesn't make sense to you, then I would have to ask if you honestly live by your own recommendation, and if so - how is it working out for you? I assume that you don't do this in a professional context, etc?

I just don't think it's fair towards your wife. You're young (I guess), the relationship is freash, so not much harm will be done (well, besides breaking her heart, but that's life). Get out now. Get a divorce.

Easy. Take a walk around the inside and outside of your house.

See your car? hers
See your furniture? hers
See your TV? hers
See your bank account statement? Half hers, the other half lawyers
See your house? yours, but you get to pay half of its value to her

Now is doing a semi-cute girl worth it?

To add to the list above, ^

See her eyes? Hers. You won't get to look into them like you used to.
See that hair? Hers. Won't be able to touch and smell it like you used to.
See her body? Hers. You won't get to see that naked anymore.. touch it like you used to..
Hear her laugh? Hers. You'll not be able to hear that anymore.

..the list goes on and on, from material possession to sentimental things you love about her. Its very easy to forget all of the good qualities a woman possesses over time. Making a list of her "assets" emotionally and otherwise is a very good way to see just how much you'd be losing by cheating. That said, if you can make that list and honestly say you can give them up; then I'd advise a divorce.

Really well put, JinnKai. If this list doesn't get you revved up about your wife, then something really is wrong there, and you need to get out of that marriage.

here is a solution for you!

say to your lady ''how do you like to swing?" she may talk to you in excite voice: "yes, this is appealing to me for sex!"

do you see the meaning? now you can sex and so can your wife sex! this is premium for love and your penis member!

I have to agree with Daoust here.

Yes there are tons of potential problems all over the place here. There is the marriage, self-respect, guilt and other things. However, I have always said to thine own self be true. I also believe that you should have the freedom to do what you want as long as you don't hurt other people.

We can only approach life in the way that our own nature lets us. There are so many different possibilities of ways to live that far be it for me to say to someone else that there way is wrong. It may just not work for me, but I have limited life experience as I still will the day I die.

Do what you will, but also realize that if she finds out, in most situations, the marriage is over.

Okay...

I'm going to stir up the pot here and get to the core of the matter. But first, I got some questions.

1) What was your rationale for posting this? Do you want a group of anonymous individuals to tell you it's okay to cheat on your wife?

-OR-

Are you looking for us to tell you that you are wrong and you are looking for ideas on how not to do this anymore?

The thing is...you wouldn't have told us if you were okay with what you are doing. I just want to know what answer are you looking for. Permission or redemption?

2) Do you know why you cheat? Is it a hyper sex drive that she couldn't possibly fufill? Are there certain acts that she won't perform? Is it just an ego thing? Do you need the constant reaffirmation of your attractiveness?

You see.... this is the meat of the issue. The *why* is all important. And sadly, that's something that's the hardest to figure out. It could be her- It could be you, It could just be chemistry. But it's gotta be something.

Go and ponder my friend...that is, of course if you are unhappy with your current setup. If you're happy...then none of this matters, and remember to wrap that rascal!

oh- I know it doesn't sound like it, but I'm not being trite purposefully, These are the issues as I see them.

Luck,
mr sticky

When you got married did you not take an oath in front of all those who are important to you?

If yes, did you break it in less than a year for vague and semi-thought out reasons?

If yes, then you are not to be trusted.

Yes, you have proven yourself untrustworthy.

For what its worth, have you mentioned these feelings to your wife? If you haven't, you should. I have no doubt whatsoever that she would prefer to hear you speak your feelings to her than inevitably (INEVITABLY) find out the gory details behind your back.

This relationship is in a crisis. Remain on path you are presently on, and there is likely just one possible outcome: the end of the relationship. If you're lucky, there's another possiblility: she finds out, and the 2 of you live together in misery. Communication. Talk to her about it, or go to a marriage counselor, or start preparing for the inevitable.

This is the Truth with a capital "T".

You aren't the guy that you led your wife to believe you are. You can't fake a successful marriage. Being honest with yourself and your wife will set you free.

Excellent point... and looking again at his followup...
"Ever growing group"... he wants us to tell him everyone does this. Nope, didn't happen.

Maybe try and think about why you have the need to look elsewhere..
Something might be missing between your wife and yourself..
unless you got into the marriage for reasons that you now realize maybe weren't what they were "supposed" to be..

And nothing is "supposed" to be anything. Who ever said that humans were made to be in monogamous relationships???? Shitt.....
It's good for some, not good for others....I don;t know...

We're so complicated...

sure... that's sound advice....

as is all the advice posted here in the thread so far...

BUT it's the accepting the consequences of such actions one must understand... being monogamous has it's own consequences as does cheating on the wife.

Tim2Shady,

I got married at about the same age you did. I don't think there's much different between you and me and any other guy. This past weekend, I had a hottie hit on me not once, but twice, and she made it clear that her friend did EVERYTHING with her.

It was fun to think about, but it's all squishy and warm on the inside. In the end, I prefer someone I can talk to day in and day out.

If you truly want your marriage to work, man up. Romance and do all those things with your wife that you want to do to the girls. If your sex life (as a couple) is a problem, then seek counseling, but if she's willing as often as you are, you shouldn't even have time to pursue other encounters. In short, forge a MATURE sexual relationship with your wife before you go hunting down the other 31 flavors. She may want to hunt with you. She may not. But by circumventing the growth of your partnership, you're denying her this chance.

As far as what Daoust has posted, I will say that Tim2Shady is wrong and I have no problem with anybody slamming me for that. You're not wrong because you want to have sex a whole bunch, with different people, you are wrong because you submitted to a social contract without making clear and honest your desires. You fell to the pressure of society to get married, but not the pressure to stick to the agreed bounds of that marriage. Funny, that. If you had married, with her knowing you wanted an open marriage and now she was balking, then I would say she was wrong.

If you're convinced that being sexually untethered is more important than being married, I'd suggest you come clean ASAP and resolve this issue with the person you love. Your 30's is a good time to be single, nobody really keeps up the bullshit pretentions of the 20's. Otherwise, start the repair work and figure out that your desires are pretty common. Deal with it.

Just because you are on a diet, does not mean you cannot read the menu!

I have had people hit on me, and had opportunities presented to me, but it is about your morals and ethical belief. And I personally believe in monogamy. You entered into a commitment, and I feel cannot stray, it is against my religious belief, and values I hold of.

Want to look, talk about, dream of, etc... Go for it, but anything more, I think is wrong (unless your significant other agrees to it of course).

Well, I've only been with streak for 9 months but I gotta say, I NEVER think about hooking up with anyone else. Even the far-fetched celebrity fantasy isn't appealling. The truth is, the thought of being with anyone else in any context feels wrong.

I think that you owe it to your partner to be truthful, and decide whether or not you want to work on being faithful or whether your desire to be with other people is stronger. It'll hurt her more in the end if you decieve her...and she WILL find out.

Don't be that guy.

i am going to say some things that i hope are obvious:

1. be honest with yourself. only you know what your intentions in this marriage are.
2. be honest with your wife. if you're cheating, she should know.
3. be honest about the relationship. see if you can work out an open relationship.
4. if you can't sort out the relationship, where you and her stand, and if you're on the same page, be honest with what needs to happen next.

Wow! incredible thoughts... very well said!

Sweetpea

seaver is right...

doing a semi-cute girl aint worth it unless u have a pre-nump

I was in the same situation as you in my last relationship. The mere thought of only having sex with one man for the rest of my life made me panic. So I cheated on him. Eventually I got out of the relationship and am now with Loverboy with whom I have an open relationship with. I get both love and my lust satisfied. It works perfectly for the both of us and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.

I don't think it's fair to your wife that you cheat on her but I don't think it's fair that you should restrain your lust either. And since it doesn't sound like you're going to change then there's only two options really: continue or get out of the relationship and try finding a woman who's into open relationships.

I didn't pick up why you're unhappy in your marriage. Why?

Is it ONLY because you want to fuck around?

:hmm: Daoust is wrong and you are wrong. Not because of your desires, but because you entered into a legally binding contract and you are violating that contract. Entering into the contract gives the other participant the right to assume that you are upholding your end of the agreement. This has been proven in court millions of times before and is witnessed by the millions of divorces that exist on the books. When your wife finds out about your infidelity, she will divorce you. She will be gone from your life in 3 months (in my state), and you will wonder what was so important that made this seem like such a good idea.

Frankly, I don't care if your screw every unmarried girl in your county. However, your doing it while bound to a legal contract shows a tremendous lack of character. There is no "I guess I am not cut out for...blah, blah, blah" statement that can excuse your behavior. If you aren't cut out for marriage, fine. Leave your wife BEFORE you violate your agreement to her. I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her.

this surely is a tricky situation!

the problem is your member, this is my opinions. because even if your brain and your heart know that cheat style is bad for all, your member has a stiff power that want to be inside a new vagina. it cannot help what it need! it is program like this by GOD!

if your member is stiff, it keep the brain from working so good. so this is a sticky problem to be sure. but wear the condom on your member if you put it inside a strange vagina.

Try and get her to think outside the box, have you ever watched another guy bang the piss out of your spouse? It is a pretty thrilling experience. Start by watching pr0n before doing the deed, maybe watch a video with 2guys on 1 girl, and she might get the hint, after that, see if she wants to try it, then it is open range after that :)

Hi Tim

I know somewhat of how you're feeling. While I have not had sexual entercourse with another woman, i have come very close and have commited adultery by breaking her trust with getting too close to another woman emotionally. I got married when i was 20, I am about to turn 31. So from your comment about getting married because it was the right thign to do and realizing now that you may not WANT to be married, I completely underdstand.

Don't get Tim and I wrong everyone, we love our wives, we have devoted ourselves to our wives, but there's always these stunning women in the world that we can't keep our eyes off of and can't stop the thoughts from going through our head about them. Mind you, the post on this forum about your actions defining the type of person you are is completely correct. I know I crossed the line and I regret it, I am going to try 110% not to ever let that happen again, because: 1) It hurt my wife beyond words, 2) It embarrasses me that i gave into it, that i wasnt strong enough, 3) It hurts getting close to someone out of passion and almost throwing away your life.

My advice for you Tim, since you are still so new in your marriage is to really look inside yourself to figure out what you want. And to do so, i think you need profession help, someone neutral to talk to (Aside from us goofs on the forums) and really find out what you need for you. If you think you;'d be happer alone, you may find in a couple years that you have had a dozen empty realationships and that you really would rather have your wife back, and it'll be too late.

For me, I know what i want, i want my wife, I want my family. I had to look hard into myself to figure that out, and i had to have the help of a higher power to lead me in the right direction. And above all, i needed a loving wife to support me no matter what my decison was and to try her hardest to forgive what i have done.

I hope my thoughts help, feel free to send me a private message and we can talk more.

~~Kyll

It's self control, bro! I mean, how many drop-dead hot 16 year-old girls are there out there? Any guy who says they'd NEVER look at a 16 or 17 year old is full of shit. That doesn't mean you go picking up girls at the homecoming game. Temptation is a part of life. Sexual temptations can be tough to resist. But, sometimes you just have to. If nothing else, maybe this'll be good for you. Keep your dick in your pants (except for your wife) for the next year. If you can do it, and you really do LOVE her... tell her the truth, try to be forgiven and move forward. If not, tell her the truth and move on to something more single-lifed.

Interesting... it IS good advice. Generally speaking, I do concern myself with... well... myself. However, I try to do so NOT at the expense of those around me that I care about. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a dick when it comes to strangers. If it's me or some Joe Blow down the road... fuck 'em! It's gonna be me! If it's my happiness or my wifes? My kids? My family? My friends? Well, it's probably not going to be my happiness. That my conscience preventing me from screwing over someone who's feelings I care about (read, not most people's).

I'm not saying that what he's doing is WRONG. I'm just here to peddle my advice, for whatever it's worth to the individual reader. Hell, I'm not perfect. I certainly have NO notion that my advice is right because I am a perfect being. I'm a dick. I hate most people. I probably think that my shit is WAY more important than yours. *shrug* But, he came here and asked for advice... take it or leave it! :thumbsup:

You need to really sit down and think hard about not just the kind of life that YOU want but also about the kind of life you'd wish for your wife and any future kids to have.

You loved this woman enough to marry her,love her enough now to either man up and get some counseling to help you clarify your thoughts and recommit to your marriage or divorce her and move on. Whatever you do, don't stick around for 10 yrs and 2 kids halfheartedly committed but pursuing everything in a skirt.

We all have the right to pursue happiness, including your wife, make sure she gets the same options you want for yourself.

Either stop, and stay with her or keep screwing around but get a damn divorce, it's just gonna cost more later when she finally finds out (she will, unless you are like a James Bond).

And DO NOT tell her either way. If you stay with her, you will wear that collar as long as she is with you.

I have no problem with open relationships if both people know what the score is. However, you aren't in one. If you choose not to live up to the agreement you made with your wife, then you should tell her that and divorce. It's that simple. Don't tell her because it will assauge your guilt, tell her so she doesn't spend years trying to figure out how she failed. As your finances get raped, think of it as a life lesson. I have no sympathy for cheaters, and someone able to do something so cold to another person and refuse to own up to it can't be trusted.

I was interested to read people's response to your "issue". The responses tended to be in three categories:

- You have a morality issue (allowing the respondents the self-indulgence of taking the moral high ground)
- Your just "wired" that way - with the following options: Open marriage, continue the behavior, etc...
- Seek therapy - absolutely the best of the three.

This is all my opinion (not fact- just my reality):

As "western" males we are inundated with sexual intrigue throughout our lives- through media- ads, entertainment and pornography as well as our social structure that encourages (and celebrates) sexual promiscuity. The simple fact that pornography is still a thriving business despite what happens to the economy is an indicator of how prevalent it is in our daily lives. I am not "down" on pornography- I'm simply stating a fact.

There are several acknowledged addictions or "diseases" in our society - alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc... One of the least recognized and acknowledged "disease" is sexual addiction. I believe there is two main reasons for this- sex is recognized as normal and desirable between two adults and there is a lot of deep seated shame in acknowledging that a sexual issue exists. There are two questions that I would encourage anyone that may think they have a problem ask themselves: 1) Do you now, or have you ever, used sex (masturbation, promiscuity) as a coping mechanism- especially early in development. 2) Do you have an overwhelming obsession in your current daily life with sex, pornography, etc... (From your original text, I believe you described your obsession with pursuing other sexual partners pretty well).

If you (or anyone) feel that they have an isolating obsession with sex, it would not matter how much you Love your spouse. Sex addicts actually have a highly developed mechanism to break their lives into separate compartments. Secrets are everything- it is almost as if the person is leading two separate lives. However, what usually happens is- as the sexual addiction takes up more and more of the person's time- the "real" relationship start to suffer.

The best a person in this predicament can hope for is to first be "self-aware", secondly (if they have the means) seek help professionally. Standard HMO's and some psychologists do not recognize the affliction. If you do not have the means to seek professional help- there are several 12-step groups that can greatly assist recovery.

Remember, this is NOT an issue of how much you Love your wife- or how "moral" you may be. This may simply be a lifelong pattern and part of your survival skills.

That is my .02- take it or leave it as it applies, and above all GOOD LUCK.

The reason it may seem like it's "one of the least recognized" is because it is NOT recognized or accepted in the world of psychology and sexology. The notion of "sex addiction" is mostly thought of as an outdated Freudian notion (nymphomania and satyriasis). The DSM-IV removed both terms and replaced it with a much more specific term, hypersexuality, which is a notion very different from "addiction to sex." Beyond neurological causes of hypersexuality, any therapist who claims they can help treat your "sex addiction" will most assuredly not be treating you using any known, well-studied and supported, or generally accepted methods. (And in my opinion are most probably going to be crackpots.)

Here's the wiki description of hypersexuality:

i'm also 32 and married and think of other women constantly, but then i resort to masturbation and it helps for a while

Pretty much nails it.

Lemme preface my post by saying that it is your life and you can do anything you want with it... but you asked for opinions... so you are gonna get them. Mine won't be nice. I have read most of them... most of them seem to pull punches. Most of them seem to attempt some civility... mine won't. Nothing get's me going more than cheaters and liers. And that is what you are. A lier. Your wrong because you are lying. Every second that you don't tell her what you are doing is a lie. Some people above think that it's okay to lie and cheat and destory the life of someone important to you, but I do not. You see... I've been on the recieving end of it. It took 2 years to trust again. Pretty shitty if you ask me.

From your post you seem to express some regret. Is this the case? Do you regret doing the things you have done? If that is the case, then stop doing it. Quite simple, really. Tell her about it, and ask her forgivness. You probably won't get it, but you will at least feel better about it.

I understand the desire to "look to other fields" when you are married. Manogomy is a difficult thing, but that is the promise you made. Either live up to your vows or get the fuck out. We all have a brain with a rational capacity to overpower our base instincts. That is one of the things that makes us human. To DECIDED upon a course of action instead of ACT instinctively. To say that you can't control yourself or that you want to stop but can, is total bullshit. You either do or your don't.

Be a man, live up to the promise you made her and stop cheating. That's all I got to say. Cut and dry.

maybe you arent ready to be married yet?

***The *why* is all important. And sadly, that's something that's the hardest to figure out.***

From my own experience I say that people who cheat will continue to no matter the consequences or pain. We have issues that run so deep, no amount of self-awareness can change it. You can learn the reasons 'why' but to give up the salve that soothes the wound is nearly impossible.

Interesting that you mention issues Guinevere. I sometimes find myself entertaining the thought of cheating, and I have to admit I've thought about it too much for my own good, and I've often wondered what is wrong with me, what is wrong in my head that I think/feel this way. I have even played out scenarios in my head where the wife and I go to a marriage counsellor and I spill my guts on why I think the marriage is having problems and I come up with all kinds of reasons like stress over financial situations, a sex life that was messed up from the very beginning etc.

The truth is I don't know why I think about cheating so much. I am not messed up. I don't have a long history of psychological issues and stuff. I come from a very strong two parent family. I have never been abused. I have never suffered any psychological trauma.

The best reason why I can think I consider cheating is the 'grass is always greener' philosophy. But I know it isn't.

So Guinevere, if you don't mind me asking, what are your reasons for staying in your marriage? And what are your thoughts on love - love in your marriage (since you've already stated you don't want to invest yourself too much in your other relationships, I'm guessing you're not exactly looking for "love" there, yes)?

Daoust - do you think it could be attractive to you because it is Forbidden? If, in a fantasy world, it wasn't forbidden to you, is it still attractive?

I always thought that if one's needs were being met in one's current relationship, the urge to cheat simply wouldn't come up. Or perhaps, in reverse, the thought of cheating comes up if one is unhappy, unsatisfied?

But now I think perhaps that's too one-dimensional. Probably there are as many different reasons "why" as there are individuals, and I don't know if it's possible to say, "It always boils down to this one thing...XXX", despite humans attempts to define, catalog, etc.

I doubt it has much to do with love or sex.

I new to this and could really use some tips on how to move around, track responses, etc. Can someone point me to an area that can help this new rookie user?

Hey, I don't need to judge you or anything but a few things you may want to know about.

In your current situation I would really be carefull about having kids.
The reason why I say this is becasue It will throw a big wall between you and the decisions your need to make for yourself and your wife.
You may be thinking to yourself I'm not having kids, well when you are in a marriage and things are not working out kids sometimes wind up happening, I'm not saying it always happens and such and of course I'm not saying not to ever have kids. but it is really hard to walk away from a relationship when you have kids and if you keep the relationship becasue of the kids well that can also be bad news.

One other thing you should think of if you are going to cheat, is that many times when a woman or a man is in a marriage they think to themselves I am with someone I love and I am now safe to love and have sex with my partner the way It is meant to be, and condoms go out the window. You are with the one you trust. Well if your wife trusts you and is having sex with you and you are having sex with others she is not given the option to protect herslf from third party sex becasue well she trusts you that she is the only one who you are having sex with.

You need to be carefull bud.
My parents friend (an awesome woman) now has HIV becasue her ex husband contracted the disease from a third party.

This is where all those vows things and all come in.

Marriage is kind of a contract. and all that honor and cherish stuff really means that well you are opening yourself up to the other person to trust each other and know that you will keep each other safe.
Personally to me love is when you can tell the other person anything where they can see the true garbage inside of you and not leave. It is something that really needs to grow in a couple. If you have that true and love you can be open with your wife of the torment that you are going through everyday and that is making you stray.

Don't let it tear you up. That is one of the beautiful things about your wife. She is with you becasue well she can help you heal and you can help her. I mean you are life partners. Now I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong or not.

It just sounds to me that since you wrote this post in some odd way you are screaming out for help.
I mean shit you said you don't want to hurt her. And at the same time you don't want to hurt yourself.

You have a woman here who is willing to grow with you, you may look at this as an incredible opportunity to evolve into something you may have never thought could happen. Or you may be with the worng person. if that is the case. Love her anyways and work with her tog o your own ways. but truly love her no matter what. Hate can sometimes creep in when we start to resent our situation. Don't let that happen don't let your relationship start to decay.

Anyhow these are a few tips. don't know if they apply to you or not or if they would even help.
just know that when you post on the TFP people are listening and actually care.
Best of luck to you.

It's not just kind of a contract, it is a contract. That's why you sign a marriage license when you get married. It is a legally binding document between you, your spouse, the person who "swore you in," so to speak, as well as witnesses to the event (like the best man and bridesmaid).

My thoughts verbatim. I doubt i'll ever cheat, because I respect myself and my girlfriend too much. Plus I'm a terrible liar and the guilt would kill me. But that doesn't stop the thoughts, and I've thought about it way too much.

Cheating is not about you or your rights, wants, etc.
Cheating is about the OTHER person, your wife, husband, or life-partner.

Cheating is not about values ( I think marriage is sacred/not sacred )
Cheating is about you not caring about a person that has placed trust in you.

Don't confuse "should I end this marriage" with "should I cheat." They are NOT the same.

This is not a flame as it is not directed at you but a general observation of all cheaters.

If you cheat, you are a lowlife coward with no respect for anyone else but yourself. If you want to sleep with someone that is not your spouse, tell them. If they are okay with it, then they will tell you, if they are not, then the two of you divorce.

tenchi

Do you really believe everything is so black and white--ie, 'tell or don't tell...'

It simply is not.

get your wife intrested in SWINGING BABY YAH! ... but seriously try it. Maybe she might be intrested. otherwise keep your pecker in your pants. sorry no easy way to put that.

I'm not exactly married... but I feel the same way. I find it hard to understand how people can remain eternally faithful especially when I put myself in that sort of scenario. Worse yet, the only thing that consoles me is that the general consensus is that true love will give you those opinions. Some metaphysical bond with a person exists will stop me from ever desiring to commit infidelity. I've just not experienced it.

I don't agree with this. The obvious response to my disagreement is I've yet to experience it. Regardless, I consider "love" an emotion that comes and goes. I understand the commit of marriage is not just love, though. It sucks not being able to satisfy your sexual and emotional urges, immediate as they may be. I think this is common to anyone, just how much they can control themselves is what differs.