tim2shady

In a relationship but looking also apply.

I'm 32, male, got married for 1st time last November. Been in short-term relationships all my life, short-term = 2yrs or less.

I'm just wondering if other people who are in relationships find themselves thinking about hooking up with other people. I can't stop. All day, half the night I'm thinking about pursuing someone else. Not sure if its the chase/challenge, grass is greener on the other side, maybe i'm not cut out for a monogomous relationship, or what? I haven't been faithful in my last 3 relationships and not in this marriage either. I love my wife, don't want to hurt her, but unless something changes she doesn't need me messing up her life any worse or causing her pain thru either not treating her w/ respect, her finding out about my infedelity, or otherwise.

Do others have these feelings, but are able to contain them?

Are monogomous relationships "dieing"...b/c I don't see them working for me and alot of others I know?

Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, however I did go into it with the best intentions and hopes for things to work out. I used to think that getting married would "tame" me down and make me happy at the same time, ya know, getting the white picket fence and all.

Signed,

Not proud, looking for feedback

P.S. Bash away (unless funny), but I need serious thoughts.

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Mr Honest

Hi
I've never cheated on a girlfriend yet and will marry soon. I intend to be loyal to my wife for the rest of our lives. Yet there are billions of other ladies out there aren't there? How can I do this?
Cut down on porn and lusting over other women. I'm always going to know this lady I love has given me her heart forever to love and protect. I'm never going to break it. I'm better than that. She is trusting me for life and I won't repay that trust with infidelity. I've got self control. Sure if I need to I can imagine other women. I've got a history and can think of previous g/friends. I can imagine whoever I want when we are making love but that's not my plan.
Why would I want to have sex with someone else when I could catch a disease, give it to my wife, break her heart, break apart our marriage, leave our children in another broken home? I take my marriage vows very seriously. I'm a one woman man and proud to be. All the things we do for one another when married and in love, no one else can replace this with some fun in bed. If anyone offers I'll politely explain I'm married. End of discussion.

If you see the most beautiful girl who is 15 and gives you the come on I'll assume you won't go after her. So you can stop yourself, stop seeing other women as available because you are not.

I'm not a prude and if anyone wants an open marriage fair play to them.
My future wife does not and nor do I. Good luck!

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Redlemon

Dude... you are 10 months into a marriage and you have already cheated? How does this happen? Where's the little voice on your shoulder saying "Wait, I'm married, I shouldn't do this"? Sure, I think about other women a lot, but I don't act on it. If you can't help but stray, either get out of the marriage, or stay out of situations where the opportunities present themselves.

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ngdawg

"Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place, however I did go into it with the best intentions and hopes for things to work out. I used to think that getting married would "tame" me down and make me happy at the same time, ya know, getting the white picket fence and all."

If this is why you got married, you got married for the wrong reasons. I don't think monogamy is 'natural', but it is a choice one has to make on their own. If your choice to marry was to 'tame you down' and get the 'white picket fence', you will never be totally happy in your situation. One of our very wise members has this on their wedding program and I think it holds very true:
"you don't marry the person you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without'.
I do know people who 'fool around' with at least partial knowledge of their SO's because those SO's would rather share than lose entirely. If you are not married to such a person, I think it's time to re-evaluate why you're married and if the inherent risks of stepping out are worth any loss. Do it now before kids, mortgage, the everyday ruts of life overcome you.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

NoSoup

My honest opinion is that these are contradicting statements. It is as simple as this - If you love your wife, keep it in your pants.

If you aren't happy with your current relationship, that's fine - but why hurt the woman you "love?" Talk to her and tell her the truth. Own up to it like a man and divorce her if you are going to continue cheating on her.

This is all, however, based on the fact that she would react like many of the women that I know and not be happy with you cheating on her, nor be alright with having an "open marriage" Does she feel the same way? If so, maybe you could work something out with her - but lying to the woman you love - especiacially this early into the marriage - doesn't bode well for a bright and cheery future...

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Bill O'Rights

No bashing, but here's your mistake. I won't go into it further, because you already know that.
Look...we're all tempted. Hell, I'm tempted daily. It's what we do with that temptation that is character defining.

__________________
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

josie

Hey Tim - Interesting question. As I'm sure you know, there are all sorts of people in the world. Some go to Baskin Robbins and want to try every flavor, and some go and get chocolate every single time and will until the day they die- in other words for some variety is the spice of life and for others it has to be the old tried and true. It's good to know which kind of person you are before you make major life decisions so you can accurately gauge whether or not you'll be able to fulfill the requirements of whatever role you take on, and so you can try to avoid situations that might be a temptation to you in an area in which you know you might have a weakness.
I find monogamy hard - I always have - but I've kept my vows, mostly because I like my life the way it is and I know fooling around would pretty much wreck everything and I don't want to do that because I really do love my family and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.
But yeah, I'm one of those people who like variety - so I know what you're talking about. Like Mr. Honest, I've just weighed the pros and cons and have decided I'm not able to risk everything I have for sex - and honestly- I'm not the type who could just engage in purely recreational sex anyway - it would get emotional and very, very messy. So I just always keep that in mind, and have filled my need for excitement in other ways. I could never pull it off anyway - I'm not a good liar and I feel really, really bad when I hurt someone or do something I know is wrong. It sounds like you do too...
It's good you're thinking of your wife's feelings - and if I were your wife, I'd appreciate you being honest with me at this point. You might just lay it out to her as you have here, and honestly tell her what your intentions were when you married her, and what you have found the reality to be. If I were her, I'd appreciate having the facts so that I could make an informed decision about what I was going to do with the rest of my life- and if she's anything like most women, she could probably forgive you the infidelity - but would have a harder time forgiving an ongoing deception that might make her feel like her whole life with you was a lie.

But whatever direction you decide to take, you should definitely do it before any children are involved. I hope it all works out- good luck to you.

PS- Does anyone know if people are less monogamous these days? That would be an interesting piece of information to have - as well as to ascertain what cultural factors either support or inhibit monogamy now as compared to in the past.

NoSoup

How very eloquently put - nice job Bill

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Just in case you were wondering...

Sweetpea

~~~ Get Divorced ~~~

Some people aren't meant to be married, there's nothing wrong with that, just let your wife go then and be a bacholar, you'll probably be happier that way.

Sweetpea

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ratbastid

Seriously. Man. I couldn't say it better.

Look, let me expand the discussion a little here. Monogamy is NOT the only viable lifestyle choice, but honesty is the only workable option in any sort of relationship. In my opinion, cheating isn't the physical act, it's the lie or withheld communication. Said another way, if you can't tell her about it, it's cheating. Said yet another way, the problem isn't the sex, it's the lying.

On certain rare occasions, I have sex with people who aren't my wife. On certain occasions, she does too. We both know all about it, and it's fine. It gives us an opportunity to bring our relationship to a new level. We're clear we're together by ongoing, moment-by-moment choice, and nothing else. There's no need or ownership in our relationship. (I mean, except when there IS. We're still human beings and we'll still have all those very normal human emotions. But we're clear we're bigger than them, and we're committed to being something larger than an emotional response with each other.)

My point is, marriage doesn't have to limit you. It can be the platform from which you live, not the ball and chain keeping you down.

pig

I'm not going to repeat a lot of what's already been said, nor waste time telling you that your actions might not be for the best. You're looking at a potential train wreck, and you know it. I find the above statement to be intereting; I think you'd be best to figure out why you have this need to "commit" to relationships you can't actually commit to. It sounds to me like you need to determine what it is that you want out of a relationship, then either augment your current relationship to match your expectation, or bump out of it and go find what you want. Either way, you're not being honest, starting with being honest with yourself. What do you think will happen if you tell your wife about this?

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tim2shady

In some ways i feel i got married b/c that is what I'm supposed to do, so says society. I also said, i got married b/c i thought it would "tame" me down and make me happy w/ the white picket fence and all. Both are true statements, i feel.

And b/c i felt this way I don't think getting married was a mistake.

If i were all happy right now, i would say i married her b/c i love her. But i'm expressing why i'm not happy.

So, if i'm the guy who has to try all 31 flavors at the ice cream shop, why did i get married. I didn't know i was that guy, I'm finding that out now. Perhaps looking at my history it would appear obvious, all i can say to that is hindsight is 20/20. If i had a crystal ball I wouldn't be on this site.

I have spoken to my wife and told her that i don't think I'm "marriage material". I didn't get into infidelity, as that would end it, but I did express my feelings that i thought getting married would make me happy and "tame" me down. Her response was "do you want me to leave". Yes and NO, i want my cake and eat it too. I can't continue with that, and I won't.

The bigger question for me is monogomy, when can it work for me?

Am I part of an ever growing group who find they can't be with only one person sexually? That i've done but remember all my relationships have been less than 2 yrs.

Or am I part of a group who can't be in long-term relationships that require monogomy?
Or I am the guy who can't settle down yet?
I love her, but i gotta bang someone else for a while.

If i was married to someone who was open to the idea of an "open" marriage, would i be hear now? Not sure. That one would seem to solve my problem here tho. BUT, she couldn't sleep with other men. Yes, its a pig like statement, but I can mess around, she can't.

So, one-sided, sexually yes I am. Other ways I'm not, she spends the money, drives the nicer vehicle, and frequently gets her way (I'm not saying thats bad, I just don't care what color the bathroom wall is).

I think I'm just a guy who likes to try all the flavors, but wants the same one in the freezer at home. Not gonna work, not with this woman.

So, can I change? Dunno.

Now, I've rambled a bit, but blow me the fuck up, i read all statements.

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tecoyah

There is nothing inherently wrong with an open marriage, in my opinion. But there is something wrong (again in my opinion) with making an open marriage at the expense of the person you profess to love. Time to grow a couple balls and explain the truth to her, take your lumps, and likely move on. From what you have expressed here, it seems relatively obvious that you are not ready to commit to a woman, and instead still need to play with the girls a bit.
Good Luck....and wear a cup.

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Halx

Tim, you're very well spoken and I find dilemmas like this very very interesting. It's true that sometimes you need to fuck up big time in order to clearly see the error in your ways. I think we've established that monogamous marriage is not for you right now. The only thing remaining to be answered is.. what IS for you?

Do you even want a commitment? Now, there ARE people who will be with you and let you be with others (and require the same for themselves) just as long as you come back to them at the end of the day. Would you want that? Or would you rather just play it solo from here on out?

You gotta answer these questions for yourself, then start on your quest to reach your goal.

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5757

I agree. It sounds like you're not supposed to be married yet. You should get a divorce before you are married too long. It will hurt her to know that you won't be together anymore, but it would hurt her even more to know that you stayed married to her and cheated the whole time. I bet if you were honest with her, she wouldnt want to be married to you anyway.
If you got a divorce and then realized later on in life that you are truly ready to settle down, maybe you guys could work it out.
Its not fair for her to think that you BOTH are being honest with eachother. You * are * not!

I read a book on this once. The advice that the marriage counselor gave was: From this point on, dont cheat anymore. Dont get a divorce either. Try to be faithful and love your wife. Be honest with her. Think about her reaction if you were to tell her the truth. If that doesnt keep you from cheating, then you do need to be honest with her. So, basically, if you can't stay faithful, let her know.

All of us are tempted from time to time. I agree with the person that said cut back on porn. You will see other females in public, thats a given. But, dont go out of your way to look and fantasize about other chicks. It will make it worse.

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GoldenOuroboros

There's alot in there I agree with, I went through the same stage with my girlfriend, was doing things on webcam she didn't appreciate. I do love her, I told her the truth, she decided it was time we moved on. We seperated for abit and are now back together. I had time to think about what I wanted and what I didn't want. Perhaps this is what you need.

I agree on telling your wife the truth, this is the woman you said your vows with, I'm sure being faithful to each other would have popped up in there somewhere. As everyone else has said it seems you got married for the wrong reasons. If you get married to someone you get married because your love surpasses everthing else, including temptation. You have cheated, you should tell her. Explain indepth why you have done this, if she cannot handle being with you then so be it.

Why are you cheating? Is it that you are getting bored with the 'flavour' as you have put the synonym. But how are you having the flavour? In a plain ice cream cone? There's many many different ways to dress ice cream, and even more ways that sex can come about, perhaps you need to start exploring more.

I still agree whole heatedly that you need to tell your wife, if the guilt (if you're feeling any) doesn't eventually get to you, then she might find out another way. There are many ways to do this, but I personally would just say that you would like her to sit down so that you can talk, perhaps tell her this is going to hurt alot, ask her to prepare herself for what you are about to say then start from the beginning. Just don't make excuses and answer any questions that she's got if she has any.

Whatever happens I hope it all works out for you

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genuinegirly

Talk to your wife about your feelings.
Figure it out from there.
True and lasting love is something that develops over time and struggle. If you want this marriage to work, let her know and see how (if) you can work things out. See a professional marriage counselor. If monogamy is a goal for you, make it a priority. If it isn't, make sure your wife knows and won't be emotionally distraught. For all you know, she might be interested in living a similar lifestyle.

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Kurant

To look is to be human. Anyone who tells you they don't look is a liar. There are great looking people everywhere you go. People with great rumps, people with big racks, whatever it may be.

But to cheat, is to lie. Is to go back on your vows, is to humilate your supposed life partner. Save her the hurt and get out of the marrige. No one cares about you, it's her that is going to feel the hurt.

abaya

I think this is your main issue: figuring out what love means to you. There are those who can love many people, and IF their partners are okay with it, then that's cool. But if your partner is not, and if you're too selfish to be okay with her banging other people, then I'd say your idea of love is a bit fucked up, man.

Does it mean you "gotta" bang someone else, that you don't have control over your own sexuality? It seems that way, either that or you just don't WANT to control it. If so, then you really shouldn't be settling down until you KNOW you're getting married because you WANT to.

Getting married in order to "tame" yourself is pretty selfish (in addition to getting married because it's expected by society). You didn't get married out of love for the other person, but because of a selfish desire to impose self-control on something that you essentially aren't able to do on your own.

Sorry if this is harsh, but I went through this whole debate with an ex boyfriend and it was very painful for both of us. In the end, he was honest about his inability to commit, and I could not blame him since he 'fessed up. However, even if I got over it, I still knew he was the wrong person for me. He really is one of those non-monogamous types, and as a result he is staying as far the fuck away from marriage as possible. I suggest you do the same until you know that you WANT one woman for the rest of your life, no exceptions.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

lurkette

Saying "I'm just not marriage material" or "I'm the kind of guy who has to try everything" is a cop-out, IMHO. Our personalities are not set in stone. You may lean one way or another, personality-wise, but in the end what defines us are the choices we make, and it sounds like you've made some questionable ones.

Bottom line: do you want to be married to your wife? Is being with her worth doing what it takes to make her happy?

If the answer is yes: do what it takes. Period. Choose it now, then choose it tomorrow morning, choose it when the 19-year-old hottie flirts with you, choose it every day. It might take you some counseling to see why you have a problem with comimtment and faithfulness.

If the answer is no, do yourselves both a favor and call it quits. And don't "commit" to another relationship until you're ready to actually commit to that person, FOR that person, and not for the hope that it'll "cure" your wanderlust.

And, you might be a person for whom monogamy doesn't work. There are lots of such people. But it sounds like monogamy per se is not the problem; faithfulness and communication are. Even if you're not having a monogamous relationship, you still need to manage whatever relationships you are having with honesty and openness, and it sounds like those are where your problems lie.

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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Daoust

Here's my advice Tim, and I advise you take it to heart: The morality that everyone in this thread is trying to push on you is pure garbage. You don't need to listen to one single word that people are saying to you.
If you want to cheat on your wife, do it. It's your decision. Your life. Nobody can or should tell you what is 'right' or 'wrong' because surely by now we've all learned that those terms do not exist, except in our own minds.

The mantra of the world is "do what you feel like", closely followed by "Look out for number 1". Don't let anyone tell you different. So far every person on this thread has told you that what you're doing is wrong, with the exception maybe of Ratbastid. But, really, WHO ARE THEY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE WRONG? What gave them the right to be judgmental? You look after yourself, and do what you feel is best. If that means adultery, so be it.

So what do you think, fellow TFP'ers? Is that good advice? Am I wrong to give that advice??

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Catdaddy33

I partially agree with you Daoust, but he did ask for feedback.

I agree he can do what he wants but people that have been in the same situation (or know someone who has) know the hurt that it can cause and therefore try to warn against it.

NoSoup

Although I understand that we have differing viewpoints, I don't really think that it is right for you to call nearly all of the previous replies "moralistic garbage"

Obviously he doesn't have to listen to anyone - but he asked for people's thoughts and opinions, and he got them.

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ngdawg

I know I didn't say what was right or wrong-indeed, I said I don't think monogamy is natural, it's a choice. However, not being open about it to his wife is the wrong way of going about things, but at least he 'sort of' opened up.
The problem appears to be that he wants it both ways, and while in some cases, it works, in most it does not and he seems to be in a situation where it will not.
He didn't tell of the infidelity because 'that would end it'. He knows the answers.
Even those that have an 'open marriage' have to face certain jealousies and emotions at times. While I hold to the belief that monogamy is a choice, we are creatures of deep conscience and giving ourselves, even in fun, carries a risk of emotional upheaval that has to be dealt with. You can love one person fully and not be 'faithful'; unfortunately, we are taught that sex, love and marriage comes as a package of possession.
I did not see much in the way here of saying he's out and out wrong-what we have said is his handling is and his reasons for marriage are.

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Charlatan

I would say you should keep cheating. Try to have your cake and eat it too. BUT (and there's a big but here) be prepared for the consequences of your actions.

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Meditrina

I felt compelled to reply to this thread, being someone on the other side of it. Honesty is very important in any relationship and communication is key. I wish my husband of 11 1/2 years would communicate and be honest with me. I have no proof that he has had sex with anyone else, but he chats, flirts and probably cybers with other women. I know this for a fact (computer history does not lie). I have been trying not to blame myself for this, but it is difficult to do. If I knew why he was doing this, maybe it would be easier to deal with.

In my opinion, you should be honest with her now, so that 11 years and 2 children later, she is not wondering and doubting, and not trusting.

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jwoody

I have several 'friends' who fit the description you give of yourself.

I see the way they convincingly lie to their wives/girlfriends and think to myself, how can I trust this person?

The answer is, I can't and I treat them accordingly.

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pig

Depends on what you want? Stability in your life? I don't think that one's personal relationships are going to be tremendously stable, nor will one find much loyalty from others, if you just "do what you like" in the most extreme case, regardless of the feelings / reasonable expectations of others. If a person says they will do "x", and they don't do "x" - there's going to be very easily foreseeable problems down the road, more than likely. If that doesn't make sense to you, then I would have to ask if you honestly live by your own recommendation, and if so - how is it working out for you? I assume that you don't do this in a professional context, etc?

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Schwan

I just don't think it's fair towards your wife. You're young (I guess), the relationship is freash, so not much harm will be done (well, besides breaking her heart, but that's life). Get out now. Get a divorce.

Seaver

Easy. Take a walk around the inside and outside of your house.

See your car? hers
See your furniture? hers
See your TV? hers
See your bank account statement? Half hers, the other half lawyers
See your house? yours, but you get to pay half of its value to her

Now is doing a semi-cute girl worth it?

Jinn

To add to the list above, ^

See her eyes? Hers. You won't get to look into them like you used to.
See that hair? Hers. Won't be able to touch and smell it like you used to.
See her body? Hers. You won't get to see that naked anymore.. touch it like you used to..
Hear her laugh? Hers. You'll not be able to hear that anymore.

..the list goes on and on, from material possession to sentimental things you love about her. Its very easy to forget all of the good qualities a woman possesses over time. Making a list of her "assets" emotionally and otherwise is a very good way to see just how much you'd be losing by cheating. That said, if you can make that list and honestly say you can give them up; then I'd advise a divorce.

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abaya

Really well put, JinnKai. If this list doesn't get you revved up about your wife, then something really is wrong there, and you need to get out of that marriage.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

air45

here is a solution for you!

say to your lady ''how do you like to swing?" she may talk to you in excite voice: "yes, this is appealing to me for sex!"

do you see the meaning? now you can sex and so can your wife sex! this is premium for love and your penis member!

skysooner

I have to agree with Daoust here.

Yes there are tons of potential problems all over the place here. There is the marriage, self-respect, guilt and other things. However, I have always said to thine own self be true. I also believe that you should have the freedom to do what you want as long as you don't hurt other people.

We can only approach life in the way that our own nature lets us. There are so many different possibilities of ways to live that far be it for me to say to someone else that there way is wrong. It may just not work for me, but I have limited life experience as I still will the day I die.

Do what you will, but also realize that if she finds out, in most situations, the marriage is over.

mr sticky

Okay...

I'm going to stir up the pot here and get to the core of the matter. But first, I got some questions.

1) What was your rationale for posting this? Do you want a group of anonymous individuals to tell you it's okay to cheat on your wife?

-OR-

Are you looking for us to tell you that you are wrong and you are looking for ideas on how not to do this anymore?

The thing is...you wouldn't have told us if you were okay with what you are doing. I just want to know what answer are you looking for. Permission or redemption?

2) Do you know why you cheat? Is it a hyper sex drive that she couldn't possibly fufill? Are there certain acts that she won't perform? Is it just an ego thing? Do you need the constant reaffirmation of your attractiveness?

You see.... this is the meat of the issue. The *why* is all important. And sadly, that's something that's the hardest to figure out. It could be her- It could be you, It could just be chemistry. But it's gotta be something.

Go and ponder my friend...that is, of course if you are unhappy with your current setup. If you're happy...then none of this matters, and remember to wrap that rascal!

oh- I know it doesn't sound like it, but I'm not being trite purposefully, These are the issues as I see them.

Luck,
mr sticky

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Giant Hamburger

When you got married did you not take an oath in front of all those who are important to you?

If yes, did you break it in less than a year for vague and semi-thought out reasons?

If yes, then you are not to be trusted.

Salomon

Yes, you have proven yourself untrustworthy.

For what its worth, have you mentioned these feelings to your wife? If you haven't, you should. I have no doubt whatsoever that she would prefer to hear you speak your feelings to her than inevitably (INEVITABLY) find out the gory details behind your back.

This relationship is in a crisis. Remain on path you are presently on, and there is likely just one possible outcome: the end of the relationship. If you're lucky, there's another possiblility: she finds out, and the 2 of you live together in misery. Communication. Talk to her about it, or go to a marriage counselor, or start preparing for the inevitable.

madp

This is the Truth with a capital "T".

You aren't the guy that you led your wife to believe you are. You can't fake a successful marriage. Being honest with yourself and your wife will set you free.

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Redlemon

Excellent point... and looking again at his followup...
"Ever growing group"... he wants us to tell him everyone does this. Nope, didn't happen.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

taboo

Maybe try and think about why you have the need to look elsewhere..
Something might be missing between your wife and yourself..
unless you got into the marriage for reasons that you now realize maybe weren't what they were "supposed" to be..

And nothing is "supposed" to be anything. Who ever said that humans were made to be in monogamous relationships???? Shitt.....
It's good for some, not good for others....I don;t know...

We're so complicated...