Married but looking - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cynthetiq · 10-03-2005, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daoust

Here's my advice Tim, and I advise you take it to heart: The morality that everyone in this thread is trying to push on you is pure garbage. You don't need to listen to one single word that people are saying to you.
If you want to cheat on your wife, do it. It's your decision. Your life. Nobody can or should tell you what is 'right' or 'wrong' because surely by now we've all learned that those terms do not exist, except in our own minds.

The mantra of the world is "do what you feel like", closely followed by "Look out for number 1". Don't let anyone tell you different. So far every person on this thread has told you that what you're doing is wrong, with the exception maybe of Ratbastid. But, really, WHO ARE THEY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE WRONG? What gave them the right to be judgmental? You look after yourself, and do what you feel is best. If that means adultery, so be it.

So what do you think, fellow TFP'ers? Is that good advice? Am I wrong to give that advice??

sure... that's sound advice....

as is all the advice posted here in the thread so far...

BUT it's the accepting the consequences of such actions one must understand... being monogamous has it's own consequences as does cheating on the wife.

Poppinjay · 10-04-2005, 04:32 AM

Tim2Shady,

I got married at about the same age you did. I don't think there's much different between you and me and any other guy. This past weekend, I had a hottie hit on me not once, but twice, and she made it clear that her friend did EVERYTHING with her.

It was fun to think about, but it's all squishy and warm on the inside. In the end, I prefer someone I can talk to day in and day out.

If you truly want your marriage to work, man up. Romance and do all those things with your wife that you want to do to the girls. If your sex life (as a couple) is a problem, then seek counseling, but if she's willing as often as you are, you shouldn't even have time to pursue other encounters. In short, forge a MATURE sexual relationship with your wife before you go hunting down the other 31 flavors. She may want to hunt with you. She may not. But by circumventing the growth of your partnership, you're denying her this chance.

As far as what Daoust has posted, I will say that Tim2Shady is wrong and I have no problem with anybody slamming me for that. You're not wrong because you want to have sex a whole bunch, with different people, you are wrong because you submitted to a social contract without making clear and honest your desires. You fell to the pressure of society to get married, but not the pressure to stick to the agreed bounds of that marriage. Funny, that. If you had married, with her knowing you wanted an open marriage and now she was balking, then I would say she was wrong.

If you're convinced that being sexually untethered is more important than being married, I'd suggest you come clean ASAP and resolve this issue with the person you love. Your 30's is a good time to be single, nobody really keeps up the bullshit pretentions of the 20's. Otherwise, start the repair work and figure out that your desires are pretty common. Deal with it.

Xazy · 10-06-2005, 09:44 AM

Just because you are on a diet, does not mean you cannot read the menu!

I have had people hit on me, and had opportunities presented to me, but it is about your morals and ethical belief. And I personally believe in monogamy. You entered into a commitment, and I feel cannot stray, it is against my religious belief, and values I hold of.

Want to look, talk about, dream of, etc... Go for it, but anything more, I think is wrong (unless your significant other agrees to it of course).

Lead543 · 10-06-2005, 12:59 PM

Well, I've only been with streak for 9 months but I gotta say, I NEVER think about hooking up with anyone else. Even the far-fetched celebrity fantasy isn't appealling. The truth is, the thought of being with anyone else in any context feels wrong.

I think that you owe it to your partner to be truthful, and decide whether or not you want to work on being faithful or whether your desire to be with other people is stronger. It'll hurt her more in the end if you decieve her...and she WILL find out.

Don't be that guy.

motdakasha · 10-06-2005, 06:11 PM

i am going to say some things that i hope are obvious:

1. be honest with yourself. only you know what your intentions in this marriage are.
2. be honest with your wife. if you're cheating, she should know.
3. be honest about the relationship. see if you can work out an open relationship.
4. if you can't sort out the relationship, where you and her stand, and if you're on the same page, be honest with what needs to happen next.

Sweetpea · 10-06-2005, 07:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JinnKai

To add to the list above, ^

See her eyes? Hers. You won't get to look into them like you used to.
See that hair? Hers. Won't be able to touch and smell it like you used to.
See her body? Hers. You won't get to see that naked anymore.. touch it like you used to..
Hear her laugh? Hers. You'll not be able to hear that anymore.

..the list goes on and on, from material possession to sentimental things you love about her. Its very easy to forget all of the good qualities a woman possesses over time. Making a list of her "assets" emotionally and otherwise is a very good way to see just how much you'd be losing by cheating. That said, if you can make that list and honestly say you can give them up; then I'd advise a divorce.

Wow! incredible thoughts... very well said!

Sweetpea

dlish · 10-06-2005, 09:36 PM

seaver is right...

doing a semi-cute girl aint worth it unless u have a pre-nump

Nancy · 10-19-2005, 03:46 AM

I was in the same situation as you in my last relationship. The mere thought of only having sex with one man for the rest of my life made me panic. So I cheated on him. Eventually I got out of the relationship and am now with Loverboy with whom I have an open relationship with. I get both love and my lust satisfied. It works perfectly for the both of us and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be.

I don't think it's fair to your wife that you cheat on her but I don't think it's fair that you should restrain your lust either. And since it doesn't sound like you're going to change then there's only two options really: continue or get out of the relationship and try finding a woman who's into open relationships.

innovis · 10-19-2005, 12:28 PM

I didn't pick up why you're unhappy in your marriage. Why?

Is it ONLY because you want to fuck around?

Cimarron29414 · 10-19-2005, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daoust

If you want to cheat on your wife, do it. It's your decision. Your life. Nobody can or should tell you what is 'right' or 'wrong' because surely by now we've all learned that those terms do not exist, except in our own minds.

So what do you think, fellow TFP'ers? Is that good advice? Am I wrong to give that advice??

Daoust is wrong and you are wrong. Not because of your desires, but because you entered into a legally binding contract and you are violating that contract. Entering into the contract gives the other participant the right to assume that you are upholding your end of the agreement. This has been proven in court millions of times before and is witnessed by the millions of divorces that exist on the books. When your wife finds out about your infidelity, she will divorce you. She will be gone from your life in 3 months (in my state), and you will wonder what was so important that made this seem like such a good idea.

Frankly, I don't care if your screw every unmarried girl in your county. However, your doing it while bound to a legal contract shows a tremendous lack of character. There is no "I guess I am not cut out for...blah, blah, blah" statement that can excuse your behavior. If you aren't cut out for marriage, fine. Leave your wife BEFORE you violate your agreement to her. I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her.

air45 · 10-19-2005, 01:03 PM

this surely is a tricky situation!

the problem is your member, this is my opinions. because even if your brain and your heart know that cheat style is bad for all, your member has a stiff power that want to be inside a new vagina. it cannot help what it need! it is program like this by GOD!

if your member is stiff, it keep the brain from working so good. so this is a sticky problem to be sure. but wear the condom on your member if you put it inside a strange vagina.

klined · 11-03-2005, 01:17 PM

Try and get her to think outside the box, have you ever watched another guy bang the piss out of your spouse? It is a pretty thrilling experience. Start by watching pr0n before doing the deed, maybe watch a video with 2guys on 1 girl, and she might get the hint, after that, see if she wants to try it, then it is open range after that

kyllmore · 11-10-2005, 02:02 PM

Hi Tim

I know somewhat of how you're feeling. While I have not had sexual entercourse with another woman, i have come very close and have commited adultery by breaking her trust with getting too close to another woman emotionally. I got married when i was 20, I am about to turn 31. So from your comment about getting married because it was the right thign to do and realizing now that you may not WANT to be married, I completely underdstand.

Don't get Tim and I wrong everyone, we love our wives, we have devoted ourselves to our wives, but there's always these stunning women in the world that we can't keep our eyes off of and can't stop the thoughts from going through our head about them. Mind you, the post on this forum about your actions defining the type of person you are is completely correct. I know I crossed the line and I regret it, I am going to try 110% not to ever let that happen again, because: 1) It hurt my wife beyond words, 2) It embarrasses me that i gave into it, that i wasnt strong enough, 3) It hurts getting close to someone out of passion and almost throwing away your life.

My advice for you Tim, since you are still so new in your marriage is to really look inside yourself to figure out what you want. And to do so, i think you need profession help, someone neutral to talk to (Aside from us goofs on the forums) and really find out what you need for you. If you think you;'d be happer alone, you may find in a couple years that you have had a dozen empty realationships and that you really would rather have your wife back, and it'll be too late.

For me, I know what i want, i want my wife, I want my family. I had to look hard into myself to figure that out, and i had to have the help of a higher power to lead me in the right direction. And above all, i needed a loving wife to support me no matter what my decison was and to try her hardest to forgive what i have done.

I hope my thoughts help, feel free to send me a private message and we can talk more.

~~Kyll

xepherys · 11-14-2005, 10:46 AM

It's self control, bro! I mean, how many drop-dead hot 16 year-old girls are there out there? Any guy who says they'd NEVER look at a 16 or 17 year old is full of shit. That doesn't mean you go picking up girls at the homecoming game. Temptation is a part of life. Sexual temptations can be tough to resist. But, sometimes you just have to. If nothing else, maybe this'll be good for you. Keep your dick in your pants (except for your wife) for the next year. If you can do it, and you really do LOVE her... tell her the truth, try to be forgiven and move forward. If not, tell her the truth and move on to something more single-lifed.

xepherys · 11-14-2005, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daoust

Here's my advice Tim, and I advise you take it to heart: The morality that everyone in this thread is trying to push on you is pure garbage. You don't need to listen to one single word that people are saying to you.
If you want to cheat on your wife, do it. It's your decision. Your life. Nobody can or should tell you what is 'right' or 'wrong' because surely by now we've all learned that those terms do not exist, except in our own minds.

The mantra of the world is "do what you feel like", closely followed by "Look out for number 1". Don't let anyone tell you different. So far every person on this thread has told you that what you're doing is wrong, with the exception maybe of Ratbastid. But, really, WHO ARE THEY TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE WRONG? What gave them the right to be judgmental? You look after yourself, and do what you feel is best. If that means adultery, so be it.

So what do you think, fellow TFP'ers? Is that good advice? Am I wrong to give that advice??

Interesting... it IS good advice. Generally speaking, I do concern myself with... well... myself. However, I try to do so NOT at the expense of those around me that I care about. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a dick when it comes to strangers. If it's me or some Joe Blow down the road... fuck 'em! It's gonna be me! If it's my happiness or my wifes? My kids? My family? My friends? Well, it's probably not going to be my happiness. That my conscience preventing me from screwing over someone who's feelings I care about (read, not most people's).

I'm not saying that what he's doing is WRONG. I'm just here to peddle my advice, for whatever it's worth to the individual reader. Hell, I'm not perfect. I certainly have NO notion that my advice is right because I am a perfect being. I'm a dick. I hate most people. I probably think that my shit is WAY more important than yours. *shrug* But, he came here and asked for advice... take it or leave it!

uptown · 11-15-2005, 01:40 AM

You need to really sit down and think hard about not just the kind of life that YOU want but also about the kind of life you'd wish for your wife and any future kids to have.

You loved this woman enough to marry her,love her enough now to either man up and get some counseling to help you clarify your thoughts and recommit to your marriage or divorce her and move on. Whatever you do, don't stick around for 10 yrs and 2 kids halfheartedly committed but pursuing everything in a skirt.

We all have the right to pursue happiness, including your wife, make sure she gets the same options you want for yourself.

denton · 12-04-2005, 01:31 PM

Either stop, and stay with her or keep screwing around but get a damn divorce, it's just gonna cost more later when she finally finds out (she will, unless you are like a James Bond).

And DO NOT tell her either way. If you stay with her, you will wear that collar as long as she is with you.

Toaster126 · 12-05-2005, 04:41 AM

I have no problem with open relationships if both people know what the score is. However, you aren't in one. If you choose not to live up to the agreement you made with your wife, then you should tell her that and divorce. It's that simple. Don't tell her because it will assauge your guilt, tell her so she doesn't spend years trying to figure out how she failed. As your finances get raped, think of it as a life lesson. I have no sympathy for cheaters, and someone able to do something so cold to another person and refuse to own up to it can't be trusted.

KDJ · 12-13-2005, 12:05 PM

I was interested to read people's response to your "issue". The responses tended to be in three categories:

- You have a morality issue (allowing the respondents the self-indulgence of taking the moral high ground)
- Your just "wired" that way - with the following options: Open marriage, continue the behavior, etc...
- Seek therapy - absolutely the best of the three.

This is all my opinion (not fact- just my reality):

As "western" males we are inundated with sexual intrigue throughout our lives- through media- ads, entertainment and pornography as well as our social structure that encourages (and celebrates) sexual promiscuity. The simple fact that pornography is still a thriving business despite what happens to the economy is an indicator of how prevalent it is in our daily lives. I am not "down" on pornography- I'm simply stating a fact.

There are several acknowledged addictions or "diseases" in our society - alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc... One of the least recognized and acknowledged "disease" is sexual addiction. I believe there is two main reasons for this- sex is recognized as normal and desirable between two adults and there is a lot of deep seated shame in acknowledging that a sexual issue exists. There are two questions that I would encourage anyone that may think they have a problem ask themselves: 1) Do you now, or have you ever, used sex (masturbation, promiscuity) as a coping mechanism- especially early in development. 2) Do you have an overwhelming obsession in your current daily life with sex, pornography, etc... (From your original text, I believe you described your obsession with pursuing other sexual partners pretty well).

If you (or anyone) feel that they have an isolating obsession with sex, it would not matter how much you Love your spouse. Sex addicts actually have a highly developed mechanism to break their lives into separate compartments. Secrets are everything- it is almost as if the person is leading two separate lives. However, what usually happens is- as the sexual addiction takes up more and more of the person's time- the "real" relationship start to suffer.

The best a person in this predicament can hope for is to first be "self-aware", secondly (if they have the means) seek help professionally. Standard HMO's and some psychologists do not recognize the affliction. If you do not have the means to seek professional help- there are several 12-step groups that can greatly assist recovery.

Remember, this is NOT an issue of how much you Love your wife- or how "moral" you may be. This may simply be a lifelong pattern and part of your survival skills.

That is my .02- take it or leave it as it applies, and above all GOOD LUCK.

motdakasha · 12-13-2005, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KDJ

There are several acknowledged addictions or "diseases" in our society - alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc... One of the least recognized and acknowledged "disease" is sexual addiction.

Standard HMO's and some psychologists do not recognize the affliction.

The reason it may seem like it's "one of the least recognized" is because it is NOT recognized or accepted in the world of psychology and sexology. The notion of "sex addiction" is mostly thought of as an outdated Freudian notion (nymphomania and satyriasis). The DSM-IV removed both terms and replaced it with a much more specific term, hypersexuality, which is a notion very different from "addiction to sex." Beyond neurological causes of hypersexuality, any therapist who claims they can help treat your "sex addiction" will most assuredly not be treating you using any known, well-studied and supported, or generally accepted methods. (And in my opinion are most probably going to be crackpots.)

Here's the wiki description of hypersexuality:

Quote:

Hypersexuality can be a symptom of bipolar disorder, which is part of the wider disease spectrum known as manic depression, and is generally associated with the manic phase of the disease. It can result in behavior that the manic person later regrets.

Hypersexuality can also be caused by Kluver-Bucy syndrome, a neurobehavioral syndrome associated with bilateral medial temporal lobe dysfunction.

Hypersexuality has sometimes been reported following brain injuries and diseases that cause dementia and loss of impulse control.

Hypersexuality is characterized by an impairing need for frequent genital stimulation that does not result in sexual satisfaction. This dissatisfaction is what is believed to encourage the heightened frequency of sexual stimulation, as well as additional physiological and neurological symptoms.

xrayvision2 · 12-20-2005, 10:21 AM

i'm also 32 and married and think of other women constantly, but then i resort to masturbation and it helps for a while

bloodychill · 12-27-2005, 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoSoup

If you aren't happy with your current relationship, that's fine - but why hurt the woman you "love?" Talk to her and tell her the truth. Own up to it like a man and divorce her if you are going to continue cheating on her.

Pretty much nails it.

Dane Bramage · 12-27-2005, 02:06 PM

Lemme preface my post by saying that it is your life and you can do anything you want with it... but you asked for opinions... so you are gonna get them. Mine won't be nice. I have read most of them... most of them seem to pull punches. Most of them seem to attempt some civility... mine won't. Nothing get's me going more than cheaters and liers. And that is what you are. A lier. Your wrong because you are lying. Every second that you don't tell her what you are doing is a lie. Some people above think that it's okay to lie and cheat and destory the life of someone important to you, but I do not. You see... I've been on the recieving end of it. It took 2 years to trust again. Pretty shitty if you ask me.

From your post you seem to express some regret. Is this the case? Do you regret doing the things you have done? If that is the case, then stop doing it. Quite simple, really. Tell her about it, and ask her forgivness. You probably won't get it, but you will at least feel better about it.

I understand the desire to "look to other fields" when you are married. Manogomy is a difficult thing, but that is the promise you made. Either live up to your vows or get the fuck out. We all have a brain with a rational capacity to overpower our base instincts. That is one of the things that makes us human. To DECIDED upon a course of action instead of ACT instinctively. To say that you can't control yourself or that you want to stop but can, is total bullshit. You either do or your don't.

Be a man, live up to the promise you made her and stop cheating. That's all I got to say. Cut and dry.

Batski · 12-28-2005, 03:32 PM

maybe you arent ready to be married yet?

Guinevere · 01-06-2006, 09:37 AM

***The *why* is all important. And sadly, that's something that's the hardest to figure out.***

From my own experience I say that people who cheat will continue to no matter the consequences or pain. We have issues that run so deep, no amount of self-awareness can change it. You can learn the reasons 'why' but to give up the salve that soothes the wound is nearly impossible.

Daoust · 01-06-2006, 10:39 AM

Interesting that you mention issues Guinevere. I sometimes find myself entertaining the thought of cheating, and I have to admit I've thought about it too much for my own good, and I've often wondered what is wrong with me, what is wrong in my head that I think/feel this way. I have even played out scenarios in my head where the wife and I go to a marriage counsellor and I spill my guts on why I think the marriage is having problems and I come up with all kinds of reasons like stress over financial situations, a sex life that was messed up from the very beginning etc.

The truth is I don't know why I think about cheating so much. I am not messed up. I don't have a long history of psychological issues and stuff. I come from a very strong two parent family. I have never been abused. I have never suffered any psychological trauma.

The best reason why I can think I consider cheating is the 'grass is always greener' philosophy. But I know it isn't.

Sultana · 01-06-2006, 11:13 AM

So Guinevere, if you don't mind me asking, what are your reasons for staying in your marriage? And what are your thoughts on love - love in your marriage (since you've already stated you don't want to invest yourself too much in your other relationships, I'm guessing you're not exactly looking for "love" there, yes)?

Daoust - do you think it could be attractive to you because it is Forbidden? If, in a fantasy world, it wasn't forbidden to you, is it still attractive?

I always thought that if one's needs were being met in one's current relationship, the urge to cheat simply wouldn't come up. Or perhaps, in reverse, the thought of cheating comes up if one is unhappy, unsatisfied?

But now I think perhaps that's too one-dimensional. Probably there are as many different reasons "why" as there are individuals, and I don't know if it's possible to say, "It always boils down to this one thing...XXX", despite humans attempts to define, catalog, etc.

Guinevere · 01-06-2006, 11:32 AM

I doubt it has much to do with love or sex.

Guinevere · 01-06-2006, 11:40 AM

I new to this and could really use some tips on how to move around, track responses, etc. Can someone point me to an area that can help this new rookie user?

Esen · 01-07-2006, 08:57 PM

Hey, I don't need to judge you or anything but a few things you may want to know about.

In your current situation I would really be carefull about having kids.
The reason why I say this is becasue It will throw a big wall between you and the decisions your need to make for yourself and your wife.
You may be thinking to yourself I'm not having kids, well when you are in a marriage and things are not working out kids sometimes wind up happening, I'm not saying it always happens and such and of course I'm not saying not to ever have kids. but it is really hard to walk away from a relationship when you have kids and if you keep the relationship becasue of the kids well that can also be bad news.

One other thing you should think of if you are going to cheat, is that many times when a woman or a man is in a marriage they think to themselves I am with someone I love and I am now safe to love and have sex with my partner the way It is meant to be, and condoms go out the window. You are with the one you trust. Well if your wife trusts you and is having sex with you and you are having sex with others she is not given the option to protect herslf from third party sex becasue well she trusts you that she is the only one who you are having sex with.

You need to be carefull bud.
My parents friend (an awesome woman) now has HIV becasue her ex husband contracted the disease from a third party.

This is where all those vows things and all come in.

Marriage is kind of a contract. and all that honor and cherish stuff really means that well you are opening yourself up to the other person to trust each other and know that you will keep each other safe.
Personally to me love is when you can tell the other person anything where they can see the true garbage inside of you and not leave. It is something that really needs to grow in a couple. If you have that true and love you can be open with your wife of the torment that you are going through everyday and that is making you stray.

Don't let it tear you up. That is one of the beautiful things about your wife. She is with you becasue well she can help you heal and you can help her. I mean you are life partners. Now I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong or not.

It just sounds to me that since you wrote this post in some odd way you are screaming out for help.
I mean shit you said you don't want to hurt her. And at the same time you don't want to hurt yourself.

You have a woman here who is willing to grow with you, you may look at this as an incredible opportunity to evolve into something you may have never thought could happen. Or you may be with the worng person. if that is the case. Love her anyways and work with her tog o your own ways. but truly love her no matter what. Hate can sometimes creep in when we start to resent our situation. Don't let that happen don't let your relationship start to decay.

Anyhow these are a few tips. don't know if they apply to you or not or if they would even help.
just know that when you post on the TFP people are listening and actually care.
Best of luck to you.

motdakasha · 01-08-2006, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Esen

Marriage is kind of a contract.

It's not just kind of a contract, it is a contract. That's why you sign a marriage license when you get married. It is a legally binding document between you, your spouse, the person who "swore you in," so to speak, as well as witnesses to the event (like the best man and bridesmaid).

Vaultboy · 01-08-2006, 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daoust

Interesting that you mention issues Guinevere. I sometimes find myself entertaining the thought of cheating, and I have to admit I've thought about it too much for my own good, and I've often wondered what is wrong with me, what is wrong in my head that I think/feel this way. I have even played out scenarios in my head ...[Vaultboy]about the various possibly outcomes of me cheating, what would happen to our relationship, how could/would I deal with the guilt etc.[/Vaultboy]

The truth is I don't know why I think about cheating so much. I am not messed up. I don't have a long history of psychological issues and stuff. I come from a very strong two parent family. I have never been abused. I have never suffered any psychological trauma.

The best reason why I can think I consider cheating is the 'grass is always greener' philosophy. But I know it isn't.

My thoughts verbatim. I doubt i'll ever cheat, because I respect myself and my girlfriend too much. Plus I'm a terrible liar and the guilt would kill me. But that doesn't stop the thoughts, and I've thought about it way too much.

tenchi069 · 01-09-2006, 01:41 PM

Cheating is not about you or your rights, wants, etc.
Cheating is about the OTHER person, your wife, husband, or life-partner.

Cheating is not about values ( I think marriage is sacred/not sacred )
Cheating is about you not caring about a person that has placed trust in you.

Don't confuse "should I end this marriage" with "should I cheat." They are NOT the same.

This is not a flame as it is not directed at you but a general observation of all cheaters.

If you cheat, you are a lowlife coward with no respect for anyone else but yourself. If you want to sleep with someone that is not your spouse, tell them. If they are okay with it, then they will tell you, if they are not, then the two of you divorce.

tenchi

Guinevere · 01-09-2006, 03:06 PM

Do you really believe everything is so black and white--ie, 'tell or don't tell...'

It simply is not.

Lyncher · 01-09-2006, 05:45 PM

get your wife intrested in SWINGING BABY YAH! ... but seriously try it. Maybe she might be intrested. otherwise keep your pecker in your pants. sorry no easy way to put that.

Cardenal · 01-13-2006, 05:30 PM

I'm not exactly married... but I feel the same way. I find it hard to understand how people can remain eternally faithful especially when I put myself in that sort of scenario. Worse yet, the only thing that consoles me is that the general consensus is that true love will give you those opinions. Some metaphysical bond with a person exists will stop me from ever desiring to commit infidelity. I've just not experienced it.

I don't agree with this. The obvious response to my disagreement is I've yet to experience it. Regardless, I consider "love" an emotion that comes and goes. I understand the commit of marriage is not just love, though. It sucks not being able to satisfy your sexual and emotional urges, immediate as they may be. I think this is common to anyone, just how much they can control themselves is what differs.

10-04-2005, 04:32 AM	#42 (permalink)
Poppinjay You had me at hello Location: DC/Coastal VA	Tim2Shady, I got married at about the same age you did. I don't think there's much different between you and me and any other guy. This past weekend, I had a hottie hit on me not once, but twice, and she made it clear that her friend did EVERYTHING with her. It was fun to think about, but it's all squishy and warm on the inside. In the end, I prefer someone I can talk to day in and day out. If you truly want your marriage to work, man up. Romance and do all those things with your wife that you want to do to the girls. If your sex life (as a couple) is a problem, then seek counseling, but if she's willing as often as you are, you shouldn't even have time to pursue other encounters. In short, forge a MATURE sexual relationship with your wife before you go hunting down the other 31 flavors. She may want to hunt with you. She may not. But by circumventing the growth of your partnership, you're denying her this chance. As far as what Daoust has posted, I will say that Tim2Shady is wrong and I have no problem with anybody slamming me for that. You're not wrong because you want to have sex a whole bunch, with different people, you are wrong because you submitted to a social contract without making clear and honest your desires. You fell to the pressure of society to get married, but not the pressure to stick to the agreed bounds of that marriage. Funny, that. If you had married, with her knowing you wanted an open marriage and now she was balking, then I would say she was wrong. If you're convinced that being sexually untethered is more important than being married, I'd suggest you come clean ASAP and resolve this issue with the person you love. Your 30's is a good time to be single, nobody really keeps up the bullshit pretentions of the 20's. Otherwise, start the repair work and figure out that your desires are pretty common. Deal with it. __________________ I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

10-06-2005, 06:11 PM	#45 (permalink)
motdakasha Hiya Puddin'! Miss me? Location: Silicon Valley, CA	i am going to say some things that i hope are obvious: 1. be honest with yourself. only you know what your intentions in this marriage are. 2. be honest with your wife. if you're cheating, she should know. 3. be honest about the relationship. see if you can work out an open relationship. 4. if you can't sort out the relationship, where you and her stand, and if you're on the same page, be honest with what needs to happen next. __________________ =^-^= motdakasha =^-^= Just Google It. BA Psychology & Photography (I'm not going psychoanalyze you nor will I let you cry on my shoulder. Have a nice day.)

10-06-2005, 09:36 PM	#47 (permalink)
dlish Currently sour but formerly Dlishs Super Moderator Location: Australia/UAE	seaver is right... doing a semi-cute girl aint worth it unless u have a pre-nump __________________ An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay? - Filthy

10-19-2005, 03:46 AM	#48 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	I was in the same situation as you in my last relationship. The mere thought of only having sex with one man for the rest of my life made me panic. So I cheated on him. Eventually I got out of the relationship and am now with Loverboy with whom I have an open relationship with. I get both love and my lust satisfied. It works perfectly for the both of us and I'm happier than I ever thought I could be. I don't think it's fair to your wife that you cheat on her but I don't think it's fair that you should restrain your lust either. And since it doesn't sound like you're going to change then there's only two options really: continue or get out of the relationship and try finding a woman who's into open relationships. __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.

11-15-2005, 01:40 AM	#56 (permalink)
uptown Insane	You need to really sit down and think hard about not just the kind of life that YOU want but also about the kind of life you'd wish for your wife and any future kids to have. You loved this woman enough to marry her,love her enough now to either man up and get some counseling to help you clarify your thoughts and recommit to your marriage or divorce her and move on. Whatever you do, don't stick around for 10 yrs and 2 kids halfheartedly committed but pursuing everything in a skirt. We all have the right to pursue happiness, including your wife, make sure she gets the same options you want for yourself. Last edited by uptown; 11-15-2005 at 01:44 AM..

10-06-2005, 09:44 AM	#43 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	Just because you are on a diet, does not mean you cannot read the menu! I have had people hit on me, and had opportunities presented to me, but it is about your morals and ethical belief. And I personally believe in monogamy. You entered into a commitment, and I feel cannot stray, it is against my religious belief, and values I hold of. Want to look, talk about, dream of, etc... Go for it, but anything more, I think is wrong (unless your significant other agrees to it of course).

10-06-2005, 12:59 PM	#44 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Well, I've only been with streak for 9 months but I gotta say, I NEVER think about hooking up with anyone else. Even the far-fetched celebrity fantasy isn't appealling. The truth is, the thought of being with anyone else in any context feels wrong. I think that you owe it to your partner to be truthful, and decide whether or not you want to work on being faithful or whether your desire to be with other people is stronger. It'll hurt her more in the end if you decieve her...and she WILL find out. Don't be that guy.

10-19-2005, 12:28 PM	#49 (permalink)
innovis Crazy	I didn't pick up why you're unhappy in your marriage. Why? Is it ONLY because you want to fuck around?

10-19-2005, 01:03 PM	#51 (permalink)
air45 Loser Location: Midwest	this surely is a tricky situation! the problem is your member, this is my opinions. because even if your brain and your heart know that cheat style is bad for all, your member has a stiff power that want to be inside a new vagina. it cannot help what it need! it is program like this by GOD! if your member is stiff, it keep the brain from working so good. so this is a sticky problem to be sure. but wear the condom on your member if you put it inside a strange vagina.

11-03-2005, 01:17 PM	#52 (permalink)
klined Upright Location: Earth	Try and get her to think outside the box, have you ever watched another guy bang the piss out of your spouse? It is a pretty thrilling experience. Start by watching pr0n before doing the deed, maybe watch a video with 2guys on 1 girl, and she might get the hint, after that, see if she wants to try it, then it is open range after that

11-10-2005, 02:02 PM	#53 (permalink)
kyllmore Upright Location: Yellowknife, NT, Canada	Hi Tim I know somewhat of how you're feeling. While I have not had sexual entercourse with another woman, i have come very close and have commited adultery by breaking her trust with getting too close to another woman emotionally. I got married when i was 20, I am about to turn 31. So from your comment about getting married because it was the right thign to do and realizing now that you may not WANT to be married, I completely underdstand. Don't get Tim and I wrong everyone, we love our wives, we have devoted ourselves to our wives, but there's always these stunning women in the world that we can't keep our eyes off of and can't stop the thoughts from going through our head about them. Mind you, the post on this forum about your actions defining the type of person you are is completely correct. I know I crossed the line and I regret it, I am going to try 110% not to ever let that happen again, because: 1) It hurt my wife beyond words, 2) It embarrasses me that i gave into it, that i wasnt strong enough, 3) It hurts getting close to someone out of passion and almost throwing away your life. My advice for you Tim, since you are still so new in your marriage is to really look inside yourself to figure out what you want. And to do so, i think you need profession help, someone neutral to talk to (Aside from us goofs on the forums) and really find out what you need for you. If you think you;'d be happer alone, you may find in a couple years that you have had a dozen empty realationships and that you really would rather have your wife back, and it'll be too late. For me, I know what i want, i want my wife, I want my family. I had to look hard into myself to figure that out, and i had to have the help of a higher power to lead me in the right direction. And above all, i needed a loving wife to support me no matter what my decison was and to try her hardest to forgive what i have done. I hope my thoughts help, feel free to send me a private message and we can talk more. ~~Kyll

11-14-2005, 10:46 AM	#54 (permalink)
xepherys <3 TFP Location: 17TLH2445607250	It's self control, bro! I mean, how many drop-dead hot 16 year-old girls are there out there? Any guy who says they'd NEVER look at a 16 or 17 year old is full of shit. That doesn't mean you go picking up girls at the homecoming game. Temptation is a part of life. Sexual temptations can be tough to resist. But, sometimes you just have to. If nothing else, maybe this'll be good for you. Keep your dick in your pants (except for your wife) for the next year. If you can do it, and you really do LOVE her... tell her the truth, try to be forgiven and move forward. If not, tell her the truth and move on to something more single-lifed.

12-04-2005, 01:31 PM	#57 (permalink)
denton Crazy	Either stop, and stay with her or keep screwing around but get a damn divorce, it's just gonna cost more later when she finally finds out (she will, unless you are like a James Bond). And DO NOT tell her either way. If you stay with her, you will wear that collar as long as she is with you.

12-05-2005, 04:41 AM	#58 (permalink)
Toaster126 Extreme moderation Location: Kansas City, yo.	I have no problem with open relationships if both people know what the score is. However, you aren't in one. If you choose not to live up to the agreement you made with your wife, then you should tell her that and divorce. It's that simple. Don't tell her because it will assauge your guilt, tell her so she doesn't spend years trying to figure out how she failed. As your finances get raped, think of it as a life lesson. I have no sympathy for cheaters, and someone able to do something so cold to another person and refuse to own up to it can't be trusted. __________________ "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand) "The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

12-13-2005, 12:05 PM	#59 (permalink)
KDJ Upright	I was interested to read people's response to your "issue". The responses tended to be in three categories: - You have a morality issue (allowing the respondents the self-indulgence of taking the moral high ground) - Your just "wired" that way - with the following options: Open marriage, continue the behavior, etc... - Seek therapy - absolutely the best of the three. This is all my opinion (not fact- just my reality): As "western" males we are inundated with sexual intrigue throughout our lives- through media- ads, entertainment and pornography as well as our social structure that encourages (and celebrates) sexual promiscuity. The simple fact that pornography is still a thriving business despite what happens to the economy is an indicator of how prevalent it is in our daily lives. I am not "down" on pornography- I'm simply stating a fact. There are several acknowledged addictions or "diseases" in our society - alcoholism, drugs, gambling, etc... One of the least recognized and acknowledged "disease" is sexual addiction. I believe there is two main reasons for this- sex is recognized as normal and desirable between two adults and there is a lot of deep seated shame in acknowledging that a sexual issue exists. There are two questions that I would encourage anyone that may think they have a problem ask themselves: 1) Do you now, or have you ever, used sex (masturbation, promiscuity) as a coping mechanism- especially early in development. 2) Do you have an overwhelming obsession in your current daily life with sex, pornography, etc... (From your original text, I believe you described your obsession with pursuing other sexual partners pretty well). If you (or anyone) feel that they have an isolating obsession with sex, it would not matter how much you Love your spouse. Sex addicts actually have a highly developed mechanism to break their lives into separate compartments. Secrets are everything- it is almost as if the person is leading two separate lives. However, what usually happens is- as the sexual addiction takes up more and more of the person's time- the "real" relationship start to suffer. The best a person in this predicament can hope for is to first be "self-aware", secondly (if they have the means) seek help professionally. Standard HMO's and some psychologists do not recognize the affliction. If you do not have the means to seek professional help- there are several 12-step groups that can greatly assist recovery. Remember, this is NOT an issue of how much you Love your wife- or how "moral" you may be. This may simply be a lifelong pattern and part of your survival skills. That is my .02- take it or leave it as it applies, and above all GOOD LUCK.

12-20-2005, 10:21 AM	#61 (permalink)
xrayvision2 Upright	i'm also 32 and married and think of other women constantly, but then i resort to masturbation and it helps for a while

12-27-2005, 02:06 PM	#63 (permalink)
Dane Bramage Insane Location: Charlotte, NC	Lemme preface my post by saying that it is your life and you can do anything you want with it... but you asked for opinions... so you are gonna get them. Mine won't be nice. I have read most of them... most of them seem to pull punches. Most of them seem to attempt some civility... mine won't. Nothing get's me going more than cheaters and liers. And that is what you are. A lier. Your wrong because you are lying. Every second that you don't tell her what you are doing is a lie. Some people above think that it's okay to lie and cheat and destory the life of someone important to you, but I do not. You see... I've been on the recieving end of it. It took 2 years to trust again. Pretty shitty if you ask me. From your post you seem to express some regret. Is this the case? Do you regret doing the things you have done? If that is the case, then stop doing it. Quite simple, really. Tell her about it, and ask her forgivness. You probably won't get it, but you will at least feel better about it. I understand the desire to "look to other fields" when you are married. Manogomy is a difficult thing, but that is the promise you made. Either live up to your vows or get the fuck out. We all have a brain with a rational capacity to overpower our base instincts. That is one of the things that makes us human. To DECIDED upon a course of action instead of ACT instinctively. To say that you can't control yourself or that you want to stop but can, is total bullshit. You either do or your don't. Be a man, live up to the promise you made her and stop cheating. That's all I got to say. Cut and dry. __________________ Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules — and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress. Kurt Vonnegut - Sirens of Titan

12-28-2005, 03:32 PM	#64 (permalink)
Batski Tilted Location: LOndon	maybe you arent ready to be married yet?

01-06-2006, 09:37 AM	#65 (permalink)
Guinevere Upright Location: in a lovely place	**The why* is all important. And sadly, that's something that's the hardest to figure out.*** From my own experience I say that people who cheat will continue to no matter the consequences or pain. We have issues that run so deep, no amount of self-awareness can change it. You can learn the reasons 'why' but to give up the salve that soothes the wound is nearly impossible. Last edited by Guinevere; 01-13-2006 at 01:23 PM..

01-06-2006, 10:39 AM	#66 (permalink)
Daoust "I'm sorry. What was the question?" Location: Paradise Regained	Interesting that you mention issues Guinevere. I sometimes find myself entertaining the thought of cheating, and I have to admit I've thought about it too much for my own good, and I've often wondered what is wrong with me, what is wrong in my head that I think/feel this way. I have even played out scenarios in my head where the wife and I go to a marriage counsellor and I spill my guts on why I think the marriage is having problems and I come up with all kinds of reasons like stress over financial situations, a sex life that was messed up from the very beginning etc. The truth is I don't know why I think about cheating so much. I am not messed up. I don't have a long history of psychological issues and stuff. I come from a very strong two parent family. I have never been abused. I have never suffered any psychological trauma. The best reason why I can think I consider cheating is the 'grass is always greener' philosophy. But I know it isn't. __________________ I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

01-06-2006, 11:13 AM	#67 (permalink)
Sultana Falling Angel Location: L.A. L.A. land	So Guinevere, if you don't mind me asking, what are your reasons for staying in your marriage? And what are your thoughts on love - love in your marriage (since you've already stated you don't want to invest yourself too much in your other relationships, I'm guessing you're not exactly looking for "love" there, yes)? Daoust - do you think it could be attractive to you because it is Forbidden? If, in a fantasy world, it wasn't forbidden to you, is it still attractive? I always thought that if one's needs were being met in one's current relationship, the urge to cheat simply wouldn't come up. Or perhaps, in reverse, the thought of cheating comes up if one is unhappy, unsatisfied? But now I think perhaps that's too one-dimensional. Probably there are as many different reasons "why" as there are individuals, and I don't know if it's possible to say, "It always boils down to this one thing...XXX", despite humans attempts to define, catalog, etc. __________________ "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening My goal? To fulfill my potential.

01-06-2006, 11:32 AM	#68 (permalink)
Guinevere Upright Location: in a lovely place	I doubt it has much to do with love or sex. Last edited by Guinevere; 01-13-2006 at 01:24 PM..

01-06-2006, 11:40 AM	#69 (permalink)
Guinevere Upright Location: in a lovely place	I new to this and could really use some tips on how to move around, track responses, etc. Can someone point me to an area that can help this new rookie user?

01-07-2006, 08:57 PM	#70 (permalink)
Esen TFPer formaly known as Chauncey Location: North East	Hey, I don't need to judge you or anything but a few things you may want to know about. In your current situation I would really be carefull about having kids. The reason why I say this is becasue It will throw a big wall between you and the decisions your need to make for yourself and your wife. You may be thinking to yourself I'm not having kids, well when you are in a marriage and things are not working out kids sometimes wind up happening, I'm not saying it always happens and such and of course I'm not saying not to ever have kids. but it is really hard to walk away from a relationship when you have kids and if you keep the relationship becasue of the kids well that can also be bad news. One other thing you should think of if you are going to cheat, is that many times when a woman or a man is in a marriage they think to themselves I am with someone I love and I am now safe to love and have sex with my partner the way It is meant to be, and condoms go out the window. You are with the one you trust. Well if your wife trusts you and is having sex with you and you are having sex with others she is not given the option to protect herslf from third party sex becasue well she trusts you that she is the only one who you are having sex with. You need to be carefull bud. My parents friend (an awesome woman) now has HIV becasue her ex husband contracted the disease from a third party. This is where all those vows things and all come in. Marriage is kind of a contract. and all that honor and cherish stuff really means that well you are opening yourself up to the other person to trust each other and know that you will keep each other safe. Personally to me love is when you can tell the other person anything where they can see the true garbage inside of you and not leave. It is something that really needs to grow in a couple. If you have that true and love you can be open with your wife of the torment that you are going through everyday and that is making you stray. Don't let it tear you up. That is one of the beautiful things about your wife. She is with you becasue well she can help you heal and you can help her. I mean you are life partners. Now I'm not saying what you are doing is wrong or not. It just sounds to me that since you wrote this post in some odd way you are screaming out for help. I mean shit you said you don't want to hurt her. And at the same time you don't want to hurt yourself. You have a woman here who is willing to grow with you, you may look at this as an incredible opportunity to evolve into something you may have never thought could happen. Or you may be with the worng person. if that is the case. Love her anyways and work with her tog o your own ways. but truly love her no matter what. Hate can sometimes creep in when we start to resent our situation. Don't let that happen don't let your relationship start to decay. Anyhow these are a few tips. don't know if they apply to you or not or if they would even help. just know that when you post on the TFP people are listening and actually care. Best of luck to you. __________________ ~Esen What is everyone doing in my room?

01-09-2006, 01:41 PM	#73 (permalink)
tenchi069 Lost Location: One step closer to the padded cell...	Cheating is not about you or your rights, wants, etc. Cheating is about the OTHER person, your wife, husband, or life-partner. Cheating is not about values ( I think marriage is sacred/not sacred ) Cheating is about you not caring about a person that has placed trust in you. Don't confuse "should I end this marriage" with "should I cheat." They are NOT the same. This is not a flame as it is not directed at you but a general observation of all cheaters. If you cheat, you are a lowlife coward with no respect for anyone else but yourself. If you want to sleep with someone that is not your spouse, tell them. If they are okay with it, then they will tell you, if they are not, then the two of you divorce. tenchi __________________ ERROR- PLBSAK Problem Lies Between Seat and Keyboard.

01-09-2006, 03:06 PM	#74 (permalink)
Guinevere Upright Location: in a lovely place	Do you really believe everything is so black and white--ie, 'tell or don't tell...' It simply is not. Last edited by Guinevere; 01-11-2006 at 06:48 AM..

01-09-2006, 05:45 PM	#75 (permalink)
Lyncher Tilted Location: Canada	get your wife intrested in SWINGING BABY YAH! ... but seriously try it. Maybe she might be intrested. otherwise keep your pecker in your pants. sorry no easy way to put that.

01-13-2006, 05:30 PM	#76 (permalink)
Cardenal Upright	I'm not exactly married... but I feel the same way. I find it hard to understand how people can remain eternally faithful especially when I put myself in that sort of scenario. Worse yet, the only thing that consoles me is that the general consensus is that true love will give you those opinions. Some metaphysical bond with a person exists will stop me from ever desiring to commit infidelity. I've just not experienced it. I don't agree with this. The obvious response to my disagreement is I've yet to experience it. Regardless, I consider "love" an emotion that comes and goes. I understand the commit of marriage is not just love, though. It sucks not being able to satisfy your sexual and emotional urges, immediate as they may be. I think this is common to anyone, just how much they can control themselves is what differs. __________________ I know nothing, but I'm pretty sure I dislike extremes. Hence, its more appropriate to say I know very little. I will doubt everything until I reach truth. Until then, nothing to me will be fact. If I challenge what you believe to be obvious, please understand I'm just helping the both of us learn.