Shizukana

Okay... bear with me here... but I come asking for opinions on what exactly this means.

The other night, I got simultaneous calls from my girlfriend's (of nearly 5 years) gay male friend and the bartender of the bar they went to, with whom I am also friends. The gay male friend, C, was drunk and asking me to come pick them up, and T, the bartender, was calling me to let me know that they needed to be picked up, because they wouldn't let them drive as inebriated as they were. I chose not to go with them to the bar because I had had a long several days at work and wanted to relax, and specifically didn't want to deal with them drinking/drunk.

At any rate, I go up there to pick them up and she's passed out on the patio, he's coming out of the restroom, and I hear from one of our other mutual friends at the bar that as they were drinking more and more, they started dancing (it was karaoke night) and grinding a bit or something, and she even said at one point, "See, he says he's gay, but he likes pussy. See?" and rubbed his hand over her (clothed) crotch. Keep in mind that while this was not witnessed first hand by ME, there is NO reason for me not to believe the person who told me this, who DID witness it.

Now, I am rather upset by multiple things. 1) The fact that they didn't leave themselves any designated driver or any other way to get home if they all got drunk; 2) the fact that, knowing said things, they chose to power-drink themselves into a stupor anyway, 3) that my girlfriend was soliciting an intimate act from a male other than myself, even though he is gay, 4) that she didn't remember, which leads me to wonder what else happens when they get drunk together that I don't know about, and 5) the fact that she power-drinks is limited but still recurring after she has said many times in the past that she was going to "slow down."

Now, a few opinion questions - Did she cheat on me? I am in the belief that technically, the answer is yes, and being drunk is no excuse for that, almost ever. Second, is this something I should seek to end the relationship over? I love her, but I'm really tired of feeling like her babysitter at times, having to monitor her because she doesn't think about things before she does them.

She says she's going to stop drinking, and wants help with that. She is sorry for what happened, and says nothing like that has ever happened before (with regards to the sexual aspect of it, however limited in nature.) Please know that I definately didn't mind coming to pick them up, as I'd much rather have picked them up than them driving and dying or getting seriously injured, but I'm still quite frustrated with the whole situation, you know?

I guess I'm not asking for advice, but more asking, "what would YOU do if you were given this situation?"

Thanks, everyone.

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Siege

Assuming I actually had a girlfriend, I wouldn't mind if she drinks. As long as she is able to set a line as to when she should stop and if she can control herself when she is at that line.

As you have said, your girlfriend likes to get pretty drunk and clearly, when she is in such state, she cannot control herself.

As to whether or not I would end a relationship over this. It really depends. First, I would probably discuss with her why I would want her to actually cut back on drinking (aside from health issues), actually help her and then see what happens. If she can't/won't cut back, and she cannot control herself when drunk, then chances are, I doubt I would want to keep going. I mean, if this is the case, she either has a serious problem with alcohol, or she isn't willing to compromise in a relationship.

As for cheating, it's a rather open ended question. I know guys that think it's cheating if their girlfriends kiss another guy and I know guys that don't get particularly upset until it's actual intercourse.

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Rlyss

It sounds to me more like they were just having fun while drunk. I've been drinking at bars and joking around with friends. My friend 'Jimmy' is straight but we'll joke about him being gay and liking 'the cock' and just general stupid guy shit that happens when you're drinking. I'd be very surprised to find an openly gay guy who comes to the realization that he's actually straight, or even bisexual. You'd think you'd only come out as gay if you're very sure of it.

If I was in that situation I'd be freaked out but that's only because I can get very jealous very easily. If I were you I'd ask her about it in a few days when she's back on her feet and see if she remembers it, or if there have been any other instances like that. If she can't remember it, mention what the other guy had said about what they were doing and saying and see what she has to say about it.

I don't think it'd be anything to break up about. Be more worried about the drinking than anything else. If she says she's cutting down on it and she doesn't or lies about it then that is just as big an issue as her potentially cheating.

Cynthetiq

be mad since it's well within the scope of dealing with this crap. I hated picking up my friends and was annoyed but less annoyed than having to go to a funeral or prison.

let it blow over and move on.

Keep calling me to bail you out.. then it's going to be a bit different over since I'm not your taxi service or chauffer. Gas, grass, or ass, nobody rides for free.

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maleficent

I'll give them credit for having the sense to call someone to come pick them up rather than getting into a car and driving and potentially killing someone else.

As for cheating? Gray area there, because he's gay, if he was straight, I might lean towards cheating... and being drunk does not excuse bad behavior (and I know this subject has been argued to death here, it's what I beleive)

The fact that you feel like her babysitter, kinds shows that you aren't getting a lot of of this relationship. A relationship shoudl be two people giving and taking, are you getting enough to make up for what she takes from you?

She also sounds like she's got a problem with alcohol. People who can't drink without always getting drunk are worrisome to me - and power drinking or the more common term binge drinking is a bigger problem

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Johnny Pyro

Cheating? Thats a tough one. He is gay, but he still touched her in a sexual way. They were also drunk. Get your girlfriend to go get some help for her drinking. I think thats the most important thing. She sounds out of control. I wouldn't worry about the gay friend right now, but I would watch him a little closer from now on. That would piss me off too.

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guthmund

I'd probably let the whole incident blow over. They were in a bar, which means a sexually charged atmosphere, and drinking, which lowers the inhibitions. Not that that excuses their transgressions, but I can kind of see where they're coming from.

I would have a pretty serious talk about her drinking since it seems to be a recurring problem. I would certainly heed Mal's advice about the whole baby sitting thing as well.

Just sit down and have a talk. I hope it all works out for you.

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JoseFlanders

Phew, man.

Shizukana

Thanks for the input, folks... I have opted to let it blow over a bit. She is thinking about not drinking at all anymore, or at least for a little bit, or maybe only on special occasions and what not. We talked, and she knows that I feel very strongly about it... my stepmom is an alcoholic and most of my family, including myself and my girlfriend, can't stand her... so she knows and has known that I have a very short fuse about people not being able to control their drinking. Hopefully, things will get themselves worked out, but if they don't, she knows that this isn't a relationship that I will continue.

mal - They didn't have the sense to call... which was another reason I was a little more pissed off. The bar actually wouldn't let them leave, her friend was going to drive home and only called me after our friends that work up there wouldn't let them go, and told them they were going to call me to pick them up. I totally agree that being drunk is no excuse for ANYTHING other than a fun time or a hangover, and her and I are both on the same page there.

As far as the question of whether or not I'm getting what I need out of this relationship - That's a good question, and another thing I had to think about when this situation came up. We've broken up twice over the course of the five or so years we've been together, and not being happy or feeling taken for granted has been the reason both times. I was definately in love with her, I'm not always sure if I am currently, but I do love her and care for her a lot, and sometimes I wonder if there's anyone else out there that could love me like she does. She gives, but you're right - I have to think about whether she takes more than she gives. Part of it is comfort too, as it's hard to think about leaving someone you've been with for so long. Any ideas there?

Jose - Nice catch! The name can mean quiet, calm, or tranquil, or a combination of the three.

Thanks!

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Sugarmouse

i know what you mean about thhe comfort thing.if you are not sure you feel the right way about her then that is what needs addressing n you need to ask yourself why?it seems this episode hasnt realy upset you alot just got you thhiking abit about everythign else?
as the guy is gay i feel it does make it different.id tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels about you..down to the simple things.if you feel she is taking more than giving you need to know why!but time passes quickly and the comfort zone just gets harder to leave, if you want to get out it is better sooner than later.good luck!jen

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little_tippler

your girlfriend sounds like she's an alcoholic on self-destruct mode, doing stupid things to harm herself, get your attention, ands destroy the good relationship she has with you. The problem with alcoholics is that they can't just keep drinking moderately, they have to stop completely. Sure there will be times when they fail, but they have to keep it in their minds that they should not be drinking, ever. As for cheating, I'd tell her to be honest and say whether there's anything going on with the gay friend (even if he is gay), and keep a very watchful eye on him from now on. If she fails to compromise and try to stop drinking, then it can be hopeless.

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Turbotom

The best thing to do in any situation is to just talk about it.
Don't let it fester, don't come to the forum, don't let it blow over if you're still thinking about it.
You want to be honest with one another. Tell her how it made you feel (even if it's month after the incident, if you're thinking about it, talk about it!) Ask her how she feels about it...try to understand one another. The most important thing in a relationship is trying to understand one another, and if that fail, just trust the other person--really basic stuff that people often forget.
(This is probably the same advice I'd give to anyone in any situation.)

genuinegirly

She needs to stop drinking. NOW.
why do people do this to themselves?
Needs to learn some sort of maturity when it comes to alcohol, or not use it at all. Such behavior is unacceptable and a disgrace to those who drink responsibly.

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AVoiceOfReason

How would she react if the situation were reversed--you were drunk in a bar pawing on one of your female friends? I know, she grabbed his hand and had HIM fondle her (over her clothes), but unless you have lesbian friends you could have grope you, my set-up is the closest I could come up with?

Equally important, how would you feel the next day if you'd have been the guilty one?

Sounds like she's feeling the guilt, as you would be, so she's emotionally where I'd think she should be; you're at the anger/hurt stage, as you'd think she'd be.

So far, it seems you're handling things just about right--showing some patience and not doing anything too rash until you've had time to think about it. I agree with Festered--I think this incident just highlighted some underlying issues you may have.

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maleficent

Familiarity is the worst reason to stay with someone, because in the long run, it can only lead to resentment and bitterness. Relationships (says the person who absolutely sucks at them, so take this with that proverbial grain of salt) are about give and take, a parnership, if they want to be successful. Five years down the road, would you still want things to be as they are?

I"m not saying that she cant change, but have you really been honest with her about how you feel, and what you may or may not be getting out of this relationship.

It's a lot easier to end a relationship before there is the need for child support, equitable division of assets and such.

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raeanna74

I wouldn't call what she did cheating but my definition of cheating is not nearly as severe as some people.

She DOES have a huge drinking problem. I don't enjoy the effects of alcohol much at all and find those who chronically binge drink repulsive. Personally that would be a deal breaker for me. No more relationship unless she's willing to admit she's got a drinking problem and takes steps to get rid of it. If she does not do that within about 2 weeks I'd be out of there. I'm not your enabler.

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