Vindicated0411

Ok, straight to the point. I am 19 years old and about to start college in the fall. I met my first "real boyfriend" my sophmore summer of high school. We dated for a little over a year. A great deal happened between us and I fell absolutely head over heels for him. I think that I truely loved him. I gave my virginity to him and gave him my heart. I literally gave him everything that I had to give in a relationship. Our relationships had its ups and downs, partly because I had not been in a real relationship. He was older than I and more experienced in many ways about relationships. He was also away at college which made it difficult and put a strain on myself to maintain a relationship with him. But we both did it for a year and it was great. Towards the last two months of our relationship, things fell apart and he took interest in a roommate's younger sister while at school. I was helpless and could do nothing. He came home less and less till finally I met him halfway between our hometown and his college, where he broke up with me and left me wanting to die in a parking lot. I was angry, bitter, sad, and hurt. After we broke up I fell on one of his friends for a crying shoulder. He was sympathetic and compassionate. He felt sorry for me that my boyfriend had broken up with me and also angry because he knew I was seriously hurt. I tried to get back with my old boyfriend but things simply did not work. Over time his friend and I grew and eventually I started falling for him, as he did for me. We started dating and are still currently dating. We have been together for going on a year now. But what I am posting about is that fact that I still think about my ex-boyfriend. To be honest I think about him at least once a day, if not more. I have tried to forget about him and I also don't think it is fair to my current boyfriend. My boyfriend now knows it was hard for me to get over my ex but what he doesn't know is that to this day I still think about my ex. I threw everything out he gave me, my ex that is. I threw everything away. I want to get over him and move on. I even met him one night to talk to him and tell him how I felt, that night was disasterous. But when I met him, I know we could never date again because we have both changed. I am in love with someone that no longer exists, or I am in love with the past. What I want to know is what I am feeling and thinking, is it normal? Or what can I do to get over him? School starts in a few weeks and all three of us are going to be there together. I don't know how well I will handle seeing my ex. Please give me any advice, opinion, or thoughts on what you have read and what you think.

tiltedbc

I went through the same thing with a girl who I didn't even have a real relationship with; the thinking about her everyday thing. I think it's a form of psychosis where you're still attached to a dream of "what may have been" or this is filling an emotional hole in your life.

My best advice is that it fades with time (about a year for me) but you really do have to work at it. This is a form of self-torture that you control, if that makes sense. Admit that it's a problem and this isn't good for you, then keep cutting him out of your life (and mind) until it's not something you need to do anymore.

I'd suggest you not talk to anyone about this (other than professional help of course). Not only does it get very boring for other people but a "sympathic ear" will actually keep old wounds fresh. One of my tricks was to write letters to myself and then burn them. I got my feelings out and then disposed of them sort of, without anyone getting hurt or (more important) getting myself embarrassed all over again.

*sidenote - I'm sure glad it never worked out with that girl. She was a total mess!

Vindicated0411

Thanks for your reply. It is greatly appreciated. As of right now over 30 people have viewed this thread. Please, please, please post a reply. I really need help. This is a matter I can't talk to my boyfriend about and I can't talk to my friends about. All my friends love my current boyfriend and thinks that we are great together. I can't talk to them about the emotions I am having for my ex. If you read this thread please post a reply. I am leaning on the members of tilted forum for help in what has been a year long battle. I am only 19 and I know there are people in this forum who can help and offer their advice and experiences.

eMOTIONal20

I started a relationship with someone right after a two year relationship with someone else. It wasn't easy, because I still thought about my ex every day. You should try to figure out why you think about your ex. I honestly still think about my ex every day, and it scared me at first because I didn't know why. I realized that thinking about him did not mean I was still in love with him. I do not miss him, I would never get back together with him, and there are no feelings of hurt when these thoughts come about. Does it still hurt you that you and your ex broke up? Do you miss him? Do you hope that someday you both we be together again? These are questions you might want to answer. They could help in figuring out the reason why you still think about your ex.

I think that when we break up with people we've been really close to and with for a long period of time, it is normal to still think about them, unless of course, you do still have feelings for him. I think you should figure that out first.

Let me know how this goes... I'd like to try and be of more help if you give me more information on how you really feel about your ex.

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"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi

Siege

Hmm. I guess I can give my experience. When my first serious gf and I broke up, I didn't get affected by this too much and I got over her really fast.

Interestingly enough, this wasn't the case with a girl I went out with for a very short period of time. When we broke up, I was a wreck. I couldn't function at all for at least a week, I was depressed for a few months, and I was pissed off everytime I saw her with her new bf. Eventually, she broke up with him, and the girl and I met up at a friend's party. We both got kind of drunk, and she ended up at my place (nothing sexual happened unless you count some kisses). Now we're just friends.

In your case, I highly suggest just cutting off all contact with your ex. The more you have contact with him, the more you will think about "the good old days". Some people can't "just be friends" with their exs.

This is starting to get long and boring. If you want to help yourself forget about your ex, keep yourself busy as hell. Between school, sports, and the tiny social life I have, I don't have much time to think about my exs. Take up some activities, do something you've always wanted to do

*Edit after seeing above post
I agree with the above poster. Sit down and be honest with yourself. Why do you still think about your ex? Is it because you want to get back together? Or is it just random thoughts? I still think about all my exs, but none of them are thoughts of getting back together, so I think i'm ok

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Squishor

I have dealt with something like this a couple of times. I had a thing for this guy I thought would never go away, even though he was kind of crazy and unreliable, there was something really unique about him. I still feel a little sad when I think of him, but honestly I don't need someone that crazy having control over my emotions - he didn't treat them carefully enough, which is how he broke my heart the first time. Maybe it was the suddenness of it, since I never had a chance to close it out properly. Maybe that's part of why you feel the way you do? Unfortunately we don't always get to choose our scripts for these situations, and we can't impose our terms on someone else because they simply don't cooperate.

It sounds like you're seeing the truth when you say you're in love with someone who doesn't even exist anymore. I think maybe there was something he stood for to you, whether it was a dream or an idea or a feeling, that you want back. The thing is, it's not him - you said so yourself. Not anymore, anyway. So you can make a deliberate choice to stay out of obsessive fantasy land and let time do its work. With time, your feelings will fade and be replaced by healthier ones, hopefully anyway.

tiltedbc

The sad fact is that there's not much anyone can do or say that can change your subconscious mind, which is where all of this is happening. Your logical mind is saying "move on" but your subconscious mind is still holding out hope for your original dreams to come true. It's a battle you're having with yourself.

Like a drug addiction, you need to work at getting over this guy. If you want to try something different there's a NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) trick called anchoring that can train your subconscious. Put a rubber band on your wrist so that you can pull on it and let it snap back giving a small sting on your skin. This is the trigger. At the same time say a message such as;
"He is the source of my pain, not my happiness."

ONLY snap the band when he comes to mind and you must do this over time and each time your mind wanders in that direction or when you have contact with him. Just as you learned to love him, you've now got to learn how to let the dream of him go.

I know this sounds bizarre, but it really does work and not just for getting over someone. I use it to remind myself of a very strong moment in my life so that I can draw on that when I'm feeling down or in an awkward position. It doesn't have to be a rubber band either. I do it with a watch and right in front of people without them even knowing it.

And yes, I can understand how you feel being around people that think you've got it made while your own opinion is the opposite. I went through that before and still do on occasion. That's when I need to snap myself back to reality and realize how good I've got it and how much is available to me if I just have to reach out and accept it.

ontheroad

ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

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monkeysugar

I went through something very similar with my first "real" relationship. She was the world to me, and even a year later, while dating other people, I would still think about her because we remained in contact with each other. Sometimes the contact went well, other times it was disastrous. We eventually went without speaking for almost a year, and now we are casual acquaintances. At the time, I was devastated, but now I'm with the girl of my dreams and am glad that my past relationships didn't work out. I've learned a few things in my somewhat limited relationship experiences that have helped me work things out over the last few years.

1. There is a huge difference between being in love with someone and being in love with how they made you feel. After about a year of pining away and thinking about my ex constantly, I realized that I wasn't still in love with her, I just missed the good times we had and how those good times made me feel. Focusing on those feelings can make you feel good temporarily, but it can also hinder your ability to fully enjoy making new experiences and memories with other people.

2. On feelings and looking back at past relationships, I all too often look at past relationships in a onesided manner. Either I look back and think: "man, that was great"
or I think: "What was I thinking, they were horrible to me." Looking at the big picture of a past relationships is important. There are things that happen in every relationship that are "good" and "bad." Focusing merely on one or the other of these facets does not allow you to evaluate what happened, and usually leads to prolonged dwelling on how good you felt or how bad you felt.

3. Regardless of the outcome, you can learn something from every relationship (or interaction with another person for that matter). What you choose to do with this knowledge is completely up to you.

4. Time does heal all things. It won't happen overnight, it may not happen by the end of the week, or the end of the month, but eventually if this person is not meant to be a part of your life you will find yourself thinking about them less and less, and missing them less and less. Eventually they will become fleeting thoughts with little or no emotional attatchment.

5. (since all good lists should have five points) If they've left you out of interest for someone else, that's their choice. There's nothing that can be done about it, and it's not because of anything you did or didn't do. It's just their shit. If they ran out on you, they're not worth thinking about, not the other way around.

Good luck figuring everything out. Sorry if I've rambled on, I'm in the middle of a long distance relationship (several continents apart long distance), miss her terribly, and have been doing a lot of thinking about a lot of different things lately, including all of this stuff. Welcome to the TFP, you'll be hard pressed to find a community full of amazing, supportive, and knowledgeable folks anywhere.

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I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

chickentribs

When recounting the past, we tend to focus on the good and block out the bad. This is especially true of relationships. He was your first love, and you learned to value yourself as a romantic partner based on his value of you.

You are infatuated with a ghost of what was, and you want to prove your value by regaining his love after a cruel lack of care for your affection. Make a list of what is important to you in a loving relationship, and then consider how your current boyfriend shows his love for you, and how you measure up in showing your love for him.

Accept that your first relationship is history (as it should be) and your value comes from a loving, supportive partner who thinks you are worth being loyal to.

__________________
Oft expectation fails...
and most oft there Where most it promises
- Shakespeare, W.

Vindicated0411

Here is an update and to give more information on what has happened. As I had said my ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend were friends. Their relationship fell apart because of me. But now that some time has passed they are trying to patch things up. Last night I ended up getting off work early and went over to my boyfriends house to see him for a few. Well my ex-boyfriend showed up early. Apparently they were going to a late night movie together since I was suppose to be working. I didn't say anything to my ex-boyfriend, I totally ignored him. Shortly after his arrival, I left and went home. My boyfriend and I have gotten into fights, I have told him I am uncomfortable and I don't like him being around my ex-boyfriend. He has tried to respect me and honor what I wish and my emotions. But he told to sacrifice my ex-boyfriend for a friend was a big deal and that they were really good friends; and that he hopes they will be again one day. I haven't spoken to my boyfriend since last night and of course it really hit me hard seeing my ex-boyfriend. I have made it several monthes now without seeing him, but I hear about him from my current boyfriend. But when I saw him it hurt, there was this rush of emotions. I was really confused after seeing him and still am. This is completely unfair to my boyfriend too. He didn't mean for us to see each other last night. He knows I don't like seeing or talking about my ex-boyfriend. I really care about my boyfriend, he is great and I could not ask God to send a better person to care for me. But I am honestly to the point I am really beginning to think about breaking up with him, it's not fair to him to be with him when I haven't gotten my troubles sorted out from a past relationship. Well here is the update, if you guys could post a reply and your thoughts, it would be greatly appreciated.

analog

Simply put, first loves are harder to get over. He had your heart, you shared yourself for the first time with him, you built all the memories of any good relationship you've ever had with him.

I hope that you really love the guy you're with now, and haven't just stayed with him because he helped you get over your ex. When you finally do get over your ex, and you will eventually, you will be forced to take stock. Make sure you're with your current boyfriend because he's who you want, not just a shoulder to cry on... that's not a good relationship for anyone, most especially a person who is vulnerable. It's also sometimes referred to as a "rebound"- I'm sure you've heard that term before.

I still think about my first real love, and we've been broken up for over 3 years now. Granted- we also went out for over 3 years. They stay in your mind because they still feel like home... even if your heart has a new home already. You'll find your way eventually. You may also want to consider that your current boyfriend, at least on some subconcious level, reminds you of your past relationship because he was the one to dig you out of the mental muck and mire you were in. You may want to think about whether staying with him is exactly what's helping perpetuate your unshakable feelings. I hate breaking up a good thing, but you may just be clinging to the one who saved you. It happens, don't feel bad. Just do some thinking and see how your heart feels on what you think about.

EDIT/NOTE: Your last post, just above mine, wasn't there when I wrote the above. Bearing that in mind, I think you're already heading in the right direction- I think you're in a very unhealthy and self-perpetuating problem with this setup. There are plenty of other good guys to take care of you. You may have to walk away from this situation. It's only going to keep hurting you.

maleficent

Some incedibly disjointed thoughts

It's hard moving on from that first love... the first love is what can shape every relationship we have in the future... It's perfectly OK to remember the good times and to remember him fondly... You shared a lot with him, there's a lot of memories there, you don't have to throw all that away. We never really forget our first loves, and it's fine to think about them from time to time.... as long as it doesn't cripple you and that's all you think about.

You are telling yourself all the right things... that you realize that the person that you were once in love with is no longer there... You're in love with the fantasy. Reality can be a lot better. .

What will be the worst thing that will happen when you see your ex-boyfriend again? You realize that you are different person and don't want him anymore - right? Are you just telling yourself that or do you beleive it? You don't love the person that he is now... Right? Or are you just telling yourself that too... You need to have some conviction with those words... What is the absolute worst thing that will happen?

Take a deep breath and ask yourself that.... try to imagine the worst scenario? What happened? Did Freddie and Jason come at you with chainsaws and such? Did the roof cave in? If the worst thing to happen is that your heart skips a beat and maybe you want to cry... well - that's OK - crying is good for you...

Keeping someone out of your line of sight, doesn't make it easier to move on from them. Sometimes, it's better to face the fear, and realize that the fear is not as bad as you could ever imagine... Seeing him again, saying hello to him, will not reduce you to a giant puddle on the floor.

Now your current boyfriend and your ex-boyfriend are friends. That's a sticky situation, but it's up to them to deal with... Hopefully they aren't the kiss and tell types (but that's just me). I don't think it's completely reasonable for you to ask him not to see his friend, I don't think it's unreasonable for that to not happen in your presence... IF - and the big IF there is if it's because you cannot get along with him.

To keep the ex away from you right now is you avoiding him... Avoiding him doesn't help you move on. I really think you need to face him... Say hello... Face your emotions.. then decide what you want to do

On to the current boyfriend... He was in the right place at the right time... and did a lot of picking up the pieces... What are your feelings for him... If he came along not being that strong shoulder to cry on... would you still want him in your life... He sounds like a great guy -- but great guys (I'm sorry all you great guys out there) doesn't always equate to the great boyfriend for you... Are you with him because you don't want to be alone... or because he adds something to your life... and he makes you happy. I wouldnt want him to be rebound guy - -being the rebound is a sucky position to be in - I've been there...

If you like him and care about his feelings, and want him in your life - not because he takes care of you... but because you are good for each other and each of you add something to each other's life... then don't end it... the fact that you still have some issues about the ex --well - that's normal behavior... don't let it consume you though... When the thoughts of the ex come into your head -- replace it with a thought of the current boyfriend...

Sometimes we want what we can't have... and what's not good for us... Only you know that for sure...

There's an old assignment that people are told to do when someone hurts them -- that is write them a letter (and don't mail it of course ) Write the ex a letter -- Let it all hang out - don't hold back anything -- anything he ever did to hurt you - -the way he treated you -- the way he left you in a parking lot... all of it - -Scream yell whatever you have to -- get it out of your system... Put it in an envelope and seal it -- then destory it...

Now write a letter to your current boyfriend -- figure out how he makes you feel - the good and the bad -- this letter won't be shared with anyone - so really let it all hang out too- kind of free association wriitng -- don't worry about grammar or spelling - just let the words come... once you've done that... you might just have your decision

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kramus

Maleficent has excellent points for you to think about. I am sure that you would clear away a lot of issues by clearing up the incomplete things that were left for you at the end of BF1. The faltering relationship broken off in a parking lot has left a broken mess. When you get clear within yourself about just what went on - this is different from what you tell yourself that went on - you will create a place in yourself that will allow you to accept what happened and to forgive it.

The key is accepting what really happened stripped free of your interpretations and your dreams etc. This happened. It is now past. You also will be doing the same with your BF2. What has really happened vs. all the inner dialogue you have about your interpretations and wants and hopes and dreams. Just do your best to get absolutely clear on these things. Understand BF1 & BF2 are rebuilding an important thing that was messy and broken between them.

When you know what went on with your two gentlemen, and when you know what is going on between them right now, you will have a clearer idea of where you want to be standing in the creation of what is next.

One suggestion - when you find your mind running over the nasty and downward spiraling thoughts of the past - when you feel like the good stuff is trapped by this negative past history - be aware that you are not living in your present and you are not creating a better possibility of your future. You are just locking yourself in unwinnable and unchangeable thoughts of what was. The words may want to keep running on in your head but be aware they are just your old stories and such. Let them go and get your past in the past.

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tiltedbc

Personally... in your situation I'd bail out of this relationship and just be single for the summer. Get a job and earn money for school and focus on that. Your rebound boyfriend will always be a reminder of your Ex and you need to move on. There's always the chance you could get back together if there really is something there.

If you're going away to school in the fall, maybe now would be a good time to learn how to meet new people and develop your own social life.

Is all of this normal? YES. I think most people go through this a few times in their lives and it certainly doesn't stop when you're 19. It's all part of growing up and becoming your own person.