Would you call this cheating...
 

This is a bit weird, as I don't regret the situation at all, but want to know how to explain it to my GF (or if I even should...*sigh*)

For the past few weekas a good friend of mine has been having trouble with her boyfriend (they have been seeing each other for somewhere around 2 years). She finally called it quits the other night. I spent the day with her the next day, as she was pretty depressed. Her and I have a great friend relationship, and we can talk about almost anything. Later in the evening, we got into a conversation about sex and why she morally wants to save herself, etc. She mentioned that fooling around had gotten pretty bland between her and her BF.

I mentioned some of the kinky stuff that my GF and I take part in, and she said she had a real curiosity for bondage, particularly being tied down. Fast forward 20 minutes and she is tied down to my bed with caution tape, chains, handcuffs, etc. She is wearing a nightgown, and it never ever comes off. Basically, I end up doing a lot of touching (nothing blatently sexual, but massaging her legs, her neck, stomach...the kind of almost-foreplay-but-not-quite type things). Eventually she says that she is getting tired, and that I'm obviously not very good at this.

I'll admit..its difficult when I'm not turned on, and cant really explore anything...so I tell her I'm going to take it up a notch, though she can stop it any time she wants..she agrees. Though the conversation right after that basically is:
her: what would (your gf) say about this?
me: what would (your ex-who she still is kinda all about) say?
her: he would be pissed.
me: Good.

I end up on top of her. She has a kind of power issue, and I basically started doing the whole "you realize you have no control..." type thing. Eventually she kinda freaked and started to struggle, so I pressed myself against her and held her down; pretty much just restraining her...though the sexual tension was obviously there. She continued to struggle, but eventually gave up through my convincing that she was getting no-where, that I was in control, etc. We got pretty close, and then she just kind-of stared into my eyes.

After a few seconds, she got this kind-of scared look. I told her that I know what she was afraid of, and I leaned forward as if to kiss her, but pulled back at the last second. She obviously wasn't scared, because the second time I was teasing her, she thrust her head up (bad Idea considering there was a chain around her neck..but she didn't seem to mind).

She seemed dejected a bit, and struggled some more, though she was tired, and her limited movement was already hampered by the restraints, so she didn't do much. Eventually she conceded, though we agreed we should stop.

I untied her, and she said she really enjoyed it, and wouldn't mind doing it again.

My problem. I really don't know if I should tell my GF about this. Or how I can explain it without it sounding like I was cheating on her. Because obviously she will start to jump to conclusions and it will become a lot worse in her mind...I just dont know... We didn't do anything sexual, it was just...fun.

Though what scares me is it was more fun than any sex I have ever had with my current gf. It was exhilerating, partially because it was stepping over a few of the limits that we had put into place, and was...I think, eye-opening for her. I was left with a euphoric feeling that had nothing to do with wanting sex, but was...I dont know...

That part I know I shouldnt tell her.

Not sexual???? WHAT???

Yes. You cheated. And I can totally imagine the shattered look on your girl's face as you try to justify tying down and groping another girl.

Ok, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh. You should tell your girlfriend, though. And if you're not happy with her, leave her.

As many people on TFP have said... anything that you feel like hiding from your significant other is a form of cheating. So you'd better damn tell your gf ASAP.

I admire your restraint though I believe your should have even put yourself in that situation. The girl was obviously looking for some physical contact so she could rebound from her bf. You seem to be developing a slight grass is greener on the other side complex.

If you tell you girl no matter what you say she will be pissed. Have you done this to test her?

what abaya said....

I can't believe you have to ask for clarification.

:rolleyes:

This is sad.

Some relationships survive or even thrive with outside partners. What are your mutual boundaries? It doesn't sound as if you two have dealt with the topic yet. If so, not good. The fact you know your gf wouldn't be happy about what you did means you're in a jam. Still, ask yourself what's left of your relationship without trust.

For me, cheating implies "outside intimacy without agreement". That's just a physical form of lying, and lying is a very secure nail in the coffin of any relationship. Often the hardest thing to recover from. You have a very small amount of wiggle room here since you didn't actually screw the girl, but I'd use it to recover and communicate instead of trying to bury a skeleton. She might surprise you and you'll expand your activities. You'll at least come out with the lesson and your self-respect.

If you're trying to figure out a way to explain it without it looking like cheating, then it is cheating.


If you care about your girlfriend and respect her in the least you'll tell her. She deserves to know and decide whether or not she wants to be with you. You're conflicted about telling her because you're conflicted about her reaction. All of this you should've thought of before you tied your friend to the bed.

Ugh.

Also ugh. Any situation where there is creation (not just release) of sexual tension can lead very far, very fast.

If there's ever a next time, point her to the nearest bookstore.

if you feel you should hide it . . . it's cheating.

open and honest . . . open and honest . . . open and honest . . . without those two things, you can never have a solid relationship.

it's up to you what kind of relationship you wish to have.

Sweetpea

Yes it's cheating.

Good God, don't ever tell her. Just don't do it again if you value the relationship.

The last two paragraphs of your OP sum everything up, and that's the stuff you ought to communicate and be honest about.

Forgive my cynicism, but did you come here looking for advice or to boast in some way?

Here's the bottom line, as I read it - if she would have said yes, and gone further, you would have too. Make no mistake - you were cheating, and it's not a question of asking for the definition of the word "is", or "it" or wth Pres. Bill said. Here's the question to truly know - if the situation were reversed, what would you say? Did your g/f cheat? Sure as shit. Now the real question - do you stand up, and tell your g/f she's not all you want, or do you hide this? Be honest w/yourself - there has to be something lacking, or you wouldn't have taken advantage of someone in a bad situation.

would you mind if your SO was up to the same tricks? if you walked in on your SO being tied down to a bed, would you assume that what was transpiring was a violation of the trust of the relationship?

fess up, and move on if you have to...but that was most definitely cheating.

*sigh* now I feel like crap. And rightfully so, it seems. I guess the most obvious answer was:


My only hope is that all the talk we have of wanting an open relationship is actually valid...I know I wont do it again. I'm going to go to bed or something till she gets here. *sigh* I fucked this one up.

ok so u screwed up..big deal..just know what u did was wrong, admit it to yourself and move forward..but what she doesnt know wont hurt her.. so i dont think she has to know..it would make this a lot more difficult

i think u need to talk to ure best friend and tell her that what u guys did was wrong also, and that u are remorseful and ensure that it doesnt happen again. maybe set some guidelines and boundaries for yourself when your with ure best friend

well, I hate to be the guy that everyone else is going to rake over the coals for this one.. but I'm going tell you what I think anyways!

I wouldn't tell your lady what happened, she is just going to be really hurt and lose all faith in men. (maybe not a bad thing, but don’t ruin it for the rest of us) anyways, you have cheated. oh well, you had the choice at the time and went with what felt good to you (and apparently her). I would end the relationship since you obviously don't feel as strongly for this girl as you might have thought (I only say this because of what happened with this other girl) and find someone that you truly love and wouldn't even consider embarking on such a frisky endeavor again unless she’s involved. Or else you could do what everyone else says and tell your lady the truth and hope things work out. (yeah, that'll happen) And who knows. Maybe the girl that you tied up really enjoyed it and you said yourself, you really liked the whole experience as well. maybe that will lead to a whole new relationship that you enjoy much more than your current one.

Hope this point of view doesn't offend to many people, but what's the fun of a community forum if you aren't going to enjoy all the colorful posts of its members. Have a great weekend, AND FOR HEAVENS SAKE! DON'T TELL YOUR LADY! :D

Okay, maybe I'm the only one here who's willing to be honest about dishonesty...but are you kidding me?

Personally, there's no way in HELL I'd want to know about my girlfriend doing something like this. Perhaps I prefer to live in dilusional happy-land, but what I don't know can't hurt me that much.

Maybe you were cheating, maybe you weren't - it depends on the confines of the relationship. I've been with girls that got pissed if I so much as looked at another female (those relationships didn't last long). The girl that I was happiest with was one in which we had a very open relationship. As described above wasn't "cheating", inasmuch as the conductor was not in (romantic) love with the conductee. More than that, I personally wouldn't want to know about (or would actually be turned-on by) the actions that occurred.

My rule has always been that, as long as you're only thinking about me when you're with me, that's good enough.




Unless I marry you.

I'm going to say a little something if you choose not to tell her.

She WILL find out.

Someone always says something, it gets passed along, etc, etc. When my now ex boyfriend cheated on me the first time I forgave him because he came clean about it to me. When I found out about more cheating happening later from a friend of his I was pissed off. We had broken up 2 months prior to me learning of this and it made me feel worse. I've had 3 boyfriends cheat on me, 2 told me straight up, 1 I found out later and then the situation I just mentioned. It hurt me more hearing it from a second source then hearing it straight from the guy. At least I knew these guys still had a little bit of respect for me in that they were willing to be honest and ask for forgiveness, even though, they didn't necessarily get it.


**Sorry to rant like this cheating just bugs the crap outta me**

Methinks this is a question for the sake of bragging. Please come here seeking ADVICE.

Pretty much anything that's ever been kept from me in a relationship has come spilling out and some point, be it recently after it happened or years later.

Not being told by the perpetrator of the hurt justs adds to the pain --- you not only know that you were messed around, but you knew that other people knew (even if it's only the people directly involved, but honestly, it's usually way more than that --- usually people you saw day after day) and that's embarassing on top of everything else.

So, don't make an ass out of her. Tell her.

Because not telling is, despite how anyone else wants to justify it, the most convenient for YOU. And that isn't fair.

yes it is. you said you wanted to kiss her so that is cheat. and what you were doing to her at the time does not help

That part of your situation seemed to jump out at me. Saying that it was more fun than being with your current gf is only going to make matters worse. For that comment alone I would definitely consider this a form a cheating. The only way to make things better is to tell your gf what happened. I can't say that things will all be great, but you'll feel a lot better after telling her.

I can say that if my bf told me this, I would not be very understanding. Your gf may be a little more understanding than me though. So all I can say is good luck.

Honesty is the best policy, unless it fucks up your relationship and your life.

I don't know what kind of girl your GF is, but telling her may cost you a gf, or she may be very hurt. Are you doing it to be honest with her or to make you feel less guilty? If its for your benifit, don't do it, you haven't earned it and she hasn't earned the pain.

It may be better to let this slide as a stupid act on your part, and continue on.

The time to find out whether or not the open relationship talk was valid is BEFORE you actually spend time with another woman. Not after the fact. You clearly think you did something wrong, so you were obviously not in an open relationship... Don't even try that as an excuse.

:hmm:

That is so cheating, and so lame.

I have to add my tick to the "cheating" column.

Fess up.

It will hurt, but at least you have a little dignity.

For those advocating not telling, and I'm not condeming you for that stance... I have one question... If Locke wanted a permanent relationship with this woman (and he probably doesnt otherwise he wouldn't have strayed) isn't not telling a lie of omission. Isn't she entitled to know the truth, even if it does hurt, then it's up to her as to what to do with that truth?

He made a decision that does affect her in a way, only he's not allowing her to have any kind of say in that decision.

If my SO did that I would kick his ass out in a heartbeat.

hehe.. i see what you did as cheating so much that if she doesnt break up with you, then she's crazy.

you need to tell her right now. . . before someone else tells her(like your chick friend)...

Wait, I'm confused. He was just showing a good friend an example of more "kinky" things. There was no sex involved? What's the problem?

If he was showing one of his male buddies would this be a problem?
Does it make a difference if he liked it or not?

I think you guys are jumping to "cheating" a bit too quickly here. This is a good friend of his. Don't get me wrong, he should definatly tell his SO what happened. But at the same time I don't see this as "cheating" in the sense as what you guys are making it out to be.

Come off it.

Sex doesn't just have to be sticking your dick in someone, or letting them stick it in you. Sex is about intimacy.

A line of intimacy was crossed here, in my view, and that is a definite betrayal of the one the OP calls his girlfriend. Personally, I don't think he should have even got into the territory of discussing sex with her, but whatever. I would have closed the discussion down round about the point that she mentioned the sex with her ex-bf had got quite bland. That's none of my business. It looks to me like the OP seized an opportunity right there to open her up.

Perhaps sitting down and looking at some websites or books about bondage, etc, that provide a jumping-off point for her own exploration of these things could be described as 'showing a good friend an example of more "kinky" things'. Tying her up in her nightgown and massaging her body is not an example of that. That is quite blatantly sexualised behaviour, and if you're in a monogamous relationship, convention states that such a relationship is where such behaviour should stay.

You cheated, and in my book, cheating sucks.

When in doubt, it's probably cheating.

Except in this case... where I would say that it's not only cheating, but you come off as being fairly proud of it as well.

Geez. A man has a little session including dominance, tying a girl down, massaging her whole body, rubbing her, lying on top of her in basically her underwear, and you guys get ALL OVER him. If that's cheating, then I'm a cheater ten times over... Aren't we all being a little judgmental?

/remove tongue from cheek

then he should have no problem going and telling his g/f ALL about it, and he wouldnt have had to ask US if it was considered cheating.

oh and just so my vote is counted, yes its cheating.....if you have to figure out whether or not you should hide it from your S/O its cheating plain and simple, it doesnt matter if intercourse itself didnt take place, And yes, if he'd tied up one of his male buddies in only his underwear and massaged him and admitted it turned him on more than being with his g/f it would still be considered cheating....gender makes no difference when it comes to hiding things from the person you call your g/f

Can I ask one really simple question... How'd she end up in her nightgown while you were still there?

and what did she mean by "morally wanting to save herself"? So why would she allow you, not her boyfriend, who has a girlfriend to tie her up and massage her? That's not making a lot of sense to me...

If you have feelings for a person and you're in that situation.. then yes. It is cheating.

It depends on the GF. Would being able to tell be best? Yes. But what if she is the non-forgiving type? Is it better to tell and have her leave?

Perhaps worse is what if she would forgive you but be very hurt. You know the crying, self doubt kinda thing. Does she DESERVE this pain because you were a dumbass?

I have never had this kind of thing come up in any of my relationships, but IF it was an honest laspe of judgement and the OP is truely upset with him self and won't do it again, what benifit is there is in telling his gf?

The truth can hurt more than a lie, and she didn't earn the pain.

ok i got a question...

1) yeah..how did she end up in her nightgown?
2) if she needed a massage or was tense, why didnt she go to a masseur?
3) did u get a hard on when u were tying her up and massaging her and feeling her up?

if u did get a woody, then yeah its cheating...so what, doesnt necesarily mean u tell her...

have a deep think about which girl u really wnat to be with.. cos u obviuosly would have banged your friend up if the opportunity came about..



so..... be true to yourself first.

Of course it was cheating. That's why it was so exhilarating--because you knew it was something you weren't supposed to be doing.

And if you tell your GF, you're nuts.

Don't get me wrong--a lot of people here think your post was more bragging than asking for advice. I didn't interpret it that way.

So IF my interpretation is correct, and you're feeling guilty, that's good. If you're never going to do it again, even better. People who develop a habit of doing crap like this, and hiding it from their SO, are scum.

But if you want to be with your GF long-term, and you don't want to have it thrown in your face in every argument for the next twenty years (at which point she may have forgiven, but she won't EVER forget), you'll keep your mouth shut. Especially to your friends.

If you ever think you want to do it again with anyone else, do all concerned a favor and break up with your GF. Even then, I don't think it's an absolute necessity to tell your GF, because there's a good chance she'll interpret it in terms of there being something wrong with her.

From what I've seen, I've just disagreed with every female who posted in this thread, but I've seen the results of both versions with my friends, and I have yet to see a guy who was glad he told.

Like I said, that's a twenty-year sentence.

I just re-read your post, and I may have to change my opinion.

It didn't sound like you felt guilty enough. If you did, I'd stand by what I said.

this is just a sad story...sorry it happened

Wow.....

Not only did you cheat, but it's almost worse than if the two of you had had sex.....it was more sensual and erotic than just a random fuck, and if you were my bf, you'd be gone.

And women are wondering why some of us are telling him NOT to tell his gf :p

I think the TFP women want him to tell so he will be punished.

you say punishment like it's a bad thing... :lol:

He basically said it in his first post:
Maybe his girlfriend isn't the right one for him... Is he keeping her around for convenience...

Not telling her it's a lie of ommission. If (NOTICE THE WORD IF) he knew what was doing was wrong, and would hurt his girlfriend, but went ahead and did it anyhow... The girlfrien deserves to know that -- she needs to know what kind of person he is - and it has to be her choice how she acts.

I have very little patience with people who cheat... (and have friends who have gotten themself into that mess... I can support the friend but never the act, and if they get dumped in the process... well... too damn bad...) The truth needs to come out and needs to be told -- even if it hurts -- it will hurt a lot more in the long run.

Personally I HATE the "once he cheated he's gone" feelings. That's complete ridiculousness. If you loved a person (as much as many of you girls/guys claim), then why would one slight indiscretion turn you against them? Would you leave your mate if s/he lost all of your savings on a night of gambling? What if he was speeding and wrecked the car (and came out okay)? How about if, instead of keeping that priceless topper to your wedding cake, he and his buddies split it up? Are these instances worth leaving him for?

It's absolutely crazy to assume that one person will be totally and completely connected to you, 100% of the time, forever and ever. Most likely, there will be waxes and wanes in the romantic connection between you and your mate (ladies, don't pretend you've never thought about doing something with a friend or co-worker). And in this lies part of the reason why there's practically a 60% divorce rate in the United States - there's too high of expectations of human perfection.

Okay, maybe our thread starter "cheated" by common definition. Maybe he was attracted to said friend, maybe he wasn't. Hell, maybe he enjoyed screwing around with her more than his current girlfriend. So what? He did not go out and do these actions to expressivly hurt his girlfriend. His "love" for her will not decrease because he spent one night with another chick. More than that, it does not diminish the relationship that they have together, while together! In the end, as long as he gives 100% to the girlfriend while he is with her or committing some relationship-based action, then her should be forgiven for mistakes, fallacies, poor choices, or vice-based actions.

Thinking about it and acting on it are two completely different things. Fantasy is healthy... Crossing over the line and making that fantasy real -- is wrong.

Love requires trust and openness.

If you love what you believe a person is like, and then find out that they have lied to you, then you might realise that you don't love them after all.

He was cheating.....because she did not know.....Had she been aware Before he acted, it would simply be a new facet to the relationship. Honesty makes for solid relationships.....Deceit kills.

I have never bought, and will never buy, this argument. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I'm glad you can accept a philosophy such as that. To me, once you're a cheater, you're always a cheater. I am an extremist on this topic. It's all or nothing at all with me. I do not tolerate cheating in any shape or form. And it's not a question of possession of a person. To me sex is something special you share with your SO, and no one else. Affection should not be treated so lightly, unless both parties are in agreement on the issue.

OK, sorry for the attempted threadjacking there.

Onto the topic at hand, I agree with the majority of posters. It was absolutely cheating, and you absolutely have to tell her. And you absolutely should not be together anymore.

tecoyah, so whata re u suggesting..

lets just say that it really was a spur of the moment thing..are u suggesting he make the call...

"hunny, im just about to tie up and rub my best friend in baby oil..thought id let you know..ciao..lotsa love hun xxooo"

it was a spur of the moment..maybe he had been thinkinga bout it before hand, but thats not a crime...

its a tough call, but i say dont tell and save ureself the headache..

editing my post I've said all I need to say on this particular subject and I need to leave it at that

Quoted for truthery.

Looking aty the other threads regarding Cheating, I think that its become too easy to give up on relationships. I think that we've become too obsessed with pursuing our own happiness through Dr Phil and self-help books, so that as soon as an unsavoury event happens in our relationships, we cut and run.

Its ironic how most women (and some men) on this forum talk about marriage vows and commitment, yet they are just as quick to say "leave him/her" if there's trouble. Trying times like these is what really test your commitment, and by the speed with which most people here advise break-ups, the sad truth is that most of us are not as commited as we think.

What good is honesty and talking through the issues in your relationship if you'll only "work on it" if you hear what you want to hear? I for one belive that there is a way back from infidelity. Its not easy or quick to regain that trust, but it can be done. Not all cases of infidelity are the same, and I think that people on this forum are way too quick to tar all cheaters with the same brush.

Spread some love. Especially to the people you don't want to.

If I use your logic, if my wife ever went out and spent too much money, she will forever after be a spendthrift, and we should not be together anymore.

Personally, I accept that my wife has flaws, and she accepts that I have them as well.

My philosophy is that no one is going to be the perfect mate, and the best you can hope for is that they try, and sincerely regret when they make a mistake.

Which doesn't seem to be the case here. It would be tough to be married to a cheater, OR to a person who'll end everything if you fall short of perfection.

What I am saying is simple:

He had a descision to make, and chose to explore a sexual fantasy. Nothing wrong with that. He did not communicate with his girlfriend that he was doing so. Something wrong with that. They will both be hurt, and the relationship(trust) damaged. I think we call this.......reality.

But of course....that is only my opinion.

you don't put yourself in the situation UNTIL AFTER the discussion has been had and agreed upon by both parties.

it's not a crime to deal with it spur of the moment, but, the individual still has to own up to and be responsible enough to accept the consequences of the actions.

Cheating, no question.

As for those who wouldn't tell, I have a little story for you.

The summer after our Freshman year of college, lurkette and I went to our separate homes and were apart for the first significant period of time in our relationship. I was lonely and horny and miserable, and one night I hooked up with a girl I worked with. We didn't have intercourse, but we did everything else.

For thirteen years I carried that around with me. I never breathed a word of it to anyone. Every time things got a little rocky with lurkette, I knew it was because of my lie. Every time she was jealous of girls I spent time with (particularly those I worked with) I died a little. Quite literally, I'd think about it and suffer about it every few days, even when things were going well.

About a year ago, while participating in the transformational education program that I'm part of, I watched someone come clean about something very much like this. It was absolutely gut-wrenching to watch, not least because I knew that was me. I couldn't hide it any longer. I couldn't live with the lie any more.

I told lurkette about it, and she forgave me, and since then I only ever think about it when I'm reminded of it. It no longer comes unbidden from the recesses of my memory to take my legs out from under me in my relationship with my wife. Freedom and creativity are possible in my relationship now--now that that withhold is gone.

Here's my point: it's easy to lie (or "not tell" or "protect her feelings" or however you justify it). What's hard is living with yourself after you've done that. Who you become for yourself is a liar and a cheat. You can get along just fine in life with something like that hanging over your head--hell, I lasted about 12 years--but the quality of your life and your relationships will suffer.

Edit: Regarding the notion that "telling will destroy the trust in the relationship".... That ship has sailed. You've already destroyed the trust in the relationship. Telling is the first step at restoring it.

I don't know if I am crossing the line here - if so, please delete my post...

I mean no offence by this TM875, but I am under the assumption that this is a rather typical arguement for those that cheat, or have cheated in the past.

To satisfy my own curiosity, I am going to ask - although I would understand if you chose not to respond.

Have you cheated in the past?

I understand we all have varying optinions on cheating and sex in general, but "If you loved a person (as much as many of you girls/guys claim), then why would one slight indiscretion turn you against them?" doesn't sit well with me.

To me, sex with another person isn't a "slight indescretion" - it is a choice that was made by the person who is cheating. But again, sex to me is something where the rules should be firmly established with your S/O well before anything happens - if sex outside the relationship is acceptable, then it isn't a big deal - but if it is to be held sacred, cheating is certainly not a "slight indescretion" - at least in my opinion...

Can I ask if trust is an important part of your relationships with anyone? Because from what you said it sure doesnt sound like it. To a lot of us being able to trust the person your with is high on the list of why we love the person we are with. I know in my case its VERY hard, if not impossible to win my trust back once its been broken.

When he stated that he enjoyed this episode more than ones he's had with his g/f how can you so boldy state IMO it most certainly does diminish it

NoSoup and Shani, I agree for the most part with TM875 and have never cheated on a SO, including a relationship that lasted 8 years. I was cheated on, and agree with both of you that it is in no way a slight indiscretion. However, I think too many people talk about love, commitment, loyalty, and the popular "unconditional love", and than wrap it in a list of rules and conditions.

Ultimatums and if/then statements seem to back people into a corner based on fear. I guess I would prefer to partner up and deal with each other's mistakes and shortcomings without predetermined punishments. Does that mean you give permission for cheating and lying? Of course not, it means that I want a relationship based on solving problems instead of one based on a zero tolerance policy.

(vote: yeah, you cheated. more from the emotional standpoint than the physical one. but you know that already.)

In terms of cheating... I have to agree with 'ribs. There are a LOT of reasons people make mistakes. I think it's a mistake to write someone off immediately without knowing the whys of it. Sometimes, a person is just unable to commit, or they are looking for a way out of the relationship, etc. But not always. Sometimes, it's a "cry for help". It's acting out. It's not about the other person. I think any extreme in a relationship is going to be unfair to someone, and probably everyone.

I completely agree with you with the exception of the aforementioned topic. In fact, that is probably one of the best ways I have seen such a sentiment verbalized.

However, unless otherwise stated, sexual relations should be one of the most sacred things in a relationship - It is the one thing in a relationship that I hold to the zero-tolerance policy. Anything else I am willing to work through, but cheating on someone violates trust beyond repair.

Thank you NoSoup, that was nice of you to say.

I can't argue with you that it certainly changes the relationship. Dicey business, forgiveness can be... :confused:

Well, to follow up. I did a lot of thinking about this, and kinda realized that we were already approaching a point in the relationship where it was going to be all-or-nothing (ie. It will turn into a long-term relationship, or it won't). I realized that the only things I could think about were all the negatives and that they didn't outweigh the positives.

She just left. With all her stuff.

I told her we needed to talk, and I didn't want her to say anthing until I finished. She didn't seem very angry after I told her what I did, but explained that it was a sign of the inevitable, and that we had to call it quits. She agreed, although reluctantly, that it probably wasn't going to work out.

I don't regret the relationship, which is good, and we agreed to stay friends (mainly because we see each other every weekend).

Thanks for helping me realize that it was just the expression of a bigger problem.

Sorry it ended that way for ya... but you were honest with her and didn't lie to her and that matters a lot to both you and to her...

Good luck...

Sorry to hear it, Locke...

That's why they say 'things happen for a reason.' Be glad that you recognized it and acted accordingly rather than getting deeper into something that's not right.

well bravo to you for being honest and getting everything out in the open.
I'm sorry about the breakup, those are always hard, even when you know they are coming . . . :icare:
you took the right step IMHO . . . good luck and thanks for sharing with all of us :icare:

Sweetpea

Yep, that sucks. But it's a better suckage than if you had hidden it, or if the relationship had gone on in a half-ass manner. Now I'm not advocating fooling around with someone else as a means to discover if you're really in love with someone (there are better ways to realize these things!... e.g. lots of communication), but in your case that's what it took. So cheers to you for coming to the TFP and asking for advice, then stepping up to the truth in the end. That takes strength. I wish you luck in the aftershock.

Glad you did the right thing. It's hard, but in the long run you'll be proud that you did.

Leave it a dignified length of time before you tie the other girl up and fuck her brains out though.

A week should be enough...... ;)

well, in my opinion i'd be totally ENRAGED had it been my bf.but thats just the way i am and frankly i'd rather have him tell me than have to find out from the friend, who would most probably want more seeing as it was an eye opener for her, who is trying to ruin the relationship.

but the decision is all yours to make:
eaither you live with a guilty conscience or you come clean and try to make her understand.

not saying that she will, but its worth the try.everything is.

Forgetting for one second that people have different limits, I try to do this when considering actions.

Would I like it if my girlfriend did it to some other guy? (I don't have a gf but a good strategy is...do onto others as they would do onto you).

Me?? I would not like it if my significant other was tying or being tied down by some other dude. Not cool.

I guess that is something you might use in the future, with the next gf. I'm proud of you for telling her the truth, but it might be better to end things before getting physical with another woman.

Good for you.

You have two options:

1. Tell your girlfriend, anticipate and accept anything she throws at you, both figurative and literal.

2. Break up with her, cite infidelity as the reason. Take the verbal beating like a man.

The others were correct. If you have to hide it, whatever it is, it's cheating.

I cant see that this is bragging. What would it be bragging about?
It's just something that happened, and you were experimenting. Dont tell g/f. Things DO NOT always "come out" millions and millions of secrets go to the grave.
You guys are SOS strict and moralistic, like being in a relationship is a prison.

well if strict and moralistic is being honest with your partner then you bet you booty I am.

Is it cheating: Yes.

Is it the kind of cheating that should piss your GF off: Probably not. You showed superhuman restraint to keep it where you did.

Would it piss her off: Indubitably. You will hear about it for years if you don't get insta-dumped.

Forget it ever happened an never mention it again. Don't even think about it.

yes it sure is cheating, if my GF did that to me or anything even remotely like it she would be on the curb.

It was probably cheating but you should NOT tell her. Nothing good will come of it. Why ruin your current relationship because you didn't have sex with another woman?

Don't do it again and you're fine. Don't tell her and make her break up with you

well im sorry that it ended. i was of the opinion that you shouldnt have told her, but alas..

at least you can tie up ure best friend and smother her with baby oil all over again and not feel guilty :D..now how good is that!!!!!

Heh... I feel like a fucking soap opera, but I convinced her (the ex) to come over today to talk. I felt like shit all week, and she did too. She "started" seeing this other guy that she pretty much hated with a passion. I had to go through all of the "he isn't good for you" etc, but I came to the realization yesterday that I really wanted her back, and that I ended a really good thing.

We are back together. I swear that rational people don't have relationships like this.

if you have to ask....

Sometimes, a sexual relationship with a long term partner becomes so fraught with problems and with hurt that after awhile you don't view them stepping out as "cheating" but rather as a rest and relief for yourself.At this point in time I want my partner to sleep with other people.I obviously do nothing for him sexually and expecting him to remain faithful physically is doing a hurtful thing to somebody I love very much in every other way.

Of course it was more exciting than anything you have done with your girlfriend. You were intimate with someone who is a friend and you took that friendship to the next level. To answer everyone This isnt sex. It is an exchange of power, PERIOD. Now that's not to say it was or wasn't cheating. The intimacy you and your friend shared can cause a sexual rush but so can skinny dipping with a cousin. Is that cheating? The big question is how serious are you about your girlfriend? You really need to evaluate this before yu do anything. If you really love her and care for her, you two need to talk, but be ready for her to look for things to throw, and dont give specifics or names keep it brief, explain that both of you were clothed and leave it at that. If she demands specifics dont give them, she is looking for fuel for her gas operated castrator. Above all get across to her there was no sex but you still feel guilty about it.
Beyond that consider this: Could this have happened due to your friend's breakup or is it possible that she feels something more for you than you realize or perhaps you have feelings for her. Hey nobody ever said life is simple