lack of compliments
 

I wouldn't classify this as a dealbreaker, more of a disappointment. Falls into the "needs improvement" category.

I have been with my SO for nearly two years. We're getting married. But he never compliments me. At most, he'll say something complimentary about once a week, and it's something lukewarm at best ("You look nice.")

I know he can compliment. Before we were dating, he would often say complimentary things about other girls to me. And, in fact, after we were dating, he would say complimentary things to and about other girls in front of me. So it's not that he can't do it.

In my most recent major relationship before this (5 years/cohabitation) the guy all but ignored me, and did the same thing (compliments for others, nothing for me).

I am definitely not gorgeous. I'm chubby. But I'm not hideous. And I guess I just figured the person who was going to marry me would think enough of me to drop a compliment once in a while. And it frankly makes me feel like a hideous beast when he omits compliments this way.

I have talked to him about this three times (including this morning). Each time, he's all oh I'm sorry, oh I'm an ass. And then it goes back to me never getting a single compliment, which then leaves all the compliments he gave other girls ringing in my ears (insecure, yes I know, but I think most people would feel the same).

I'm just starting to feel like he really doesn't find me attractive. Or he's already taking me for granted in a big way. Neither of which *I* enjoy.

Comments?

I used to give the ex compliments all the time - still do actually because she is a fine lady. But my omission was the romantic gesture - I only thought of flowers when I was broke, hardly ever set up a picnic date or did whatever else it is that the romanitic people do. She mentioned that lack from time to time. I think it isn't so much that you aren't considered compliment worthy but that he only thinks of these things when it is too late or would seem forced or all the million other little roadblocks guys can put in the way. He definitely thinks you are attractive because you have stirred him deeply enough that he wants you as his life partner. Maybe if you got some silly fridge magnet or little washroom knick-knack that carried a message like - "have you told her she's beautiful lateley?" on it. If you set the stage and gave a little more direction to his random unvoiced thought patterns he may spontaneously say those little things from time to time. Worth a shot, maybe? It won't be asking for compliments, just letting him know that you are open to recieving them and agreeable to his voicing them. Besides, if you react in a very warm and positive way without going overboard (unless you do him an intimate service ;)) he will learn to open up a bit.

This is my technique, as I sometimes feel the way the OP does... and I choose to react VERY positively every time my bf does something nice, not b/c I'm overdoing it but b/c it really DOES mean a lot to me, and I want him to know that I appreciate what he does. Thus he feels more comfortable continuing to do nice things, and I feel better too. :) I also render him intimate services... :thumbsup:

This used to be more of a problem for us, but my bf and I have had some serious talks about the way I interpret his form of attention/inattention to me, and we are both working on it... him, being more affirming --> he's doing a great job :icare: <--- and me being less sensitive/insecure. Of course one feeds off the other... it comes down to getting into good habits of affirming, forgiving, communicating, always seeking to improve the relationship.

I think pride and/or laziness can become little roadblocks, as kramus said (and eventually, huge roadblocks)... so really lay down the law with your man and help him realize how much it hurts you when he doesn't put effort into/remember the little things (and give him a chance to say which of your behaviors hurt/frustrate him). In some ways, I think my bf now knows that if we didn't work on these issues, we'd be better off apart... it's that important to me, to feel affirmed regularly in a relationship. Sometimes it does take severe honesty to get your point across.

I think that perhaps your fiancee does say nice things to you, in his own way, but you don't see it. You describe yourself as "I am definitely not gorgeous. I'm chubby." To me this sounds like you have a lack of assurance within yourself that you are attractive, and therefore zero in on the comments your fiancee makes about other girls. If the man you are with doesn't make you feel like the most beautiful woman in his world, then there's a problem. I'm not saying he should worship the ground you walk on, but if he doesn't affirm his love and devotion to you in such a way that you *know* he thinks you're the greatest thing ever, then you need to talk to him about it, and have a serious sit down about how you two feel for each other before you go and get married.

That is the wax in the ears that stops the hearing of many compliments a man may give his spouse/significant other.

Perhaps instead of wondering why your SO doesn't compliment you, maybe look into yourself and define why you need compliments and why it is important to you.

If you do that honestly, you probably won't worry about the lack of compliments, from anyone.

RE: me saying I'm chubby. I'm just being realisitc, here. I am confident. I just realize that I'm 20 lbs overweight, and there's nothing wrong with not being in denial about a wee weight problem. It's really not a self-esteem problem; it's more like, I have the best self-esteem I've ever had, but never hearing a positive word from my fiance is starting to chip away at this confidence.

It's not that I don't hear compliments, I promise. It's that he doesn't give them.

Before we were together, he'd say things like this about other girls (keep in mind,w e were close friends, so he talked to me like a friend would): "She's hot/She has the most amazing hair I've ever seen/I'd love to see her naked/She's hot. Hot hot hot/She's got a great ass/She's beautiful"

After we got together, he continued to dole out compliments such as "I love your hair this color/You have amazing eyes/Those pants are great/She has awesome clothes/She has awesome shoes" etc. One he actually said he would like to see a girl we know naked, and I was totally not impressed with that. Especially since my nakedness is met with deafening silence --- I have never heard one single positive word about my naked body from him.

There were also other things that fed into this, such as when we had to do a portrait assignment for one of our classes (yes, post secondary) and instead of using me as a subject --- I used him --- he chose one of the girls he was constantly complimenting (which, as far as I'm concerned, is a statement) and then spent hours editing the photos and using them in art. In the magazine he compiled for another class, he gave her a full page spread (including a suggestive photo of her licking the air), had numerous photos of scantily clad women, and my photo appeared nowhere.

Perhaps any one of these occurrences wouldn't mean much, but many of them, together, over time, that's gonna get on a girl's fucking nerves. There's more, but I just don't have the time to list every specific incident.

So no, he doesn't help in making me feel attractive. And that has nothing to do with my self-esteem; as my fiance, it's part of the job description to make me feel loved, and compliments are part of that. Especially when he's free and easy with them to everyone else.

And the flipside is, I comment on his appearance constantly, varying from you look really nice today to your cock is huge and awesome. I am totally in love with him, and he is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I always thought the reverse would be true. But it's not.

A woman shouldn't expect positive attention from her significant other?

This has nothing to do with my self-esteem. This is a problem with him taking me for granted. See above.

Honestly, my fiance tells me at least once a day how beautiful I am, and I'm not the model-type, trust me....

You can't change someone, and you shouldn't blame yourself for someone else's actions and opinions. The way I see it, is that you have two choices: deal with feeling the way you do, and the situation, or refuse to put up with it and leave.

If this is affecting you so significantly, you may want to atke a look at the relationship before you get married and make sure that you're really as compatible as you think you are.

I don't care what your mother told you, I don't care what all those womens' magazines tell you, I don't care what TV shows and every other aspect of society tells you, you cannot change someone and make them perfect in your eyes. If this is such a big deal that you're asking for advice on how to change it, you have to consider the likely situation that it will not change and you'll be kicking yourself for it later.

From his point of view, it may be completely different. He may have had some sort of experience in teh past that makes him bite his tongue when he wants to say something nice. It's easy to talk about people who can't hear you and willb e gone in as little time as it takes to walk past, but ir's difficult to say something to you because of some subconscious fear of saying the wrong thing and offending you, or somehow screwing up. There's also the possibility that he's concealing the fact that he's emotionally growing apart from you and can't find a way to say it directly. He could be conscioously or subconsciously letting you know that he doesn't feel the same as he used to and wants you to do something about it so that he doesn't feel guilty. There's also a possibility that there's such a huge communication problem that he thinks he's complimenting you every way but verbally and either isn't, or is doing it in a way that you don't see or choose not to see. It seems apparent that you have a pre-existing self-esteem isue connected to your physical apperance, and that also has to be addressed.

If anyone is still reading after that rambnling, the point I'm trying to make is that this is all about a lack of understanding and communication between two people, and they need to do more than occasionally talk about it, give and accept an apology, and go back into the same routine.

I agree with you, it's never the "big" things that matter, but actually the small things... and any accumulation of small things, whether positive, negative, or neutral, will overcome the "big" stuff (yes, even being engaged).

You said you don't have time to list every specific incident... do you mentally keep track of these things? I find that I keep track of negative things much more when I am feeling depressed, so that in a way they become a self-fulfilling prophecy (even if the depression started because of a minor negative thing). It is a nasty process... I hear you, that it's not so much a self-esteem problem as it is one of communication and compatibility. Question those things before committing to either marriage or splitting up, because if you aren't happy now, it's almost for sure that you won't be happy 10 or 20 years from now.

Bottom line - you are a great, gorgeous girl that wants the feedback that you deserve. Not a bad thing. I have a fiance that I think is the greatest. Now here's the deal - she's always telling me how bad (ugly) she looks, and I disagree. Sometimes it's more about the total package. Some can see beyond that, some can't. Pehaps your b/f knows this? Life is about living. Live it. Enjoy it.

Some males do not understand, or care to see the hidden needs of women. Attribute this to whatever you wish, but it is real. Some women require no affirmation of the beauty they possess, mental or physical. If these two meet, they would be happy for the most part. Then there is the other 99% of meetings between lovers.

If you want more compliments from him.....tell him, but do not hold the inevitable grudge of forcing this affirmation from him. Its either that or accept him for what he is.....or move on.

Why are you with him then if this bothers you so much? It's the little things that cause a relationship to fail, and well... this is more than a little thing for you.

you've got to decide for yourself whether this shortcoming of his outweighs the good stuff.

Should a woman expect positive attention from her significant other? If it is a problem for that person than I would think so. When I have or continue to offer compliments to others I've been involved with, it has been within the premise of being impressed enough to offer a compliment. Compliments for the sake of compliments are cheap. Expecting or thinking that one deserves compliments for whatever reason are even cheaper.

And if you think he is taking you for granted then obviously there is some sort of a communication breakdown. Have you spoken to him and expressed your concerns? Maybe he can better explain why he compliments others rather than you. Coming from him would probably be better than it coming from someone on this forum.

I think you expect too much. It is no ones job to make you feel anything, be it attractive, happy, or whatever. That's your job. If you expect that from your fiance or anyone else, you need to dig deep and find why you feel that way.

When people find the person that "they want to spend the rest of their lives with" sometimes they expect that person to automatically fill every "need" that they have- friendship, sex, love, self-esteem, etc. You can't expect one person to "complete" you, because it's impossible. If you are basing your entire existence off of one person and their opnion of you, you're going to have a miserable life. I know- I've done it. What happens on days when he's upset at something that has nothing to do with you? You're going to be miserable too.

Have you TALKED to your fiancee about this? Communication is everything. Personally, I think you're reading way way too much into this incident. If you expected him to pick you because you picked him, without telling him that, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. Your fiancee is not a mind reader- don't expect him to be one. You need to COMMUNICATE.

Okay, I'm about to be REALLY honest, and I don't know if you want to hear it. If not, you may wish to skip this post.

I don't think you're being oversensitive or overemotional in the slightest. You may be overreacting to specific incidents, but that is common and understandable after seeing such a trend overall.

In my personal life and observations, I find that actions speak very loudly - including the action of complimenting. I know that I am far from perfect, but my SO makes me feel beautiful and sexy by his words AND his actions. Does yours at least make you feel good by his physical actions during sex? Does he kiss you for no reason? Is it ONLY the verbal missing, or is there no physical appreciation either?
If there ARE "physical compliments" occuring, then I would also attribute this to a communication issue, and try to have a discussion and break the cycle of inaction/no change.
If there aren't any physical compliments occuring, I would leave him. I'm not kidding in the slightest. To me, that says he thinks he's settling for what he can get. He thinks other women are beautiful, but too beautiful for him to obtain, and you're "as good as he's going to get". You don't deserve that kind of bullshit and you should be with someone who knows you are as wonderful as you think they are. If this is the case, he does not appreciate you the way that you should be appreciated. "Chubby" is no reason to accept less than that.
You should be able to feel beautiful in your own confidence, and have that feeling supported and confirmed by your SO. If he does not/cannot do so verbally or physically (and I'm being generous to him to allow only one of those, it should be both for the average mental health) then he shouldn't get to have you.

Yep, I agree. This is a major issue, not one to be brushed away by being "oversensitive." This kind of stuff will make-it or break-it, in my view.

Jess, you said this beautifully... words ARE a part of actions, at least in my book. I think that yes, if he is trying to compliment you physically, at least you have that to build on... his heart is there, but he just doesn't have the skills to affirm you verbally (since that is one of your needs). Those skills can be learned. But if he isn't giving you any affirmation, then definitely cut your losses and hit the road. He is not right for you and is wasting your time and energy when you could find someone who is a much better fit for you.

As a male who has been with the same woman for 13 or so years, married to her for the last 7, I think Sage is right on the money here.

There may be issues here, but I think a major one is your apparent low self esteem.

Rant/
I must take issue with all of you claiming twinkle has self esteem issues. To be aware that one is 20 lbs overweight, i.e. “chubby”, doesn’t mean she automatically has self esteem problems. It does mean she’s aware of her self, faults and all. It’s not easy to be comfortable with yourself knowing that you’re overweight (or in my case, horrifyingly out of shape), but just because she doesn’t look like a supermodel doesn’t mean she’s not sleeping nights or whatever.

Now, of course I know she could have such issues, but posters are using this possibility to invalidate her instincts and feelings. Even IF she does have self esteem problems, that doesn’t mean her SO isn’t wrong to not give support/compliments. If she does in fact have self esteem issues, it’s even worse. People are supposed to support their SO’s, especially after 2 years!!! So please stop making his inattention and rudeness her fault – it’s not.
/end rant

/jumps on Jess' ranting bandwagon.

Telling someone that they have self-esteem issues is the opposite of helping that person. Whether or not they have those issues, telling them this straight-out can only make them feel worse.

Feelings are feelings, and they are valid. We on TFP are generally good about seeing things this way; even if someone is being completely irrational, we give them space to feel and express that.

I don't think one should depend on someone else to make one happy, either. HOWEVER: in a relationship, there is a certain expectation to help the other person to know that they are loved, supported, cared for, affirmed. That is not dependancy, that's being in love and expressing it, physically AND verbally. If the OP is not getting what she needs after two years, she needs to leave and find it elsewhere.

/end rant

From my perpsective, sounds like your fiance has some maturity issues, if he is doling out such crass compliments to others in front of you. These seem to be more like he's wearing his libido on his sleeve, and you are his squeeze.

on the other hand, now that you've pointed out to him his lack of attention, perhaps he feels embarrassed, and would feel that any compliment he gives now you wont believe because quote "you're making him do it" . He may in fact be self conscious of giving you a compliment.


But I know myself that I would not appreciate his rather crude observations of other women in your company...

So, I'm lazy, and I didn't read all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating what someone already said. :p

I think guys don't realize that we need constant reassurance. Like, maybe they feel that if they told us two months ago that our ass is fine, then we shouldn't need to hear it again. Sorry, guys, that is definitely not the case. :p Keep telling us about our perfect ass and face and body and personality (you like how I put that last?).

I have a little self-esteem problems, but the weekly comments about my sexiness definitely make me feel better. I don't base my WHOLE self-image on what my boyfriend thinks of me, but it is a factor. If I think he doesn't find me sexy, then I feel like shit. Cause I want to please him. And one way for him to indicate that in a way that i will definitely get is to give verbal compliments.

:lol: Well said, Lindsey. I know there are many women out there who are 100% confident in themselves and don't need any verbal reassurances from anyone, and I suppose there are even a few men out there who are that confident. As someone else said, though, for the other 99% of the world... REPETITION IS GOOD. For both men and women. It certainly doesn't do any harm, and helps us all just get along.

Oh golly. For the last time. I don't have a self-esteem issue. That's a pretty dismissive thing to say, and attempts to absolve him of any responsibility. Which isn't really fair.

I am not asking him to validate me. I am asking him to cherish me a little --- at least to the degree that he's verbally admiring of other females. That's it.

I can't possibly answer everything everyone has said. What I can tell you is, I have talked to my fiance about this for the second (possibly third) time, and his answer is still the same: I am sorry. I don't know why I do it. Which doesn't help.

He is physically affectionate, and all-around nice to me --- just completely silent about anything that has to do with my appearance.

This is not an all-consuming issue that occupies my every waking moment. As I said in the very first line: Not a deal breaker. I just posted because I was curious on what the opinion of people who were totally removed from the situation was (knowing that it's impossible for anyone to really say exactly why, since there are way too many variables). I guess I just wanted someone else's take. And now I have a few.

So... thanks.

If your thoughts are why does he complement other women, takes photos of them but not me, and mentions being over weight, it sounds like a self esteme issue is involved. I'm not saying is some deep, dark, life crippling thing, but its there. He is not helping it any, and that he needs to work on.

When you first posted, twinkle, what you said made it seem like your fiancee never paid any attention to you. Now that you have explained that he is physically affectionate and nice to you, it sounds like he just needs a jump start in the compliment department. Totally ok. I would still say that communication is your best path in this, as in all things.

For me - and I presume many other men - giving random compliments is not a natural thing to do. We remind ourselves to do it early on in a relationship because women like it, but then forget about it later on. That doesn't mean that the same feelings aren't still there. No matter how great someone looks, it simply never enters my mind to mind to tell them that.

Lindseylatch gave part of the reason. We generally feel that once we've said something once, that's enough. Also, simply staying with someone and acting affectionate should be (in our eyes) a more than adequate replacement for random compliments. I'm not saying that you just have to accept your situation, but I hope this helps you understand it a little more.

Another thing is that making comments about other people is completely different than making comments to them (with exceptions allowed for situations where artificial politeness is required).

sweetie, you taotally deserve compliments. if hes not giving you what you deserve then why not find somone else who will? also...like does he show hes attracted to you in other ways? like sexually/contact ..you make it sound liek hes "friendly" but it doesnt sound like someone whos getting married. and also..while biznatch tells me how beautiful i am all the time..sometimes when i want one and he isnt giving i prod a little..the next time he tells me how great i look right away.

But... he doesn't say it, or anything, at all.

Perhaps I haven't been clear --- he makes them both about and TO other women.

And, I would never leave him over this. And I have talked to him about it. Like I said, just wanted insight.

For those who are saying that his complimenting/fixating on other women shouldn't bother me... I guess I'm not buying the "it's my problem, not his". I don't feel it's appropriate or even sensible to make a bigger fuss over another woman than you do over your significant other.

We have a lot of sex. Lots and lots. This silence on his part is just one thing that doesn't fit. and compiled with the rest of the package (he is loving), it seems like even more of a glaring omission.

I have tried the gentle prodding, and the complimenting him. I compliment him like ten times a day, and I mean everything I say. But in return? Nada. Silence.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated in a way that you don't think is appropriate?

When my love and I go out, we often compliment and oggle other people. He'd rather look at pictures of other women, and quite often, I'd rather look at other people too! We're both quite aware of this, but we're still happy. He's a down to earth sort of guy, and so he doesn't tell me things like "you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." They're just not true. Both of us know damn well that though he thinks I'm beautiful, others may be better. He's beautiful, but others may be better too!

But, there is way more to you and I than our appearances. We are a package deal, and even though our wrappings may not be as shiny as the next, we've got the whole damn thing going on! And that's why smart boys choose ladies like us. He chose you, and he wants to keep you for life! Don't worry about the pretty girls, that's all they'll be to him.

Though, if he doesn't complement you and you want to hear it, talk to him about it. Tell him that it makes you question yourself, or whatever it makes you feel, and ask him to be a bit more vocal with his love. Perhaps if you were to up the ante on what you say to him it could help encourage him. Also, I'd suggest complementing other guys when you're with him, and see how it feels for the both of you.

And Twinkle, from experience, if you ever need an ego boost, just post a pic here and you'll get all the boost one girl could stand! (I know you're still a rookie, but keep posting! You'll get more access soon enough!) :icare:

Does he say anything during sex? How does he turn you on? Does he make noises, or anything that expresses his desire for you, for your body?

I know that for me, verbal stuff during sex is really good for turning me on... and making me feel loved. Even when my bf doesn't remember to compliment me, he almost always does during sex... verbal is so huge for me, it can turn me from a horrible mood into a very sexy mood.

You keep saying over and over that this isn't that big of a deal, and then you keep posting and saying how annoying/hurtful/much of an issue(within yourself, at least) it is. Anything that bugs you after two years will annoy the hell out of you after ten. And yes, you two have a lot of sex now, but how will you feel once the sex goes away and he still doesn't compliment you? Or when you have kids and he doesn't compliment you? Part of marriage is loving and respecting each other throughout the marriage, droopy breasts and strech marks and Viagra and all. You really need to communicate with your fiancee about this, and I don't mean just reminding him to compliment you and him then forgetting. Have you thought about premarital counseling? Not only will it help you two overcome this difference, but it will prepare you for what being married will be like, which is something everyone can use.

He says nothing during sex. Ever. I have never received anything remotely resembling a compliment from him in regards to my body, naked or otherwise. He moans when I touch him, and that's about it.

To cellophanedeity: I have never been one to windowshop, people-wise. I don't ogle or "check out" people, because love for me is an emotional attachment and I just don't get turned on from looks alone. And no, I don't think anyone is better looking than my fiance, because I'm in love with him and that makes him the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen. So I can't relate in any way.

To maleficent, who asked why am I allowing myself to be treated this way: How am I allowing it? I've talked to him about it several times. I'm certainly not going to break up with him because of this; he's great in every other department. I'm all for taking a hard line on poor treatment, but like I've said twice now, this is not a make-or-break issue.

It isn't a huge deal. Like I said, I wanted feedback. Or to know if anyone had any experience that could help. For those of you who are still suggesting communication or talking to him about it, I've already talked to him about it, a couple times, and it has not helped. I don't mean just mentioning it in passing, but rather in-depth conversations.

Counselling is not an option right now, financially speaking.

^ Does either of you have insurance for counseling? Most benefits-plans have something for this... and the company never knows. For me, counseling would be about $15 a week of my own money... to me, that's a few lattes and a DVD rental... surely worth investing in, for the sake of this area of your life?

You know, you sit here and openly admit to being at least 20 pounds overweight and in the same breath complain because your man doesn't compliment you.

Did you ever stop to think that perhaps this guy loves all your other wonderful qualities but that maybe he's not thrilled about your weight ? He probably is afraid to say anything for fear that whatever he comes up with will be taken/perceived either in a negative way or as permission to not lose the weight or to gain even more down the road when kids come along.When you don't know what to say saying nothing at all is often perceived by men as the only route to take. It sounds like he loves you and simply doesn't want to hurt you cause if hurting you/being rude was his objective he'd be sitting there comparing you to other women to your face.

If you'd like more compliments from him, why not do the work needed to lose weight and get into better shape ? I just know that you'll feel totally awesome being your fitest
and it will give you a real shot of confidence... and the compliments from your man will be real, from the heart and not forced.

he probably met her and fell in love with her when she was this weight...not that weight should matter..if you love someone you should be attracted to the PERSON and the persons BODY...

twinkle...it sounds as thou he may not be as interested at someone your about to marry should be. teh sex may be an easy solution to him and you deserve wayy better. you deserve to be with someone who finds you sexy and amazing inside and out. it doesnt seem that he gives you that. :icare:

I still don't understand why you say in one breath that it's not a big deal and in the other breath keep coming to TFP saying "He never compliments me, we've had in-depth conversations about it, he's never said anything good about my body."

This man has never ever told you you were beautiful in his eyes. This is a HUGE red flag to me, because it seems he's just with you for the stability and not for the beauty and wonderfulness that is twinkle.

If this guy just has trouble saying things about you looking nice or something, try working up to it.

Start with something like putting on something you know (or think) he likes, then asking him if he likes the way you look in it. If he says YEAH!!, then there you go, thats an avenue towards getting compliments. If he says well.. eh, not really, or waffles, then ask him to go in your closet and find something that he really likes to see you in so that you can wear it. If he can't really find anything, tell him that you're going to take him out to some stores and that you're not coming home until he finds at least one item of clothing that he would like to see you wear.

To me, this whole issue does not make sense. Even people who marginally enjoy being around each other will compliment each other on things. For you to say he doesn't ever and has not ever once complimented you on anything related to your appearance tells me that there is something weird going on here.

I'm going to back the redflags here; from the male perspective I have to say that

1. When I'm into a chick, I generally let her know. Compliments are huge, they should be genuine, and it's sort of common knowledge that most people, not just the ladies, like to be complimented. I fail to understand how your SO could not be aware of this, specifically given that you've discussed it in depth a few times. His refusal to do so is a pretty big deal. You didn't ask him to go pull a Sherman tank down the street with his penis. You asked him to tell you that you're beautiful to him. If that's such a big deal to him....well, it's interesting.

2. I definately don't mind when my (currently theoretical) girlfriend gets hit on by other guys, and I don't have any problems telling her I find another girl attractive...communication has to be open or else she ain't my girlfriend. However, I would feel like an ass if I constantly told her how hot I found other girls, didn't tell her I found her beautiful, and particularly so after she told me this is hurting her feelings. Something is rotten in Denmark

I'm not saying he doesn't love you. I'm not saying he's not attracted to you. I am saying something is going on, and if I were you I'd get to the bottom of it before you get married. If there is something deeper to this than his inability to communicate, find out now. I would also look at how his parents interact with each other.

edit: while it's on my mind, allow me to also say: I'm going to assume that you may indeed have some insecurity issues. Most people do. It may be related to your weight. It may not. Whatever. If you and this guy were doing the old friends avec les benefits; then it wouldn't be his responsibility to help you out in the compliments department. Might make him kind of a dickhead not to, but not really his job. If he's your fiance on the other hand, I think it's part of the bargain that you do things to help each other out...particularly something that's not really that hard to do. Maybe you are needing some help from him to help you with a little image problem...that's something I think you have a right to expect from someone you're going to spend the rest of life (theoretically) with.

amen, pigglet, amen!

Because I started the thread, and questions keep rising in it, so I'm answering them. That's pretty much it.

I also think it's weird, obviously, or I'd never give it a second thought.

Thanks, guys/girls, for the comments and observations.

Well... his Dad compliments his Mom to her face, to other people, and to random pieces of furniture. He's arse over teakettle in love with her. When she appears, he often says "Here comes the pretty lady!" And I'm very happy for her, but I must say, it doesn't make me feel any better, because we can't even use the role model excuse.

I've tried that. Didn't do anything. When I said, "Does this look nice?" he said "Yeah, looks nice" and then changed the subject. I took him clothes shopping with me and when I would directly ask him if it looked nice, he would say yes, even sound enthused. But that's being like... nagged into it. And it certainly didn't lead to anything spontaneous.

Like I said, maybe once a week he will dole out an offhanded, mild comment about something I'm wearing. But never anything about me specifically. He did go the opposite way and complain when I cut off my hair, to which I sharply replied that if he liked it, he should have said something nice about it when I had it, instead of raving about the hair of a girl we know to the point where he said it was so great he'd fuck her and she wouldn't even need a face. And just so you know, THOSE kind of comments are striken from our communication because in our talking, he DID understand what shit it was to talk like that in front of your significant other. Progress, I guess.

Anyway, I'm going to try talking to him again. And this will be the last time. If it doesn't change this time, I will just have to resign myself to the fact that that's the status quo. Because he's fantastic in every other way, and I really do love him.

twinkle..if he can say that about another girl..to you..but doesnt show any appreciation for you, your sexuality, your body..everthing about you..you may be pure convienence... you deserve better..why would you want to be with someone who doesnt even seem to find you attractive?

^^^ Yeah, that. I am officially worrying too much about you, twinkle. If you are truly happy with this guy, that's wonderful. But if you have any sort of doubts, and I mean the kind where you're wondering if he finds you attractive or that sort of thing, and not the "holy shit I'm getting married" type that everyone goes through... if you're having any doubts, well, think about it really hard. Marriage is a big deal. And we're worried that he isn't treating you as the special person you are. Sorry if I'm hyping on this... The road to hell is paved with good intentions, as the cliche goes...

Hey Twinkle, you mentioned that you and your fiancé had been friends before becoming romantic, and that his bawdy talk about girls was common from the start. It could be that because he fell in love with you as a friend first, he is more comfortable with you as his best friend and is finding it awkward to treat you intimately. Maybe he is confused because what you need from him has changed (as it should), and when guys get confused we tend to just clam up...

Another thought is that as people settle into a day-to-day routine with each other, guys especially seem to focus on keeping the big things in order and don't give the priority to small things like compliments. If you approach him in a fun way about it, and make it light but serious and get him in the habit of noticing small things about you, he may respond better than if he feels "scolded". For example, "ok, twinkguy - here's the deal, on Fridays I am going to have a surprise waiting for you at 6pm sharp. In order to get this excellent thing, you need to notice 2 different things a day about me Monday through Friday, AND TELL ME. If you miss one day you are stuck with 4 things in 1 day, so you better keep up." (flowers could count for 3 compliments :) ) The point is now it's a game and you can razz him when he forgets because he won't get his yo-yo, pez dispenser, or Play-dough come Friday.

I know it's goofy, and maybe I'm just a geek - but they say that habits form in 25 days of consistent behavior... Any more of the "fuck without a face" talk though and I say no toys at all! You deserve to be adored by your husband, don't compromise ~ :)

his play dough? please tell me thats code for something else? otherwise all these years i've been totally confused and i've been doing the relationship thing wrong. *goes off to buy biznatch some toy cars*

holy crap...have sex with her even if she didn't have a face? How is that EVER ok?
I would feel like shit if my b/f said something like that about someone else...especially if he never said anything like that about me.
I like the reward system idea; it'll motivate him, and allow him to come up with stuff on his own. Although I think I'd say he has to notice positive things...
How the sex life? I mean, if I wasn't getting compliments, and I thought he didn't find me as attractive as the friend with the hair, then there would be no sex. Not as punishment, but just cause I wouldn't feel sexy...You'd think that would work as a reward system as well...:p I guess he's never actually done it right to get the reward though. ;)

I'd be angry if my boyfriend paid other girls compliments but barely gave me the time of day. I know what I am regardless of whether we're dating or not, I knew I was hot before him and I know I'm hot after him (hehe). But when you're with someone and they're supposed to love you and express that love in different ways....

I don't have any advice other then if he wants to pay other ladies compliments, he should do the same to you.

Yeah, well I think the reward system and all this stuff sounds nice and all, but should be completely unnecessary. I'll be damned if I'd ever try to trick some girl I was dating into acting like she was into me. To me, that just sounds a little fucked up. However, each to their own - best of luck with this situation.

Repeat after me:

_______ I'm worth more_______

Move on and find someone who can't get enough of looking at, complimenting and being with Twinkle.

Life is too short to be with anyone who isn't just perfect for you.

Sweetpea

The other night, he said to me that he's just a loser when it comes to keeping all bases loaded, so to speak. He has less relationship experience and he thought he was doing pretty good.

He said that he's let compliments slide and he feels like shit about it. And that he does think nice things about me constantly, he just doesn't say them. And I told him to please not to start brightly and fakely complimenting everything I do, but please, when something nice about me pops into his head... SAY IT. And, it wasn't to me, but it was a start --- he posted on our obligatory wedding weblog (for those far away) that I looked beautiful in my dress.

Acetylene on Kel's computer, doesn't know Kel's login info, so doesn't want to log him out (mods forgive me!):

Uptown, how could you say such a cruel thing! 20 pounds is NOTHING. For most women all 20 pounds means is a nice round ass, nice round titties, and nice comfy cuddles. Twinkle is FAR from grossly overweight and I am willing to bet money that she has several body areas which actually are improved by the extra weight, which her fiancee should be noticing and commenting on.

Twinkle, about your comment that it's his job to make you feel loved: my counselor always used to tell me that no one could MAKE anyone feel anything. But, they can give someone a reason to feel a way. Your fiancee does have the obligation to express his love to you, in a way that you an understand. It is his responsibility to learn to speak your love language; the reverse is also true (example: my father doesn't think I love him unless I critisize his eating habits--I have to tell him he's not drinking enough water at least once a month or he gets all depressed and thinks I don't care).

It does you no good for him to sit there, loving you desperately, but never saying a word. My ex may or may not have loved me--he certainly complained when I left him--but he was similarly unexpressive, so I couldn't tell. Eventually I got irritated with a relationship where I felt like a mere convenience, and I left.

You might be able to change this now, but I'd recommend premarital counseling. you can get a good price if you do this through the church, and they will support you 100%. A problem like this will probably need external help and guidance because it requires a change in the way the two of you relate, on a very fundamental level. I would not recommend you marry this man unless he succeeds in learning to express his love in a way that you can understand; you do not want to be trapped with an unloving husband 40 years down the line!

Lest I sound too harsh, let me reaffirm: even if you are as ugly as sin, someone who loves you will find you beautiful. It's a sort of glowing, starry-eyed, pink goggles beautiful, but it counts, and if he loves you, he will see you this way. Society's objective standard of beauty means nothing between a man and a woman when there is love to do the makeup.

I read parts of your post to him, Acetylene, because it is really the most applicable thing I've read so far and worded the best. And it was like I cracked something there and he was REALLY open.

He said that deep down, part of him still feels like if he were to be very aggressive or overtly sexual in complimenting me, he would be rejected or I would be somehow offended (which makes sense, because he was pretty innocent and very nonaggressive physically when I met him and still often is shy about initiating --- but fucks up a storm when I initiate).

And while he didn't have anything emotionally invested in what other women would think of his compliments, if I were to be offended or reject a compliment or advance, he says it would crush him. He is basically afraid, he says that I intimidate him. And it was the best discussion we've had on the subject and I feel immensely relieved; within the context of his personality vs mine it makes so, so much sense.

So... thanks!!!

Huzzah for having a real, open, communicative conversation. THAT is what makes a marriage work- not a good sex life, not money, not a huge wedding, but true, open, and honest communication. Once you know what's going on, then you can begin to take steps to meet each other halfway and work through your problems. Now that you know what's going on with your fiancee, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to help him know that you love him and want him to be more agressive (in initiating sex/giving compliments)? I think that premarital counseling would be good as well- you say your fiancee didn't have a lot of relationship expierence before you. Having relationships leads you to learn from expierence what works and what doesn't, and when you don't have that expierence it's useful to learn how to cultivate a working marriage from someone who knows best (i.e. a pre-marital counselor). Good luck :thumbsup:!

We're definitely not having premarital counselling. Neither of us think we have problems that warrant that sort of step at this point --- it would be like calling in a water bomber to put out a match ;) This is one sore issue, out of a thousand issues where we are perfectly on target with one another.

The ball is in his court right now; and when he does compliment me I will be sure to thank him. Effusively, if the compliment warrants it, both with words and actions.

Just to add, we're most definitely not having a big wedding --- lest you think I'm staying with someone just for the sake of having "a big day", just to clarify 'cuz I noticed you mentioned "huge wedding" in your post. We're basically eloping. I'm definitely not one of "those girls" who loves the wedding more than the spouse.

Thanks again!

Well said, Acetylene. Twinkle, maybe a good idea for you and your man (as a small pipette of water for this little match) would be to read "The Five Love Languages" book, or "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" (actually quite effective in changing gender-ingrained communication patterns).

Twinkle, it sounds like you (and this thread) really opened a chasm in him, and I am SOO very glad you were able to communicate on this issue... as much as you downplay it, we all know how important it is for someone to make an effort to meet you where your needs are. It is crucial that your partners knows (or is willing to learn) exactly how to make you feel most loved and adored. You are on your way!! Let us know how it goes. :thumbsup: :)

twinkle: grow some balls. If he hasn't caught on by now, it's not going to happen. Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

EULA needs a hug. Or, to read the entire thread so he/she/it knows what's going on before commenting.

He's been doing great. For example, I left for work the other day, and as I was walking across the parking lot to my car, my cel rang. It was my fiance, and he said "look up!" and I did and he was on the balcony of our apartment, waving. And he said "I just wanted to say, you look great today. Love you!" I thought that was quite romantic. He's a lot more verbal and stuff, and it's great, and it's coming out very naturally. I guess he was just repressing it.

:)

no such thing as perfect.

and yes, that comes from a Virgo.


other than that, spot-on, sweetpea.

'perfect-enough' is a good idea(l)...

hehe perfect is a subjective term :)

i'd go with 'somewhat perfect' :)

Sweetpea

Twinkle, i'm happy to hear this! Good job of communicating your needs!! Looks like you're getting the compliments and affection you deserve! :) :thumbsup:

keep us posted!! :icare:

Sweetpea

Does anyone else see a sickness in the constant need for validation?

woah.

EULA, you could use a lesson in tact.

sickness, constant, need. those are strong words.



Now ...

I can see your point, and perhaps agree with it to a certain extent...a constant need for validation would definitely be a problem.
an occasional desire for validation is, only human.

there is a difference.

one should probably not see things as more extreme than they are.

Who has a constant need for validation? Not me. I just want my fiance to compliment me once in a while. How anyone could think there's something wrong to want affection from one's life mate, I can't fathom.

EULA, medically speaking, you're a bit of an asshole.

Agreed. EULA's clearly got an axe to grind.

On better notes - twinkle, I am SO SO SO SO glad to be wrong!! I apologize. I clearly underestimated your fiance, and I am delighted that he's starting to get it.
Congratulations, good work, and good luck!! Please post once in a while with some of those great moments - reading about it makes me smile big. :D

Hell has frozen over - I'm glad to be wrong! :lol:

He's a shmuck. It is a dealbreaker. You need to experience a relationship with someone who tells you how beautiful you are, how good it feels to touch you, how soft your skin is, how sexy your body is, etc. etc....and then you will understand how shitty it is to be with someone who can't even barely muster a 'you look nice.' The hinch is, that if you talk about it with him...and he just starts saying compliments to say them and without really thinking/feeling them...then it is worse than if he didn't say them at all. Find someone who not only thinks them, but is able to express them to you as well. It will raise your self esteem and improve your sex life.

Woohoo, I feel all helpful :D good luck, twinkle!

*Rhapsody*, read the whole thread, plz.

The majority of you are so helpful and nurturing, and unfortunately, it makes the few who are on the bitterness kick stick out so much more.

Thanks to everyone who helped, especially Acetylene. I'm putting you on retainer :)

I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally.

Those who avoid painful truths will eventually be destroyed by them.

Just a note: Is one of the mods going to dicipline EULA for the totally misdrected comments s/he is making? They're offensive and mean, and certanily not called for.

twinkle, I've been reading this thread through out it's progression and wanting to know more before I've commented. I think I've read enough to make a valid comment at this point. It's fantastic that you've talked to your fiancee about how you feel, because it's important that you feel special but it's also important in the long run to make it clear how you feel and when you feel you haven't gotten enough of (insert item here), or when you've been done wrong. Congrats! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. We were friends for 6 years prior to our dating. I personally have found it hard to adjust to giving him compliments (the way I believe your fiancee has had difficulty adjusting) because personally I don't come from a backround of complimenting people, as well as being complimented. I think when he came home on leave in May we finally got over that akwardness, we're starting to compliment each other without it feeling weird. I'm glad you are able to stand up for yourself, and see that just because you talk about it once doesn't mean that they'll remember. Men and women alike tend to need to be reminded of these things despite the fact that we feel like we're nagging them. :) Best of Luck!

Hmmm...checking back in.

twinkle: I'm glad y'all have made some headway on this issue. While I doubt very seriously this will be last time the issue will come up - learned behaviors are difficult to modify, etc - I certainly am glad to hear that y'all were able to talk. You seem happy with the current status, and afterall relationships are constantly in a state of construction, so to speak.

Re: EULA: Ignore him/she/it. The comment "I am a gentlemen. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally." is so irrational it can only be trolling.

This is a tough one.

And without writing a novel of background information, I am a little bit in the same boat as you with my wife of 9 years. I would be very happy if we were still in the can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other part of the relationship and she has backed off from that.

So I agonized for a long time (years) what I could do about it, what does it mean, does she not love me, does she not find me attractive, does she not ... does she not.... blah blah. We've talked about it and generally the most I can get is an 'I don't know' from her.

So anyway... I decided I'm going to stop letting my confidence and esteem rest with her acceptance (my definition of her acceptance, to be completely clear), and find acceptance in myself, of myself.

I still love her, she still thrills me, and we still have a pretty good sex life (albeit a bit one-sided for the most part). And I'm positive she still loves me. I've just stopped putting my requirements on her expressions of her love.

Sure, sure, I slip back into it from time to time, but for the most part it has unburdened me.

Edit: Doh, just realized I only read the first page of the thread. Sorry.

I think that you might expect too much out of him. You're being really defensive on this forum about why you feel you need this attention which has me wondering a bit. I don't understand why you're getting married if there is a problem such as this, which can turn into something huge. My husband's not a sentimental/romantic guy, but then again I knew that when I married him and I don't expect compliments all of the time. I'm secure enough in myself to know what I am and who I am.

My point is this: Don't rely on others to assure you in who you are. Rely on yourself.

did you read this thread? or are blanket statements your game?

Irrational? I got a book for you to read: A World Waiting To Be Born. Ever heard of that saying, "Real friends stab you in the front."?
Yes.

Yes, irrational. Gentlemen do not hurt people unintentionally is simply foolish to say. They do it all the time. Everyone does it all the time. You can't control other's reactions to your actions, thus you have no control how it makes them feel, thus the notion that somehow you (if you are, indeed a gentleman - somewhat of a dubious claim given the nature of your responses in this thread) never unintentionally hurt anyone's feelings is absurd.

mild edit: This whole point is only mildly related to the actual content of this thread. Sorry for the threadjack. I have no particular intention to pursue any further. However, EULA if the point is something you wish to follow up on, please feel free to start a thread on it.

Complimenting others but not complimenting you is a bit wrong but I think the frequency of compliments between partners matters differently to different individuals & you can't assume that "frequently" is always considered a good thing. I personally have a partner that compliments me on a daily basis & I HATE it.
"Why?" you ask? Because it loses its meaning. It loses it's logic. It reminds me of a friend I had that would always say "thankyou". At first I thought she was exceptionally polite, but as time went on I realised she had almost been conditioned to say "thankyou" at all costs. I realised that saying "thankyou" had become an automated response and thus its meaning had become worthless - there was no "thanks" in the heart.

I'd rather be told I look attractive because I had "dressed up" for an occasion, than to be told such a thing, by default, on a daily basis "just because".

true, but if the compliment is from the heart and true, then i dont see a problem. example: my gf loves when i say nice things and i only say em when it's the truth and when i mean it. but since i always find her beautiful, it's never a lie for me to tell her everyday. i agree that it might loose a bit of it's "special" feeling by saying it too much but i dont care anymore about that.

Ok, I have a similar situation, but I've learned to turn it into a productive way. My boyfriend is not one to really compliment anyone, so if I ever get the insecure itch I ask him pointblank what he thinks. It's not that he's never complimented me or that I really need him to do it on a daily basis. So by asking him directly I've found out that he refrains from complimenting me on my looks bc he thinks i'll get a " big head " from too much of it. But when it really counts and he knows it's a serious matter he's never let me down. I guess that doesn't really help you that much, but it's a way that may help you address issue.