Enigma5656

Before i get started, i'd love some feedback from the ladies to see if they have a different perspective than what i'm seeing And i'll apologize ahead of time for not posting here very often, hehe.

Anyways, my girlfriend and I, lets call her Stacey, have been together for about 6 months or so. I am a senior in college and will be graduating in 2 weeks time. She is a freshman just finishing up her first year, so there is a three year difference (22 and 19). Anyways, Stacey has always been fairly clingy, but its gotten a little worse in recent weeks. She gets really sad if she cant see me every day, and tends to be very emotional and vocal when i cant hang out with her. Her and I are on very good terms communication wise, and i do love her and do see that she is a good person underneath. Unfortunately, being new to college, she doesnt have many friends. She isnt very confident in herself either, and it seems like she needs me to help her feel good about herself.

Anyhow, my problem is that it is becoming very stressful for me to be around her, when all she does is get upset about how we wont be able to see eachother for a long time (i'm going out of town for 3 weeks). I guess i'm wondering if you all have any ideas as to how i can improve my/our situation? It just doesnt seem healthy that she always wants to spend time with me...sometimes i just feel kind of trapped, you know? Stacey always tells me that "seeing you is the only thing i have to look forward to." She is a great person though, and i know that this is definately worth working out.

Thanks!

maleficent

You are right, it's not healthy.

She's getting all her self worth from you, and that's a bad situation to be in. You are heading out into the real world, and are not going to have time to babysit her fragile ego.

Clingy people tend to stay that way until they are given the kick in the ass that they need. Sounds like you've always been available to her, and she's had no reason to go out and try to find her own friends, and her own interests.

She needs to find something that she can do for herself, some club, or hobby or something that she can get out on her own, and not sit and be depressed waiting for you to come back.

Feeling good about yourself, comes from within yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone says to you, unless you feel it for yourself, it's just words. She's got to find that.

Feeling trapped on your end, will probably turn into anger and obligation later, which won't be fun for you and just makes the relationship all the harder.

SInce you are comfortable talking to her... Do that... Tell her how you feel... And what you would like to happen (Figure that out first) Her expecting to spend every day wth you is totally unreasonable, and her saying that you are the only thing she has to look forward to, is unhealthy.

Good luck..

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KinkyKiwi

^ listen to mal..shes the smartest girl on here

and maybe if you like helped her find some other people to be around? because i was really clingy toward my SO and he didnt have the time that i felt i needed...he pretty much pushed me to find other people to be around..even suggested he find people...it took that kinda poke to make me start making plans with other people and being more social...

good luck *hugs*

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Cimarron29414

I feel for you, man. This is just a difficult situation. No way around that. I guess I would like to know what your "plans" are after you graduate and she is still at school? That would help me with my advice...

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maxhooters

mal is right listen to her.

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Seeker

mal hit the nail, right on the head.
I remember being like that. I knew it was unhealthy and wished desperately for years that the 'umbilical cord' be cut. I hated how I felt when my SO was not around, but I hated equally the pressure I was putting on him. Just being aware of it didn't help either - I personally had to go to the other extreme to come back to centre.

I separated from the relationship for about a year, then came back once I had my self-worth in place. I don't have the desperate need for him anymore (confusing because this was what I thought love was all about), but he is a person I like, admire and respect... that is why we are together now, not because I *need* him.

I'm not saying this is what she must do, I'm just giving you my experience to draw from. Possibly you could approach your three week trip as a time for her to tackle this issue...

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Acetylene

Geez, you sound exactly like my roommate. She's been through 4 different men in the time I've known her, and driven every single one away because she whines and clings so much.

Sorry to be discouraging, but it's possible she is so wrapped up in her relationships with men that she has no other identity. It could take a looooong time for her to develope one of her own.

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Samalie

I agree, its not really healthy.

I travel some with work, sometimes up to 3-4 weeks at a stretch, and my wife is fine with it. Well, obviously she'd rather hav me around and such, but its a part of my job and we get through the absences.

IMHO she's showing alot of jealousy & possibly thinks you might have something on the side.

I'd personally say to do your best in talking with her, and assuring her that you do love her. Beyond that, its her own insecurity, and if she can't handle being apart a bit, she just might not be the right girl for you.

Sammy

Sage

I think she's just young, and is enamored with dating a senior. She wants to be around you all the time, because you are the thing that's giving her self-worth. She's a freshman, straight outta high school, and we all know how hard it is to be accepted in high school. She's probably so clingy because you're the first person who's loved her for who she really is. Tell her how you feel, and encourage her to go to other school functions without you.

On the other hand, she could just be expressing latient psychotic features, and plans on killing you in your sleep. Talk to her!

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bendsley

I agree with Mal too. Heed what she says.

Also, it's "anyway", not "anyway's". Anyway is a preposition and they cannot be plural. Sorry, thats the grammar cop in me.

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lindseylatch

Oregonians (including myself) say anyways...and thataway (which I don't say). They even have it on signs, like at the airport. Drives my mom INSANE.

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akito

I wholely agree with what Mal has already said. Just a thing or two to add on:

First off, she's obviously centering herself around you. You're her world. You have to also take that into consideration so you dont go smashing it down. Be careful with your words, because my guess is she's going to be fragile in hearing what you have to say.

Also, as has already been said, just talk to her. You said you have a great communication foundation in your relationship, so use that. It's the only true way things can possibly work out for the best for both of you.

Enigma5656

Hey guys,

Thank you so much for your feeback. I did talk with her today, and we both agreed to pretty much what Mal has stated. She took it quite well, actually. I want to be a part of her life, but i dont want to be her life. I guess that it does complicate things that i am graduating, and she isnt. (we are both in the same major (aerospace engineering), so she is intesely jealous that i've already gone through all the hell that will be her next 2 years, hehe). Chances are that i'll still be living fairly close to her, even once i graduate.

Anyhow i guess my ultimate goal in strengthening our relationship is to be able to put myself in her shoes, and sort of see where she is coming from emotionally and such, therby being able to cheer her up when she is feeling down, etc. In some ways Stacey is hard-headed in that she wont go ask for help when she needs it (we're pretty sure she has adult ADD), and that in general getting bad grades is really hard on her. So aside from getting her ADD treated, is there any way i can help shore up her emotional fragility that comes with being in not-so-fun classes, and being generally self concious about how she preforms in school? Its just hard/stressful to see the one i love putting herself down, and making herself think that she sucks at life. Thanks again guys, you are much more supportive than i had even though capable! *hug* yes, thats right....i'm a guy saying *hug*. Deal with it

~Ian

maleficent

First the tough love portion of our program:
It's not up to you to shore up her fragility, she's got to find that from within herself. There's a little book, that I've mentioned here more than once, and I seriously need to read it again myself because I have huge problems with self consciousness -- but it's called The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a wonderful little book that basically is designed to show a person why they should stop putting themself down.

Has she considered that maybe Aerospace Engineering isn't for her? If she's struggling in her first year, it's honestly only going to get worse. The work will get harder and the professors less forgiving, maybe she should sit down iwth her advisor and pick out a program that is better suited to her for now, and when she finds herself, then move back into it. I fear that she'd only be setting herself up to fail.

OK - now the advice you asked for.
She MUST find something that she does for her, that she's good at and makes her feel good. It might be going for a 2 mile run, a good sweaty work out, a club, playing a sport, something that she can look forward to and gives her a boost. Once she finds one thing that she's good at... that little bit of confidence will build and she'll believe that she's good at other things.

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chickentribs

We're all just phoning it in after Mal says all the right things... It's probably telling that you are even asking about what you need to do to shore up her weakness - you're in a Parent-Child relationship, not a romantic one. The best thing you can do for her and yourself is treat her as an equal, and give her the responsibility to solve the problems she has just like you have done. She will either mature and handle things as an adult and get strong - or she will run off to find another "Parent". Either way, you come out ahead with your energy focused on your new career, not on all of her problems.

You may want to look at your past relationships, and if they have all been with such dependant people think about why that is. It took me a while to get out of that repeating cycle myself...

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