Rules for a long-distance break-up?
 

Okay okay, I am resolute in that I will break up with my girlfriend.

She is currently about 200 miles away.

I have my own ideas, but I want to hear what other people think is more proper and polite. Remember that I wish to keep civil relations with this girl if possible, so none of the silly "Just fuck her sister" replies, please.

Preference #1: This would be the ideal situation, I think. Me driving there to break up with her. I tried this. It didn't really work, as she is living with her parents and they were around all the time.

Preference #2: I guess the second option would be to wait for her to come visit me and then break her the news. So far this seems to be the most plausible solution.

Any other ideas?

Don't make her drive 200 miles home after you've broken up with her. Do it over the phone. IMHO

I tried the "sit on it until you can do it face-to-face" option once. Only resulted in her getting pissed that I wasn't honest with her... phone is good. But then, I don't know your gf...

Honesty is best. Why should either of you travel 200 miles for an avoidance situation. If you don't have what it takes to tell her in person, at least save her the trip.

I agree. Do it over the phone. As for keeping "civil relations" with her, by which I assume you mean friendship, well, fact is, it's entirely likely that you'll never see or speak to each other again. Even if you did, former couples just aren't good at being friends. Don't get your hopes up.

I agree with the first part of HFrankenstein's post, but in re: a *civil relationship,* after some time has passed and both of you have gone on to date other people, I can't see why it's impossible to be friends.

It depends on how serious they were. If they were in love with each other, being friends will be difficult, since the attachment that they have to each other will never fade completely. I never said it was impossible, though. I have an ex whom I was madly in love with many long years ago. I still have slight feelings for her, and probably always will, but she continues to be one of the best woman friends I have. Stranger things have happened.

You have to do it face to face...The sooner the better...No reason to string her along and make her believe you are still interested in her.

Phone, definetly the phone.

But I do agree with Melun Jinn, breaking up because of distance IS a stupid reason. Me and my Girl are about 15 hundred K's away from each other. And we're still goin strong. But also is there is a Valid reason, don't be a barstard and wait for her to drive to you.

But if she does drive the distance AFTER you've told her, she's either wants to reconcile or is carrying a big gun :D

Either go see her, or do it over the phone. Don't make her drive her ass all the way to you just to get dumped. And don't use e-mail either.

If she is loyal to you, you probably owe it to her to drive down and do it in person. It's the least you can do is be there to hug her when you break her heart.

For the record, I'm not breaking up with her because of distance :P

It seems that I may happen to be in her area this weekend doing stuff with my roommate, so I'm going to call her and see about taking her out for dinner or something. I think then I can break it to her.

If the trip doesn't happen, I suppose I'll be calling her.

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I lasted a year and a half with someone 800 miles away.

in the end, the distance didn't bother me, but I was tired of ignoring all the things that I disliked about her because we only got 1 weekend every 3 weeks. In the end, I broke up with her on the phone.

I think she deserves you driving to her. In person, she can ask all the questions she has, you'll feel like you made the right decision because you will experience her as just a friend in person for the last time. I think that helps the closure. You'llr emeber her as the girl you drove away from, and the 3 hours of driving will give you time to internalize all that went down.

Plus, you'll really like the fact that's it's the last time you have to drive all that f^&*ing distance.

good luck.

now I am worried

You have nothing to be worried about!

You need to deal with ending a relationship based on what level the relationship had progressed to.If it was just email and IM then you could end it that way,if the phone was involved you can do it via phone but if face to face contact happened on a regular basis in real time then you owe her the respect and courtesy of ending things face to face.

I agree about not making her drive back. You gotta go there or do it over the phone.

What about taking her out of their house, for a walk or something (don't take her to restaurant or anywhere that she might be especting a special night or something romantic!)?

I agree with all those who have said you should do it face to face, but as Suvi said, don't get her hopes up for the evening.
And make sure you won't be interrupted.

And if (when) she cries, if you hug her and she tries something, be firm :)

you have a blessing most other men don't have. you're 200 miles away from the woman you want to break up with... lots of other men have to deal with seeing her again here and there and the possibility of mutual friends who will have to take sides. with that kind of separation, i'm sure you don't have quite that many problems.

i say do it as soon as you can and do it while separated... two reasons:

first, your ass is protected from a whompin or at the very least feeling bad from watching her cry. that sucks, but when a breakup has to happen, it just has to happen.

second, it keeps things impersonal and lets you both get on with your lives alot easier. its' so much simpler to hang up a phone than drive 200 miles full of regrets and anger and sorrow and all that other shite that happens at the end of a relationship.

this is something that needs to be done quickly, and i think it will be best for you both if you do it with 200 miles of phone line inbetween you. i garuntee, if you really aren't looking to continue this relationship, it'll make a whole lot more sense five years from now than driving all the way out there just to tell her that would've.

I was thinking about the same thing as phred said, but felt like being an asshole if I'd said that out loud. I had a long-distance relationship years ago and was sick in hospital all xmas and bed patient at home all new year holidays and couldn't travel to see him and he didn't come see me. Then when I got better he broke off over the phone & Net and it wasn't a big suprise. If she thinks you two are doing ok, start calming things and don't do anything that she might grab and say "but just a few weeks ago you were still givng good night kisses over the phone!" I don't know your reasons, but if you want to keep it civilized, give her the reasons you want to break off and try to make her see that this wasn't the best relationship for her either.

If she hadn't yet planned to marry you in few years and have kids and the whole deal and has normal level of selfrespect, she will be sad but get over it. Don't try to be friends really with her before she has found someone new. Then she might boast a bit about her new bf being good in this and that (in which you sucked), but take it like a man: now she's grown over you. :)

I was in a relationship for 4 years.. 3 of which were long distance... When it came time for us to break up (we tried everything to not), the phone was the wa y to do it. That way you aren't looking at the person, but are at home in a comfortable setting.