A couple related topics - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

simivin · 03-30-2005, 03:36 PM

So I recently started dating an incredible girl. Beautiful, a sweetheart, great sexually, and someone I am comfortable with. Honestly, I think there is definite potential here. Now on to the couple related topics/questions

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1) She is 19 years old and has had a lot more experience with sex than me -- she lost her virginity before high school. However, I don't think that she has been promiscuous, but just had sex with people she seriously dated. I, on the other hand, am 21 years old and just recently lost my virginity to her.

Besides just getting used to the distance and the initial excitement of the relationship, sometimes I find myself ruminating about the fact that she's already had sex and that I'm not her first. Or that she compares me to her previous lovers. Or that basically anything we do she's already done before and with someone else. Or that she has so many more years experience than me, even though she's younger.

I would guess that some of this may just be natural thoughts, and in all honesty, the rational side of me knows that this isn't a big deal -- that she loves me now and that's what's important, and that she wants to share herself with me. Furthermore, I know that she could think similar things about me and the stuff I've done with other girls (even though not sex). There's no way I want such neuroticism to mess up this relationship, because she's too great, and I think it will probably dissipate with time, but I was just wondering if other people have dealt with the same thoughts and how they did so.

2) So I had sex with the girl recently, and it was my first time. We had sex two or three times almost everday thereafter. Problem is, I didn't come every time, and sometimes because soft far sooner than usual. I'm in pretty good shape, generally have what I would think is a good sex drive, but I just wasn't coming all that often. I could still make her come, so I was at least doing that, but needless to say it was embarassing and frustrating for me. Even now that I'm back home, I feel like my sex drive is thrown a little out of whack, which is somewhat strange.

Is this normal after waiting so long to have sex for the first time? It sounds like most people tend to come too soon, but I guess I have the opposite problem. And I'm afraid that it has damaged my confidence, which could only make things work if I'm nervous or worried about it. I enjoy having sex with her and just want my usual libido and sex drive back so we can enjoy it even more. Any thoughts? And any thoughts about what I could do to fix it before I see her again?

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Ok, so those are a couple things on my mind. I'd truly appreciate anyone's advice and help. I already love this girl and I don't want to mess things up because of my own, stupid worries and I'd like to do well in bed. Thanks a lot --

simivin · 03-30-2005, 03:39 PM

And just as a follow-on, her and I have talked about the first point some already, since we are open with one another. I guess I'm just trying to get some other folks' thoughts, maybe someone who's had a little anxiety about the same things. Thanks again.

kramus · 03-30-2005, 03:45 PM

You don't have to come every time. That concern of yours turns an act of mutual togetherness into something else. Ignore the dialogue inside your head and just enjoy the sliding around with your girl. It becomes a concern if you find you only come when you masturbate ... and before you get that far tell her you want to go down on her while you do masturbate - when it's time to come up for air show her the money shot

As for being concerned about being the rookie - just say thanks guys for training up the best ride of your life and enjoy what you've got for heavens sake!

simivin · 03-31-2005, 11:48 AM

Thanks...I do think that a large part of my problem is that I think too much. With her, I just want to enjoy what we have together.

Anything else from anyone, before this thread falls by the wayside?

abaya · 03-31-2005, 12:37 PM

My bf and I had issues like this for a while... maybe he's more qualified to answer your question. Personally, I don't really have a problem with the occasional going-soft, and when we first started having sex I think both of us were semi-nervous, so it happened more often (and I also didn't get wet all the time, and it hurt a bit). So I think it's really just normal.

Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters.

Rinndalir · 03-31-2005, 01:03 PM

Yeah the first girl I ever had sex with, when we first started doing it and it was all new to me, sometimes I'd have trouble cumming or go soft during the act. It was all nerves I'm sure. Now my wife turns me on so much that I cum too fast, she knows exactly what to do to make me blow almost instantly.

As for the experience, when I first got a bj from my wife I was blown away, she was 100x better at it than any other girl I had been with. And I know she didn't just instantly get that good upon sucking my cock for the first time, or learn how to fuck like a nympho by sleeping with me. When I was your age it probably would have bothered me, but it's really no big deal, the sooner you get over it the better. I used to have this thing about, every girl I slept with had to be a virgin or I'd get really upset thinking about what they had done before me, till I realized how fucking silly that is.

wombatman · 03-31-2005, 01:19 PM

Just so you know, the second time I had sex (was also the second time with my first & still current gf), I didn't come either. 2 and a half hours later, we had to stop because she was too tired to go on (a dozen+ orgasms will do I think). So don't worry about it, since I wasn't rock hard during that session either. Just keep going and if you want to stop thinking so much, immerse yourself in the visual/aural/vocal reactions she's giving to the sex. You said that she's getting off, so she is almost certainly going to making some noise/face/something that shows that. It might grow to be something you love to see, as it is for me.

Summary: Don't worry about it. Try new stuff and revel in the fun of it.

c172g · 03-31-2005, 01:31 PM

My wife & I both had previous sex partners. My wife had primarily boyfriends that she had sex with (as oppposed to a string of one night stands), pretty much the same for me (girlfriends before anyone gets the wrong idea). Neither one of us had one night stands, although two of my previous partners were kind of one night stands that turned into a little more than that.

We live in a small town, and I know three of her old boyfriends and see two of them regularly. She was good friends with my ex (who loved to discuss sex in great detail with all of her girlfriends) and we had some really unleashed sex, I'm sure my wife has heard explicit detail of a lot of it. We knew each other for years before we started dating as well, as she went out with a friend of mine for 5 years.

As for your question regarding your thoughts on her previous sexual escapades, I don't think you'd be considered normal if that didn't bother you a little bit. Sex is for the most part a private thing & others have been there before you. I guess I look at it like this...what my wife did with other guys is what put her in front of me at the time we started dating.

I think about it as well, I'm sure my wife does too. Grin & bear it if it's someone you want to continue on with. What she did before you came along had nothing to do with you & it makes her who she is.

My wife & I discuss past relationships occasionally, and yep, it gets my blood flowing thinking of what they did together, but I wasn't in the picture then, so I forget about it. If she was cheating on you it would be a whole different story. You get to worry about what happened from the time you started dating & that's it. Anything prior is really had nothing to do with you.

As for your other problem, I've never had sex and not had an orgasm, except maybe a few times when we have sex, and go at it again ten minutes later.

Since you are new at sex (not that I'm any therapist) the biggest thing you can have is confidence. Don't fret the small stuff, be vocal about what you like & ask what she likes. Enjoy yourself. Experiment!

skier · 03-31-2005, 02:06 PM

I guess i'm just in general agreement with the others. Have fun with sex. So what if either of you don't cum? Sure, it's a nice part of sex, but it's not needed for both of you to have a good time. Just don't worry, and celebrate the fact that you can share something special with your SO. Celebrate, man! Over and over again!

Johnny Rotten · 03-31-2005, 07:13 PM

It's the journey, man, not the destination. It's perfectly normal to not come the first several times you have sex, as well as not being able to get it up in the first place. The most important thing is open communication--talking about what you like, her talking about what she likes. Often just talking about it can lead in some interesting directions, so use that as an incentive. And I agree with Abaya--once you get started, stop thinking. It's all about the sense of touch, her smell, her sounds...

Cimarron29414 · 03-31-2005, 10:17 PM

Is this girlfriend of yours a good conversationalist? Do the conversations you have with her enhance your relationship? Do you ever wonder how she got to be a good conversationalist? Do you get jealous of the other people that she has spoken with in order to become a good conversationalist? Do you get my point?

Everything that she has done in life prior to meeting you created the person that she is - the person that you love. So, how can any of those things be bad? Would you rather they hadn't happened? I doubt it, because then she wouldn't be the person you met and love.

The going limp thing is entirely from thinking too much, probably related to the first point you made.

bubonico · 03-31-2005, 11:49 PM

It’s hard for me to comment without feeling like I’m just agreeing with everybody else but I’m going to give it a shot. First off I think it’s normal for you to be bothered if you think about past sexual experiences your girlfriend has had. At least, the same thing happens to me, and I’m in a similar boat. I’m 22 gf is 19 and she was more sexually experienced than I when we got together. I know it’s irrational to get upset about it, but that doesn’t necessarily make it abnormal. Men are competitive by nature, these sort of things are just natural. I think it would be a problem if you ever took it out on her or made her feel bad about it though. As long as you deal with it in a healthy manner it shouldn’t ever be a problem. When my girl and I were first together it came up once or twice, I’d be honest with her and tell her how I felt of course. That just makes her feel bad so I try to avoid the subject whenever it seems like it could come up, I really don’t want my irrational masculine thoughts to affect the one I love in a negative manner. I definitely think that you shouldn’t try to compare yourself to her past lovers or anything. She’s not with those people any more for a reason. Women want a lot more out of a man than somebody who can just pound the shit out of them for an hour with a giant donkey cock. She probably enjoys the fact that you are a virgin. Besides you don’t seem to have any problems with longevity. That brings me to your second point. I don’t really know what to say about that. I tend to have the opposite problem if I’m not careful. I think your problem, if you even want to call it that will subside as you relax and get used to the whole act of love making. It’s probably anxiety related or something. Do you think about whether or not you are going to be able to cum when you are making love? I’d say that’s probably a bad idea you should just focus on being intimate and enjoy yourself. The fact that you all communicate so well should allow you to overcome any sort of problems you may have. Talk about what you both enjoy in bed. I find that if I focus on what my lover enjoys it helps me to relax.

2sheds · 04-01-2005, 10:56 AM

the very first time i had sex with my (ex) wife, the first time i came real quick and the second time i didn't come at all just went until we were both exhausted.

<comicBookGuy>best... sex... evar!</comicBookGuy>

don't try to over-analyze it - just go with it!

questone · 04-15-2005, 09:11 PM

Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters.

NoSoup · 04-18-2005, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

-snip-
Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by questone

Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters

You folks must definately be on the same wavelength...

abaya · 04-18-2005, 10:01 AM

^^ WTF?? That's freakin' weird, man. Are we going to start needing bibliography/Works Cited pages for TFP?

tuner · 04-18-2005, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by simivin

I find myself ruminating about the fact that she's already had sex and that I'm not her first. Or that she compares me to her previous lovers. Or that basically anything we do she's already done before and with someone else. Or that she has so many more years experience than me, even though she's younger.

Chasing Amy.

NoSoup · 04-18-2005, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

^^ WTF?? That's freakin' weird, man. Are we going to start needing bibliography/Works Cited pages for TFP?

Of Course not...

© by NoSoup
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April 18, 2005
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iblade · 11-16-2005, 11:14 PM

Reading your post, I must say I found myself in the same situation as you. I think it is perfectly normal to not be able to come the first times. It was the same for me. I believe it could be because we are too physically used to masturbation. Anyways, I got used to it, through, may I say, training?

Concerning the experience problem, she may have had previous lovers, but there are certainly ways in which you can make love to her that no one has done before... I'm not talking about positions our accessories here. I'm talking about the fact that you are different form others, and that you must use and emphasize that difference.

My girlfrien is 8 years older than me, she was my first, and yet I managed to make her discover things in the bedroom (probably also due to cultural differences). Anyways, good luck...

03-30-2005, 03:36 PM	#1 (permalink)
simivin Banned	A couple related topics So I recently started dating an incredible girl. Beautiful, a sweetheart, great sexually, and someone I am comfortable with. Honestly, I think there is definite potential here. Now on to the couple related topics/questions -------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) She is 19 years old and has had a lot more experience with sex than me -- she lost her virginity before high school. However, I don't think that she has been promiscuous, but just had sex with people she seriously dated. I, on the other hand, am 21 years old and just recently lost my virginity to her. Besides just getting used to the distance and the initial excitement of the relationship, sometimes I find myself ruminating about the fact that she's already had sex and that I'm not her first. Or that she compares me to her previous lovers. Or that basically anything we do she's already done before and with someone else. Or that she has so many more years experience than me, even though she's younger. I would guess that some of this may just be natural thoughts, and in all honesty, the rational side of me knows that this isn't a big deal -- that she loves me now and that's what's important, and that she wants to share herself with me. Furthermore, I know that she could think similar things about me and the stuff I've done with other girls (even though not sex). There's no way I want such neuroticism to mess up this relationship, because she's too great, and I think it will probably dissipate with time, but I was just wondering if other people have dealt with the same thoughts and how they did so. 2) So I had sex with the girl recently, and it was my first time. We had sex two or three times almost everday thereafter. Problem is, I didn't come every time, and sometimes because soft far sooner than usual. I'm in pretty good shape, generally have what I would think is a good sex drive, but I just wasn't coming all that often. I could still make her come, so I was at least doing that, but needless to say it was embarassing and frustrating for me. Even now that I'm back home, I feel like my sex drive is thrown a little out of whack, which is somewhat strange. Is this normal after waiting so long to have sex for the first time? It sounds like most people tend to come too soon, but I guess I have the opposite problem. And I'm afraid that it has damaged my confidence, which could only make things work if I'm nervous or worried about it. I enjoy having sex with her and just want my usual libido and sex drive back so we can enjoy it even more. Any thoughts? And any thoughts about what I could do to fix it before I see her again? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok, so those are a couple things on my mind. I'd truly appreciate anyone's advice and help. I already love this girl and I don't want to mess things up because of my own, stupid worries and I'd like to do well in bed. Thanks a lot --

03-30-2005, 03:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
kramus loving the curves Location: my Lady's manor	You don't have to come every time. That concern of yours turns an act of mutual togetherness into something else. Ignore the dialogue inside your head and just enjoy the sliding around with your girl. It becomes a concern if you find you only come when you masturbate ... and before you get that far tell her you want to go down on her while you do masturbate - when it's time to come up for air show her the money shot As for being concerned about being the rookie - just say thanks guys for training up the best ride of your life and enjoy what you've got for heavens sake! __________________ And now to disengage the clutch of the forebrain ... I'm going with this - if you like artwork visit http://markfineart.ca

03-31-2005, 12:37 PM	#5 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	My bf and I had issues like this for a while... maybe he's more qualified to answer your question. Personally, I don't really have a problem with the occasional going-soft, and when we first started having sex I think both of us were semi-nervous, so it happened more often (and I also didn't get wet all the time, and it hurt a bit). So I think it's really just normal. Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-31-2005, 02:06 PM	#9 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	I guess i'm just in general agreement with the others. Have fun with sex. So what if either of you don't cum? Sure, it's a nice part of sex, but it's not needed for both of you to have a good time. Just don't worry, and celebrate the fact that you can share something special with your SO. Celebrate, man! Over and over again! __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

03-31-2005, 07:13 PM	#10 (permalink)
Johnny Rotten lost and found Location: Berkeley	It's the journey, man, not the destination. It's perfectly normal to not come the first several times you have sex, as well as not being able to get it up in the first place. The most important thing is open communication--talking about what you like, her talking about what she likes. Often just talking about it can lead in some interesting directions, so use that as an incentive. And I agree with Abaya--once you get started, stop thinking. It's all about the sense of touch, her smell, her sounds... __________________ "The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

03-30-2005, 03:39 PM	#2 (permalink)
simivin Banned	And just as a follow-on, her and I have talked about the first point some already, since we are open with one another. I guess I'm just trying to get some other folks' thoughts, maybe someone who's had a little anxiety about the same things. Thanks again.

03-31-2005, 11:48 AM	#4 (permalink)
simivin Banned	Thanks...I do think that a large part of my problem is that I think too much. With her, I just want to enjoy what we have together. Anything else from anyone, before this thread falls by the wayside?

03-31-2005, 01:03 PM	#6 (permalink)
Rinndalir Insane	Yeah the first girl I ever had sex with, when we first started doing it and it was all new to me, sometimes I'd have trouble cumming or go soft during the act. It was all nerves I'm sure. Now my wife turns me on so much that I cum too fast, she knows exactly what to do to make me blow almost instantly. As for the experience, when I first got a bj from my wife I was blown away, she was 100x better at it than any other girl I had been with. And I know she didn't just instantly get that good upon sucking my cock for the first time, or learn how to fuck like a nympho by sleeping with me. When I was your age it probably would have bothered me, but it's really no big deal, the sooner you get over it the better. I used to have this thing about, every girl I slept with had to be a virgin or I'd get really upset thinking about what they had done before me, till I realized how fucking silly that is.

03-31-2005, 01:19 PM	#7 (permalink)
wombatman Insane	Just so you know, the second time I had sex (was also the second time with my first & still current gf), I didn't come either. 2 and a half hours later, we had to stop because she was too tired to go on (a dozen+ orgasms will do I think). So don't worry about it, since I wasn't rock hard during that session either. Just keep going and if you want to stop thinking so much, immerse yourself in the visual/aural/vocal reactions she's giving to the sex. You said that she's getting off, so she is almost certainly going to making some noise/face/something that shows that. It might grow to be something you love to see, as it is for me. Summary: Don't worry about it. Try new stuff and revel in the fun of it.

03-31-2005, 01:31 PM	#8 (permalink)
c172g Crazy Location: Michigan	My wife & I both had previous sex partners. My wife had primarily boyfriends that she had sex with (as oppposed to a string of one night stands), pretty much the same for me (girlfriends before anyone gets the wrong idea). Neither one of us had one night stands, although two of my previous partners were kind of one night stands that turned into a little more than that. We live in a small town, and I know three of her old boyfriends and see two of them regularly. She was good friends with my ex (who loved to discuss sex in great detail with all of her girlfriends) and we had some really unleashed sex, I'm sure my wife has heard explicit detail of a lot of it. We knew each other for years before we started dating as well, as she went out with a friend of mine for 5 years. As for your question regarding your thoughts on her previous sexual escapades, I don't think you'd be considered normal if that didn't bother you a little bit. Sex is for the most part a private thing & others have been there before you. I guess I look at it like this...what my wife did with other guys is what put her in front of me at the time we started dating. I think about it as well, I'm sure my wife does too. Grin & bear it if it's someone you want to continue on with. What she did before you came along had nothing to do with you & it makes her who she is. My wife & I discuss past relationships occasionally, and yep, it gets my blood flowing thinking of what they did together, but I wasn't in the picture then, so I forget about it. If she was cheating on you it would be a whole different story. You get to worry about what happened from the time you started dating & that's it. Anything prior is really had nothing to do with you. As for your other problem, I've never had sex and not had an orgasm, except maybe a few times when we have sex, and go at it again ten minutes later. Since you are new at sex (not that I'm any therapist) the biggest thing you can have is confidence. Don't fret the small stuff, be vocal about what you like & ask what she likes. Enjoy yourself. Experiment!

03-31-2005, 10:17 PM	#11 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Is this girlfriend of yours a good conversationalist? Do the conversations you have with her enhance your relationship? Do you ever wonder how she got to be a good conversationalist? Do you get jealous of the other people that she has spoken with in order to become a good conversationalist? Do you get my point? Everything that she has done in life prior to meeting you created the person that she is - the person that you love. So, how can any of those things be bad? Would you rather they hadn't happened? I doubt it, because then she wouldn't be the person you met and love. The going limp thing is entirely from thinking too much, probably related to the first point you made. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

03-31-2005, 11:49 PM	#12 (permalink)
bubonico Upright Location: Iraq :(	It’s hard for me to comment without feeling like I’m just agreeing with everybody else but I’m going to give it a shot. First off I think it’s normal for you to be bothered if you think about past sexual experiences your girlfriend has had. At least, the same thing happens to me, and I’m in a similar boat. I’m 22 gf is 19 and she was more sexually experienced than I when we got together. I know it’s irrational to get upset about it, but that doesn’t necessarily make it abnormal. Men are competitive by nature, these sort of things are just natural. I think it would be a problem if you ever took it out on her or made her feel bad about it though. As long as you deal with it in a healthy manner it shouldn’t ever be a problem. When my girl and I were first together it came up once or twice, I’d be honest with her and tell her how I felt of course. That just makes her feel bad so I try to avoid the subject whenever it seems like it could come up, I really don’t want my irrational masculine thoughts to affect the one I love in a negative manner. I definitely think that you shouldn’t try to compare yourself to her past lovers or anything. She’s not with those people any more for a reason. Women want a lot more out of a man than somebody who can just pound the shit out of them for an hour with a giant donkey cock. She probably enjoys the fact that you are a virgin. Besides you don’t seem to have any problems with longevity. That brings me to your second point. I don’t really know what to say about that. I tend to have the opposite problem if I’m not careful. I think your problem, if you even want to call it that will subside as you relax and get used to the whole act of love making. It’s probably anxiety related or something. Do you think about whether or not you are going to be able to cum when you are making love? I’d say that’s probably a bad idea you should just focus on being intimate and enjoy yourself. The fact that you all communicate so well should allow you to overcome any sort of problems you may have. Talk about what you both enjoy in bed. I find that if I focus on what my lover enjoys it helps me to relax. __________________ "People sleep peacably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf" -George Orwell

04-01-2005, 10:56 AM	#13 (permalink)
2sheds Crazy Location: dfw - texas	the very first time i had sex with my (ex) wife, the first time i came real quick and the second time i didn't come at all just went until we were both exhausted. <comicBookGuy>best... sex... evar!</comicBookGuy> don't try to over-analyze it - just go with it! __________________ Depression is just anger without enthusiasm. It’s having an empty beer bottle but no one to throw it at.

04-15-2005, 09:11 PM	#14 (permalink)
questone Crazy	Don't make the mistake I make ALL THE TIME of thinking too much!! Just turn off your brain and try to enjoy your time more, and unless there is something more deep-seated going on, the issues will resolve themselves as you relax more. Remember, even if she's been with other guys and you were a virgin, she's with you NOW, and that's what matters.

04-18-2005, 10:01 AM	#16 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	^^ WTF?? That's freakin' weird, man. Are we going to start needing bibliography/Works Cited pages for TFP? __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

11-16-2005, 11:14 PM	#19 (permalink)
iblade Crazy Location: Kyoto	Reading your post, I must say I found myself in the same situation as you. I think it is perfectly normal to not be able to come the first times. It was the same for me. I believe it could be because we are too physically used to masturbation. Anyways, I got used to it, through, may I say, training? Concerning the experience problem, she may have had previous lovers, but there are certainly ways in which you can make love to her that no one has done before... I'm not talking about positions our accessories here. I'm talking about the fact that you are different form others, and that you must use and emphasize that difference. My girlfrien is 8 years older than me, she was my first, and yet I managed to make her discover things in the bedroom (probably also due to cultural differences). Anyways, good luck... __________________ We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.