Just been cheated on, but I still love her
 

I've benn together with my girl 11 y., living together for the past 5... This week I discovered she cheated on me last week, when I confronted her she started telling me lies that never happened, but finnaly she told me all... kisses, hugging, and sex.... She told me was an impulse... not she regreats a lot, and wishes that it never happened...
I am so freaggin confused I want to stay with her, but I am so jealous NOW.... What suggestions do you have... HIT ME....

I take it you're not married? If not, be glad it happened before a marriage as opposed to after. I'd leave her.

I'm going to pull an Ann Landers here...

Are you better off with her or without her?

I hate to say it but if it were a one time thing, a regret and an accident, she'd have come to tell you rather than having you find out on your own.

There's a good chance that this isn't the only time and won't be the last, unless you can figure out why she's unhappy and fix it, or move to an open relationship, but if you're already jealous that isn't very likely.

Yeah, I live together, but not married..... She was all to me... but now... I mean, I can't even imagine she cheating on me.... And as far as I know it was the first and only time... by the way she met this guy a month ago, eat a snack on their first date, and that was it... she did it on the second....
I want to stay with her, but it doesnt seem "doable" right now, I mean, how could she, she tells me it was her fault, I asked her if I did something wrong, so I can be a better person/partner, but she always says that it was a huge mistake led by an impulse from her part... But been talking with him for the past month?
But still I want our relationship to work, am I gonna have strenght and trust to go on? Will she change? she really didnt tell me, but after I discovered, she told me she would tell me, eventually.... bs?
Waiting for more responses...

Why was she dating another guy while you two were together? Especially since you're living together? Or is this just some coworker that she goes to lunch with?

I don't know man, I'm telling you if she's done it once if you want to stay with her you're going to have to figure out what's making her unsatisfied or you're going to be back here again very soon.

How exactly did you "discover" her cheating on you? If she saw him a second time, then it was obviously planned. Do you know what her reason for cheating on you was? How did she meet this guy? Did she Lie to you so facilitate seeing him? Have YOU ever cheated on HER? What does SHE think should happen? Does she want you still, or does she want to leave you?

We use the same computer, and I open the hotmail, and there it was the email from him... The second date was sure planned, but she says that the kissing and sex was not.... Reason: she met the guy on the beach (she went w some GIRL friends....), he gave her his phone #, she call to say hi... and thats where it started, no, she did not lie to me, but I belived she was at the college... She wants to stay with me, she regrets a lot, now....
Thanks...

You thought she was at school and she was actually on a date? That sounds like a lie to me...

What did she think the guy wanted after he gave her his number at the beach? If she did'nt know what he wanted, why did'nt you know about him?

I'm thinking about what I would do if this was my g.f. I can't begin to imagine that hurt you must have right now. I can totally understand if she did it because it was exciting and it was different. But it was still wrong. I've always told my girl that if she ever felt excited about being with another man sexually, to talk to me about it. MAYBE we could work somthing out as far as fantasies or somthing...

I would certainly like to hear your g/f's side of this, I'm curious as to what was going through her mind.

Tres... I will try to bring her in... to see her side...

does she regret cheating on you... or does she regret getting caught? think about that.

you two seem like you have other issues that need to be addressed. if everything was going peachy, she wouldn't have done what she did. if she does want to stay with you and work things out... then get her to tell you why she really did it. sure there were impulses like she said... but she said yes to those impulses for one reason or another. why?

broken trust hard to repair

Yeah, she took a strange guy's number, called him, went on a date with him TWICE...This was not an accident. A guy tries to give you his number, you tell him you have a boyfriend. You don't "call him to say 'hi'". Aguy give a girl his number cause he thinks she hot and wants to hit it, and I don't know of any chick over 12 that doesn't know that...

As for it being an "impulse," well, she gave in once, she'll probably give in again. If it was something to do with you, you could change, but it ain't you, it's her.

Drop her like a hot potato, man...Shr'll rip your heart to pieces and feed them to you one by one.

I think a situation like this is about self-respect. You could stay with her, but would you be able to look in the mirror and respect yourself for allowing yourself to be used and abused like that? If you can, then accept her meager apology and let her back into your heart but if you can't then cut the strings and let her go. In the end it's about what you do NOW... good luck and good feelings.

You need to sit down with this woman and talk to her, and tell her to be totally honest with you, because if she's not, then it is indicating she doesn't want to share herself 100% with you anymore (emotionally). It's obvious that she doesn't want to share herself 100% physically with you right now. After you figure out what's going on in her head, you need to figure out what's going on in your head. Of course you still love her, because to you your relationship was runnin along smoothly. But you know what? She doesn't love you, at least not enough to respect your relationship & not cheat. CHEATING IS LIKE RUBBING YOUR FACE IN THE FACT SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU ANYMORE. Now, I know that she might want you some, and other guys some, but then that's not a relationship, that's friends with benefits.

I'm going with everyone else when I say, she did this ON PURPOSE, it was NOT an accident. Now, if she had been at a party and gotten drunk and you weren't there and she just randomly had sex with someone she didn't know, that would be in some sense an ACCIDENT. However, she got this guy's phone number (sign of straying #1- WTF does she want with some random 'hot' guy's phone number?), she went out with him- twice (why does she want to go out with him?) she LIED to you about what she was doing (BIG RED TRUCK! super-obviousness of subvert schemeing here) AND THEN to top it off you had to drag it out of her (if she really and truly regretted it, she would have come clean to you without prodding.)

Plus, I'm thinking this chick is at least what, 25? You share a computer- HELLO- it seems to me that she wants out of the relationship but didn't have the balls to tell you, so she cheated on you and let you figure it out yourself. Sharing a computer is like, the EASIEST way for your SO to find anything you don't want them to find.

Now, think about this- if the situation were reversed, what do you think you would be feeling? What would your motivations be? Would you have gotten a hot chick's phone number, gone out with her, had sex with her, and lied to your girl about it if it was done on IMPULSE? I mean, IMPULSE is something you do within a space of a few hours, not dragged out over the course of a few days, or weeks.

Could you ever think about anything else but her fucking some other guy if you two stay together and have sex? What would it be like, imagining him doing all the things to her that you do? What if he was better than you, what if his dick was bigger, or more satisfying? What if she's wishing it was him screwing her? You're going to have to deal with all these questions EVERY SINGLE TIME you have sex with her if you stay together. She broke your trust, and if you stay together you're going to be paranoid for the rest of the relationship.

I recommend a clean, swift break. Better than than getting crushed with a steamroller- which is what I forsee if you stay together.

And remember, TFP is always here if you need a shoulder (or shoulders) to cry on!
:icare: :icare: :icare:

end it... i had a conversation with my gf.. i said, "if you want to cheat, be sure you want to break up cuz i will never talk to you again and i will kill the guy you sleep with."

if someone really loves someone, they cant cheat... i dont believe in that impulse shit. if the girl can't be honest now, what makes you think she can be honest any other time?

end it now... you can find better.

You seem to think this "boyfriend" statement will stop the interaction...

I feel for you brother.... been there. Don't hold on. Break it off, now. I know it's not easy, but it's absolutely the best thing to do. Don't buy into the groveling "i'm sorry" bullshit. It'll happen again.

My ex wife cried when I confronted her the first time- it was an accident , and it would never happer again, but of course, it did, many times, and it only got worse- RUN WHILE YOU CAN!!!! Trust is on of the hardest things there is to repair, and it sounds like she is mainly remourseful about getting caught.....

If she's means it, it should. If it didn't, then it's time for "bitch mode." :p

Dump her, move on.

Hi Ysb,

You will have (no doubt) found how helpful people here are. These guys and gals rock! They have some VERY good advice and can THINK things out FOR YOU on this topic. I know, they've helped ME out a lot recently.

Dude - it sucks. Women seem to have a tendency to be 'done with' your relationship without telling you and this seems to be the case here. Like a monkey in a tree, it seems that your woman wasn't about to let go of something until she had a hand on another.

I know that you desperately want to repair things but you will forever hold this issue within yourself. Your best course of action is most likely to move on. Dude - it sucks even saying that (because that is what I am having to do) so believe me, I know that the idea hurts.

She did it on purpose. She knew what she was potentially getting into. She broke your trust. You will ask yourself: "how can somebody that loves you so much do such a mean thing?" and here is the bummer - there is NO answer to that question. The question is irrelevant. Time to heal your wounds and to rediscover friendships.

*hug*

I think you know deep down in your heart what is right - you just have to see that through all the confusion.

Cheers!

-James-

With what you said about it being an impulse.... I would leave her high and dry. If she can't control her impulses and she couldn't stop herself anytime in between, then she has a problem. I know you love her, and that it would hurt you to leave her. But you could be leaving yourself open for alot more hurt if you stay with her.

And if you still want to be with her, talk to her about it. Ask her why she felt she needed to do that. "because it was an impluse," is complete crap for an answer. If you had to try hard to get it out of her, then do so, make sure she feels the same pain you felt. Because to her, if you're not too upset about it, then she will think its an alright thing to do.

Anyways.... I feel for you, I had a girlfriend cheat on me too. It will be hard, and the decisions you make now, will affect your relationship with her later. Just figure out what you want, then move to what you want between the two of you.

first off - sorry dude, that sucks and i know how you feel.

that hurt and betrayed feeling is VERY hard to get over. i was never able to do it, but pretended to, and that led to a couple more years of an unhappy marriage followed by another round of hurt and betrayl.

think long and hard about whether you will ever truly be able to trust her again because if you can't you'll be doing you both a diservice to try to continue the relationship.

Dates are not impulses, they are planned. Hooking up at a party is an impulse. Dump her and fuck all her friends.

fuck that man.

First, this means one of two things. 1.) the first date she planned on kissing and sex. but according to her, she acted on impulse, so that is not possible. so......2.) if she cant control her impulse, not planning on kissing and sex doesnt matter. she was voluntarily putting herself in a position where she knows she cant control herself. therefore, she is pretty much planning on kissing and sex......cheating on you for the second time. IMO, you caught her cheating on you again before she could actually go through with it.

Additionally, just the fact that she was planning on seeing the same guy she regrets cheating on you with is FUCKED UP.

and one more thing. the fact that she was going to see the guy again means that she didnt regret it the first time. that means to me, that her saying the she regrets it means that she regrets getting caught.

lets say that you got really drunk at a bar and slept with some chick. if you really regretted it, would you go out and have lunch with her at any time in the future? NO.

i say rid yourself of her, and along with that the pain.

Unless you want to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and think "what the fuck am I doing with her", run now. You will never be happy living with someone who did that to you, by mistake or not. Better yet, pack all her shit in garbage bags & leave them on the front porch, steps, lawn, whatever you happen to have in your place of residence. Then get the locks changed & go on vacation for a week. She'll get the picture.

Accident? Every time I hear that I think of something like this:

"Well, I kinda tripped and fell on his dick. Our pants were off at the time, so he kinda slid into me, and I tried to get up about 300 times, but he was grabbing my ass so hard I kept slipping back down ."

How do you accidentally cheat on someone?

Umm .. I suppose that's ONE way of looking at 'accidental' cheating - lol.

Seriously though .. do you REALLY think you can live past this? I wouldn't be able to ..

You should leave, or tell her she should. Be the better person and do it maturely. No need for revenge or hostility. If you are the one leaving, then pack up and move. If she is the one leaving ( because it is your lease ) then pack all of her stuff in boxes and leave them at the front door inside the apartment. Let her know how much time she has before you take it all down to a storage locker.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Btw, if you choose to stay with her, even if she never cheats on you again, you will always be suspicious, even if only a little. Ask yourself if that is what you really want in your life. Only you can make that decision.

Peace out,
Tenchi

Kick her out of the house (if it's yours) or else move out (if it's her place or if you have joint ownership/lease).

Something tells me she may have cheated on you more times than she's admitted. Women can be very crafty and deceitful.

Thanks guys, I really appreciate all the help I've been getting... I already am on a break w her... I dont think I will be back w her again... you cannot be a 100% sure she will never do it again... she shouldnt do it the first time, am I right? Anyways, thanks for all the help guys !!!

have rough kinky sex with her, and then drop her like the cheap whore she's proven herself to be.

Do what YOU want to do man. How cheesy and cliche... "Follow your heart."

Few months ago I was in a situation where I had cheated on my wife. I had many stresses in my life at the time which helped attribute to all that happend. For me it came to a point where I was going to leave my wife for this other woman, at the time it is what I thought was right. I am glad that I didn't in the end and I do regret that it happend. My wife has forgiven me. Taken me back. I am sure that in her mind she doesnt doubt there is a chance it can happen again, I can't even say it won't either.

What I am trying to get at is that your gf DOES regret it. And if she is willing to be with you, well right now the ball is in your court (again with the cliches! sorry! :P).

It sounds as though you have made a wise descision.....likely you will be happier becuase of it.

You can bet your life that's not the only guy she's fucked behind your back.

I had a girlfriend do that to me. I bashed her and threw her out. Sadly, the guy the slag fucked died in a bike accident before I could bash him, too.
I've never fucked around on a girl, and I expect the same in return.

Good going bro! You're making the right decision, no matter how hard it feels. If she's truly sorry, and wants it work, then she'll make the all the right moves. But it sounds like it wasn't an accident, and even worse it was just some strange dude. Hold your head up, and there's plenty of other fish in the sea, esp. one's that won't cheat.

I'm sorry this happend to you, but you're making the right decision. She went out and had a pre-meditated boink with a strange dude... and after she got caught, she whines and says she regrets it. What do you expect her to say? "I enjoyed every minute of it and I'm thinking about calling him again right now?"

I wouldn't go near the skank again, you never know what you might catch...

I'm also sorry this happened, but I have to say that if it happened once, its bound to happen again

Personally, I have been cheated on, and I have cheated myself. I don't think it's a good thing, but it's something that can happen. Especially after being together for 11 years. It hurts your pride if it happens to you, but it doesn't really change anything.
A break is a good idea. A break-up is too rash. Good luck!